EAT THE PRESS - DO NOT READ IT - A Primer Fer Maroons
CAUTION: This TOME is not, yet, rated!
Viewer discretion is advised! Violence, Vulgarity, Left-Wing Sentiments, Sexual Situations are all included, at NO EXTRA COST !
(Unless you want to pay more to upgrade your membership).
Within this trusted site, one will find, "All the things that we wish were in an article, that aren't! The real down and dirty stuff that grinds your soul, until it explodes.
(Read at your peril).
Now, lettuce, unpeel this onion.
If you are bored, have shabby taste in literature. . . you SHOULD read this shabbily written, CLASSLESS, piece of DRIBBLE written in a fury, by the less than esteemed, Jonathan Livingston Pigeon-Poo, "Doctored."
If you don't think I am "doctored," just take a gander in my medicine cabinet. I take 17 kinds of medications. I even take one to remind me to take my medications.
If I ain't "doctored," who the Hell is?
Brothers & Sistas of the Corn Hole De-Generation now is the time to make that call that you have been "wanting to do" for so long.
Pick up the phone, Sport, dial the number for your local MENTAL HEALTH facility, and tell them you need an appointment, "Right this Damn Minute!"
It worked for me.
Now, I am institutionalized within the luxurious confines of the Dick Cheney Nursing Home For Disgruntled Republicans where "Water Boarding Is a Therapy, Not a Torture!"
Sin-cerely, if you have to sin, at all!
- Jonathan Livingston Pigeon-Poo, "Doctored," Publisher & Flounder of Eat The Press - Do Not Read It!
Located in that lovely, but, nearly all torn-down Village of Mildew, Ohio, where there are NO JOBS - NOT EVEN BLOW JOBS!
(I warned you it might be offensive, especially, if you live in a bubble of religious mumble. It is the real world I speak to, not the Trump Alternate Reality of a Reality-TV Celebrity!)
TAKE A DAMN BREAK! Don't you have anything better to do?
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For years, well decade, perhaps, centuries many of my most ardent admirers have "bedeviled" me too "SHUT UP!"
But, I refused TO BE silenced. Like Trump, my ideal, I double down when confronted by REALITY. How do you duck reality?
Read at your own peril.
Send MONEY, Honey, no complaints, and no contaminated Onions.
I always start my day with my Morning Trump. You should, too. Don't Forget to WIPE Your Pence. That thing is more TOXIC than your Trump Dump.
I surely do wish they taught these facts in Texas...
My advice, "MOVE!"
I worked at KENS-TV in San Antonio, as a "gofer" (Go orf this, Go for that), when I returned from Vietnam. I loved it, I was stationed at Fort Sam Houston and was introduced to community theater, because my Sgt. stated, "you are no use to the Army. Try out for the Theater, Clown." So, I did, and fill in love with the sound of "One Hand Clapping."
I assumed that the other one was "pleasuring one's self." Though, I didn't observe it. Whenever I got close to an audience member they screamed and ran the other way.
I should have been a Horror Actor. I like Whores!
I gave up my television career to attend the University of Houston, where I majored in Theater and Girls. It was at U of H where I formed my first comedy group, Three Minus One. I was the Minus One.
We won a talent contest for Six Fags, er, "Flags" Over Texas, and moved to Arlington, Texas, where I had difficulty renting an apartment for my Comedy Group because my hair was a tad bit long. No "burr hair cut" for me.
We performed 5 shows a day, during the Summer of 1968, in a musical called, "TV BC," which I co-wrote with the Hollywood writer who penned the original script.
I was granted permission to make as many changes as necessary, put, not paid a dime more. We were not paid much over that.
Since we only had 20 minutes of stolen comedy material, we inserted several "Semi-Original Blackout Skits" that we stole from Vaudeville routines.
I, and, one of my comedy teammates headed to Hollywood, CA seeking fame and fortune. We came close!
We found famine, and, eviction notices for non-payment.
I wrote for Richard Pryor, Pat Paulsen, Paul Mooney, Laugh-In, Johnnie Carson's periodic quest who predicted the Future.
Naturally, as a "decertified" psychic, I wrote the predictions, and the guest/star claimed them as his own.
Texas was good, and, odd to me, being a "Born-Again Left-Leaning Liberal," I often had to watch my words, which is difficult to do when someone is shoving their fist in your face for confessing that I was a "Yankee."
