House Republicans want Hunter Biden investigation. Because of course.
By: Rex Huppke (USA TODAY)
The House Republicans' agenda revealed.
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S E E D E D C O N T E N T
'Rest assured, we Republicans will get to the bottom of what Hunter Biden did and why it definitely involved bringing people across the border to harvest human babies for wealthy liberals to eat.'
Hello, fellow Americans. We are the new Republican majority in the U.S. House of Representatives, and it is our honor to share our exciting plans for the weeks and months ahead.
Clearly the midterm elections didn't go quite as we had hoped, but we are appropriately chastened and have fully heard the message that was sent: You all are tired of conspiracy theories and election denialism and prefer a focus on legislation that will make a difference in your lives.
Point taken. Now that we have a narrow majority in the House, we're totally going to nail this.
Republicans heard the voters: Time to arrest Hunter Biden!
That's why we're proudly introducing the first of 37 investigations into Hunter Biden and his father, President Joe Biden, along with a number of new committees that will address the concerns of regular Americans like Sean Hannity, Donald Trump and Tucker Carlson.
Throughout the midterm election campaign, we talked to you about the meat and potato issues we promised to fix: rising inflation, illegal immigration and high gas prices.
What we didn't tell you is we believe all those problems stem from Hunter Biden and a series of other scandalous things we have read about on the internet.
Why do the libs not seem to care about Hunter Biden being dangerous?
Predictably, the lazy liberals out there say things like, "Who cares about Hunter Biden?" and "If Hunter Biden broke the law, he should be prosecuted and, if convicted, punished appropriately - whatever."
Nice try, libs. We know you care as deeply about Hunter Biden as we do, so one of our investigations will focus on why liberals don't seem to care about Hunter Biden when we're convinced they actually do.
GOP investigations are already yielding impressive results!
To demonstrate how prepared we are to govern, the House GOP on Thursday tweeted: "Hunter Biden's laptop is REAL."
That is one of the things we have already learned! Clearly, the fact the president's adult son has a REAL laptop is problematic, and quite likely ties in with the exorbitant price of groceries.
You may be thinking: How will arresting Hunter Biden and his laptop and impeaching President Biden for a crime to be determined at a later date lower the prices of food or gas?
The answer is simple and, like the legislative plan we didn't present during the campaign, it's a secret! You'll just need to trust us.
The House GOP committees will tackle the most pressing issues of the day
Of course we can't fix every problem by investigating Hunter Biden, much like we can't seem to get any made-up scandal to stick to his father.
That's why we are immediately forming the following committees that reflect our newfound understanding of the issues most important to the American people:
►The Committee on the Eradication of Jewish Space Lasers, chaired by Georgia Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene.
►The Committee to Explain Why Everything We Said Was a Crisis During the Campaign Is No Longer a Crisis Now that We're in Charge, chaired by Ohio Rep. Jim Jordan.
►The Committee to Investigate Anyone Tweeting Mean Things About Elon Musk, to be led by honorary chair and Twitter CEO Elon Musk.
►The Committee to Apologize to Great and Handsome Russian President Vladimir Putin and Immediately Take All Our Weapons Back from Evil Ukraine #WeLoveVlad, chaired by Florida Rep. Matt Gaetz.
►The Committee to Replace the Washington Monument with a Big, Beautiful Statue of (not-former) President Donald Trump, led by honorary co-chairs Donald Trump and MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell.
We promise to not get bogged down in conspiracies (too much!)
You all made the right decision putting us slightly in control of the House. We Republicans are ready to unify the country, work hard for the average American and prove, once and for all, that Republicans are sane and sensible legislators.
We will also prove that Hunter Biden is in a romantic relationship with "allegedly dead" former Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, and that together they rigged the 2020 election using … you guessed it … Hunter's laptop. (Marjorie Taylor Greene had the evidence proving it, but it was vaporized by a Jewish Space Laser.)
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Let the Freak Show begin!
based on their incompetent line up, I'm really not worried. they have 10 months to get something done, all while stuffing their pockets with lobbyist money, splitting their time fellating both trump and deathsantis until a front runner is established, and then trying to get re-elected. it'll look more like a keystone cops movie, as more of their rabid core dies off.
The only things they plan to get done are some witch hunts and passing a bunch of messaging bills to appease their base. And fund raising, of course.
