http://thenewstalkers.com/eat-the-press-do-not-read-it Mon, 09 Nov 2026 14:45:36 -0500 http://thenewstalkers.com/eat-the-press-do-not-read-it/blog/2617/is-selling-necessary-grammar-required-to-communicate http://thenewstalkers.com/eat-the-press-do-not-read-it/blog/2617
WTF happened to me article?

]]> Thu, 26 May 2022 09:38:36 -0400 http://thenewstalkers.com/eat-the-press-do-not-read-it/blog/2614/fellow-news-stalkerscommunists http://thenewstalkers.com/eat-the-press-do-not-read-it/blog/2614
You know that scratchy, itchy feeling you get? That's not hemorrhoids, that's our "POTTY CAST," coming to you live from UR-ANUS, so, whatever you do-do...don't scratch...it interferes with the microphone.

Brothers & Sistas of the "Cornhole Degeneration," you know who I am takin' to...you Right-Wing, Pinko Commies & Left Leaning Liberals who spend all your time playing that damnable game:  CORN HOLE, when you should be out lookin' fer a job that don't exist.


Da' world is goin' to HELL in a handbag! What difference does it make if it is a designer's handbag? It's probably a "knockoff," made in China by Communist Workers, and sold of the street of "Murica" by aliens, takin' good jobs from our recently released felons.

Fellow News Stalkers, we must unite under our chosen leader, "Diaper Don," and force "the Orange One", back in power by any means necessary, and, within your budget, of course, Horse!

Therefore, my fellow, ranting commies, I am askin' you to send your life savings to "Donald Dumpster" (DJT's new code name) to me, that I might "laundered it," and forward it to our "anointed" leader safely and secured as he waddles in his Depends in the gold-plated environs of Mar Largo.

If you must know, we, fellow commies worldwide, are preparing for a surprise attack! We intend to put the "Chosen One," on the Midterm Erection, er, Election ballot to install him as POTUS, when no one will be expecting it.

Brilliant, huh?

So, Fellow NewsStalkers.Communists, get those cards, checks, money orders and cash sent to me, ASAP. And, for God's sake don't blab it to anyone. Now, get your big butts off the couch and send MONEY, honey to:

Jonathan Livingston Pigeon-Poo, "Doctored"
%The Bird Droppings Institute 
A Think Tank Fer Morons -
No Idiots, Please
Mildew, Oh-High-Oh
(Where There are No Jobs-Not Even Blow Jobs)]]> Sat, 21 May 2022 13:46:25 -0400 http://thenewstalkers.com/eat-the-press-do-not-read-it/blog/1614/understanding-trumps-rants http://thenewstalkers.com/eat-the-press-do-not-read-it/blog/1614
These highly defamed professors, little known scholars and former Barnum & Bailey Reality TV stars are the principal owners of the world little know, pseudo medical facility on wheels, cited in most Police Reports as "Orfice to Orfice, The Complete Cycle of Universal Knowledge", or, the "In and Outs of Human Wisdom, Waste and Regulation". (Aka, "Shit Stormer Interpreters' and Whacked Out Psychic Readers"!)

During one of my recent séances, I had an opportunity to interview these clever fellows. Here is partially what they told me, to the best of my recollection, because, I was "stoned" at the time. So, I made up the rest.
They stated that, "All Humans are born with two orfices in one body, as many of us know, except Trump Supporters, who are incapable of thinking outside of the toilet.

"Approximately, 99.9% of the world's population squeezes into this world from the other dimension with a perfectly running and smoothly functioning biological system that complies with the Laws of Nature:
'What goes in one direction - flows out the other, in a well balanced intake-out take a system that fuels our existence'.

"Howsoever, now and then, an 'Ass-Mouth' pops up, unannounced, within our evolutionary gene pool providing a rare set of scientists with a unique insight into what maybe our 'Near Future' evolutionary change and, thereby, provide the studious with a great deal of consternation.

"For example, Donald J. Trump, America's First Real Fake POSTUS has the unique ability to talk from both orifices, but, not simultaneous, and, perhaps, he is most famously known personality that is afflicted with this the Ass To Mouth Syndrome.

"A condition that causes an involuntary compulsion to talk from both orfices, but, not simultaneously, which would be disgusting, difficult to hear, or, understand due to the constant splattering, and, potentially lethal.

"Thousands of lesser known scholars, injured (in the line of duty) law enforcement officers and very peculiar psychiatrists have reached out to our office, ORFICE TO ORFICE, for clues as to how one might decipher 'the Donald's' rants on twitter.

"First of all", they advise, "asses cannot type or spell very well. They have no fingers which explains the miss spellings, typos and "sh*tty* comments.

The good, but, very distorted doctored, added, "We advise compassion when dealing with someone so afflicted as Donald J. Trump! He could go off on a Shit Storm at a moments notice!
Caution is advised!

"One must understand, that in most of these cases, so as it is in Trump's, one orfice is lazier than the other and tends to malfunction at the most inappropriate time.

