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BREAKING NEWS! Trump Defects to Russia

By:  al Jizzerror  •  Satire  •  one week ago  •  61 comments

BREAKING NEWS! Trump Defects to Russia

Donald Trump shocked the world today when he secretly left the G20 in Argentina.  He was seen boarding Valdimir Putin's airplane and his destination is apparently Moscow.  A spokesman for the Kremlin, Boris Badenov, issued a short statement:

Trump recently requested political asylum in Russia.  Russia agrees that Trump belongs in an asylum, so this move was planned to coincide with the G20 so that he could evade his Secret Service.

Apparently acting Attorney General Matthew Whitaker has been briefing the White House since early November on the progress being made by Mueller's investigation.  The investigation, of course, has uncovered a massive amount of evidence that will undoubtedly result in the impeachment of Trump and jail time for for most of the people involved in Trump's campaign.  Mueller has proof of Trump's conspiracy with the Russians.  But that's just the tip of the iceberg.  There is also proof of huge amounts of money flowing in from countries in the Middle East and Russia.

Trump's family has been fleeing the country like rats abandoning a sinking ship.  They have been "off shoring" assets and are hiding out in various Trump hotels all over the world.  It is rumored that Trump's son-in-law, Jared Kushner, went to the Saudi consulate in Turkey to request political asylum.  He was seen going into the consulate but he never came out.  It has been rumored Kushner may have fallen on a bone saw at the consulate.  The Saudi Clown Prince Mohammed bin Salman said, "Jared Kushner?  I never heard of him."

Donald Trump Junior is said to be hiding out near Trump Tower in Makati, Philippines.  He hopes to go hunting for "drug dealers" with President Rodrigo Duterte.  Eric Trump also went into hiding (but he doesn't know where the fuck he is).

Melania Trump left the G20 and immediately returned to her native country of Slovenia.  Melania is now working on her new online porn site, Firstladies I'd like to hump (FILTH.cum).

I know everyone is anxious to find out what Donald Trump will be doing in Moscow.  Before his election (and during his campaign) The Donald planned to erect his extremely ostentatious Trump Towers building in Moscow.  But since Trump won the election, he became the most important Russian agent in history and his hotel plans were scrapped.  Now Mueller is outing Trump as Putin's secret agent so Putin's plan has changed.  Trump is no longer of any value as a Russian agent so Putin has decided to make Trump a tourist attraction.

Putin is building "Trump Showers" in the middle of Red Square.  Trump showers resembles a dunking booth.  It's a small clear plexiglass shower enclosure where Trump will sit (naked) on a stool.  For only $100 a throw each participant gets to throw a ball at a target.  When the target is hit, a bell rings and a gallon of urine is dumped on Trump's head.  What a pisser!

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PJ
1  PJ    one week ago

In the meantime, Christians all over the US have started building arks in order to flee the new world.  They have posted ads all over advertising for Trump's base to join them in their journey to find another country they can ruin. 

Mexico has closed it's borders as has Canada, Germany, France, Italy, and the UK.    

Rumor has it that Saudi Arabia and Russia have agreed to take them in but only if they promise to treat their women like shit and obey marshal law.  The Christians have immediately agreed to the terms since it's aligned with how they view women.  

 
 
MUVA
2  MUVA    one week ago

Is this fake news seems a little far fetched. 

 
 
sandy-2021492
2.1  sandy-2021492  replied to  MUVA @2    one week ago

It's tagged satire.

 
 
MUVA
2.1.1  MUVA  replied to  sandy-2021492 @2.1    one week ago

No shit what do you think I posted for fuck sakes.

 
 
sandy-2021492
2.1.2  sandy-2021492  replied to  MUVA @2.1.1    one week ago

If you'd realized it was satire, you wouldn't have bothered to call it "fake news" or "far fetched".

 
 
MUVA
2.1.3  MUVA  replied to  sandy-2021492 @2.1.2    one week ago

That is called satire acting like I don't understand it's satire I would suggest comedy isn't your strong suit.

 
 
PJ
2.1.4  PJ  replied to  MUVA @2.1.3    one week ago

You just won an Emmy because no one caught on that you were pretending to pretend you didn't know this was satire.  jrSmiley_91_smiley_image.gif

Maybe you should stick to boat building.  I recently heard there were some Christians looking to build a couple.  

