A Trip To The Opera - Kavika Down Under In The Land Of Oz
We were living in Australia at the time and my wife was an opera fan. Me, not so much, well actually not at all...Really I hated it.
I had been on a business trip to S.E. Asia and had just returned home. We were living in an area of Sydney named Elizabeth Bay, or as we knew it, E Z Bay. I was a bit tired and was looking forward to sitting on the patio and watching the boats sail by with a drink in hand. We lived on the 4th floor of an apartment building and our unit was the whole 4th floor. The patio was huge and covered the whole front of the building. I could sit there and see every boat that came in and out of Sydney Harbour. The wild parrots would sit on the rail and wait for some food. You can see that I was ready for a couple of hours of this. Just as I settled in the Redhead tells me we are going to the Sydney Opera House to see an opera, some German name. Oh no Red, I'm tired, stressed out and need some rest. I did not want to go watch the ''Fat Lady'' sing.
Needless to say we ended up going to the opera. Black Tie and all. I do have to say that I was ''lookin good'' A new tux with a red bow tie and cummerbund. The only thing missing was a top hat and cane. On the way to our seats we stopped and had a glass of wine, this was not a good idea. First off I don't drink, second I was dead tired. Third, well I'll tell you the story.
We were escorted to our seats by a beautiful young lady, this was a good sign. Settling in, let me tell you, the Aussies do a lot of thing right, but making comfortable seats is not one of them. Once settled in, the people around us were chatting. I'm not a chatter and being tired didn't add to my chattyness. Of course the Redhead was all a twitter and talking to everyone.
Soon the lights went down, and the band started. I know it's not a band, it's an orchestra, but I'm a band kind of guy and I'm writing the story so band it will be. Within seconds the stage was covered with some really strange looking people in helmets, hair in braids, spears. All of which I thought was pretty cool. Then the singing started. Oh my, my ears went into revolt, it was horrible. Suffering though this for some time my thoughts began to wander, the wine was taking effect and I was getting pretty mellow. Propping my elbow on the arm support I was suddenly hit the the dreaded ''JET LAG'' effect.
The woman sitting next to me was in her early to mid 40's, and rather well built. As my head leaned against my hand, it struck...JET LAG and I was asleep in a second. The next thing that I knew my elbow had slipped off the arm rest and I went head first into the biggest boobs in Australia. The Redhead was mortified, I was well, comfortable with the pillows that I landed on, the woman was terrified and let out a scream that could be heard throughout the opera house.
Struggling to remove my head from her boobs I made the awful discovery that my head was stuck to her boobs. By now most people in the Opera House were looking at us. What in the hell, why is my head stuck to her boobs...Then the real terror stuck me. My hair, which I wore in a pony tail, was stuck in a broach that she was wearing. The more I tried to pull away only managed to pull her boobs towards me. I was being attacked by the biggest boobs in Australia. Red was beside herself, the woman was hysterical and the audience was really beginning to think that this could turn into an international incident. Of course the ''Fat Lady'' kept singing and the band played on.
Knowing that my life was hanging in the balance, I put my hands on the women's shoulders, held them firm and jerked my head back. I felt like my hair was being ripped out by the roots when a broach went flying by my head and struck the elderly gentlemen sitting in front of us in the back of the head. Red was screaming at me, ''What are you doing'', I have to admit it looked bad, my hands on her shoulders, her dress ripped and one boob dangerously close to jumping out, the old guy in front of us claiming that I had attacked him.
I had to do something quickly. Pulling myself to my feet and looking at the woman with a stunned look on my face, I said in a very loud voice, ''Well I never expected to be attacked at the Opera, please ma'dam keep your hands to yourself.'' Grabbing the Redhead, who by now was on the verge of a a complete breakdown, by the arm I marched, head held high to the exit and left the building. (Elvis would have been proud of me)
I later found out that the broach was worth about $10,000 and the woman was the wife of the deputy under-secretary of something or other at the U.S. Embassy.
Needless to say my wife never asked me to go to the opera again.
I became a bit of a hero to the boys at the local watering hole, The Woolloomooloo Inn.
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For Nona.
Another great story I well remember when you posted it some time ago in your group. Next to your fascinating "Stone Hand" stories, these great stories are pure enjoyable entertainment. Imagine that....on NT to boot! (grin)
Thanks RW....I'll be posting Stone Hand stories as well.
Thanks, Kavika.....really looking forward to them.
aawwww Thanks Prez!!
This is exactly why I don't go to the opera.
''This is exactly why I don't go to the opera.''
I understand completely Hal, boob attacks are rare, but not unheard of at the opera.
And of all the oprahs to go to.. you went to see Wagner... blech.
Not willingly.
I love this story and laugh out loud, every time I read it! GREAT story!
I'm really sort of relieved that you're not a fan of opera, either... I used to live next door to an aspiring opera star, and boy, she could sing well, but life was punctuated by very loud squeals and aria-like screams, as I tried to clean the house...
LOL, ear plugs work Dowser.
OMG !! I will NEVER get tired of this story. I always visualize the predicament you were in ,and laugh so hard tears run down my face! You are one GREAT story teller.....Thanks!!
Thanks Nona, this one was for you.
Aawww thank you Chief!
My pleasure Nona.
Great story Kavika!
Well I sleep on two pillows, so I understand why you would get comfortable. Of course, your pillows didn't feel the same way.
It really wasn't your fault. Going to see Wagner is a painful experience and would put me to sleep. It was those damn inviting pillows and the oprah's fault!!
Ah, you get it and your right again.
Great read........dreaming of mountain tops........
Ha, mountain tops...Interesting description Spike...