The disoriented, drooling, Siamese Twins cautioned, in a clear and to the point manner (write this down, there will be a test next week) the following:

"Always, when given a choice, 'Listen to the ass! Avoid the Mouth Talk!"
Fellow, News Stalkers, I trust this revelation will relieve a great deal of stress in your personal life and restore the "Tranquility" promised in our Constitution.

It certainly has in mind.

Please, write and tell us how your LIFE has changed, now, that you know the "Tooth, the Whole Tooth, and Nothing butt the Tooth, So, Help me Eat It"!

This has been a Public Service Announcement from EAT THE PRESS - DO NOT WIPE YOUR BUMS WITH IT!
Send all complaints % Pierre Halpren, Complaint Department, The News Stalkers.com]]> Sat, 24 Mar 2018 11:48:15 -0400 http://thenewstalkers.com/eat-the-press-do-not-read-it/blog/1609/what-will-it-take-for-right-wing-evangelicals-born-upside-down-backwards-fake-christians-to-awaken-from-their-religious-coma http://thenewstalkers.com/eat-the-press-do-not-read-it/blog/1609
As many of you may know, I, too, am a Man of Glob, er, "Man of GOD", ordained by the Universal Church of Lice, er, "Life", in the early 1970s. I preach under the nom de plume of Reverend Oral Fleece, Pasteur, of the Church of the "How Big Is Your Wallet, How Small Is Your Brain?"
Located in the lovely, but, nearly all torn down Mildew, Ohio, "Where There Are No Jobs", not even "Blow Jobs", thanks to the Re-Puritans who shipped our jobs overseas to Communist China!
As a disreputable man of the "Cloth", I, alone, am able to tear "Evangelicals" a new one because I was once one of them, but, then I learned to "read and write".
God did not "elected Trump" as the senile multi-millionaire Pat Robinson drools on his syndicated show, "700 Club", (which is short for "$700 MILLION DOLLARS", that he has fleeced from the poor.
Pat Robertson, and, I go way back. We both attended the same seminar, well, Cemetery School, back in the day, and I looked up at him because he was always on top.
Eventually, after 10 years, I figured out, with the help of Judge Roy Moore, that I was not in "Seminary School", but, rather "Cemetery School". It was an absolute shock to my befuddled mind.
Imagine, if after a wedding that I conducted, I, inadvertently, gave the new bride and goon a "DEATH CERTIFICATE", instead, of a "Marriage License"! Why in the South that is a "hanging offense", as, just about every thing else is, as well, down there in Hill Billy Heaven.
So, after an "all night drunk", I got me "preacher's license" from a Mail Order Mill, that is still in business today, the Universal Life Church, where for $20.00 (cash) I was licensed as a "preacher" and had the power to conduct wedding, and, or counsel "big busted, vulnerable, needy women" in distress.
"Stormy Daniels" was one of my first converts before I was run out of a small town in La. I brought her to the "JESUS" on the floor of the vestibule of my newly established "con", er, church.
So, you see, Brothers and Sistas of the Corn Hole De-Generation, I know a thing or two about screaming evangelicals in the midst of celestial delight. However, I might add, that today's Evangelicals are EVIL-GENITALS, "Talking In Tongues to the Devil", because, they believe, wrongly, that God does not know English. HE does, they don't!
Subsequently, this "stomping in aisles, pew-shaking, throwing yourself on the floor, and hollering to the rafters, "Holy Rollers" antics does get them off, as they reach their religious induced ecstasy. But, it has nothing to do with GOD! It's the drugs, mostly!
Trump is a Billionaire CROOK, not, a prophet, appointed by GOD to bring about the ENDS OF TIME. Write that down!
Trump is doing that on his own, because, in short, he is a selfish S.O.B. who only cares about making MONEY by any means.
So, damn it, Dummies, "Wake the freaking frack up"! I can't hold your clammy paws every second of the day. Grow a pair!
This is Reverend Oral Fleece saying "Hey, Rubes, keep those donations cards coming, cause I need a new Mercedes, send, cash in unmarked envelopes. I am a psychic and know your address. I will launder your cash and send it back to you a hundred fold."
]]> Sat, 17 Mar 2018 13:53:39 -0400 http://thenewstalkers.com/eat-the-press-do-not-read-it/blog/1466/erection-results-for-mildew-ohio-where-there-are-no-jobs http://thenewstalkers.com/eat-the-press-do-not-read-it/blog/1466
A disclaimer: This libelous piece of dribble is the sole responsibility of the half-wits at EAT THE PRESS – Do Not Read It!
All complaints should be folded, stapled and shoved up your crevice, where the sun doesn’t shine.

If, on the other hand, you are upset by words, but, not deeds, then, please, by all speedy means, skip this piece of "Literary Trash" and go directly to your favorite "Right Awful, Right Wing, Incomprehensible Re-Puritan's blog for dribble more to your licking. 