 
 
PJ
2.1.5  PJ  replied to  MUVA @2.1.1    one week ago

You're grumpy tonight.....

 
 
MUVA
2.1.6  MUVA  replied to  PJ @2.1.5    one week ago

No I just like stirring the satire and smoking the pot.

 
 
Sister Mary Agnes Ample Bottom
2.1.7  Sister Mary Agnes Ample Bottom  replied to  MUVA @2.1.3    one week ago
That is called satire acting like I don't understand it's satire I would suggest comedy isn't your strong suit.

Can you stop being a dick for just 5 minutes please?

 
 
MUVA
2.1.8  MUVA  replied to  Sister Mary Agnes Ample Bottom @2.1.7    one week ago

can you say your post will be removed.

 
 
al Jizzerror
2.1.9  author  al Jizzerror  replied to  MUVA @2.1.8    one week ago

WTF?

Why would Sister Mary's post be removed, Richard?

 
 
al Jizzerror
2.1.10  author  al Jizzerror  replied to  sandy-2021492 @2.1.2    one week ago

I added a new tag ("Fake Satire") in an attempt to end this argument.

 
 
devangelical
2.1.11  devangelical  replied to  al Jizzerror @2.1.10    one week ago

removing the punctuation would have probably worked better

 
 
lennylynx
2.1.12  lennylynx  replied to  devangelical @2.1.11    one week ago

total incoherent what work better even than

 
 
badfish hαηd ⊕ƒ †hε Ωuεεη
2.1.13  badfish hαηd ⊕ƒ †hε Ωuεεη  replied to  Sister Mary Agnes Ample Bottom @2.1.7    one week ago

Get em sister!

 
 
Split Personality
2.1.14  Split Personality  replied to  devangelical @2.1.11    one week ago

AHHHHHHHH,  REAL SATIRE, lol

jrSmiley_10_smiley_image.gif

 
 
sandy-2021492
2.1.15  sandy-2021492  replied to  al Jizzerror @2.1.10    one week ago
I added a new tag ("Fake Satire")

Wait.

Would that be "real news", then?

I'm so confused.  I now doubt my ability to spot satire (not really, for those who can't spot satire), which sucks, because I love satire.

 
 
al Jizzerror
2.1.16  author  al Jizzerror  replied to  Split Personality @2.1.14    one week ago

I'm having trouble navigating this site.  Is there an article that provides a NT tutorial?

 
 
dave-2693993
2.1.17  dave-2693993  replied to  al Jizzerror @2.1.16    one week ago

I would send Perrie a Private Note about the question. Raven Wing may have made a tutorial.

Click your name in the upper right corner of the page and drop list will appear. About 4th or so down you will see private Notes. Click that and you are there. You might have to fiddle around until you are comfortable with the PN tool.

I have been using the iRobot vacuum cleaner method.

 
 
Split Personality
2.1.18  Split Personality  replied to  dave-2693993 @2.1.17    one week ago

Love watching those things, lol.

Randomly, it eventually gets it done.

 
 
MrFrost
2.1.19  MrFrost  replied to  PJ @2.1.4    6 days ago
Maybe you should stick to boat building.  I recently heard there were some Christians looking to build a couple.  

*looks out the window*

Calm down, it's not raining that hard... ;)

 
 
Paula Bartholomew
2.1.20  Paula Bartholomew  replied to  MUVA @2.1.1    2 days ago

Why are you busting sandy's chops?  YOU are the one who asked if it is "Fake news".  If you knew it was satire, why did you ask that in the first place?

 
 
SteevieGee
2.2  SteevieGee  replied to  MUVA @2    6 days ago

Of course it's fake news.  I know for a fact that a short time after boarding Putin's plane he was seen getting off the plane, wiping his chin.

 
 
al Jizzerror
2.2.1  author  al Jizzerror  replied to  SteevieGee @2.2    6 days ago
 
 
PJ
2.2.2  PJ  replied to  al Jizzerror @2.2.1    6 days ago

Wha?!!  Pussy Poaching President Prefers Putin's Penis?

 
 
al Jizzerror
2.2.3  author  al Jizzerror  replied to  PJ @2.2.2    6 days ago
 
 
PJ
2.2.4  PJ  replied to  al Jizzerror @2.2.3    6 days ago
Putin grabs shit too.