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Gonna be the most useless House in history. The only thing they will pass is an expansion of the debt limit because they can't say no without sending the US into recession. Other than that they are going to hold some dumbass hearings that lead to nothing, and that is it. Fucking worthless.
LOL, it's on it's way as we speak...
"Let the Freak Show begin!".
It's already been going on since Jan of 2020.
Thank God we finally have people ready to attack this menace to society. I mean, screw crime, the economy, energy, climate, immigration, civil rights, police reform, education, healthcare, infrastructure, cyber security, corporate and government corruption, the environment, national defense, terrorism, drugs, gangs, and all the other frivolous garbage people say they care about. That shit can wait, ya know? We can finally get down to investigating Hunter MFing Biden. Woo Hoo!
And that is today's Republican Party.
Because his laptop or something?! I mean fuck dude, don't you wanna know what he was doing on it at some point like 5 years ago or whatever? I absolutely agree with the GOP that 1/3 of our government needs to be dedicated to figuring out exactly what porn videos Hunter Biden was watching. No question.
Everything you listed is secondary at best, what porn does Hunter Biden watch. That is what matters. Fucking 2022 GOP.
I heard Hunter crossed the border several times. They might be on to something...
Maybe they just want to investigate to get the Hunter hooker tapes. They want some Hunter porn....
I heard that Hunter pissed on Marjorie's mattress ... or it was the other way around ... ?
Who have you been talking to?
A variety of dominatrixes, their whips are very chatty.
Congrats, you must be able to afford the best, like Hunter.
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Well, even after 10% for the Big Guy, Hunter can still afford anything he wants!
Why hasn't Marjorie Taylor Greene announced an investigation into Jewish Space Lasers? What's the hold up? It's a dereliction of duty!
Those lasers are very real, they put the hole in every bagel. Time to fight, I'm not eating them if they look like a Kaiser roll.
Bialy Power!
That happens when the baker has a weak thumb.
Marjorie Taylor Greene actually believes this is a pullup. She is the queen of disinformation. She is performing a bar assisted air hump not a pullup.
zero, zero, zero, zero, zero
What the hell is that? I have never seen anyone flail about like that.
Exactly, weak, so weak.
So my question is.. and what? For real, what is the GOP looking for here? Hunter Biden's laptop, maybe some tax evasion or something (par for the course for members of congress and their donors)...And then? I just really do not understand what the "there" they are looking for is, I don't think they even know.
They are hoping that they can find some sort of corruption involving Hunter Biden that they can link to President Biden, or, absent that, if they find something on Hunter that they can't tie to Joe, to try to create a sense of guilt by association. They are willing to spend an unlimited amount of taxpayers' money in their effort, even if it's hundreds of millions of dollars, or more.
Because, you know, the country doesn't have any actual problems or anything.
And I agree with you that is exactly what they are doing.
They won't introduce a single piece of legislation dealing with the issues they ran on. They will introduce a bill banning abortion, and try to impeach Biden and several members of the Biden administration. We can expect them to try to impeach Obama, too, just because...
I don't wanna bet against you on the Obama thing...
I just read there is five investigations they want to launch
I have to ask, is this what republican voters wanted?
No actual policy, no intention of addressing any problems, not even the border which they complain about all the time, just investigate what others may or may not have done.
Only using the government as a form of political warfare.
One of the jerks said he is glad Dr. Fauci is retiring so he has lots of time to sit in front of their committee.
The Freak Show is getting ready. The American people are going to hate it.
I just can't wrap my head around it sometimes.
They yell and scream and complain about almost everything, then when in power completely ignore all their own complaints and work on nothing but vindictive 'investigations'.
That's how they operate. They have no real solutions for any problems, so they put on a show to appease their reactionary base.
Apparently inflation isn't even on their radar but making sure guys pee in the guys bathroom, they are all over that.
Can't have them women folk interrupting the glory hole usage....
Is that a homophobic comment?
And we know that is the primary reason their constituencies voted for them. They know there are no real problems that need the attention of their lawmakers near as much as Hunter Biden's laptop. /sarc
Yes, tax crimes, money laundering, and making a false statement when purchasing a gun.
So standard congressional behavior. And?
And what?
Maybe Hunter will pursue a whatabout defense.,
Again, and?
Again, and what?
My question.