The Upside Of Anger
Over the years I have seen many movies that inspired me. Made me think and even taught me a lesson or two. One such movie was Academy nominated, "The Descendents". I knew from the ads, that husband and dad Matt King's wife had cheated on him. What makes the movie remarkable is his personal journey of reconnecting with his daughters, coming to terms with his wifes terrible betrayal, and the grace that he exhibits in handling all the stuff that life throws at him. But while others cried around me, I sat there angry. How could he get past the reality that his wife was about to throw away their marriage to a peaceful resolution? During the car ride home with the hubby, as we discussedthe movieanother movie with a similar theme and an interesting counter point came to mind, "The Upside of Anger."
In "The Upside of Anger", we watch wife and mother Terry, go through three years of emotional turmoil when her husband of over 20 years doesn't come home. She deduces from bits and pieces that she sews together in her brain, that he has run off with his former secretary to Sweden. She searches for what she is sure is evidence that convicts her him of this transgression and invents details to fill in the blanks. She ferments over the betrayal in her mind, and not content to go it alone, she involves her three daughters through her emotional rollercoaster. She cascades through every negative emotion that you can imagine; hurt, fury, grief. And when her family tires of taking this trip with her, she views this as a betrayal by them and thus also deserving her wrath. You understand her anger, even if you don't agree with who gets her fall out. It is only at the resolution you realize that you have been just as duped as she was. The day that her husband disappeared, he had been surveying the property for a sale and had fallen down a forgotten well on their property, where he died cold and alone. Suddenly, Terry and the viewer are forced to see that there was no upside to her anger. That not only did she waste three years of her life consumed in useless anger, she spread it through her family like a disease. What she was left with was remorse and regret for the pain she suffered and put her family through for a figment of her own ruminations.
As the hubby and I talked about the differences between the two movies, I lost my own anger toward Matt King's wife. The truth is, there is no upside to anger, whether it's warranted or not. It is a self destructive emotion, usually based on what we perceive as facts. It provides no relief and builds into resentment and rage, as it's replayed over and over in the mind. It's far better to have Matt's grace. At least you know that you have nothing to regret at the end of the day.
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I know that we all get angry from time to time, but I think that most of the time, it is a wasted emotion. What thinks you?
Hi Perrie. IMO, angry is a secondary emotion - it's always in response to another unpleasant feeling. For example, someone embarrasses you and you get angry at them. Well, in reality, you were embarrassed first, and then angry. The sooner someone realizes that the anger is a secondary emotion and they deal with the primary emotion, then the sooner the anger goes away. As a secondary emotion, anger is protective - it prevents the person from feeling embarrassed, hurt, etc., etc.
In the end, I don't think it's wasted - but, it's often misunderstood. If one misunderstands their anger, they never can deal with the actual cause - and then, resentment can build.
Hi Summer!
I hope that school is going well for you.
An interesting observation, Summer. It usually does have a root cause. But most people never get to the root, and therefore anger simmers.
As a spouse, I guess I was angry for Matt, because as I know how I would feel if I found out that my Matt was cheating on me. It was only when I saw how he dealt with it, that I began to rethink my own response. I think that many times, anger is reactive, and not thought through. Maybe that is what is needed.
But really Randy... did stomping them into the ground really make what caused the anger to go away? Probably not.
School is going very well right now. I don't have an exam on Monday (which is unusual), so I have a little bit of free time this weekend. But, getting ramped up for board study (I'm taking Step 1 on June 22).
I hope all is going well for you and your family.
I agree with you that anger is reactive. Since it seems to be a secondary emotion, it seems to be that anger is a way to protect yourself from feeling hurt, betrayed, etc. At least with anger, you're projecting the emotion toward the other person, when you focus on how you truly feel, the emotion is projected toward yourself. Basically, anger is easier to feel than hurt from being betrayed. I also agree that anger isn't very well thought through - after all, if you think through your anger, then you realize that it's a secondary to some other feeling - which, entirely changes the way you handle the situation.
Brother in laws don't count.
In war anger can be used to motivate people . But it is a stupid emotion and can easily be used against the angry to their own detriment .
Good Luck with those exams. They bring you one step closer to your goal.
The girls start Hopkins in September..pre- med like you. It's one thing saying that going in...a whole different thing staying in the game, as I am sure you know!
This is very true, and it is also why so often people do things in anger, that they later regret. I have noticed that in myself. I often make the better call, when I have had some time to sleep on it, than to just react. And sometimes, we just have to come to terms that there is no way to fix a situation. That it is what it is. Acceptance is a huge part of dealing with anger, but it can be only done, when you have time to reflect.