And, now, Ladies and Gentlemen,  the full "Fake "facts, as we distort them, from the recent Mayoral ERECTION  from MILDEW, OHIO, where there are no jobs, not even blow jobs, ever since Re-Puritans sent them all our jobs overseas to COMMUNIST CHINA!
The nationally contested “ERECTION RESULTS” were sealed in a Mason Jar, tucked safely away in a Cereal Box, hidden at our local hardware store. It is own by Jedidiah Foghorn, the town clerk and town drunk, who stated in one of his rare sober moment that, "It's official, Mildew’s much despised, but, long time mayor, the only fully outted "Butch Dike", Hildebrandt (Brass Knuckles) Gilder-Mess has been officially defeated by a relatively unknown, "Unknown"!
"Eat The Press - Do Not Wipe Your Bun With It", the World First All Fake News assigned its much clubbed, Club Reporter Ima Liar, a certified prevaricator, to cover the election process. Linda reported all the "going ons" in daily gossip column, Linda Does Dallas & Mildew.

When not "hawking" her famous "Knee Pads", on our street corner, Linda generously donates her community service time to cover stories for our "much maligned" publication, Eat The Press - Don't Braid Your Hair With It!

Miss ("I am Available on Thursday Nights") Lovelace relentless followed the mayoral race like a mad dog chasing a biscuit. In Linda's final post, before she had to return to her incarceration to serve out the rest of her sentence for lying, she posted that, "We, as a community of misfits, misanthropes and misinformed Trump Support, must accept that the Honorable Lesbo, Hildebrand Gilder-Mess, has lost her bid for re-election. Her lost has been widely contested and has resulted in at least two fist fight, was, Linda noted, as a result of her "constantly beating the snot" out of her opponent, aka, the known and unknowable Yeti. People don't like that, here, in Mildew, where we are all "underdogs and, then, some".



“Apparently”,  Lovelace penned in her "Love Advice for Half Wits" column, “the mayor lost was attributed to the one, single incident where she got mixed up during the campaign, kissed a ham sandwich, then, ate Herb Bender's baby by mistake”, instead of vise-versa! Spitting the bones out on the sidewalk was, also not well received.
Any who, local, very local authorities, Sheriff Duffels Overbearing and Walker Noxious, our town judge, without a court room, "expressed caution".

Sheriff Overbearing asked the community to "not expel gas when venting their frustration and accepts the facts as they lay, or, words not remotely similar to these!


 "Instead", Overbearing said, "look on the bright side! At least we didn’t have Governor Christies, (R) N.J., running for the Mayor's office. That fat whale would have devoured the entire population of babies in our communities and probably several young children due to the governor's ravenous appetite. What a fat fu*k, he is", she wrote, or, words not remotely similar to this.
It is ballyhooed by local pundits that the "baby eating incident", in, and, of itself, would not have cost the mayor the election. Her fatal mistake was leaving her "barn door" wide open allowing her arch rival, "Big Foot", the latest entrant, to burst forth from the barn, where he was hiding, and leap into the first place slot of the Bi-Annual. Bi-Partisan, Bi-Sexual  Mildew Mayoral Gauntlet Race. It's an event that attract "gay folks" from all over the world who mud wrestle Evangelicals from all over the South for control of the agenda for the next two year.

It seems, according to our much maligned, morally corrupt reporter, Linda Lovelace, that, "Yeti, as he is affectionately called by the local yoke", was being  pursued by, a screaming, torch burning band of Deporables from Charlottesville, South Carolina, still on the move.
These unrefined folks are the off-offspring of descendants from the town just over the " jiggling mountains", known as Lost Cleavage, which is just a hop, skip and jiggle from Mildew, Oh-Ho-Ho!

They, too, were holding their annual “Big Foot Hunt”, at, that precise moment and flushed the suspected “Yeti” out of the woods forcing him to dash a crossed the two rounds, delicious looking, firm mounds that gives that burg its delightful name.
In desperation, Big Foot ran “right smack dab” into the election process currently underway in Mildew, and, like a lot of bandits, he took up immediately with the real thieves, politicians, blending in nearly unnoticed with the Conservative Republican Christians marching about in their White Robes.

