A BOROWITZ REPORT THREESOME
By: Andy Borowitz (The New Yorker)
Andy accomplishes the impossible!
He imagines even greater absurdity than what is actually happening.
That's not easy!
S E E D E D C O N T E N T
Photograph by Jonathan Ernst / Reuters
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—QAnon leaders are increasingly concerned that Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene's obsession with Jewish space lasers is distracting her from her core mission of battling baby-eating cannibals.
In an emergency meeting of QAnon elders, the conspiracy theorists issued a communique warning Greene to "stay on point."
"We sent you to Washington as an anti-cannibal candidate for a reason," the communique read. "Your focus on Jewish space lasers, while totally valid, may impair your effectiveness in defeating the international baby-eating cabal."
Greene responded by saying that, while she was "capable of multitasking," she had received QAnon's message "loud and clear."
"The great thing about QAnon is we can always discuss things rationally, despite Bernie Sanders's attempts to control our minds with his Jewish magic mittens," she said.
Marjorie Taylor Greene Claims Video of Her Is Actually George Soros in Disguise
“Whenever I donate clothes to a consignment shop, Soros gets a ping on his phone and buys it all up,” she alleged. “Then he spends weeks practicing walking in my heels.”
Photo by Fabrice Coffrini / AFP / Getty
Additionally, she claimed, “George Soros has a Marjorie Taylor Greene latex mask, like they have in ‘Mission Impossible.’ If you put me and Soros side by side, you would not be able to tell us apart.”
Asked where Soros had obtained the technology to accomplish his astounding impersonation, she replied, “Hello? His best friend, Bill Gates?”
Greene also said that she was not surprised that the Hungarian-born billionaire had perfected an imitation of her voice. “He’s been coached by the best of the best: Oscar winner Meryl Streep,” she said.
Reacting to Greene’s comments, House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy told reporters, “I knew there had to be a reasonable explanation. Let’s move on.”
Republicans Say It Is Unconstitutional to Hold Officials Accountable Unless They Are Hillary
“I’ve consulted with the finest constitutional lawyers in the country,” Senator John Cornyn, of Texas, said. “Without exception, they determined that the enforcement measures that the Framers created, in 1787, were intended only to be used in cases of Hillary.”
Senator Josh Hawley, of Missouri, concurred. “To see legal guardrails that James Madison explicitly designed for Hillary Clinton used on someone who is demonstrably not Hillary Clinton is a disgrace,” he said.
Senator Lindsey Graham, of South Carolina, struck a more conciliatory note, suggesting that there were circumstances under which Senate Republicans might support an impeachment trial next month. “If a decision were made to put Hillary Clinton on trial, we would be on board with that,” he said.
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A bit of sanity in the midst of all our daily madness...
LOL, ya gotta love Andy.
A voice of reason in the midst of chaos.