My NEW avatar-- An attempt at humor
Saturday afternoon, while playing a computer game, I saw a HUGE flash in my right eye, and gradually lost all sight in the eye. I stood in the mirror, smiling, (to make sure it was even), turning my tongue every which way, doing all the stroke tests, and passed them all. So, I made my husband take me to the emergency room, because something wasn't right.
It was a holiday. You can get nothing done on a holiday. Just like when I had the heart attack on Dec. 23, 2001, it was hurry up to wait. The time window to fix it, passed while we sat in the ER. AND, in the entire city, there was no retina specialist on call. NONE.
At any rate, I've been to see doctor after doctor, and visited the Lion's Eye Research Institute, and the verdict is in: my retina in the right eye is dead, and I will never have any vision in that eye.
Boy, that's an absolute stunner.
They tell me that I can drive, that people with one eye drive all the time. They said nothing about special licenses, or special things I can't do-- but I'm really terrified to try it. The eye looks perfectly normal, thankfully. I was afraid I'd have a garbanzo bean eye-- but no, it tracks with the other eye and doesn't wander and has no discoloration. It is a bit swollen from having all those procedures done to it, but it looks normal, and looking at me, you can't tell anything is wrong. Thank God.
At any rate, there was a 1 in 10,000 chance this would happen, and from what I gather, the other alternative was to have stroke. So, I've been undergoing a whole battery of tests to see if it was a piece of plaque that broke off in my carotid artery, or a glob of something wonderful that broke off from the bad mitral valve in my heart. Definitely unpleasant. Fortunately, no lights were run up from my big toe to the mitral valve... This is something they are good at-- they would want to fix the engine of your car through the tail pipe. You can, no doubt, tell that I'm not that fond of the medical community, as a whole. I view them as a necessary evil.
As they say in The Right Stuff , it can blow at any minute.
I can't wake up every day, wondering if THIS is going to be my last day on earth-- that's just no way to live. So, I am trying to adjust to this "new" life. We've had a heavy snow, and I'm going to try to drive the two blocks down to the parking lot that is handy, and plowed, and see how I do. Maybe I can do this, in daylight, and with care.
This is my Neve, who also has a bad heart murmur. Most eye patch avatars appear to be evil, and I'm not that kind of person. Neve is one of our cutest, sweetest girls!
Thanks for coming by, and thanks for any word of encouragement you have. I really need encouraging words right now, as I'm pretty blue about it.
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Any words of encouragement are welcome-- please, for my heart's sake, keep the snark to a minimum. I'm trying to keep my spirits up...
Absolutely adore your new avatar...you are one freakin' awesome woman! I admired your attitude as you begin to deal with this season of life. You go girl
Oh Lynne, I'm trying to be good... Thank you! I think we can get used to just about anything... It just takes some time!
Dowser - How incredibly positive you are. I’m sorry to hear that you’ve had this unexpected loss. I do love the new Avatar. I actually noticed it earlier and was going to send you a note. I definitely think you should get an eye patch for no other reason than to look cool! The awkwardness of adjusting to new limitations will pass and you’ll be a master of your universe once again. I like your idea to practice driving. I’m sure you’ll find out that you can handle it just fine with some small modifications and you’ll soon find your comfort zone. Sending you positive thoughts and prayers - stay brave! Your new #1 fan. :0)
Dearest Pj, thank you so very much! An eye patch could be really cool... I may need one as there is some sort of Early Star Trek gobbledygoo going on in that eye-- sort of like the transporter, and it is distracting. Would it be better not to have any light at all in that eye? It might.
It is really hard to be grateful to be blind in one eye, but I guess it could have been so much worse! I keep thinking that they replaced my Grandma's carotid artery with a teflon tube in 1963, and she kept on plugging for 13 years... Surely I've got a little more time left!
I just can't think about the alternative. I've told my husband and my son how much I love them, and how happy they have made me, and the rest is in God's hands. All I can do is just not worry about it. Sometime, soon, I'll learn how to use a fork again. Right now, I'm a danger to plates...
Thank you, for your loving support!
PS-- the nearest parking lot is at the funeral home. If I really screw up, at least I'll be handy!
What can anyone say … other than to offer any support and friendship you might deem helpful.
I so offer.
Dearest A. Mac-- Maybe this happening to me, this won't happen to you! You may have to help me explore how to take pictures left-eyed...
Love you very much! And thank you for your kind offer!
When I started to read this I thought it was one of your humorous stories, you're such a good writer. I'm so sorry it's not and that this happened to you. I'm hoping for a miracle for you.
Love you, Dowser,
Pat
Dear Pat, thank you so much! I love you!
Miracles happen every day, and I guess I've got to look at this as my miracle-- this happened and it wasn't worse. 1 in 10,000 chance.
The retina is dead. There is a tiny spot, where I can hold out my hand and wiggle my fingers and see movement, but that's it. So, I'm wiggling my fingers all the time... What a hoot! At least I'm in the privacy of my own home.
I like Pj's idea of the eye patch. As a band mom, it may help the band kids to know not to sneak up on me... Ha!
