MsAubrey (aka Ahyoka)

The past couple months...

  
By:  MsAubrey (aka Ahyoka)  •  Personal  •  2 weeks ago  •  32 comments

The past couple months...

So, the past couple months have been sort of interesting. This is just a brief rundown of occurrences.

Firstly, I just wanted to say that my time at NT will remain very limited. I don't particularly need the additional and unnecessary stress that often accompanies conversations here. Therefore, if it's another two months before I return, you know at least know why I haven't responded.

My daughter turned 18 and her "father" told her that she no longer has a home at his house and requested his house key back. All because she "hurt his feelings." My personal opinion is that he could no longer "control" her or her actions now that she's legally an adult and that is really what bothers him. That feeling was merely compounded upon when he drafted a "contract" that gave him sole discretion regarding the money he had saved for her education. He, over the past 13 years has saved about $17,000 to go towards the post high school education of her choice. She still wants to go to school for HVAC, which is just over $17,000 TOTAL cost. He drafted this "contract" to say that he has the right to stop payment and require her to pay him fully within one year if she doesn't perform as he expects of her. This, to me says two things; he doesn't trust her and he's still trying to control whatever is left to control. Now, keep in mind... he never once had to pay child support. We agreed that we would not involve the Friend of the Court, for several reasons. One of my reasons was that he was putting money away for her education. Let's put that in perspective mathematically... If I were to get the amount of child support from him that I was receiving when my parents divorced, which was $120 [might even have been more that my mother was receiving for me] PER WEEK, over 13 years [676 weeks] = $81,120. Now... the only question I have is, do I point this fact out to him or just leave it alone, because at least my daughter no longer has to put up with his bullshit? She is currently working, she bought her own vehicle and has her own car insurance. She pays her own phone bill too. She's either going to get student loans for education in HVAC or join the local union facility to start training / education.

The "adopted one" is now 20 and has a full time job. He's now paying for his own phone and phone bill. Next step is for him to figure out what he wants to do with his life. His adult driving permit is about to expire and he still cannot drive for shit and his temper behind the wheel is unacceptable. I was driving better at 15 [illegally]. He needs a driver's license for what he thinks he wants to do, which is become an electrician through the local union facility. My opinion... he should just get a moped license and yes, that would be a rough ride in Michigan winters, but he seriously shouldn't be behind the wheel of a car or truck.

My son is now 13 and full of testosterone, piss and vinegar. He just started the 8th grade. I like his teachers so far. I worry about how he'll do in his math class in particular. He's got algebra this year. He's not awesome at math. The issue here though is, I am not good at algebra and neither is my husband. My daughter barely hobbled through it herself. I'm just grateful that his school provides free tutoring. He has a crush on a girl already... I only know her initials. He won't tell me her name. I doubt I would even know who she is anyways. Other than school and his current crush... he's all about video games. We have to give him "jobs" to do, just to get him away from the damn gaming unit. I get it... he's fine with playing board games or going to the park, but he only has a couple friends as of now and going to the park alone is boring. It's not like when I was a kid, where there were kids in nearly every house and everyone knew one another... and the kids were together, outside, all day. Most parents today have their kids in so many after school activities [which I cannot afford] that there's no time to just play in the neighborhood with other kids.

My employer has officially announced that we will continue to work from home beyond the first of the year. YAY! I was also contacted by a friend / former coworker about another job that pays about $20,000 more per year than I'm currently making. I sent her my resume. Don't know when I will hear about that, but I'm unsure of it too... it's with a start-up / kick start company. I worry because they don't have a sellable product yet. Then again, my employer is dealing with a buyout and two companies are trying to buy my employer; one wants to keep a single customer and dismantle the rest and the other wants to keep the entire company and have it as a separate division. I'm hoping for the latter, but who knows what will happen.

Well, that's the interesting stuff from the past two months here in SE Michigan.

NO PRESIDENTS PAST OR PRESENT! NO POLITICS!

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MsAubrey (aka Ahyoka)
Sophomore Principal
1  author  MsAubrey (aka Ahyoka)    2 weeks ago

NO PRESIDENTS PAST OR PRESENT! NO POLITICS!

 
 
 
charger 383
Professor Quiet
2  charger 383    2 weeks ago

Sounds like you are busy, Good Luck

 
 
 
Ed-NavDoc
PhD Quiet
3  Ed-NavDoc    2 weeks ago

Best wishes to you lady, in both your employment and your children.

 
 
 
JaneDoe
Sophomore Silent
4  JaneDoe    2 weeks ago

In regards to your daughter. In my opinion her dad saved for her education and he should just go on and follow through with that. If he doesn’t he will just hurt his future relationship with her. Also if she is anything like you she will do just fine and no doubt fulfill her dreams with or without his help! 
I also totally understand your choice to limit your visits here. 
Take care and I hope everything works out!