I think Putin is just putting his hand where it will allow him to manipulate his puppet successfully.  

 
 
devangelical
3  devangelical    one week ago
Jared Kushner, went to the Saudi consulate in Turkey to request political asylum.  He was seen going into the consulate but he never came out.  It has been rumored Kushner may have fallen on a bone saw at the consulate.  The Saudi Clown Prince Mohammed bin Salman said, "Jared Kushner?  I never heard of him."

An all you can eat spaghetti dinner featuring kosher meatballs was announced for later in the evening at the consulate.

 
 
dave-2693993
4  dave-2693993    one week ago

I want to know Natasha's role in this boondoggle?

...and who's keeping an eye on moose and squirrel?

 
 
pat wilson
4.1  pat wilson  replied to  dave-2693993 @4    one week ago

I loved those cartoons, Bullwinkle, Rocky, Natasha and Boris ! And the Fractured Fairy Tales ? Hilarious !

 
 
Kavika
4.1.1  Kavika   replied to  pat wilson @4.1    one week ago

The New First Family

Rocky-Bullwinkle-Boris-Natasha-e14140637

 
 
dave-2693993
4.1.2  dave-2693993  replied to  pat wilson @4.1    one week ago

Now THOSE were cartoons!

 
 
dave-2693993
4.1.3  dave-2693993  replied to  Kavika @4.1.1    one week ago

Mom didn't appreciate when I learned how to read this one:

8dc450711597aa18bf474ac22d59b241b737c36f

 
 
Split Personality
4.1.4  Split Personality  replied to  pat wilson @4.1    one week ago

 
 
al Jizzerror
4.1.5  author  al Jizzerror  replied to  dave-2693993 @4.1.3    6 days ago
 
 
JBB
4.2  JBB  replied to  dave-2693993 @4    one week ago

Trump is so damn squirrelly he should get a dumb moose as comic sidekick.

Sarah Palin is available...

 
 
dave-2693993
4.2.1  dave-2693993  replied to  JBB @4.2    one week ago

Oops! Maybe not a good match.

images?q=tbn:ANd9GcR7l0edfQjH51b9G1ICSVh

 
 
Paula Bartholomew
4.2.2  Paula Bartholomew  replied to  JBB @4.2    2 days ago

He already has Hot Dog On A Stick Conaway.

 
 
al Jizzerror
4.3  author  al Jizzerror  replied to  dave-2693993 @4    one week ago
who's keeping an eye on moose and squirrel?

Fearless Leader?

 
 
Galen Marvin Ross
4.3.1  Galen Marvin Ross  replied to  al Jizzerror @4.3    one week ago

It might be this guy too,

 
 
dave-2693993
4.3.2  dave-2693993  replied to  al Jizzerror @4.3    one week ago

I see a family resemblance.images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQlBhxtIahMn5jDEqYIG5g

 
 
dave-2693993
4.3.3  dave-2693993  replied to  Galen Marvin Ross @4.3.1    one week ago

Hmmmm? I don't know. Moose is bigger and squirrel can fly away.

No wonder they are cartoon superheros.

 
 
JohnRussell
5  JohnRussell    one week ago

Nice satire. well done.

-

I think what is really going to happen though is that after Trump falls (from power and grace) he will find enough trumpist ideologues left to be the audience for his new 24 hour Trump News Network. All Trump all the time, as he rails against how he has been mistreated, in between shows about his businesses and lifestyle and his family.  The network will last two or three years, lose viewers , and fade away. Trump passes on to that great con job in the sky, and Ivanka runs for president in 2032.

 
 
NV-Robin6
5.1  NV-Robin6  replied to  JohnRussell @5    3 days ago

Please,  just say no to that too easy of an off! Satire aside, I am hoping cosmic karma comes to pass that Twitlertwat has a stroke over the stress of his con game being revealed as he can't stop it now.  He ends up where he can't talk or physically move but can hear just fine. I want him to watch as his kids are indicted and jailed for being co-conspirators in their treasonous con game that invited the Russians to fuck with our country.

As far as his neocon sycophants, well, many were always a dying breed anyway. Darwinism on display and in the works. The remainder who fell victim of his appeal to populism, I wish the better for.  That they actually get educated, gain a prosperous life and live healthier than ever. 