I think in war it's fear that is the great motivator. You are not usually angry at a specific person, maybe the situation, and even then, it's not what gets you through the day. And as you pointed out it:
Very true Max! The funny thing is that the people with those character flaws, rarely see it, and so not only is it used against them, it only serves to make them more angry and lash out more.
We all have flaws in our character... it's coming to terms with them and trying to change that is the trick.
Good luck to your girls - I'm sure they will do wonderfully. Medicine is a very rewarding field - difficult to do, but so worth it. I can't wait to start rotations - my first will be in July.
Good point. Sometimes you can't fix the situation and you have to either learn to live with it, or a way to move on.
Wow rotations... that is the big time. It means your in the homestretch! That's amazing... and with kids, too. You should be very proud of your self. Please let us know how you are progressing.
Saying that stupidity is a character flaw is fundamentally incorrect . Character flaws can be worked on . Arrogance , for example , can be self-corrected . But stupidity cannot . In any case everyone is stupid in one ability or another .
You are correct Rich. I guess the better word would have been ignorance, which can be corrected if one cares to.
What are your thoughts on Anger?
As one who suffers from a nerve disease, they are neverpredictable. They can wax and wane. He probably played it up a bit for the sympathy, but he probably also has it.
But are you angry at him? If so, why?
Thank you. I will let you know how things go.
See my above comment :
I meant on a more personal level...
On a more personal level I have been known to get angry but never enough to strike some person or pet . But I do yell at inanimate objects when things are not going according to plan .
I know that you don't really mean that...
I am sure that anger even clouded your judgement in personal situations if you were honest about it. It does with most people.
Perrie, I ordered Upside of Anger for this weekend. Thanks for the recommend.
There are various facets of anger. Some are expressions of anger are healthy, healing. Most are not.It's late and I can't delve to deeply into this tonight but superficially ~
For some, anger is one letter short of "danger". They are walking volcanoes and everyone around them tiptoes to avoid sending that spark that makes the volcano explode.
I believe that unexpressed pain/angerleads to hatred, bitternessand eventually to violence and/or physical ailments. Children who have not been taught, or adults who have notlearned appropriate methods to deal with anger will most likely have to learn appropriate anger management the hard way.
Some people are innatelyprone toexpressing anger, while othershave an innate sense ofself-control. But one thing is for sure, everyone expresses anger about something or someone unless you are a robot or a marshmellow.
For others, expressing anger brings measureable relief.Not all anger is bad.
Yetothers, anger motivates them to right some of the wrongs in the world. That too is a good anger.
We have Feronia to thank for this sweet picture. Very wise advice.
I'll be back when I have a little more time.
Kori ,
Which one is doin' the thinking ?!
First, Great Pic. Fero gets some of thecutestpics.
OK so here we go:
OMG.. that is so cleaver... and true! And no one wants to be near danger.
I agree that's true. But you have to know when you are just expressing it, and when you become it. When you are consumed and lost within it. Then it's really bad.
Also true. But my friend Laury says it's better to even, than to get mad. And sometimes the best way to get even, is by not giving a transgression even a thought. Sometimes, people say and do stuff, just to get a rise out of us. I would never give such a person that satisfaction.
I would say that the at first it was anger... but than something changed as you worked through those feelings that makes you take a positive action. Still, anger was the motivator.
I look forward to your ideas on my thoughts... and you have to tell me what you think when you see the movie.
^ Rich, I think they're both thinking about the position they're in and how they got there - one of course feeling pretty high and mighty,the other feeling pretty squished.
The one on the bottom is probably hoping like crazy thathis buddydoesn't passgas any time soon!
^ Perrie, I'll be back.
Gas is only half the problem ...
What ever do you mean?
Think about it ...
Kidding!
So you have thought about it . And was I in those thoughts ??
Great article Perrie!
Mostly anger clouds judgement but canoccasionallybe useful. Anger can set off some fight-or-flight responses, similar to fear; at times that is useful. It is not easy to actually manage and direct though (at least for me), but for those who can, anger can be aformidabletool. Thing is, anger begets anger...no way 'round it.
I only think of you in a nice way.
