I cried today
I got a copy of my father’s death certificate in the mail. That put me in a mood. Pictures of his memorial, the flag folding, and presentation to me added to it. And then I watched a video on Youtube. Three young children on Germany’s Kid’s the Voice singing “Hallelujah”. And the tears flowed.
I watched the video of the Hollies singing “He aint heavy”, and I was balling.
I watched my father take his last breath. I held his hand. I told him I loved him. And I cried. I thought about my mother dying last year, one month shy of a year ago. And how much it hurt him. I thought back to my brothers dying several years ago. And the pain my parents felt. And now all the pain came to me. And I cried.
There is only me, and my sister now. And mortality is scaring the living shit out of me. No, not scaring. I know we all pass. But I’m facing the reality of it on a new level now. And I cry.
I hate the pain of mourning. I look at what I love, and I fear what it will do to me if I lose them. My dogs, my children, my grand-children, my wife. I don’t want to cry. I don’t want to bear that pain. I was the strong one at my brothers’ passing, and my mother’s passing. I cracked at my father’s passing. And I still feel it. And I cry.
My mother was ready to meet Glory. She prayed about it. Talked to us about it. She knew she was fading, and welcomed it. It helped to deal with it. But I still cried.
I know my father was ready. But I wasn’t. He was supposed to come out to my ranch in Missouri this very week. I had planned on taking leave so we could fish all month. I wanted him to see that I had made it. That he and my mother had done it right in raising me. But we didn’t get that chance. And I cry.
I held his hand. And I cried.
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Don't know how else to say it,
Don't want to see my parents go
One generation's length away
From fighting life out on my own
Stop this train
I wanna get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
but, honestly, won't someone stop this train?
Dear Bruce,
I am so sorry for your loss. I know that no words will comfort you during this time. They say that life is for the living, but no one tells you how to deal with grief. No one tells you how to live with mortality, or the fear of losing someone you love. You just have to find joy in the things that you have in your life.
Your parents loved you. They didn't fear death. Find some comfort in that. Find comfort of your sister and your family and pets. And nothing beats a good cry.
My deepest and most sincere condolences for your loss.
Bruce,
I'm sure that both of your parents already know that they did it right. I'm also sure they are seeing exactly what you wanted them to see.
I also wanted to give back, but didn't get the chance when my father passed, But I know as much as I was a pain for them, they know I wanted them to know everything turned out good.
Nothing can make that hurt of lost promise go away, But they knew, and God knew, and felt that you shouldn't have to carry that with you. I'm sure they are proud as all parents are. As you will be when your time comes.
Remember, they are always there. The pain will go but the warmth and love will remain.
As it always has, only now it has become eternal.
Rest easy my friend, My prayer is with you tonight.
As John Donne said, we are all connected. So that since we on NT are a kind of a family (for good or bad) we too are all connected, and when you, Bruce, have suffered a loss that has affected you so greatly, we too have suffered a loss, much less than yours, but we feel it. I felt it on reading your article, and all of us who read it will feel it as well.
This morning I stumbled across this and thought of you and your father. My condolences. - PJ
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As My Tear Softly Falls
© Breton Delayne White
Published on November 2008
And he puts his boat in the water for the last time
A tear will fall for the last time
I wipe the tears from my face with your old shirt for the last time
I cry about the last time I said goodbye to you
More then oceans separate us
More then continents themselves
But in my heart you will remain
Along with everything you taught me
Memories seep from my veins
Vivid pictures of you lay softly in the back of my mind
But you now rest in the arms of the angels
Everyday I wish you were here to hold me in your arms
And comfort me threw every obstacle in life
And such a thought brings me weeping on my knees
And everyday I picture you
I remember you
And everyday I struggle with the reality that you're gone
And with that struggle I make it threw another day
Everything happens for a reason
Yours was to build me up
And no one can ever tear me down
You taught me all you could in your short time with me
And now my only job is to remember and never forget
Rain is nothing but tears to me
Tears from a man who wasn't good at sharing his emotions
Although going on without you upsets me
Everything reminds me
I'm not afraid to cry
I pretend to be ok everyday
And it's always hard to deal with the pain of loosing you
And force that smile when it just won't come.
The wake comes off the bow
The anchor is reeled in
Another tear softly falls for him
Bruce, I just now read this, and want to say how very sorry I am for your loss. My father passed away 31 years ago, and I miss him each and every day. Some deaths hit harder than others, for some reason-- I was able to go on after my mother's death a lot easier than when my father passed away. Maybe it was because I was older.
At any rate, you are in my thoughts and prayers.
I'm sorry for your loss, Bruce. I think your dad will be there when you're fishing.
Sorry for your loss Bruce. A lot of guys leave words unspoken with their dads, which was famously the lyric of the song "The Living Years" so many years ago. You have the knowledge that your dad died knowing your love for him.
My dad died two days after my fortieth birthday, what seems like a long time ago. I was not there when he died and have always had to hope that he knew how I felt.
♥♥♥
I extend my deepest sympathy to you and your family at the passing of your father. As memories are likes shards of glass today, each one cutting a little deeper, I pray time will round the edges and the memories return joy to your life. You held his hand, what a gift and blessing the two of you shared.
Adversarial differences fade at times like this. As Buzz said, we are all family here and we all feel a some of the pain when one of us gets hurt. My deepest sympathies you and your and sister.
You held his hand and you cried...., crying is good. It helps ease the pain when you're hurting.
Sometimes Bruce words fail me . This is one of these times . I hope that the gift of music will suffice instead :