Omar Epps The fatherly bond is so unique that we can't let stereotypes come between us and our kids
S E E D E D C O N T E N T
Becoming a father was exhilarating, exciting, scary — all those things everybody tells you you'll feel about bringing a life into the world. But at the end of the day, it was just beautiful.
Growing up without a father, though, I was particularly worried that, once I became a parent, I wouldn't know how to provide structure. Granted, all parents are winging it, because every child and every family is a unique experience, but I did have concerns that I was winging it more than anyone else. So, I tried to prep myself as much as I could before my kids arrived.
But what I realized is that, even if you have both parents in the house when you are growing up, once you become one yourself, it's still completely different because it's your child.
I was very affectionate with my kids — all three of them. It's particularly important when they're infants because the bonds starts there. The fatherly bond is a really unique thing; we've accepted the notion of a maternal bond, but there's one between fathers and their children, too. It's hard to put it into words, but there is definitely a feeling of protection, feeling that you need to be able to catch your child before they fall, to defend them against the world.
I think that it's really cool that it's a thing now for men to have skin-to-skin contact with their infants the way that mothers do, and that men are doing it, because you can create a forever-bond that way. Especially when you look at the history of father-son relationships, where there is this historical male bravado of not showing affection to one another, it's so important not to get caught up in that. I kiss my son on the forehead, you know, that sort of thing that I wouldn't think twice about doing with my daughter.
In my home, we joke that my wife was the disciplinarian but, really, we split the disciplinarian duties. And we tried, even when we had to engage with discipline, to talk through things with our children so they learned where the mistake was, not just that they were punished for it. To me, if you make a mistake once, there's a lesson there; if you make a mistake twice, then it's really a mistake. I'm a big proponent of parents talking things through with their kids so that the children understand what's expected of them and their actions after are not just a robotic response to punishment.
And we try to connect with them as friends too. Part of the relationship is always going to be parent-child, but in terms of helping them navigate the nuances of their relationships or certain things with school, there are no hard and fast rules to teach them. So with my wife and I, when they mess up or they're stumbling in the wrong way, we start with having a conversation, to help guide them with our wisdom rather than punish them or yell at them from a place of knowing better than they do.
I like to say that parenthood happens like life, in 10-year, five-year phases. Parenthood is the same way because one day your kid's three, and then they're 21 and they can legally drink. You're the same parent, but your relationship and your child will necessarily change, and the best thing you can have done is to have built a bond from day one that can survive those changes.
As told to THINK editor Megan Carpentier, edited and condensed for clarity.
Omar Epps is an actor, entrepreneur, the president of BrooklynWorks Films and the author of "From Fatherless to Fatherhood."
Tags
Who is online
378 visitors
I normally don't post the whole article, but in this case, I think that this subject bears merit and I am not always sure if people go to the links.
It is about the importance of fatherhood, and how a father influences the family, especially the children of both sexes. I feel that we sometimes underplay the importance of dad and their influence in raising grounded children. Omar has been on both sides of the fence, so no one would know better than he would. I would like to discuss both personal experiences and the impact of fatherlessness on children.
only know about motherlessness, as did my child
Oh I am sorry to hear that. I know that can be very hard on a father.
The impact is huge. I believe it is the main reason for Juvenile Delinquency. It is the curse of the inner city
Being a teacher for over 20 years in the inner city, I can tell you that it is a problem. The male role model isn't there, so they have to look to other males for that, and depending on who they find, will define how they turn out. Also having one parent can mean having a lot of alone time, which can lead to problems, too.
Only the inner city?
Now that I know you were and are an inner city teacher, I have a question on discipline. Am I correct in assuming that we can no longer expel students who are serious problems?
It may exist elsewhere, but as I said "It is the curse of the inner city"
Well, that is true. Where there are poor, without fathers, there are children who are at risk.
I have a son and daughter and the one worry that I always had when they were growing up is that I wasn't being a ''good dad''....Whatever that was. As Omar said, we are winging it and man that can be scary.
IMO, there isn't any playbook to follow, we do what we think is best and hope like hell that it's the ''right'' thing.
Children that grow up without a father are missing an important link in their life...Sadly, that is the fate of many kids.
It is hard for men, especially men who didn't have a father, to begin with, like Omar. Some men take to it easily, and others have to work at it. Also, our society really doesn't lend itself to male parenting.
The thing is, I know that boys and girls need a father involved with them. I remember my dad was not around a lot when I was growing up. First in the Navy, and then the graveyard shift at Grumman, and I would watch the neighborhood kids scream "Daddy's Home!" and feeling very cheated. But when he was home, we had a good time together. I have to say, I have a great dad even if he is a bit pesty in his old age.
Whoa, the Big Chief is pesty. Shame on you...
Hey, when big chief wants you to do something, your question better be "How High"
No, no, no, no. The saying is the powerful person asking you to JUMP and you say how high. If you don't use the 'jump,' you can't use the 'how high.' You're welcome...
I really can't speak about this because my father was a constant in my life and my own husband was always there for his kids.
Today my children are happy and well adjusted.
Well, that is wonderful to hear trout. Matt was a big part of the girls' lives and I think they might actually like him better.. You know fathers and their daughters and mom is the disciplinarian.