It was the perfect disguise for a hairy Yeti, that no one believes in, anyway.
Mildew, if you folks are not aware, is unique in the manner that it employs to elect its public officials.
Because it is such an impoverished community, most folks can’t afford to buy groceries – they have to rent them. So, in order to save the community the cost of an election, the Floundering Fathers , Adams-Jefferson, and Harley Davidson, our first openly gay couple, decided to do what the native do.
They turned the election into a "GAUNTLET RUN" to insure that the toughest man, woman, or thing wins.
Currently, all politicians seeking public office, here, in Mildew, are required by law to run a “gauntlet” while the entire town of misfits, (men, women and children), line up for the thrill of “beating their candidates with a stick” as they bolt to the “finish line”. The last one standing is the winner.
This unique election process serves two purposes; it ensures that the strongest candidate will win the erection and, simultaneously, provides locals with an opportunity to “vent their spleen”, instead of blowing a gasket in their pint size pinheads.
Local anthologists argue that "it is further proof that Neanderthals did not go extinct. They just migrated to SW Ohio and blended in with the Republicans Cro-Magnon, left over from God's Excretions.
Perhaps, some uninformed readers may not be familiar with the town of Mildew, Ohio. We are a “gated community”. No one knows who built the gate, but, it serves to keep the citizens in at night, which everyone in the surrounding communities agrees is a good thing. If one has the luxury to own a car we are the second exit after the one that say, "Twilight Zone".
Don't be put off my the machine gun turrets, the minefield or the barbed wire. It's there for our protection, as well as urine.
Our Tourist Guide brochure explains our uniqueness, "We are located just a sharp right turn from Commonsense, in a lovely, but, nearly all torn down, downtown . . . just one small step from mankind – one gigantic leap from reality”.
Come all down and visit us some time. The president does, when not golfing.
"Mildew, Ohio, where PUSSY GRABBING is a form of greeting, not, sexual harassment! So come on down and grab some pussy, you all"!
]]> Sun, 24 Dec 2017 11:53:35 -0500 http://thenewstalkers.com/eat-the-press-do-not-read-it/blog/1465/trump-is-an-accused-child-rapist http://thenewstalkers.com/eat-the-press-do-not-read-it/blog/1465
BREAKING NEWS:   July 7, 2019:

ttps://www.cbsnews.com/news/jeffrey-epstein-arrested-in-new-york-today-on-charges-related-to-sex-trafficking-2019-07-05/


JEFFREY EPSTEIN, Trumps Best Friend, and fellow traveler Child Sexual Predator arrested. Charges of Child Sex Trafficking have been brought against him in the Southern District Court of NEW YORK, they reach back to the days when Trump and Epstein were both defendants in a lawsuit filed by two of Epstein's former victims.

The "Main Stream Media" shied away from this story during the Trump because it had been dismissed for a variety of reasons, including several DEATH THREATS the women had received. It was prior to the "Me, Too" movement, and media just brushed it aside.

Trump, of course, called it "FAKE NEWS", as Hitler did, and Putin does on any negative article him.
Now, it is back in the MAINSTREAM NEWS with Epstein's recent arrest on similar charges. The scandal reaches into the Whitehouse and, Trump's cabinet.

The wheels are about to come off of Trump's constant denials of "She is not my type"!

https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2019/jul/08/jeffrey-epstein-trump-bill-clinton-prince-andrew-case-spotlight-famous-friends

L et the Chips fall where they may. A truckload of logs is about to come down on Epstein's friend, DONALD J. TRUMP!
Below is the previous article that TRUMP SUPPORTERS viciously attacked at unfounded, Bull Chips, lies, etc. because it involved their FAKE HERO. Justice is catching up with TRUMP!

READ IT AND WEEP, SUCKERS. You have been had!



The former article, published, here, on The News Talkers, three years ago, is worth the re-read.

                   * * *

Trump is an "ACCUSED CHILD RAPIST". The affidavits are on file in US Federal Court Judge Ronnie Abram's Courtroom, New York, New York. 






Trump is a "self-admitted SEXUAL PREDATOR" who bragged about it on the infamous "Access Hollywood" tape, where he admitted that he "grabbed women by the pus*ey", and, that they, "let you do it because you are a star."
Trump is a pedophile who blabbed about his fetish on Howard Stern's show, stating that he "walked in on teenage girls undressing" under the guise that he was the owner of the pageant on an "inspection tour" to see them getting dress and semi-naked. Howard and Trump laughed it up on the PUBLIC AIRWAYS, while millions heard and saw his confession on that swarmy, smut-filled talk-trash show.
Trump is a "RAPIST" according to his first wife, Ivana, mother to three of his five children, Ivanka, Eric and John, Jr. She goes into great detail about the assault in her book. 

Trump was, also, accused by a female associate involved in a project with this self-admitted SEXUAL PREDATOR! Both women settled for undisclosed amounts of cash.



In the New York business community, Trump is a known crooked businessman involved in nearly 4000 lawsuits, involving as a "grifter, a crooked developer" who is legendary for failure to pay his contractors, architects, and workers on his construction projects, and as a notorious LIAR
Trump has been rumored to have extensive connections to the Russian Mafia, who purchased six (6) condominiums from him.

Felix Sater, the son of the leading Russian Mobster, worked with Trump on a proposed Hotel/Casino in Russia. and, help with the $900,000,000 investment from Bayrock, an American company owned by a Russian oligarch with close, personal ties to Putin. That infusion of cash bailed Trump out of a pending bankruptcy and saved his company.


His financial ties to Russian interest has steadily grown from there.
Trump is currently under 4 serious investigations for CRIMINAL wrongdoing. Special Counsel under the supervision of the United States Deputy Attorney's SPECIAL COUNSEL has opened up an investigation into his contact with the Russian operatives during his campaign, and potential obstruction of justice.


