Friendship

randy
By:  @randy, 5 months ago
Comments: 24 ..

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By Randy Snyder

 

Last night I emailed an old friend. Now I haven't been in contact with him for about 4 or 5 years. It's not that I have been angry with him or that he has been angry with me and that we haven't been talking to each other. In fact in the 42 years I have known Dave I don't think there has ever really been an angry word pass between us.

 

 

 

What happened with not being in touch for a few years is completely normal for us. Of course when we were younger and stationed at the same Air Base and when we were roommates going to college we were around each other a lot more. When I was the Best Man at his wedding and he was at mine, we were around each other, but being apart from him for a few years doesn't matter. When I emailed him it was like the last few years just disappeared and we picked right back up where were before like no time has passed at all. Of course we have to catch up on what each other has been up to, but as far as the friendship itself, it is just as rock solid as it has ever been. Sometimes it's him contacting me. And my wife doesn't understand that.

 

 

 

For her she has to call her friends at least once a month and talk to them for at least an hour or two and she can't conceive of a friendship that doesn't require that. I have no doubt that Dave is my best friend and even if I hadn't been in touch with him for a few years (which has happened four or five times since I have known him), if I needed him to be there for me, he would be. No doubt at all. And it would be the same with me. As long as I have a roof, so does he if he needs one and it would be the same with him. We were bros in the Air Force, bros in college and have never stopped being bros. He is like my brother and I know he thinks of me the same way. But my wife is mystified about this kind of friendship that doesn't require constant reinforcement or maintenance. She thinks it's terrible and insulting to him that I don't stay in constant touch with him and I do go through years at a time when I do. She doesn't understand about the kind of friendship where both are completely secure in knowing that the other is their best friend, no matter what and no matter how much time passes between contacts.

 

 

 

So the question is, do you have a friend like that? Someone that even if you lost touch with them you could still say they are your best friend? Someone you knew you could contact after a long time and it would be like no time had passed at all and you just picked up where you left off before?

 

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Randy
link 03/30/17 03:15:16AM @randy:

What does friendship mean to you? Is it something that depends on constant contact. Is it something to you desire to be constant contact. Is it something you're afraid you lose if you don't talk to your friend for awhile? Are you afraid that if you don't stay in contact you are afraid that you're friend might take it wrong, like you're angry at them? Do you think that friendship, real friendship, is possible with years long gaps in it?

What is friendship to you?

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Kavika
link 03/30/17 05:22:23AM @kavika:

Interesting question Randy.

My closet friend (30 plus years) does not require, nor do I require constant contact. We now live a 1,000 miles apart, but are still the very best of friends. We talk on the phone once a month or so and we always try to have a vacation together  once a year.

The bond is unbreakable, although we have very different thoughts when it comes to politics. Our friendship transcends politics.

In fact now that you posted this article, I will call him today. It's been over a month.

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Randy
link 03/30/17 05:30:04AM @randy:

Actually I haven't asked Dave if his politics have changed over the years. I guess it possible, but he always seemed to be as liberal as me. If he is not, it won't change our friendship any.

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Buzz of the Orient
link 03/30/17 05:32:09AM @buzz-of-the-orient:

One doesn't have to agree on everything to be good friends and enjoy a friendly dialogue most of the time.

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Randy
link 03/30/17 06:18:34AM @randy:

True, however it seems as if Dave and I were born as twins when it comes to politics and social beliefs. That helps a lot.

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Buzz of the Orient
link 03/30/17 05:29:31AM @buzz-of-the-orient:

Unfortunately I can't call my best friend, the one I shared a room with at university, the one I bought my lakeside chalet 3 cottages away to be near, the one who never left my side and drove me around when my father died, the one who i went on holidays with when we were single, to Cape Cod, NYC, Miami Beach, Chicago, because he died of a heart attack around 30 years ago. Addicted to Coca Cola, it eventually killed him.

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Randy
link 03/30/17 05:30:57AM @randy:

I am so sorry Buzz. Losing a best friend is one of the hardest experiences of all.

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Kavika
link 03/30/17 06:40:35AM @kavika:

Sorry to hear that you lost your best friend, Buzz.

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Buzz of the Orient
link 03/30/17 07:48:32AM @buzz-of-the-orient:

I think I was probably in a state of shock, a kind of unhappy zombie-like dreamworld at his funeral. But I was the one who paid the piper - it was the last favour I could do for him.

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Perrie Halpern R.A.
link 03/30/17 09:14:56AM @perrie-halpern:

Ditto on Kavika's comment, Buzz. It is terrible to lose someone you have such a special bond with. 

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Uptownchick
link 03/30/17 08:52:15AM @uptownchick:

I lost my best friend 28 months ago...my husband, Jay.  Can't express how much I miss him.  We were together for 38 1/2 years...many of them working together.  It wasn't all rainbows and butterflies but one thing for sure is that we were ALWAYS there for each other.

My best "girl" friend is someone I've known for over 40 years.  She lives here in Michigan, too, but some hours away so we talk...A LOT...on the phone every weekend.  Thick and thin...I'll always, always be there for her and she for me no matter the distance.

About a year or so ago I was chatting with an online friend...he was coming out of a relationship that didn't work out. We talked a lot...calls, messages, texts...for several months.  He made me realize I could have feelings for someone other than my husband (trust me I never, ever thought that would happen!).  Unfortunately, that relationship he had come out of left some pretty deep scars.  He told me we were having so much fun at first then he started to have feelings for me and didn't want me to get hurt because he felt he couldn't get into another relationship.  I found out recently that it turns out he's had some very serious medical issues in the months since.  We've been in touch a few times but it's hard and it makes me sad.

