Disability Claim Time
I have been on Social Security Disability for about seven years now and I am coming up on my review time to see if I should stay on it or if I am ready to get off from it and go back to work. If I am declared ready to go back to work then I will be denied benefits until I am 64 1/2 years and then I will officially retire. If I am allowed to stay on disability then I will stay on until the same age with no further review until I am then placed on regular Social Security at that age with the same amount that I am collecting now. I am collecting Medicare now and will continue to pay for it at the rate of $118 a month like I always do. Remember that I am not collecting Social Security Supplemental Security Income, but Social Security that I have paid into for more then 30 years.
Now the reason I have claimed disability is that I am suicidal. That is easy to say. Many people say that if you are, why haven't you done it. Well it's a lot more complected then that. I have made a serious effort with a 30 day supply of Ambien and a 30 day supply of Soma, about 6 years ago washed down with a 5th of scotch. For some odd reason I ended up in a coma for 2 days at UCLA (I stopped breathing and my heart stopped working) and then another 3 days in ICU and 10 days in a locked ward at the Judith Resnick Nero-Psychiatric locked unit also at UCLA. Actually a very nice place with great TV.
Anyway since then I have been through a lot of psychiatric and psychological care from one degree or another successful and sometimes not. I have hospitalized twice because I have been suicidal twice since then and maybe headed back there again in the very near future or I may just buy a rope from Home Depot or step in front of one of the convenient freight trains that take a mile or more to stop that go by less then a mile from my home a few times a day. It would be messy and painful for a moment, but very, very easy and tempting.
So, why do I want to do it. I get asked that by every shrink that hears I want to kill myself and the answer is always the same. For some odd reason and no matter how hard I have tried and no matter how many years have gone by I have never seemed to get past being fucked in the asshole when I was seven several times by a grown man. I mean I suppose I should have by now, but the truth is that I kept it buried so deep inside of myself that I couldn't even face it until several years ago. It is not a recalled memory or flashback I have always remembered it. It has always been ugly, painful, humiliating and terrible. The first time it hurt a lot, but after that I didn't feel it because I found I could do what I called then get deep inside of myself so it was not happening to me. I didn't feel a thing. I used the same thing when he would beat me with a classroom pointer. You remember those. The long dowel with rubber tip. He always did it through our clothes, my sisters and me (funny I could never figure out why he never fucked them?) but as hard as he hit me I never cried. My sisters did, but never me. I was inside of myself. Deep, deep down inside of myself.
So in a few weeks I will be evaluated as to if I am stable enough to work and maybe I am. I used to be, I know that. I also know that for some reason Jerry has become a part of my life again and I need help getting rid of him. I feel him on top of me at night sometimes. I know he used some sort of lubricant and held me by my shoulders. I forgot him for years, but you can't keep it down all of your life. I know he is dead, but I can still smell what his body smelled on top of me and what it felt like inside of me and hear his grunting and groaning and it was gone for so long for 40 years and I want it gone again and I can't make him go away without help and that's all I am asking for is just someone to kill him again. I am going to be 61 in a few weeks and god damn it this should have been gone a long time ago! I am not asking a lot!
I do not think I am ready!
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I am not looking for sympathy, but I am not ready to go back to work. When I have bad days, they are really bad and I can't get out of bed with the memories and there is no medication that touches the memories.
Dear Friend Randy: May I assume you have legal representation for your OHA (Office of Hearings and Appeals) case review?
An attorney who specializes is SSDI (Social Security Disability Income) cases, and has a good local track record in this field will know how to present your medical records.
Their burden of proof is to meet the Federal standard for SSDI that you are too disabled to do any work of any kind.
Federal Administrative Law Judges see the same attorneys for such specialized cases all the time.
They ride circuit in epicenter and satellite smaller and district city courts.
Getting a lawyer who has credibility based on past case performance and case merit will help you.
Part of this system is that an attorney cannot be paid unless he or she wins your case. That motivates lawyers not to take bogus cases.
You paid into the system for three decades.
That and your age (proximity to SSA (Social Security) retirement income count in your favor.
Please use internet search engines if you do not have legal representation.
If you need help, let me know.
I hope the system works for you.
Peace. Abundant Blessings and Success in Your Quest.
Enoch.
My Psychiatrist and Psychologist both assure me that I will get through the reevaluation just fine, but with all of the the about changes in health care I really am worried. I mean there is a lot of talk about people getting thrown off of disability, even Social Security Disability, who never thought they would.
I know I should be more worried about my step-daughter Lisa who is on Medicaid and is 45, but with the mental age of about 10 years old. She is in a semi-independent apartment with a roommate instead of an institution and I hope she can stay there, but Medicaid makes it possible. She has been in a semi-independently living situation for more then a decade now and the idea of her have to go back to an institution would be horrible. She could live with us, but we would need a lot a therapist support for her and that would not be available.
I hoe all goes well for you and yours.
We can accurately assess our worth as a society by how well or poorly we do for those most in need.
Enoch.
Best of luck at the evaluation. Hopefully it will be determined that you've made enough of a recovery to return to the workforce. Work is one of the best therapies for treating depression and helps the patient develop a sense of self worth. Too much down time can prolong the recovery.
NO. Your are wrong. In cases like mine, outside of psychiatrists and psychologists and medications, this is by an infinite amount the very best therapy for my. I used to scoff at the idea of a therapy dog, but the truth is that there is nothing like the healing properties of the unconditional love of an animal that science can ever put into a pill form. There are times when holding and hugging Molly and her wanting to sleep in my arms or snuggle by my side at night means more to me then can be expressed into words. When I wake up scared in the dark after a nightmare and she is there softly snoring at my side and if I need her to come close and I can reach for her and she does and licks my face and again that unconditional love comes to me, there is nothing that can replace that. Why should I reach for a Valium to help me calm down and sleep again, when I have her?
Randy, you will be in my prayers. Forever and a day!
Randy, you are in my thoughts often. How I admire your strength ----just for being able to get up and out of bed most days. I admire your strength to share your illness and your thoughts with us! So proud of you! Hang in there, and know there are friends (here) on your side and pulling for you.