 
 
 
MsAubrey (aka Ahyoka)
Sophomore Principal
4.1  author  MsAubrey (aka Ahyoka)  replied to  JaneDoe @4    2 weeks ago
Also if she is anything like you she will do just fine and no doubt fulfill her dreams with or without his help!

I know she will too. 

I agree that he should fulfill his promises, but this is not surprising in the least. Chances are, he'll buy a new motorcycle with that money instead. He already has hurt his relationship with her a great deal and this simply created a bigger gap. He has done this with most people in his life. He currently has a wife, but quite frankly, she's too good for him and I'm waiting for the day she comes to her senses. He will die alone, because he pushes everyone away. Everyone knows he's ADHD, narcissistic and [likely] bipolar, but refuses to see a professional about any of it, because in his eyes, he's perfect and can do no wrong. Everyone else is the problem.

 
 
 
JaneDoe
Sophomore Silent
4.1.1  JaneDoe  replied to  MsAubrey (aka Ahyoka) @4.1    2 weeks ago
narcissistic and [likely] bipolar, but refuses to see a professional about any of it, because in his eyes, he's perfect and can do no wrong. Everyone else is the problem.

I know someone just like that. They are very hard to deal with. I usually medicate myself before I have to see them. jrSmiley_82_smiley_image.gif

 
 
 
Ronin2
Masters Quiet
5  Ronin2    2 weeks ago
Firstly, I just wanted to say that my time at NT will remain very limited. I don't particularly need the additional and unnecessary stress that often accompanies conversations here. Therefore, if it's another two months before I return, you know at least know why I haven't responded.

You have far more will power than I do; and should be commended for it. I should stay away for the same reasons; but I have an injured left leg that is costing me thousands in medical expenses; and will never fully heal. I am in more pain now than before going to the emergency room; then my new doctor; and a wound specialist. Guess NT helps me vent.

Now... the only question I have is, do I point this fact out to him or just leave it alone, because at least my daughter no longer has to put up with his bullshit? She is currently working, she bought her own vehicle and has her own car insurance. She pays her own phone bill too. She's either going to get student loans for education in HVAC or join the local union facility to start training / education.

You know her father better than I do; but my dad was the exact same way wanting to control every aspect of my life through money. I ended up cutting up the two credit cards he gave me; paid him off for the car and promptly got rid of it; moved out of the house after paying him 2 extra months of rent as per his contract (still angers me to this day); and tried to cut off all contact with him after that (didn't work for the first several years). Every time we got together we fought after that; it didn't matter what the occasion was, or who else was around. I skipped going with my mother to my younger brother's (who I also didn't get along with) funeral because I knew he would be there. I didn't see him for 20 plus years until he died from cancer. When his health was declining all correspondence I had with him went through one of my cousins that was caring for him. The point I am trying to make is tell him that unless he wants to risk losing his daughter the 17,000 and trying to micro manage her life simply isn't worth it. He might not believe it now; but as he gets older he might want to have a relationship with his daughter. Best not to burn all of his bridges.

 His adult driving permit is about to expire and he still cannot drive for shit and his temper behind the wheel is unacceptable. I was driving better at 15 [illegally]. He needs a driver's license for what he thinks he wants to do, which is become an electrician through the local union facility. My opinion... he should just get a moped license and yes, that would be a rough ride in Michigan winters, but he seriously shouldn't be behind the wheel of a car or truck.

A moped in Michigan winters; with the risk of other Michigan drivers in much larger vehicles around him? Unless the SE side of the state has milder winters than the west side? Anger management courses and intensive driver's educational training might be safer for him in the long run.

 
 
 
MsAubrey (aka Ahyoka)
Sophomore Principal
5.1  author  MsAubrey (aka Ahyoka)  replied to  Ronin2 @5    2 weeks ago
The point I am trying to make is tell him that unless he wants to risk losing his daughter the 17,000 and trying to micro manage her life simply isn't worth it. He might not believe it now; but as he gets older he might want to have a relationship with his daughter. Best not to burn all of his bridges.

Everyone has warned him about his antics and how he will not have anyone around for him when he wants / needs them... FOR YEARS people have been telling him these things. He blames our daughter for their strained relationship. He blames his mother for their strained / non-existent relationship. He blames his sister for their strained / non-existent relationship.... the list goes on. It's everyone else... it's never him.

A moped in Michigan winters; with the risk of other Michigan drivers in much larger vehicles around him? Unless the SE side of the state has milder winters than the west side? Anger management courses and intensive driver's educational training might be safer for him in the long run.

SE Michigan does have milder winters than the west side of the state. Quite frankly, I can't afford to send him to therapy / anger management or the professional driver's ed. It's more than $400 [total] for driver's ed. and therapy / anger management is roughly $120 / hour, give or take $10. He moved into our home at 18. Therefore, no legal adoption and the fact that he's no longer living with either of his parents, he cannot use their health insurance.

