JOKES – No politics, just a respite
JOKES – No politics, just a respite
1.) *** A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.
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As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills ?"
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"Yes, they help me sleep at night." "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that that could possibly help you sleep !
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"She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks. and believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night."
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2.) *** A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby.
The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."
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Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."
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A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind ! I was supposed to get off four stops ago !"
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3.) *** Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.
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The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.
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The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:
> 1) It is perfect formula for the child.
> 2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
> 3) It is always the right temperature.
> 4) It is inexpensive.
> 5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
> 6) It is always available as needed.
> And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:
> 7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
He got an: "A+"!
4.) *** An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
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But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
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"You lissina me, boy ! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos."
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"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up !"
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5.) *** A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.
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"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?" They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.
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The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men
for money." The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom? "His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes".
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After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them? She said, " Most of them become taxi
drivers! "
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Take a break from Hillary and Trump. They made me laugh out loud.
Funny!!!
Subject: Dave's Birthday
Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the the club greets them and says "Hey Dave, how ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'
"She's in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Davey, want your usual table dance, big boy?'
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter name in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Dave, you picked up a real bitch this time!"
A teacher asked her class to tell stories about what caused a lot of excitement in their families.
The first student went to the front of the classroom and said, "There was a lot of excitement when my dad bought a new car!". The class cheered and the teacher said that it was truly exciting.
The next child got up to the front of the classroom and said," My mom finally graduated from college!" The class cheered and the teacher said that it was truly exciting.
A little boy got up and got the front of the classroom and put a dot on the black board. The teacher paused and asked, what is that? The little boy replied, "It's a period and for some reason when my sister didn't get one, there was a lot of excitement in my house.
Thanks Buzz, needed a good laugh.
This one has to be acted out to be funny, but it always makes me laugh.
A woman went to her doctor, to ask how she could increase her bust size without surgery. Her doctor told her to put her hands together up at her chest, and push them together, while singing "row, row, row, your boat", at least three times a day. Well, the woman tried that, and at the end of two weeks, she was beginning to see a difference, so she became even more fanatical about her exercises.
One day, she was at the grocery, and it was time for her exercise. So, she went up and down the aisles, looking for a deserted one, so she could do her exercise and not be embarrassed. She was squishing her hands and singing softly, "row, row, row, your boat", when a man came around the end of the aisle.
She was mortified, but the man said, "I bet you visit Dr. Brown, don't you?" She nodded, and asked, "Why do you ask?" The man started hopping up and down on one foot, and sang, "Peter, Peter, Pumpkin Eater!".
Now that's pretty good!!!
I've like all of them so far. Mine are probably yuk!
I've laughed at all of yours, too!!! What a hoot!
Love you, dear Six!
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00
When The postal authorities received the letter addressed to : God , USA , ... they decided to send it to the President.
The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down and wrote a thank-you note to God, which read:
Dear God , Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC. Do you know those bureaucrats deducted $95.00 in taxes!
A member of Congress is out for a hot humid summer nights walk along Foggy Bottom.
A mugger darts out from behind a alleyway, puts a knife blade to him and says "Give me all your money or I will slice your back".
The Member of Congress says, "Young man, you don't know before whom you stand. I am an elected member of the House of Representatives".
The thief then retorts, "All right, give me all my money back"!
Enoch.
A man and wife go to a sex therapist.
Wife: My husband no longer has stamina. I'm left unsatisfied
Therapist: Let me speak with your husband alone
Therapist to the husband: I want you to put a nickel in each of your front pockets; a quarter in your back pocket and a dollar in your left front pocket and practice swinging your hips side to side than back and forth while chanting nickel, nickel, quarter, dollar.
So the husband puts a nickel in each front pocket a quarter in his back pocket and a dollar in his front pocket and begins to practice. He practices for days (nickel, nickel, quarter, dollar). Finally he decides that he's practiced enough and he feels confident enough to try out the new rhythm in the bedroom.
Later that night the husband and wife are having sex. The man starts to chant, nickel, nickel, quarter, dollar (swinging his hips left, right, drawing back and thrusting forward).
Husband:
nickel............nickel.............quarter...............dollar…………. nickel..............nickel.............quarter.................dollar, nickel..............nickel.............quarter.................dollar, nickel..............nickel.............quarter.................dollar
Wife: faster, faster
Husband: nickel........nickel.........quarter.......dollar, nickel........nickel.........quarter.......dollar, nickel........nickel.........quarter.......dollar
Wife: faster, faster
Husband: nickel...nickel...quarter...dollar, nickel...nickel...quarter...dollar
Wife: faster, faster
Husband: nickel, nickel, quarter, dollar
Wife: faster, faster
Husband: buck thirty five! buck thirty five!
Be careful what you ask for - hahahaha
A sailor on his first night of shore leave after 74 days at sea goes on a drunken binge only to wake up in a fleabag hotel down near the docks in bed next to the ugliest woman he's ever seen, who is still asleep and snoring away sounding like a lumber mill.
The sailor, almost wrenching at the sight of this hag, slowly extracts himself from the bed on his side, careful not to wake her, and shaking his head at his own stupidity. Gathering up his clothes and shoes, he proceeds to tip-toe past her at the foot of the bed, stops for a moment with a pang of guilt and regret, and oh so quietly extracts a $20 bill from his pants and places it on the dresser.
With that, a hand emerges from under the bed, startling him as it grabs him by an ankle. The sailor looks down in shock, only to see the second most ugly women ever, who looks up at him from under the bed and sweetly asks, "And nothing for the bridesmaid?"
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A young boy and his father were in a store when they walked past a rack of condoms.
Being a curious young lad, the boy asked his father, "What are these things daddy?"
His dad said, "Condoms son."
The boy asked, "Why do they come in packs of 1,3, and 12?"
The dad replied,
"The packs with one are for the high school boys, one for Saturday night
the ones with three are for the college boys, one for Friday, Saturday and Sunday,
and the ones with twelve in them are for the married men, one for January, one for February, one for March...."