I AM I SAID

  

Category:  Mental Health and Wellness

By:  magnoliaave  •  3 years ago  •  52 comments

I AM I SAID

but no one heard....not even the chair!

A great Neil Diamond song, but I never listen to it that I don't think about the millions of people who have no one.

I don't care who you are or how much money you have to be alone is horrible. Can you imagine if there was no one who cared if you died or lived?

I think about the homeless.  I think about the children who are abused with no one to speak for them. I think about the woman who are sex trafficked with no one to speak for them.  I think about the disabled who have no one to speak for them.  I think about  the elderly who have no one to speak for them.  And, I think about my brother.

He was the youngest.  Handsome, smart, but always liked to live on the wild side. He was sick for a number of years beginning with cancer, but he worked.  Last year, He died.  He lived about 45 minutes from me and everyday, I would go see him.....sit, bring'em food or whatever.  His family was no where around helping out.  His wife died the year before.  I would call his grandson, granddaughter, son to no avail.

He told me one evening on the phone that when he died to let them all know that they broke his heart.  I said I would, but when it came time for me to give the eulogy, I couldn't. I told them what they wanted to hear....how wonderful they were.

In the end, what does it all matter?  It matters a lot to have someone hold your hand and be told, I love you.  I don't want to die alone....my life didn't begin with just me and I don't want to end it with just me. 


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magnoliaave
Sophomore Participates
1  author  magnoliaave    3 years ago

What are your thoughts

 
 
 
GregTx
Sophomore Participates
1.1  GregTx  replied to  magnoliaave @1    3 years ago

Thank God for the love of a sister.

 
 
 
magnoliaave
Sophomore Participates
1.1.1  author  magnoliaave  replied to  GregTx @1.1    3 years ago

Absolutely!  Sisters are sweetly wrapped gifts that our mothers give us. My precious sister died a few years ago, but she is with me everyday.  My Mother once said to me......your sister can do no wrong!  I said, yes mam, that's right.  Mother just smiled.

 
 
 
Ronin2
PhD Quiet
1.2  Ronin2  replied to  magnoliaave @1    3 years ago

You are a far better human being than I am.  First I would have chewed them out in private; then I would have omitted them entirely from the eulogy.

 
 
 
magnoliaave
Sophomore Participates
1.2.1  author  magnoliaave  replied to  Ronin2 @1.2    3 years ago

In private, I did.  At the funeral when I told them how much he loved them and thanked them for their care they looked down.  They knew. 

 
 
 
lennylynx
Sophomore Participates
2  lennylynx    3 years ago

The old Neil Diamond stuff is great.  I liked 'Cracklin' Rosie' myself, where Neil compares a woman to a bottle of wine.  Happy

 
 
 
magnoliaave
Sophomore Participates
2.1  author  magnoliaave  replied to  lennylynx @2    3 years ago

I love it, also.  "like a guitar humming"

 
 
 
pat wilson
Professor Guide
3  pat wilson    3 years ago

I don't want to die alone

Hospice is a great option. Hopefully your sons will be there.

 
 
 
Kathleen
Professor Principal
3.1  Kathleen  replied to  pat wilson @3    3 years ago

It really is, My mom was treated like a queen, she was bed ridden, and my sister and I were there with her.  We even slept over night a lot of the time. It's a very nice place to be when you are near death. My sister was home with hospice care, My brother in law and I took care of her while they came in and checked a couple times a week.  We rented a hospital bed and had it in the living room by the fireplace, she did not want to be in the bedroom away from everyone.  

 
 
 
magnoliaave
Sophomore Participates
3.1.1  author  magnoliaave  replied to  Kathleen @3.1    3 years ago

Hi....It is tough to lose those you love.  Being with your Mother and sister was so special to everyone.

 
 
 
Kathleen
Professor Principal
3.1.2  Kathleen  replied to  magnoliaave @3.1.1    3 years ago

No one wants to be alone when it's time, some may not even be aware of their surroundings which makes it easier. I think my mom was pretty much out of it the last few days. My sister was aware up until she took her last breath. She even glanced at me with " This is it".  Very hard indeed.

Good Morning.

 
 
 
Larry Hampton
Professor Guide
4  Larry Hampton    3 years ago

Humans are meant to be together. One of the worst things that can happen to anyone is to be ostracized, or alone for whatever reason. 