New York's State Attorney General is investigating Trump and Trump Organization's criminal enterprises, including the serious charge of "MONEY LAUNDERING" for the RUSSIAN MAFIA.
The Senate Judiciary is investigating the Trump campaign conspiring with Russians to steal the presidential election.
The world watched on national TV, as the then, "candidate" Trump publicly invited a foreign power to thrust itself into our election: "Russia, if you are listening", find Hillary e-mails, all 30,000." if you found them, I am sure media would richly reward you", or, words to that effect.
The House of Representatives' Intelligence Committee is investigating the "Russian Meddling" in our election, and, other potential criminal activities.
Trump fired Deputy Attorney General, Sally Yates after she informed his office that his National Intelligence Agency's Director, former Brigadier General Mike Flynn might be "compromised" by the Russians.
Trump fired the Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation (Comey) after he failed to make a loyalty oath to the mobster-acting Trump.

Additionally, Congress questioned whether the Commander-In-Lies obstructed justice by asking the FBI Director, to "go easy on Flynn." " He's a good man", the brain dead fake POTUS advised Comey.
Trump-appointed his son-in-law to negotiate a $65 BILLION DOLLAR ARMS DEAL with Saudi Arabia, which, then, donated $150 MILLION DOLLAR to Jared wife, Ivanka Trump's Non-Profit Organization, which was later forced to close for misappropriation of funds to for-profit ventures. 
The lists of CRIMINAL WRONGDOING is endless! The "Dirty Donald" MUST be removed from office!


]]> Sat, 23 Dec 2017 15:48:56 -0500 http://thenewstalkers.com/eat-the-press-do-not-read-it/blog/1463/al-frankens-political-assassination http://thenewstalkers.com/eat-the-press-do-not-read-it/blog/1463

FRANKEN is resigning at this moment to an oration of praise by his fellow Democrat Senators for his contributions to the Senate and for his work on behalf of his Constituents from the "State of 1000 Lakes", Minnesota.

Why is Franken resigning?

The accusations against him, especially those from the former MALE MAGAZINE NUDE MODEL, Leeann Tweeden, a notorious porn model are BOGUS, trivial, and politically motivated.

Trump, on the other hand, is a SERIAL SEX OFFENDER, a self admitted SEXUAL PREDATOR, who, incriminated himself on the widely viewed,"Access Hollywood" tape. Trump further perjured himself as a "child sexual pedophile" when he revealed in his own words on the Howard Stern show how he brazenly walked in on young teenager dressing and undressing during his pageants. Stern and Trump giggled like perverted six graders.

Trump has been accused four (4) times of RAPE.

Recently, a federal judge found there was enough evidence for a complaint against Trump and his best buddy, the convicted sexual pedophile, Jerry Epstein, to proceed through the judiciary process in a United States Federal Court, Judge Robin Abrams presides, Marshall Thurgood Courthouse, NY, NY.

Seventeen (17) credible women have come forward with allegations of sexual harassment against Trump, many with corroborating witnesses that validated the "sexual aggression" Trump references in the "Access Hollywood" tape.
Where are the calls for Donald J. Trump to resign? Where is the outrage from the so called, "Christian Right". Where are the calls for a Congressional Investigation from Congress? 

Why hasn't the Senate, the House, or, a Special Counsel established to examine these horrific allegations against a president, currently under four investigations for possibly wrong doing?
Putting "PARTY", namely, the "REPUBLICAN PARTY," ahead of the country is reprehensible, injurious and, in my view, CRIMINAL!FRANKEN is resigning at this moment to an oration of praise by his fellow Senators for his contributions to the Senate and for his Constituents from the state of 1000 lakes, Minnesota.

Why is Franken resigning?
Why hasn't the Senate, the House, or, a Special Counsel established to examine these horrific allegations against a president, currently under four investigations for possibly wrong doing?
Putting "PARTY", namely, the "REPUBLICAN PARTY," ahead of the country is reprehensible, injurious and, in my view, CRIMINAL!





]]> Fri, 22 Dec 2017 11:53:37 -0500 http://thenewstalkers.com/eat-the-press-do-not-read-it/blog/1452/inside-the-alt-right-all-white-trump-whitehouse-at-christmas http://thenewstalkers.com/eat-the-press-do-not-read-it/blog/1452
One see the most gigantic, "biggest, best ever" Xmas tree hung with "Indictments" dangling from its barren branches.

"The Halls Are Decked" with droves of Russian Conspirators rehearsing their denials with "Holiday Cheer", slurped from a vat of cheap Trump Beer!

Under the tree, gifts galore from the ceiling to the floor, wrapped in real gold and silver for the Trump family, Koch tissue paper for employees.

These joyful gifts come from places far and near: Wall Street Brokerage Houses, China, Saudi Arabia and the NRA!

Gifts from Taiwan, Asia, Duetsch Bank, Vladimir Putin and a hooting, hollering, handgun shooting, Roy Moore, who leaps to the dance floor still cling with one hand on Hope Hicks' breasts.

