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Atheist Jokes!!!

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Category: Religion & Ethics

Via: krishna • 7 years ago • 19 comments

Q: Why can't atheists solve exponential equations? A: Because they don't believe in higher powers.

Q: Did you hear about the the evangelical atheist? A: She went door to door with a book full of blank pages.

Q: What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do? A: Stays awake all night wondering if there really is a Dog.

Fly in My Soup:

Atheist: What's this fly doing in my soup?

Waiter: Praying.

Atheist: Very funny. I can't eat this. Take it back.

Waiter: You see? The fly's prayers were answered.

Orangutan

One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books - the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species. Surprised, he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books?" "Well," said the orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

(There are lots more HERE)

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Professor Expert

1 seeder Krishna 7 years ago

Religious Shit

Taoism Shit happens.

Buddhism If shit happens, it's not really shit.

Islam If shit happens, it's the will of Allah.

Protestantism Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.

Judaism Why does this shit always happen to us?

Hinduism This shit happened before.

Catholicism Shit happens because you're bad.

Hare Krishna Shit happens rama rama.

T.V. Evangelism Send more shit.

Atheism No shit.

Jehova's Witness Knock knock, shit happens.

Hedonism There's nothing like a good shit happening.

Christian Science Shit happens in your mind.

Agnosticism Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.

Rastafarianism Let's smoke this shit.

Existentialism What is shit anyway?

Stoicism This shit doesn't bother me.

Professor Quiet

1.1 Dismayed Patriot replied to Krishna @1 7 years ago

You forgot:

Scientologist, just don't shit on Tom Cruise regardless of how short he is...

Professor Expert

1.1.1 seeder Krishna replied to Dismayed Patriot @1.1 7 years ago

Did you see that video he made?

Professor Expert

1.1.2 seeder Krishna replied to Krishna @1.1.1 7 years ago

This is a "must see" video. It starts off slow-- nothing unusual. But as it progresses he gets weirder and weirder!

Professor Guide

1.1.3 Bob Nelson replied to Krishna @1.1.2 7 years ago

Wow...

Professor Expert

1.1.4 seeder Krishna replied to Bob Nelson @1.1.3 7 years ago

Wow...

That was my reaction as well.

Sophomore Quiet

2 lennylynx 7 years ago

Q: How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: All of them, one to change the bulb, and the rest to hold back the theists who wish to remain in the dark! Happy

Professor Guide

3 Bob Nelson 7 years ago

Professor Expert

3.1 seeder Krishna replied to Bob Nelson @3 7 years ago

:-)

Professor Expert

5 seeder Krishna 7 years ago

I don't believe in Dogs-- they don't exist! (Try to prove the existence of dogs-- I dare you! You can't. Why-- because they are a hoax! A silly superstition!)

Junior Quiet

6 Spikegary 7 years ago

An atheist was walking through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him,reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!" Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

Professor Expert

6.1 seeder Krishna replied to Spikegary @6 7 years ago

"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

Now that one was really funny! Laugh

Junior Quiet

7 Spikegary 7 years ago

What's the biggest problem for an atheist? They've got no-one to talk to during orgasm.

Junior Quiet

8 Spikegary 7 years ago

A young girl comes home from a date looking rather sad. Her mother asks her what's wrong. She says, "Bill proposed to me an hour ago." Her mother asks, "Why are you so sad then?" The girl replies, "Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell." Her mother says, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

Junior Quiet

9 Spikegary 7 years ago

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Junior Quiet

10 Spikegary 7 years ago

An atheist was rowing on Loch Ness in Scotland one day, when suddenly the Loch Ness monster attacked and grabbed him from his boat. He panicked and shouted "God help me!", and suddenly, the monster and everything around him just froze. A voice from the heavens boomed "You say you don't believe in me, but now you're asking for my help?" The atheist looked up and said, "Well, ten seconds ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness Monster either."

Junior Quiet

11 Spikegary 7 years ago

I hate being a depressed atheist. Nothing to live for, nothing to die for.

Professor Expert