 
 
 
magnoliaave
Sophomore Participates
4.1  author  magnoliaave  replied to  Larry Hampton @4    3 years ago

It is so sad and I see it every day.  The eyes are blank where once there was light.

 
 
 
JBB
Professor Principal
5  JBB    3 years ago

The worst aspect of outliving most of our friends and family is inevitable loneliness.

"If you can't be with the ones you love. Love the ones you're with" - Steven Stills...

 
 
 
magnoliaave
Sophomore Participates
5.1  author  magnoliaave  replied to  JBB @5    3 years ago

BTW......how is your Mom doing? 

 
 
 
JBB
Professor Principal
5.1.1  JBB  replied to  magnoliaave @5.1    3 years ago

"How is your mom?" She just had her third knee replacement and is doing excellent, "All things considered".

Her best running buddy has just hooked up with an old boyfriend. She should sue for alienation of affection.

I suppose we all need to keep making new friends as long as we can which means keeping our minds open...

 
 
 
magnoliaave
Sophomore Participates
5.1.2  author  magnoliaave  replied to  JBB @5.1.1    3 years ago

Third knee replacement....wow.  That has slowed down her running.

Guess it is time for her to get a boyfriend.

 
 
 
JBB
Professor Principal
5.1.3  JBB  replied to  magnoliaave @5.1.2    3 years ago
Third knee replacement....wow.  That has slowed down her running.

One of her originals blew up but it was an easier fix than the original replacement. PS - A rich one!

I was disappointed when Boone Pickens remarried without even giving my ancient mom a chance...

Mama says, "The men who are looking for women my age are just looking for a purse and a nurse". 

 
 
 
magnoliaave
Sophomore Participates
5.1.4  author  magnoliaave  replied to  JBB @5.1.3    3 years ago

And, your Mama is right!

 
 
 
Kathleen
Professor Principal
5.2  Kathleen  replied to  JBB @5    3 years ago

I like that song.

 
 
 
lennylynx
Sophomore Participates
5.2.1  lennylynx  replied to  Kathleen @5.2    3 years ago

I listen to the old CSNY more than anything else; their music really stood the test of time for me.  Southern Cross and Suite Judy Blue Eyes are probably my favorites.

 
 
 
Kathleen
Professor Principal
5.2.2  Kathleen  replied to  lennylynx @5.2.1    3 years ago

I listen to them sometimes, and I have a peaceful feeling when I do.  Southern Cross I really like.

 
 
 
JBB
Professor Principal
5.2.3  JBB  replied to  lennylynx @5.2.1    3 years ago

I was just listening to my Neil Young Anthology. His voice was not always so, um, rustic...

 
 
 
JBB
Professor Principal
5.2.4  JBB  replied to  Kathleen @5.2.2    3 years ago

Most of my albums are from the 60s and 70s. I have worn out James Taylor's Greatest Hits three times.

I have Stills and Nash, Crosby Stills and Nash and Crosby Stills Nash and Young albums in my collection.

 
 
 
Hal A. Lujah
Professor Expert
5.3  Hal A. Lujah  replied to  JBB @5    3 years ago

The worst aspect of outliving most of our friends and family is inevitable loneliness.

I thought about that when I read the article about the 104 year old guy who just wants to stop living.  I totally get it.

When I moved to Maryland I had many good friends back home in Ohio.  At least I thought they were good friends at the time.  Most of them have never even bothered to call and not a single one has ever visited me here.  You really find out who your friends are once you become less convenient to hang out with.  It’s pretty much like they are all dead to me now, and I learned to live with loneliness overnight.  Now I kind of treasure the days when I am alone.

 
 
 
magnoliaave
Sophomore Participates
5.3.1  author  magnoliaave  replied to  Hal A. Lujah @5.3    3 years ago

The 104 year old man.....I get it, also.

Most of my friends are dead, but I have dreams about them all of the time.  Choosing to be alone (some people are like that) but for those who can't handle being alone all of time it can be devastating.  You enjoyed your friends and not to be condescending, I wonder why you haven't tried to make new ones?

 
 
 
Hal A. Lujah
Professor Expert
5.3.2  Hal A. Lujah  replied to  magnoliaave @5.3.1    3 years ago

I do have some new friends, but it’s not like it happened over night.  In fact, it took a long time.  For years I lived over an hour away from where I worked, which makes having work friendships outside of work very difficult.  Honestly, I’m not a typical engineer anyways, and I find most of the ones I have worked with to be too uninteresting to be friends with.  Maybe that sounds conceited, but engineers are seriously boring people for the most part.