^ Perrie, enjoyed THEUPSIDE OF ANGER. She (Joan Allen) was truly an embittered person whopushed away those closest to her, diminished her daughtersand sucked the life and joy out of everyone around her.Sad part is that her bitterness and angerwasrooted ina lie and hadsheknown the truth of her husband's death,the outcomeduringthose three anger-filled years would have been different. Once the anger was resolved, the walls came downand she let herself be vulnerable to her family and embrace them.The video that the youngestdaughter was working on was great! I think I could watch the movie again.
How many times have we justified angerand judgmentbased on a lie, onfalse assumptions, onunfounded or malicious gossip,or misunderstood intentions, etc. We should never jump to rash conclusions without confronting anissue and digging for the facts.
Perrie wrote: I agree that's true. But you have to know when you are just expressing it, and when you become it. When you are consumed and lost within it. Then it's really bad.
Yes, that is correct.Anger is an emotional response and sometimes our emotions take over fromintellect and reasoning. As I'm sure you're aware,one purpose for anger management isto learn how to recognize when we'regetting close to "danger" and take evasive action so we do not hurt others, especially those we love.
Perrie wrote: But my friend Laury says it's better to even, than to get mad. And sometimes the best way to get even, is by not giving a transgression even a thought.
I agree with that, with reservations because it depends on the situation and the people involved. Sometimes "getting even" only perpetuates the negativity of the circumstance and does nothing to resolve anything, or bring it through toa final conclusion. Sometimes "getting even" (again, it depends on variables) makes the circumstances worse. We must use wisdom andinsight to know which is the better path to take.
Perrie: Sometimes, people say and do stuff, just to get a rise out of us. I would never give such a person that satisfaction.
Blowing someone off, not giving them the satisfaction, iseasy to do with someone you are not closely associated with such as co-workers or friends that you see on occasion. Again,howbest to address situationsdepends on the situation and the people involved.
My dad was someone whothrived on pushing people's buttons and getting areaction out of them.It wasn't a fun, friendly poking - it was mean-spirited, hurtful.Outwardly I never showed him that his actions hurtme, but inwardlyIwould go into a tailspin.By the time I left after a visit, I was a basketcase. In thiscase, ignorning him did no good. Now, looking back, the best way to defuse himand empower me would have been tocalmly redirect hisactions towarda dialog that forced us toconfront the situation, what he was doingandit's negative impact on me (and my siblings). In the long run that would have had a far better outcomebecauseit would haveempowered me toconfront a situation and put an end to it,as well as let himknow that Iexpected better fromhim and expected him totreat me with a modicum of respect.
Kori wrote: anger motivates them to right some of the wrongs in the world. That too is a good anger.
Perrie wrote: I would say that the at first it was anger... but than something changed as you worked through those feelings that makes you take a positive action. Still, anger was the motivator.
Anger is usually a temporary emotion, not always a bad or negative emotion, and can be motivating emotion. I agree that as things change,the anger will change too, usually dissipate, but if the outcome has positive results then it was worth embracing the emotion and takingaction.
We never want to camp out in an angry place. It's always better to acknowledge it,acknowledge the situation causing it, examine it, and work it through to hopefully a positiveend. Sometimes a positive end is simply a better understanding of something or someone, sometimes it's an end to something or someone.
That's all you're getting at this late hour. Off to bed.:-)
Kori,
I'm glad that you liked the "The Upside of Anger". You now have to go to the movies and see "TheDecedents". Talk about a compare and contrast. I hope that knowing the ending didn't take away from the movie, because I felt, it was her emotional trip that was the interesting aspect of this film.
So True! But even when confronted with the "facts" some of us are so emotionally invested in these negative feelings. Very sad.
I guess Ishould have been clearer about that. Sometimes getting even, is doing well. Not letting the other person know that they have hurt you. To rise above the fray. I've often told that to my daughters when dealing with nasty peers.
Kori, but that isn't anger. That is a plan. And I agree, that in this case, that probably would have been the best for you. For your dad, (and only you would know this) sometimes, you have to be open enough to realize when you have transgressed. It might have empowered you, but it also could have led to an altercation that you could have lived without. I know. I speak from experience.
Very Wise!
Larry,
I apologize for not seeing.
Anger can be good. But I also find that anger tends to feed off of itself; as you said:"anger begets anger." The trick is having selfrealization, which I think is something that very few of us have. Most folks don't ever want to question what they are comfortable with. That has been a theme of many of Mal's articles. That is actually how I met him. He wrote this wonderful article called something like, "Questions from a thoughtful Christian to anAtheist". It was wonderful! I think I'm going to ask him to republish it here. Talking about challenging your beliefs!