Rudy Giuliani Tests Positive For Slew Of Obscure Bat Diseases Unrelated To Covid-19

  

Category:  News & Politics

Via:  jbb  •  4 weeks ago  •  5 comments

By:   The Onion

Rudy Giuliani Tests Positive For Slew Of Obscure Bat Diseases Unrelated To Covid-19
NEW YORK—After undergoing tests to rule out the possibility of coronavirus infection, sources close to Rudy Giuliani confirmed Friday that the attorney tested positive for several dozen obscure bat diseases completely unrelated to Covid-19. "As of now, we have confirmed 27 diseases and counting inside Mr. Giuliani, many of which experts have only previously seen as communicable from bat to bat," said Dr. Allen Ellis, physician for the former New York City mayor, adding that a team of...

Researchers fear Rudy will infect other rodents and vermin...


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NEW YORK—After undergoing tests to rule out the possibility of coronavirus infection, sources close to Rudy Giuliani confirmed Friday that the attorney tested positive for several dozen obscure bat diseases completely unrelated to Covid-19. "As of now, we have confirmed 27 diseases and counting inside Mr. Giuliani, many of which experts have only previously seen as communicable from bat to bat," said Dr. Allen Ellis, physician for the former New York City mayor, adding that a team of archaeobiologists from Harvard University who specialize in rare mammalian diseases discovered high levels of guano in Giuliani's blood. "While definitely suffering from more common bat-to-person transmissions like rabies, ticks, and histoplasmosis, Mr. Giuliani has also somehow contracted vespertilioma—a long-eradicated bat cancer researchers haven't seen since a very unusual case in Germany in 1903. He also has the bat version of diabetes. A number of these viruses are only sexually transmitted between bats, so this is extremely concerning. An especially interesting contagion located inside Mr. Giuliani's chest is linked to the only known fossilized remains of a rare Tibetan bat species, which was buried with the inscription 'kha rdung pho wang,' roughly translating to 'curse of the small winged mammal.'" At press time, Dr. Ellis was struggling to make sense of an abdominal scan of Giuliani, which appeared to show six live bats living comfortably inside his liver.


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JBB
1  seeder  JBB    4 weeks ago

New York's rat, bat mouse and other vermin populations are taking common sense precautions to try and avoid infections from The Rudy Viruses...

 
 
 
JohnRussell
2  JohnRussell    4 weeks ago

Oh man that's brutal lol. 

 
 
 
JBB
2.1  seeder  JBB  replied to  JohnRussell @2    4 weeks ago

Guano in place of blood causes Rudy's Rabies...

 
 
 
bbl-1
3  bbl-1    4 weeks ago

Do not under any circumstance drink from the same cup or wear a hat that has been touched by Rudy.

Also, do not use his dentist.  Acquire someone else.

 
 
 
Bob Nelson
4  Bob Nelson    4 weeks ago

Thank God for the Onion! 

 
 
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