 
 
 
JBB
Professor Principal
5.3.3  JBB  replied to  Hal A. Lujah @5.3    3 years ago

When I lived in OKC nobody seemed to visit but once I moved to NYC my dance card filled up...

When someone complains I have not stayed in touch, I remind them phone lines go both ways.

Used to be social lives depended on returning obligations but now they're about writing checks.

If ya want to be invited to the Met Gala or the Black and White Party then donate appropriately.

Belonging to a church costs money. Belonging to the social set today means giving to causes...

It is a real joy to be invited to a party that is not a fundraiser of one kind of another these daze.

 
 
 
magnoliaave
Sophomore Participates
5.3.4  author  magnoliaave  replied to  Hal A. Lujah @5.3.2    3 years ago

Good friends who you left behind aren't easy to find.  It is a combination of sharing jokes, good times and bad ones.

My two treasures other than family are my gal friends who both I have known for over 50 years with one and 45 with the other.

 
 
 
Release The Kraken
PhD Principal
6  Release The Kraken    3 years ago

I befriended a man over the last twenty years that was 20 years my senior. He was a Vietnam vet and a biker and we worked together. When he got sick I realized I was his closest friend and we were family. He called me every holiday and we spent 6 days a week together for those 20 years. When he started hospice his wife called me and told me he was out of control. I showed up and he was screaming in pain, I forcefully pulled up his shirt and put that fentanyl patch on him. I showed up a few days later after the hospice worker called to take his pistol as his wife cried while he threatened to kill himself. 

I held his hand every day until he passed away, one of the toughest things i have done in my life. I wouldn't have it any other way because I loved this man.

 
 
 
magnoliaave
Sophomore Participates
6.1  author  magnoliaave  replied to  Release The Kraken @6    3 years ago

What a great story....you sure made a difference.  I wonder why there aren't more people like you?  That's all it takes.....hold someone's hand and care.  And, his wife!  She had you!

 
 
 
JBB
Professor Principal
6.2  JBB  replied to  Release The Kraken @6    3 years ago

I heard that story before in another place. Thanks for the reveal though. What became of your hammer?

 
 
 
magnoliaave
Sophomore Participates
7  author  magnoliaave    3 years ago

that does make for loneliness. 

 
 
 
charger 383
Professor Quiet
8  charger 383    3 years ago

Several years ago I came home and an old friend was on my porch, he said he wanted somewhere to die without being bothered and I was his last place.   I could not turn him away.  He was in bad shape and did not want hospice, just wanted somebody who would be kind and let things take their course.  I had to put an air conditioner in room for him and thought him just  holding it in place was going to finish him right then.   It was sad but I was proud to help him when he needed it. I tried to do some things with him.  He told me his last month with me was fun.    

 
 
 
magnoliaave
Sophomore Participates
8.1  author  magnoliaave  replied to  charger 383 @8    3 years ago

wow, Charger! You and BF are the essence of what it is all about.  Reaching out....touching hands!

 
 
 
Enoch
Masters Participates
9  Enoch    3 years ago

Dear Friend Magnoliaave: No one should die alone.

No one should have to just end their life.

Ideally, everyone should be able to culminate their life, crown their time in this level of existence.

Fulfill their days with the grace, style dignity and values that sustained and nurtured them.

To transit from this life in peace in the presence of someone who understands.

This is what we end of life Pastoral Care Chaplains provide.

Great article.

It speaks to a universal human need.

For anyone reading this discussion, if you and/or someone you know needs pastoral care, either directly or by referral contact me through site private note.

From there we can communicate in confidence, on your terms, respecting your beliefs, values and personhood. 

Peace and Abundant Blessings to One and All.

Enoch.

 
 
 
magnoliaave
Sophomore Participates
9.1  author  magnoliaave  replied to  Enoch @9    3 years ago

Dear Sir:  You are a wonderful human being.  You understand.  Thank you for sharing with all of us.

 
 
 
Perrie Halpern R.A.
Professor Principal
10  Perrie Halpern R.A.    3 years ago

Although death is something we must do alone, dying alone is a horrible thing. 

