Borowitz three-fer
S E E D E D C O N T E N T
Sarah Huckabee Sanders Accuses Media of Anti-Liar Bias
“From their obsession with fact-checking to their relentless attacks on falsehoods, the media have made no secret of their bias,” Sanders said. “It’s open season on liars in America.”
“This is media hypocrisy at its very worst,” she added. “The same journalists who advocate freedom of speech want to take that freedom away from anyone whose speech consists entirely of lies.”
“This is nothing more or less than a direct attack on the lying life style,” she said. “You take away my right to lie and you take away my ability to earn a living.”
Kellyanne Conway, the White House senior counsellor, spoke out in support of Sanders, telling reporters, “An attack on one liar is an attack on all liars.”
“Our country has seen some dark days, from the Bowling Green Massacre to the bugging of the White House microwave,” she said. “But this might be the darkest.”
William Barr Reads “Moby-Dick,” Finds No Evidence of Whales
The Attorney General issued his statement on the absence of whales in the Melville classic in a two-paragraph book report released to the news media.
“Those who read ‘Moby-Dick’ looking for whales will be sorely disappointed,” Barr wrote. “There are no whales here.”
To illustrate his point, Barr quoted the book’s first sentence: “Call me Ishmael.”
“As you can clearly see, that sentence does not have a whale in it,” Barr wrote.
The Attorney General indicated that he hoped his report would put an end to “reckless speculation” about the existence of whales in “Moby-Dick.” “It’s time to move on,” he wrote.
Barr disclosed that, after waiting years to read “Moby-Dick,” he was able to finish reading it in approximately fifteen minutes.
Trump’s Budget Contains Twenty Million Dollars for Bail
The line item for a “bail fund” was buried in the fine print of the published budget, along with a footnote specifying that the money could be used only to bail out Trump and members of his immediate family.
The footnote listed the members of his family who would be eligible to use the funds, including his daughter Ivanka and his sons Donald, Jr., and Eric, but not his son-in-law, Jared Kushner.
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi joined a chorus of congressional Democrats who cried foul at the notion of American taxpayers posting bail for Trump and his family.
“At the end of the day, this is going to cost way more than twenty mil,” she said.
Images:
Evan Vucci / AP / Shutterstock
Alex Wroblewski / Bloomberg / Getty
Chris Kleponis / Getty
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Gotta love Andy.