"The Donald", all dressed in an orange-red Santa jump suit, is loaded down with a big bag of "Christmas Lies", and, plenty of Steven Bannon flies.

"Oh, my", the Fake Commander-In-Cheetos whines, "No time for Twitter & Lies. I am all a flitter Putin is neigh"!

"Up on the rooftop", the nation's "First Ho", Melanoma, nearly nude, (a former European Porn Star) struts her stuff with mistletoe garlands adorning her "junk", while the slain Rudolf's Red Nose lights up her breasts.
 
Below, the Attorney General, Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, bellows, "I don't know, I don't recall, I can't remember the lines Trump told me to say!"

Judge Roy Moore, again, leaps to his feet inviting all the young girls, 14 to17, to sit on his swollen lap and tell him "who's been naughty or nice".

The Godly Judge, with sexual complaints to ignore, says with a slap on the teens' round buttocks, how much he enjoy staring at their "jiggling nubile bosom, not, yet, developed"! With chuckle and a roar he shouts from the door,  "that's just the way I lick them", then, falls to the floor erupting in more denials, "At least, I am not gay", he says as he wave.
 
While the Constitution , the Separation of Church and States and the Rules of Law burn brightly in the glow of a roaring red, all red, historic grand fireplace made by black slaves warms up the room.

From the back of the great room, a tipsy Mitch (the Bitch) McConnell, dressed in all white, calls out:  "Throw in the damn Bill of Rights, tosses it all in! The Separation of Powers, Inheritance Taxes, Taxes on the Rich, Welfare For The Poor, Children Lunches, and more".

At which point, the room filled with a "roar", as the entire Republican encore cheerily joins in, (all, all are packing, packing. . . a handgun) began to laugh and fire their weapons to Celebrate The Christmas Season!"

While the little children, snug in their beds, slept frightfully as Child Sexual Predators galore race down  the Halls looking for their beds to read them a Christmas story!

The Donald, now, dressed in his red nighties, grabbed the Megaphone, shook his head, pursed his lips and gave out a great toast:

"Have a Happy, Happy Christmas from our Incest Loving Family to Urine. ]]> Sun, 17 Dec 2017 13:08:23 -0500 http://thenewstalkers.com/eat-the-press-do-not-read-it/blog/1419/garrison-keller-goes-down http://thenewstalkers.com/eat-the-press-do-not-read-it/blog/1419
Another "Mighty, left leaning Liberal" has fallen! "FIRED" for alleged "improper behavior", dallying in the Valley of Love.

With so many going down, do you think DONALD J. TRUMP, "America's Biggest SEXUAL PREDATOR", could be next in line?

Trump leads the pack with 19 women accusing him of sexual misconduct; 4 others claiming he RAPED them, while two of those four are alleging that he "brutally, sexually assaulted" them when they were only 12 and 13 years old.My far, Trump is the undisputed Leader of the Pack of SEXUAL ASSAULTERS, don't you assert?

That has to make our "FAKE", Russian installed, Commander-In-Cheaply Made Clothes, the "TOP SEXUAL PREDATOR IN AMERICA"!

Larry Flynt, my good old buddy from Dayton, Ohio, told me in a "Telepathic Interview", that Trump made the cover of "Hustler", this past week, but, missed out on Times " Man of The Year Award". 

Hustler magazine is saving his round, bulbous red arse by choosing him, this year, as "Sexual Predator of the Years" to great cheer.

Now, ye, folks, in the Sexual Offender's World, know those are strong credentials that any "wannabe" sexual deviate would me proud to call their own.

Hands up in the air, swirling circles with his fingers, Trump, our  COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF of Sexual Misconduct is the undisputed king of "Sexual Assaults", chere, in "Merica! Makin' 'Merica Grate, Again", on everyone's last freakin' nerve.

Why we even have a video of him bragging about his technique from the good folks at "Access Hollywood". (Of Course, the Trump says it's a "FAKE"! It was Hillary in a pantsuit. Fake, fake fake!"

"It was Hillary in drag wearing one of my old wigs that I gave her, back in the day when I was doing her"!

To confirm his title, the "Dick-tator", offered up evidence of the lawsuits, the settlements, even a hilarious radio interview he did with that "Giggle Fest", fellow lecher, Howard Stern.

Howard Stern, as everyone in Washington, D.C. knows is a world respected "Urinalist", filling the radio airwaves with SMUT, SEXUAL INUENDO, and POLITICAL PORNORGRAPHY!

"Da Donald with the Big Mouth and Little Johnson"" proudly bragged to Stern how he loved "to walk into the girls' dressing rooms on an "inspection tour, of his Miss Teen USA Pageant while the girls were undressing.

Trump explained to the naked girls that he was doing "an inspection". Crafty, ain't he? Smart, too.Is he URINE PRESIDENT?  I prefer "dry ones"!