Why are you contemplating dying alone? Do you have children or grandchildren? 

 
 
 
magnoliaave
Sophomore Participates
10.1  author  magnoliaave  replied to  Perrie Halpern R.A. @10    3 years ago

I am not contemplating dying alone nor am I contemplating dying.

I am living.  My dear friend of 53 years came over two nights ago and brought our bottle of wine which she always does.  We went through happiness ten times.

Caring about disadvantaged people and those who are alone have always been one of my top priorities.  Being conservative has nothing to do with caring for our fellow man.  

For the record.   I don't plan on dying anytime soon.   

 
 
 
lennylynx
Sophomore Participates
10.1.1  lennylynx  replied to  magnoliaave @10.1    3 years ago

"Being conservative has nothing to do with caring for our fellow man."

You got that right, Mango, truer words were never spoken!

 
 
 
magnoliaave
Sophomore Participates
10.1.2  author  magnoliaave  replied to  lennylynx @10.1.1    3 years ago

I have always tried to make a difference, but have fallen short many times.  The homeless break my heart.

 
 
 
lennylynx
Sophomore Participates
10.1.3  lennylynx  replied to  magnoliaave @10.1.2    3 years ago

Even our veterans are often homeless, it's unacceptable.

 
 
 
magnoliaave
Sophomore Participates
10.1.4  author  magnoliaave  replied to  lennylynx @10.1.3    3 years ago

Totally.

No excuse for it.

 
 
 
Paula Bartholomew
Professor Guide
11  Paula Bartholomew    3 years ago

This seed and some of the comments really hit home for me.  I had distanced myself from most of my family for many years.  Then something happened in my life where I needed all the support I could get, but it was not there.  Except for my one half sister and an aunt, everyone else to include who I thought was my bff turned a blind eye to me.  Their basic view was....you are on your own in this.  People don't let happen to you what happened to me.  You will regret it.

 
 
 
magnoliaave
Sophomore Participates
11.1  author  magnoliaave  replied to  Paula Bartholomew @11    3 years ago

That's the best advice yet.

When one is young, sometimes, the attitude is that we don't need anyone.  Friends become all important, but friends come and go and family is always there.  My Mother was my teacher.  Loyalty...

Well, I sure am sorry that happened.

 
 
 
Paula Bartholomew
Professor Guide
11.1.1  Paula Bartholomew  replied to  magnoliaave @11.1    3 years ago

Big hugs   

 
 
 
321steve - realistically thinkin or Duu
Sophomore Expert
12  321steve - realistically thinkin or Duu     3 years ago

Fortunately I have always been somewhat of a loner. I say fortunately because I have watched all my immediate family die from alcoholism including my two younger siblings.

Long ago I relocated by myself from my home town and never really looked back. I have had many friend who have come and gone but I am very comfortable being alone. At this point I actually prefer it. I do what I want when I want. And I dont want that to change.

Dying alone... no one dies with anyone else usually anyway. Same with birth.

I figure I came into this world alone... I'll be leaving it the same way. 

In reality we all do. 

 
 
 
magnoliaave
Sophomore Participates
12.1  author  magnoliaave  replied to  321steve - realistically thinkin or Duu @12    3 years ago

While you were being born where was your Mother?

 
 
 
321steve - realistically thinkin or Duu
Sophomore Expert
12.1.1  321steve - realistically thinkin or Duu   replied to  magnoliaave @12.1    3 years ago
While you were being born where was your Mother?

She was already here. I was born alone. Most of us are.

 
 
 
magnoliaave
Sophomore Participates
12.1.2  author  magnoliaave  replied to  321steve - realistically thinkin or Duu @12.1.1    3 years ago

You are inside of her, so, she was there helping you to join the world.

 
 
 
321steve - realistically thinkin or Duu
Sophomore Expert
12.1.3  321steve - realistically thinkin or Duu   replied to  magnoliaave @12.1.2    3 years ago
she was there

Yep she was here/there. So were appx 7.5 Billion other humans when I got here.

But No one else was born with me. I was born alone. I will probably die alone as well. I have No problem with that. 

 
 
 
Kathleen
Professor Principal
12.2  Kathleen  replied to  321steve - realistically thinkin or Duu @12    3 years ago

I am too Steve.  The only thing that "made me" social, was having a child. Other then that, I like time to myself.  : )

 
 
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