 
 
 
JBB
Professor Principal
6  JBB    2 weeks ago

We had math by... The Year 2,000. Sorry for being harsh, but I do not understand by what right you and your daughter's father deprived her of his parental support for over thirteen years. Your ex really owes you guy's daughter over eighty thousand dollars and she could or maybe should probably sue of you for making such bad decisions on her behalf. If he had been paying for all those years and the money had been responsibly managed for her, she would not have this $$$ problem now...

 
 
 
MsAubrey (aka Ahyoka)
Sophomore Principal
6.1  author  MsAubrey (aka Ahyoka)  replied to  JBB @6    2 weeks ago

He and I were making about the same amount of money when we divorced. We had 50/50 joint legal and physical custody. Therefore, opted out of Friend of the Court... where the state keeps a considerable share. When she had school trips or field trips or needed things for marching band or needed glasses or dental work.......... he paid. When I was laid off and needed some groceries, he gave me money. When he was forced overtime and couldn't take her on his days, he gave me money to cover any costs for her remaining in my care. 

Trust me when I say that the "child support" that my mother received for me did not get spent only on my needs. I was working and paying rent at 16 even though more than $100 per week was coming in as "child support"... I'm an only child. I should've had a savings account... but I didn't. That "child support" was buying groceries for everyone [6 people] and I was almost never there to eat the food that was bought, because if I wasn't in school, I was working and buying my own damn food. 

Not everyone lives in a "perfect" world.

 
 
 
Sunshine
PhD Guide
7  Sunshine    2 weeks ago

Has your daughter looked at Pell Grants?  She may qualify for one.  Not sure, it has been years since I used one, but it might be an option.

When I was her age I was very independent and strong willed.  If my parents told me to sign a contract to pay for my education under their control, I would have said no thank you.  I know my daughters would have too although I would not have ever asked them to do it. All you can do is be a guidance for her, and I would tell her father that he may lose his daughter for many years to come if he doesn't change something.

A friend of mines son has a similar father but he would call his adult son everyday to see what his progress was for that day at college.  He ended up leaving school because of the stress from his father.  I am sure your ex believes he is handling this right but he will soon find out that using control over anyone doesn't work, only pushes them farther away.

Good luck, it will all work out.  My kids are in their 30's and I still worry about them.

 
 
 
JaneDoe
Sophomore Silent
7.1  JaneDoe  replied to  Sunshine @7    2 weeks ago
My kids are in their 30's and I still worry about them.

Same here. No matter how old he gets I will always be there for him.

 
 
 
Kathleen
Professor Principal
7.1.1  Kathleen  replied to  JaneDoe @7.1    2 weeks ago

That’s what I tell my daughter.. 

 
 
 
JaneDoe
Sophomore Silent
7.1.2  JaneDoe  replied to  Kathleen @7.1.1    2 weeks ago

It’s crazy but no matter how much he lets that facial hair grow ( which I hate ) sometimes when I look at him I still see that little boy sitting on my lap . jrSmiley_93_smiley_image.jpg

 
 
 
Kathleen
Professor Principal
7.1.3  Kathleen  replied to  JaneDoe @7.1.2    2 weeks ago

Lol! He will always be your baby..😊

 
 
 
Sunshine
PhD Guide
7.1.4  Sunshine  replied to  JaneDoe @7.1    2 weeks ago
No matter how old he gets I will always be there for him.

My Mother turned 90 this year and has 3 generations to worry over.  jrSmiley_4_smiley_image.png

 
 
 
JaneDoe
Sophomore Silent
7.1.5  JaneDoe  replied to  Sunshine @7.1.4    2 weeks ago

Us Mom’s complain about that worrying but we sure are good at it.

I’m happy for you to still have your Mom with you.

 
 
 
Kathleen
Professor Principal
7.1.6  Kathleen  replied to  Sunshine @7.1.4    2 weeks ago

jrSmiley_24_smiley_image.gif Wow! Good for her! 

 
 
 
Kathleen
Professor Principal
7.2  Kathleen  replied to  Sunshine @7    2 weeks ago

We started a 529 account when our daughter was born and then it grew over the years and we would put in more here and there. When she was ready to go, then we used it.  Our accountant set it up for us. She knew that college was part of her education. She has one more year left. She works part time too. She pays for her car insurance, car payment and phone. 

 
 
 
Sunshine
PhD Guide
7.2.1  Sunshine  replied to  Kathleen @7.2    2 weeks ago

Most kids want to be responsible.  

Good job Mom!

 
 
 
JaneDoe
Sophomore Silent
7.2.2  JaneDoe  replied to  Kathleen @7.2    2 weeks ago
We started a 529 account

That’s what we did too. It was enough to cover his first 4 years. We covered some books towards the end and of course his share of the apartment when he moved off campus his Junior year. It was one of the best decisions we made!