I'm trying to move forward with my life...make new friends, form new relationships.  Being a bit of a homebody kind of makes that tricky but I'm going to keep trying...I have to because I realize I hate being alone.  And, quite frankly, I think I'm a good friend to have!

Wow...I think this is the longest comment I've ever posted here!  Thanks Randy (my fellow Michigander...lol) for putting this article up...it allowed me to open up a bit about my life, something I haven't shared much of here.

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Perrie Halpern R.A.
link 03/30/17 09:18:50AM @perrie-halpern:

Uppy,

I know that the day you lost Jay, was the worst day of your life. The thing about a special relationship like that, is that you can never really replace it. But maybe with time, you can find one that is different but just as special. IDK.. I am not in your shoes. But then again, you would have to be less of a homebody, Wink

And yes, it took Randy for you to write your longest comment. As for me, my brain isn't up yet, so please excuse anything that didn't come out right. 

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Uptownchick
link 03/30/17 09:28:11AM @uptownchick:

Thank you Perrie.  We've been through a lot together, haven't we?  I love you more like a sister and I will always be your friend and you mine.  Forever friends ♥  

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Perrie Halpern R.A.
link 03/30/17 09:35:40AM @perrie-halpern:

Ditto, my friend. And yes we have been through a lot, and we're both still standing, my dear friend. 

Oh gosh, this is as mushy as I get, LOL. ♥️

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Uptownchick
link 03/30/17 09:56:41AM @uptownchick:

LOL...I made Perrie get mushy!!  Never thought I'd see the day!! LOL

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Perrie Halpern R.A.
link 03/30/17 09:33:01AM @perrie-halpern:

I have been very lucky as I have so many childhood friends in my life, but the two that I can count on always, in good times and bad, is Ronny and Steve and I was lucky enough that their wives are friends now, too. They really are more like two brothers that I never had. Matt's mom passed away, a week ago Monday, and these two guys were there, non stop to give a hand and support. 

My friend Marty is priceless to me too, but he lives in California and so I miss him a lot.

Although it seems that I get along with men better my whole life, my other best gal friends are Leslie and Laury. I have known them almost my whole life, and we have shared so much together. 

I would have to also give a special call out to Cheryl and Philip. Again, two people I have known almost my whole life and have shared so much with. 

Although I have made friends in my adulthood, and I love them for who they are, these are the people that are almost family to me. 

Like I said, I have been very lucky.

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deepwaterdon
link 03/30/17 09:35:50AM @deepwaterdon:

Randy.... Still on first cup of coffee, so brain not fully engaged. But just have to comment on your topic.

My best friend of 40 years lives only 100 miles from me. while we have been in and out of touch over the years, see each other once every two or three months, we talk on the phone once every week or two, just to keep up. Works for us.

Good article, thanks

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PJ
link 03/30/17 10:33:30AM @pj:

This is one of those articles that makes you reveal something about yourself that you otherwise wouldn't.  

The short answer is No.  

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Uptownchick
link 03/30/17 10:42:02AM @uptownchick:

I don't understand what your comment means?  Did someone reveal something about themselves that they wouldn't share with a friend?  

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PJ
link 03/30/17 12:02:32PM @pj:

Well, for instance my answer to Randy's question "Do you have a friend that you may not communicate often with but still remain close to no matter how much time has passed" and my answer was "no".

What does my answer reveal about me......It could mean that I have trouble forming relationships and/or keeping them.  It could mean that I don't see the value or it could mean that I was betrayed or hurt and so I don't open myself up to being hurt again.  

The truth of the matter is I'm too lazy, I'm too busy with my career, and I was betrayed.  I do have one friend that I hike and travel with.  It works for me because she was also a mentor and she understands that I need time to regroup after being around people.  It emotionally drains me, if that makes sense.  Communicating on line is much more easier for me.  hahahahaha  I'm complicated!  

I thought I had a bestie here on NT but he dumped me.  :0(

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Uptownchick
link 03/30/17 12:15:10PM @uptownchick:

Thanks PJ...see that didn't hurt too much did it?  I understand how hard it can be to form new friendships.  I'm trying very hard now to get over the betrayals I've experienced in my life.  Some are harder, almost impossible to get over, especially when it comes from family as many of mine have.  I agree...communicating online can be easier at first but "real life" friendships can be formed from those...it just takes work, like any relationship.

Oh and the complicated part...lol, I find myself very complicated!  I like to think of it as part of my "charm"! peace

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Nona62
link 05/26/17 08:19:18PM @nona62:

Aside form Mr.Nona, I have only about 3  people that I consider friends, because they ARE what friends are supposed to be, and I know they are true friends. I don't need (or want ) a lot of people in my life, it just  gets too complicated for me.   My oldest daughter has always  had a LOT of friends her whole life, and still does.   Some people may think I'm a snob or stuck up, but I'm not......  I will help anyone if I possibly can. I'm just a kind of "Loner" I guess you might say.

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Hal A. Lujah
link 05/26/17 11:20:06PM @hal-a-lujah:

I found out who my friends were when I moved away.  Once I wasn't convenient, I no longer existed to them.  However, knowing that they're still living a shitty existence in a shit town, while my existence has skyrocketed, makes it all better.  Fuck them.

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Perrie Halpern R.A.
link 05/26/17 11:34:07PM @perrie-halpern:

Hal,

Don't you have any friends that you are still in touch with? It sounds to me the friends you are talking about disappointed you greatly and I get that. Maybe jealousy played into it?

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