Love you, dear friend!
Invictus
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
Wonderful poem, John, and thank you for posting it.
I haven't cried out loud yet, but I need a good cry. For women, it is a nice release. No, instead I ate an entire small bag of Goldfish, (Not you, BF)... I never eat an entire bag of anything at one sitting. Even a small one.
The medical profession delights in stripping one of any dignity, which is why I have little desire to turn my life over to them. So, I'm not going to. I may die because of it, but we all gotta die sometime, and I want to die as me, not someone else.
Please pray that I can.
Take care, dear friend, and thank you for the poem!
Something caused you to lose sight in your one eye Dowser, and you need to find out what it was before you say you want to shy away from medical treatment. For one thing, you want to maximize the possibility or probability you keep sight in the good eye.
Once you know the cause, the future course will become easier to decide.
I'm still awaiting the results of all the tests I had, AND I go on Monday for an echocardiagram. Fortunately, none of these things have been invasive. I think they're afraid to diddle with me too much, (a first), in case I die on the table. So, yes, I need to see what caused this, and figure out some course of action. I sure don't want to have a stroke...
And to lose the sight in the other eye would be utterly catastrophic. This was a 1 in 10,000 chance, John. I kind of like those odds...
I'm very sorry for your incident, Dowser... And very happy that it wasn't the alternative.
(That's a riff on the Ben Franklin quote, "Old age is a terrible thing... but consider the alternative...")
You know that you have everyone's best wishes.
Bob, thank you very much! It's Hell to get old. Sigh!
From what I'm gathering, it could have been a lot worse. So, I'm very fortunate, in many ways.
I appreciate the kindness of my friends, very much! Thank you!!!
Dowser,
You are taking all of this with total grace. You are an inspiration.
Let me first offer you some hope:
There is an expression, that says where there is life, there is hope. I think that is true. So don your kitty avatar, and maybe even a cool eye patch, and stay abreast with the research going on. You are a strong person and I know that you are always in my thoughts and that I am here for you whenever you need me.
I read about this yesterday! YAY!!! Maybe someday, it would work!
They can do so much more now, than they could, even 14 years ago, when I had my bypass. The technology is growing by leaps and bounds...
Thank you, dear Perrie! I love you!
Perrie,
At dinner tonight we were discussing this subject (for obvious reasons) and Barb mentioned the possibility of a retinal transplant. The stem cell part of the article make it even more intriguing, but the part that caught my eye regarding retinal transplants was the phrase, "this routine surgery". Even using the old style transplant, without the stem cells, transplants are very survivable, as Barb can testify. Five years ago, last month, she got a kidney, and is doing quite well, even with the use of anti rejection drugs.
That's definitely something that you'll want to check out Marsha. If the retina is dead, put in a new one.
So far, they need to perfect the surgery a bit, because what I'm reading, when it fails, it fails spectacularly-- meaning I might end up with a garbanzo bean eye... But, this is hope, for sure, when I had none! YAY!!!
Please give Barb my love, and keep a big bunch for yourself!
You're not the only one, kid. A few minutes ago, while I was telling Barb about the article, the thought occurred to me; if they can do a retina using stem cells, why not a kidney? Might take a bit longer; as my daughter says, a kidney is more complex than a retina. I'll bet that it won't be as much longer as she thinks, though. After that, we can say goodbye to those anti rejection drugs.
Hoping, hoping, hoping!
I know they must be nasty, with all kinds of side effects!
I think there are many new and wonderful things ahead for all of us!
I know well how medical protocols can frustrate the patient. But that topic is for another day.
I knew a woman who when asked, 'How are you doing?' She would always reply, "As good as I can, for as long as I can." She nearly reached the century mark, ninety-nine. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
Well, I doubt I get that far, my by pass "runs out" in 6 years-- but I've been so lucky, and take my medicine faithfully!
They asked me if I took any recreational drugs. NO, but I'm starting to think it might be a good idea...
One, thank you for your support and love-- you are very dear to me!
Good luck with the test results Dowser . I've never heard of a sudden death for just a retina B4 . Maybe they will figure it out ...
I think they are so concerned because this was just a stroke that didn't get to my brain, and lodged in the retina. That's why I'm having all these tests. They're trying to figure out what caused it.
They told me I might have a brain tumor, (I don't), and THEN took my blood pressure, which immediately went through the roof. The medical profession needs to get a clue!
Thank you, dear Petey, for you kind and humorous post! That makes me feel much better!
Some doctors are very adept at raising blood pressure !
Practiced at it, in fact...
Thanks, Petey! Your concern shines through-- I really appreciate your kindness!
This getting older ain't what it's cracked up to be sometimes Dowser. I really hate to hear about you losing sight in your eye, but relieved to hear you're still available for your husband, son and us. I really don't know what to say other than keep the faith and know that this feeling of despair will fade by remembering "This Too Shall Pass".
Dear Six, what would I do without you? I'd be lost, for sure!
Thank you, for your kindness and you're right. This, too, shall pass, and I'll get comfortable, and less scared and more able to manage. It just takes a bit!