Phrases Smart People Refuse To Use In Conversation
Phrases Smart People Refuse To Use In Conversation
Published on January 9, 2017Featured in: What Inspires Me
Dr. Travis Bradberry
We’ve all said things that people interpreted much differently than we thought they would. These seemingly benign comments lead to the awful feeling that only comes when you’ve planted your foot firmly into your mouth.
Verbal slip-ups often occur because we say things without knowledge of the subtle implications they carry. Understanding these implications requires social awareness—the ability to pick up on the emotions and experiences of other people.
TalentSmart has tested the emotional intelligence (EQ) of more than a million people and discovered that social awareness is a skill in which many of us are lacking.
We lack social awareness because we’re so focused on what we’re going to say next—and how what other people are saying affects us—that we completely lose sight of other people.
This is a problem because people are complicated. You can’t hope to understand someone until you focus all of your attention in his or her direction.
The beauty of social awareness is that a few simple adjustments to what you say can vastly improve your relationships with other people.
To that end, there are some phrases that emotionally intelligent people are careful to avoid in casual conversation. The following are the worst offenders. You should avoid them at all costs.
“You look tired.” Tired people are incredibly unappealing—they have droopy eyes and messy hair, they have trouble concentrating, and they’re as grouchy as they come. Telling someone he looks tired implies all of the above and then some.
Instead say: “Is everything okay?” Most people ask if someone is tired because they’re intending to be helpful (they want to know if the other person is okay). Instead of assuming someone’s disposition, just ask. This way, he can open up and share. More importantly, he will see you as concerned instead of rude.
“You always…” or “You never…” No one always or never does anything. People don’t see themselves as one-dimensional, so you shouldn’t attempt to define them as such. These phrases make people defensive and closed off to your message, which is a really bad thing because you likely use these phrases when you have something important to discuss.
Instead say: Simply point out what the other person did that’s a problem for you. Stick to the facts. If the frequency of the behavior is an issue, you can always say, “It seems like you do this often.” or “You do this often enough for me to notice.”
“As I said before…” We all forget things from time to time. This phrase makes it sound as if you’re insulted at having to repeat yourself, which is hard on the recipient (someone who is genuinely interested in hearing your perspective). Getting insulted over having to repeat yourself suggests that either you’re insecure or you think you’re better than everyone else (or both!). Few people who use this phrase actually feel this way.
Instead say: When you say it again, see what you can do to convey the message in a clearer and more interesting manner. This way they'll remember what you said.
“Good luck.” This is a subtle one. It certainly isn’t the end of the world if you wish someone good luck, but you can do better because this phrase implies that they need luck to succeed.
Instead say: “I know you have what it takes.” This is better than wishing her luck because suggesting that she has the skills needed to succeed provides a huge boost of confidence. You’ll stand out from everyone else who simply wishes her luck.
“It’s up to you.” or “Whatever you want.” While you may be indifferent to the question, your opinion is important to the person asking (or else he wouldn’t have asked you in the first place).
Instead say: “I don’t have a strong opinion either way, but a couple things to consider are…” When you offer an opinion (even without choosing a side), it shows that you care about the person asking.
“Well at least I’ve never ___.” This phrase is an aggressive way to shift attention away from your mistake by pointing out an old, likely irrelevant mistake the other person made (and one you should have forgiven her for by now).
Instead say: “I’m sorry.” Owning up to your mistake is the best way to bring the discussion to a more rational, calm place so that you can work things out. Admitting guilt is an amazing way to prevent escalation.
“Wow, you’ve lost a ton of weight!” Once again, a well-meaning comment—in this case a compliment—creates the impression that you’re being critical. Telling someone that she has lost a lot of weight suggests that she used to look fat or unattractive.
Instead say: “You look fantastic.” This one is an easy fix. Instead of comparing how she looks now to how she used to look, just compliment her for looking great. It takes the past right out of the picture.
“You were too good for her anyway.” When someone severs ties with a relationship of any type, personal or professional, this comment implies he has bad taste and made a poor choice in the first place.
Instead say: “Her loss!” This provides the same enthusiastic support and optimism without any implied criticism.
“You look great for your age.” Using “for your” as a qualifier always comes across as condescending and rude. No one wants to be smart for an athlete or in good shape relative to other people who are also knocking on death’s door. People simply want to be smart and fit.
Instead say: “You look great.” This one is another easy fix. Genuine compliments don’t need qualifiers.
Bringing It All Together
In everyday conversation, it’s the little things that make all the difference. Try these suggestions out, and you’ll be amazed at the positive response you get.
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This article caught my attention because I'm trying to work on how to better communicate and I'm hoping that a certain someone will want to become a better communicator too. I'm going to try and post more of these kind of articles.
I'd recommend reading Dale Carnegie's How to win friends and influence people. It stood the test of time because it works.
Thanks Dean. I'll take a look but I'm not really looking for friends on this site..... just civil conversations.
Hi PJ,
Actually Dean is right. I read that book as part of a administration course and I have to say, that I did find it very enlightening. If anything, it teaches you how to get along with people you don't like through better communication. I still own the book!
Maybe the book can be suggested for the book club group and those interested can read it or perhaps read it again as a refresher.
Why would you want to ''get along'' with people you don't like? I like the attitude of ''fuck'em, feed them beans''.....
I'm just saying it may be a good topic for the book club. It would also help redirect or draw attention towards the book club group and maybe find a topic that many can agree on. I don't dislike member here (okay maybe a few - lol) but I'm realistic to know that those who don't like me aren't going to suddenly start liking me. Nothing I do is going to gain me a friend or change someone's mind about me on this site. That's what I mean by I'm not looking for friends here. If I have't connected with them yet then I never will but we can still try and have good discussions.
I have a couple wonderful suggestions for the book club too, but it seems like members aren't too interested in the book club. I quit listening to the radio on my commute a few years ago, and now I go through an audiobook every couple weeks. Most of them aren't noteworthy enough to rave about, but a few of them I would consider must reads, such as:
Here's my suggestion:
Interesting - I just read this article about Aslan's show on CNN called Believer.
http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/03/10/to-excitable-hindu-critics-reza-aslans-religion-show-on-cnn-is-dangerously-anti-immigrant-2/?utm_medium=email&utm_source=BRSS&utm_campaign=Nonreligious&utm_content=361
Sounds like he has a low self esteem and he's trying to show you he measures up to you or others he interacts with. Or it could also be a narcissistic thing. hahahaha
I'm pretty sure there's an ADHD element to it as well. The guy has more seniority there than almost everybody, which blows my mind. If I were in charge, he'd be shown the door immediately. If I'm on a job he worked on, I have to redo most of his work because it is so hopelessly sloppy and inaccurate. He also spends a good part of every day making phone calls having nothing to do with his job, and fucking around on Facebook.
Is this the same dude that is writing a book or painting or something? I can't recall exactly but I thought you mentioned someone at work who was trying to do something on the side.
Lol, yes. He fancies himself not just an artist, but a fine artist. Some of his work is meh, but most of what I've seen looks like something a fourth grader made with seashells, sand and glue.
One of the worst is "you look great for your age". It's an insult wrapped in a compliment.