 
 
al Jizzerror
5.1.1  author  al Jizzerror  replied to  NV-Robin6 @5.1    2 days ago

Well put.

I want to see Mueller throw the book at the Twitwit.

 
 
al Jizzerror
6  author  al Jizzerror    one week ago
Nice satire. well done.

Thank you!

 
 
badfish hαηd ⊕ƒ †hε Ωuεεη
7  badfish hαηd ⊕ƒ †hε Ωuεεη    one week ago

A great way to strike up a new trade deal with the Ruskies. I'm tired of paying a premium for the State Vodka.

 
 
Trout Giggles
8  Trout Giggles    6 days ago

Al, next post your satire in Sinners and Buttheads. Let me know if you need help.

This was great!

 
 
al Jizzerror
8.1  author  al Jizzerror  replied to  Trout Giggles @8    6 days ago

Yeah, I'm just starting to figure this place out.

I thought I'd be able to designate S&BH after I wrote it but now I know I have to write it there.

 
 
cobaltblue
9  cobaltblue    4 days ago

Today, I'm back from vacay. What's going on here? I thought this was a serious newssite. 

Glad you're back in the fold. Although I've grown to hate the word 'fold.' Every time I see Trumplethinskin, I can't look away from his neck. He's got the most pronounced vagina neck I've ever seen. It's like a foldout from Hustler. 

And I'm THRILLED you're writing again. Stick with facts, logic and satire. Your short-lived "Advice From AlJizz" seemed tunnel-visioned. 

47f558_204266.jpg

 
 
Trout Giggles
9.1  Trout Giggles  replied to  cobaltblue @9    4 days ago

Who authorized this vacation?

"perform oral sex and cook him a nice meal"

It would be even better if you could do both at the same time

 
 
cobaltblue
9.1.1  cobaltblue  replied to  Trout Giggles @9.1    4 days ago
It would be even better if you could do both at the same time

Seems to me that blow jobs make great negotiation fodder. For instance, in interest of fairness, the oral copulator should be compensed by dinner out on the town. Small price to the copulee. Eating out for eating out, as it were. Or she could put the Grub Hub app on her phone. 

 
 
al Jizzerror
9.4  author  al Jizzerror  replied to  cobaltblue @9    3 days ago

I'm getting high on vacation right now.

512

 
 
Paula Bartholomew
9.4.1  Paula Bartholomew  replied to  al Jizzerror @9.4    2 days ago

Where is that and how much would it cost me to stay there?

 
 
al Jizzerror
9.4.2  author  al Jizzerror  replied to  Paula Bartholomew @9.4.1    2 days ago

I took that pic with my iPhone using maximum zoom from a (smaller place) I rented on Sugar Mountain, NC.

I have no idea how much it would cost to stay there or if it's available.

 
 
PJ
9.4.3  PJ  replied to  al Jizzerror @9.4    yesterday

sigh...... how I long to be out in the country.   There's nothing better than a walk on a nice brisk/cold morning.  Makes me happy just thinking about it.  

 
 
cobaltblue
10  cobaltblue    4 days ago

Okay ... youse guys be the judges. 

DGZOgF_WAAEJeYu.jpg

DGoddILXkAA30iJ.jpg?fit=551%2C382&ssl=1&

Here's a piece of substandard satire about the disgusting display. Of course, once you've had a taste of al [heh, heh, heh], everything else is substandard. 

 
 
al Jizzerror
10.1  author  al Jizzerror  replied to  cobaltblue @10    3 days ago
 
 
freepress
11  freepress    3 days ago

When you look at Trump's insane behavior at the G-20 and at the Bush funeral, that might be a real possibility. Hilarity ensues when Trump presents himself for asylum in Russia. Then Russia proposes building a wall to keep Trump's family out.

I honestly believe that the last few public trips where you can see world leaders looking at Trump in an odd way and the way Trump was looked at during the Bush funeral, it is almost like every world leader got to see the "pee tape".

Trump is such a patsy that Putin doesn't take him seriously anyway so it would be no surprise at all if the dirt they have on Trump got leaked behind the scenes and no one will say anything. The silent smirks are just like kids in school who know a secret and you can see every world leader with that kind of secret smirk. They all know something that Trump and the public don't know.

 
 
Paula Bartholomew
13  Paula Bartholomew    2 days ago

Where is that and how much would it cost me to stay there?