]]> Wed, 29 Nov 2017 15:51:11 -0500 http://thenewstalkers.com/eat-the-press-do-not-read-it/blog/1408/should-franken-be-forced-to-resign http://thenewstalkers.com/eat-the-press-do-not-read-it/blog/1408

Should Franken be forced to resign?

Judge Roy Moore, the famous Gun Waving, Cowboy is running for Senate as a Republican in the highly contested election in Alabama has weighed in on the so called "Franken Sexual Harassment Incident". Judge Moore said that if he is elected, he will personally" force Franken to resign" at the point of his pistol.

"We can't have the Senate despoiled by Democrats! That's my job," added the accused Child Predator!

The question for our readers to consider is: "SHOULD FRANKEN BE SHOT" for "French Kissing" an actress as part of a comedy sketch? Republicans say, "Yes". Democrats say, "WTF"?

Would society be better served if All Franken was "Impaled on a stake in front of the Capital Building", as many Evangelicals hiss?
Historians, according to our non-existing pole, prefer that Franken be "burned at the staked! It's historically more accurate", noted a high school history student we never spoke to.
Southern Sadists, aka "Evangelical Preachers", prefer "horsewhipping" with some good old Southern traditional "tarred and feathering", throw in jest fer fun, then," hung". (Ouch)!

However, our friends in the LGBT community offered up the best remedy, "bitch slapping" him on national TV in front of a live audience of "angry lesbians"?

Here, at the "Less Than Prestigious", Eat The Press - Don't Wipe Your Bun With It, our internal research team (a wino living in the basement of the Washington Monument), concluded that "the public's reaction is all over the place". They observed that this incident is most frequently seen on Men's restroom stalls in upscale "Gay Baths".

However, dear, unenlightened readers, if, perchance, you are unaware of the lastest "Sex Scandal of the Day" sweeping the internet, or, for some personal reason you have had your head up your ass for a week, let us recap for you so, like the "Deplorables", you won't be left behind wondering, "WTF is he talking about?"

Al Franken, the United States Senator from Minnesota, is accused of the unholy act of "French Kissing" a female actress during a comedy sketch rehearsal, eleven years ago, when he was on a USO tour with her and several other entertainers. The comedy sketch script called for a "kiss".

Franken, ever, the child/prankster who never grew up, planted a wet "French Kiss" on the unsuspecting actresses lip and, according to Leeann Tweedem, a Playboy model, the comedian. "jammed his tongue down the back of my throat".
Judge Roy Moore, also, an "Accused Sexual Predator", has much more experience in these areas. He has racked up an impressive nine accusations from women who claimed "he fooled around with them down there, in that nasty place" when they were teenagers, and he was a 32 year old District of Attorney.
So, the Judges know a thing or two about sexual aggression! He is kind of an expert on the subject.
The "GODLY JUDGE", as he knows to his Goofus supporters, explained to our staff reporter, Linda Lovelace, the former actress, turned Urinalist, "that as an attractive man. . . Naturally, women, girls, even, mothers are attracted" to him.

"Cause I am a babe magnet and a lecherous old reprobate that chases teenage nokki!", the obnoxious judge bragged.

The now disgraced Judge confined to our reporter, "Deep Throat", Linda, (in case you didn't get it), as he seductively ran his gnarled hands through her hair, unhooked her bra and nibbled on her ear lobes.
"As a born and bred Southern gentleman, we be raised not to disrespect women. That's why I accommodated as many of them as I could, but, only with their Mother's permission! Cause I am a Christian. Franken ain't! He is Jewish," added the judge as he moved his hand under her skirt, only to find that she was sans underwear.

The Judge excited, railed for several hours, about how "this disgusting Al Frankenstein scandal is totally un-American and hurtful to 'Merica."

Several times during his rant he waved his pistol at the audience and point it at imaginary Democrat. Screaming like a hysterical girl, the red faced, red neck from a red state shouted," French Kiss! Why, shucks, French Kissing is tantamount to a Sin. It's foreign. That is the worst of sins. If one is going to sin at least be patriotic enough to bring it home. French Kissing ain't even 'Merican! It's French!"

In full transparency, we, here, at the Real Fake News, (not the "real" news our FAKE PRESIDENT whines about, conducted a "Telepathic Interview" with the "Godly Judge", as slept with his newest 14 year old "squeeze". Roy may or may not have any memory of it.

"In regards to the sexual attack involving Senator Franken", the Godly Judge said, "it can in no way be compared to my well thought out, well plan seduction."
"Senator Franken is a Northerner, they screw up everything", he added.
"Can you image the horrors of horror this poor, innocent, naïve debutante must have felt, as the older actor, surprised her by stinking his Jewish tongue deep into her soul palate in that pure, all white, Christian mouth? Why it is a sin, against God, hisself", he hissed, grunted and backfired.

"Horror of Horrors!", shouted, the man of God, of the Law, and a former D.A.is also a disbarred Alabama Supreme Court Judge.