 
 
 
Kathleen
Professor Principal
7.2.3  Kathleen  replied to  JaneDoe @7.2.2    2 weeks ago

Yep, it’s the best thing we did too!

 
 
 
MsAubrey (aka Ahyoka)
Sophomore Principal
7.3  author  MsAubrey (aka Ahyoka)  replied to  Sunshine @7    2 weeks ago
All you can do is be a guidance for her, and I would tell her father that he may lose his daughter for many years to come if he doesn't change something.

That's what I'm doing and he's been told that for years.

I am sure your ex believes he is handling this right but he will soon find out that using control over anyone doesn't work, only pushes them farther away.

One would think that, considering he's done this to everyone in his life, that he'd have learned by now.

 
 
 
r.t..b...
Masters Participates
8  r.t..b...    2 weeks ago

No politics…no presidents past or future…

…simply best wishes for peace of mind as we negotiate the minefield we and we alone have created. I have always appreciated your contributions here about…be well, stay safe, and realize your inner strength will bring you and yours to a better place. 

Peace…always. 

 
 
 
Kathleen
Professor Principal
9  Kathleen    2 weeks ago

I am glad to hear from you because I missed you... Sometimes things feel so overwhelming in our lives, but it all works out in the end. I  know you are great mom. I hope everything goes well with your employment.  I can understand not visiting here much. If you ever need to talk....  

Take good care of yourself my friend. 

 
 
 
JBB
Professor Principal
10  JBB    2 weeks ago

A journeyman electrician always drives the truck. If your son cannot keep his composure and drive responsibly he will wash out immediately. Give him a chance. Without a driver's license he really has none...

 
 
 
pat wilson
Professor Guide
11  pat wilson    2 weeks ago

Glad to see you back and I understand about limiting your time here. Using the "ignore" function can make your experience here much more pleasant.

Best to you.

 
 
 
CB
Professor Principal
12  CB     2 weeks ago
My employer has officially announced that we will continue to work from home beyond the first of the year. YAY! I was also contacted by a friend / former coworker about another job that pays about $20,000 more per year than I'm currently making. I sent her my resume. Don't know when I will hear about that, but I'm unsure of it too... it's with a start-up / kick start company. I worry because they don't have a sellable product yet. Then again, my employer is dealing with a buyout and two companies are trying to buy my employer; one wants to keep a single customer and dismantle the rest and the other wants to keep the entire company and have it as a separate division. I'm hoping for the latter, but who knows what will happen.

You're not going to like this. My answer:

Stay with the sure thing.

Your present employer. You have 'history' that can be pasted on to the new owner/s if your cards are played rights. In this current climate, start-ups are going to have a rough time. And, may not get off tand stay off the ground (unless aided by state or federal grants).

Also, a start-up feels no loyalty to you. They are singularly focused on paying good money for extraordinary work! And thus, if they make a snap judgement to let someone - you go you have no record to support keeping you. For these reasons,

Stay with the sure thing.

Finally, you can test the waters at the established start-up after they develop "product line" and build client-base.

 
 
 
MsAubrey (aka Ahyoka)
Sophomore Principal
12.1  author  MsAubrey (aka Ahyoka)  replied to  CB @12    2 weeks ago

Actually, I was leaning toward the stability anyways. jrSmiley_82_smiley_image.gif No hurt feelings here.

 
 
 
GregTx
Sophomore Silent
13  GregTx    2 weeks ago

Good to read you again. Kids... whatcha you gonna do except the best that you can?

 
 
 
Freewill
Sophomore Participates
14  Freewill    2 weeks ago

Family always comes first MsAubrey, as you well know based on your article (I'm sorry I missed your article until just now).  There are certainly times when our struggles seem overwhelming, but they can also strengthen us and our relationships too when we come together to overcome those struggles.  I wish the very best to you and your family MsAubrey! 

I have always enjoyed our conversations and reading your comments here, and can tell from them that you are a strong, open-minded, and caring person.  While we will miss seeing you as often, we will be here if you need to talk and will be happy to see you when you are ready to return. 

I don't particularly need the additional and unnecessary stress that often accompanies conversations here.

Indeed!  None of us do.  That is why having fair-minded and rational friends like you here (or anywhere for that matter) is so important.  Your calm demeanor and reasonable approach to heated discussions is what brings some much needed stress relief to conversations here, and I would imagine outside this venue as well.  Take care my friend and we will see you soon!  

 
 
 
MsAubrey (aka Ahyoka)
Sophomore Principal
14.1  author  MsAubrey (aka Ahyoka)  replied to  Freewill @14    one week ago

jrSmiley_93_smiley_image.jpg

Thank you for your kind words.