Trump Says Earth Will Cool Down If Everyone Just Turns On Air-Conditioning
By: Andy Borowitz (The New Yorker)
Air-conditioning is the answer," he said.
"It's the hydroxychloroquine of climate.
It's no laughing matter!
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Blasting "dumb scientists for not thinking of this before," Donald J. Trump said that the planet would cool down "right away" if everyone would just turn on the air-conditioning.
"Scientists go around with their lab coats and test tubes and act like the planet is burning up," he said. "I guess those beauties have never thought of turning on the A.C."
"Air-conditioning is the answer," he said. "It's the hydroxychloroquine of climate."
Arguing that his theory was "based on math," Trump illustrated what would happen to the planet's temperature if people around the world all turned on the air-conditioning at the exact same time.
"Let's say two billion people each turned down the A.C. four degrees," he said. "Just like that, the planet would be eight billion degrees cooler."
Trump disclosed that he did not come up with this mathematical equation all by himself, acknowledging the assistance of the Secretary of Education, Betsy DeVos.
Scientists: Earth Endangered by New Strain of Fact-Resistant Humans
Scientists have discovered a powerful new strain of fact-resistant humans who are threatening the ability of Earth to sustain life, Andy Borowitz jokes.
MINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report)—Scientists have discovered a powerful new strain of fact-resistant humans who are threatening the ability of Earth to sustain life, a sobering new study reports.
The research, conducted by the University of Minnesota, identifies a virulent strain of humans who are virtually immune to any form of verifiable knowledge, leaving scientists at a loss as to how to combat them.
"These humans appear to have all the faculties necessary to receive and process information," Davis Logsdon, one of the scientists who contributed to the study, said. "And yet, somehow, they have developed defenses that, for all intents and purposes, have rendered those faculties totally inactive."
More worryingly, Logsdon said, "As facts have multiplied, their defenses against those facts have only grown more powerful."
While scientists have no clear understanding of the mechanisms that prevent the fact-resistant humans from absorbing data, they theorize that the strain may have developed the ability to intercept and discard information en route from the auditory nerve to the brain. "The normal functions of human consciousness have been completely nullified," Logsdon said.
While reaffirming the gloomy assessments of the study, Logsdon held out hope that the threat of fact-resistant humans could be mitigated in the future. "Our research is very preliminary, but it's possible that they will become more receptive to facts once they are in an environment without food, water, or oxygen," he said.
Scientists Consider New Names for Climate Change
NEW HAVEN ( The Borowitz Report )—After a report from the Yale Center on Climate Change Communication showed that the term “climate change” elicits relatively little concern from the American public, leading scientists are recommending replacing it with a new term: “You will be burnt to a crisp and die.”
Other terms under consideration by the scientists include “your cities will be ravaged by tsunamis and floods” and “earth will be a fiery hellhole incapable of supporting human life.”
Scientists were generally supportive of the suggestions, with many favoring the term “your future will involve rowing a boat down a river of rotting corpses.”
Any of these terms would do a better job conveying the urgency of the problem,” Tracy Klugian, a spokesperson for the newly renamed Yale Center for Oh My God Wake Up You Assholes, said.