"In Alabama we hanged folks for less! Or more! We like to hang people. It like a hobby with some folks".
Linda Lovelace, our star reporter from Dallas, is a professional urinalist, not a stodgy journalist, as some of her peers are believed to be. Linda, the facts, digging, "Urinalist", was able to track down the accuser's Mother, Teresa's.

Mother Theresa confirmed that Leeann Tweeden is a FOX TV Sports contributor, who prefer to pose NUDE in men's magazines, like Playboy, Hustler, and "Big 'Em", Al Bundy's favorite magazine.
"But", Mother Teresa added, "she is as pure as driven snow during a sleet storm! White as white, can be. So, you can believe anything she says," she said, holding her fingers crossed behind her back.
"Tweedely-Dee", Leeanne's biker name, is a highly paid Nude Men's Magazine Model who is, coincidentally, a PERSONAL FRIEND of Sean Hannity, Fox TV Network's "FAKE News for Morons" show, where she can be seen overtly flirting, teasing and tempting the former Alter Boy, Sean, in, of course, totally "acceptable, Christian ways".

"Tweedlee-Dumb" is currently making the rounds of networks TV programs, garbed in a very sheik, black nun's dress gushing forth in great, lurid detail how she was "sexually assaulted" by Franken and traumatized for life.
She even compares her misadventure with Franken to "the trauma suffered by victims of Harvey Weinstein's sexual assaults", adding, that she, now, "knows how they felt".
Because prior to her AWAKENING, she was just a "Show Biz Slut" showing her tits for money, or, words not remotely similar to this.
Linda Lovelace, no novice to smut, observed that the movie mogul, Weinstein, (also "a dirty Jew, bastard", according to Judge Roy Moore reportedly likes to masturbate in front of actresses. Roy doesn't, he would like to but has never gotten that far.
When Harvey first learned of Leeann's horrific experience, he said to ACCESS HOLLYWOOD, "I would do her".

Weinstein, allegedly claimed that his encounter where business transactions. "They were a way that a young actress could pay her Union dues".
"If a young, innocent actress wanted to become a STAR, and NOT PARK CARS, you have to pay to play", explained Mister Weinstein, a close personal friend of the Judge Moore, who he met at Cemetery School, when they were starting out in their career.
"It's like a screen test without the screen!"
Although, as "disquieting" as this practice might seem to those of us on the outside of the "industry", it is the key to jump starting, or, slamming shut, one's acting career in the film industry, especially for female actresses and some good looking male leads."
Linda, no barb to Sex Scandals, noted, "that as a professional urinalist, I, have to say in Mr. Weinstein's defense, "that at least it was a quid pro quo"!
(Something for something). "That's how I got my first film job".
"Not so with the Jewish, tightwad, Al Franken's sex crazed incident. Franken is a washed up hack from SNL. Besides, he has a big nozzle with impure blood", expounded the good Judge, Roy Moore, during his speech to Alabama's "Retarded Preachers Supporting Judge Roy Moore", at a $7.50 per plate rally held at "Hooters"!
"Why Frankenstein, ain't even a Christian!", evoked the Judge, again, and, again, as the most self-ordained, backwoods, backward
Evil-Genital pastors cheered, stomped their feet and grabbed the wait staff's by their pussies.
The Judge thundered in his best biblical voice, "this incident, this sexual misconduct involving a one time French Kiss of actress, during a comedy scene rehearsal, may well be, the beginning of the end of our Christian Civilization. As we know it!"

At which point, the rowdy group of Alabamian pastors worked themselves up into a "religious frenzy" when Moore pulled his pistol out and plunged into his own, loudmouth to demonstrate the act of "French Kissing" and licked with his tongue.

"Franken is a Jew. A Killer of Jesus! He is not a Christian like you and me," the Judge exhorted his Fake Christian audience, then, leaped upon a table so all 23 pastors might see him in his new Cowboy attire.
"This Jew boy, stuck his ethnic, uncleansed tongue deep into the throat of an innocent, white women sending her into a lifetime of compulsive behavior, which cause her to pose nude for Men's Magazine for money."

"Shame, shame on Franken!", shouted back the now drunk crowd of Fake pastors and several prostitutes, now in full attendance.

"Why this forced, unwanted SEXUAL ACT could have ignited a Nuclear War with Evangelical Christians and North Korea. if I had not interceded and settle my folks down. I am the hero, here. Elect me. I know hot to stir up shit. And stop it."

"Beside", the frothing Judge added, "there was No Qui Pro Quo. Ms. Tweedem didn't even get an autograph from Franken. How cheap is that?"

Unfortunately the other 900 pages of the Telepathic Interview were garbled forcing us to shred them before Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller subpoenas us.

We don't want that cause we don't know what a subpoenas is. Is it something you suck?
In closing, now, that all of you are all fast asleep, let me say this about that:
"REPUBLICANS SENATORS want to hold hearings on this "FRENCH KISS" incident, but, refuse to hold any hearings on CURBING GUN VIOLENCE!"

Which is more obscene?


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