That is a "No-No" in the Confederate South. They didn't get the Memo, "Civil War Is OVER, Arse Wipe! Get the Freakin' Frack over it!"
Nice to hear from you, JBB. Love your hard-hitting, no bull chip posts!
PS:
Please don't get angry at me. I am very sensitive. Grammarly, my Spell/Grammar Checker notified me that there are 12 mistakes in this reply and for an additional $99 they can upgrade my subscription. Do you have $99?
Never apologize for spelling.
Never apologize for being a comedy writer.
When they ask you where you are from - tell them - France .
I was also stationed at Ft. Sam more than once.
Thank you, my childhood-phobias have been dispelled.
I am now a Frenchman, Jean Robare! (Aka, John K. Roberts) me, non-pen, non-de-plunders, or, as they say in 'Murica, the name one uses when facing a judge.
It feels as if the screw that was loose within me head is tightened. Again, thank you.
Are you a practicing psychiatrist, or, a quack. Either is fine with me. Not that I am probing, mind you!
I like it, too!
I arrived in 1963-65 before I was shipped off to Vietnam to the 8th RRU, in Phu Bia, where I worked in the typing pools, suffering many "paper cuts," and long term debilitation from the overuse of "White-Out" fumes.
My numerous requests for VA compensation have repeatedly been denied. Doesn't the Army realize how important typing up charges for "smoking reefer in a combat zone" played so significant of a factor in that CONFLICT?
At 78.8.9 years, I am rapidly approaching my EXPIRATION DATE and seeking compensation so that I might buy my way into the other side.
The one with less heat.
I still have fond memories of my time there and when I returned to work at KENS-TV in San Antonio.
Thanks, Paula for stirring up these pleasant memories.
BTW: I like your post. They are solid!
So that's it in the altogether with you? A sum total of $99.00? Okay, sell me your joke book!
Joke Book?
I am a font of Wisdom. The psychic gateway to every Mickey's D's in the world.
Joke Bood, indeed.
I want that 'book' and I want it now! This is an official stick-up: Take the money (when it arrives), send the jokes, or else - Nurse Rachet gets time off! You follow my drift?!
Oh yeah. Call your congress people NOW!
[This little "negotiation" is to be kept separate from our other dealings!]
(Smiles.)
Me latest creation is languishing. Trumpers hate it. It is so difficult for me to please them. Enjoy. Hope you enjoyed it as much as I did writing it.
It is good to have a friend, again!
I was there from 1963 to 65, they volunteered for Vietnam.
I returned to San Antonio in 1966 and started work at KENS-TV as a "distinguished GO-FER," which gave me an opportunity to write PSA with my buddy, who later became the head of the Mexican TV in San Antonio, while I became the Head & Flounder of the less than prestigious, "Bird Droppings Institute For Morons, No Idiots, Please!", located in Mildew, Ohio, where there are "No Jobs - Not Even Blow Jobs! (That is our city's Logo)
Hope to hear from you again, though, after learning the truth, most NewsTalkers.communists set fire to my blog: EatThePressDoNotReadIt@
newstalkers.com!
Sorry, to take so long to reply to your kind post, but, the warden, here, at the Dick Cheney Nursing
Home For Wayward Republicans, insists that water boarding is a therapy, not a torture, and it slows the residents down a peg or two.
Generally, I talk to myself on this site. I get entirely too many Right-Wing commentators who want to do terrible things to my body, but, don't want to pay for them.
They are the ones that always want something for nothin'!
Generally, I talk to myself on this site.
You do keep up quite a repartee...
Thank you, Gsquared. I have here of a T-Square. I used it in my drafting class for dueling.
What does Gsquared mean?
The initials of my first and last names are G.G. Someone I knew from high school used to call me Gsquared sometimes.
Even better, my middle initial is A. So that's GAG. Either joke or choke, I guess...
Very cool.
In College, I earned the nickname, "Little Johnnie Jump Up," because I always had an opinion on everything, especially things I knew NOTHING about.
Stay in touch!
Thank you, Gsquared.
I believe that is the kindest compliment that I have every received, and with out the explicitness. (@#$%&*)
This could be dangerous unless you maintain at least 6 feet of social distancing. If all of you wear a mask though - you might be OK.
Do you have names for yourselves? If not, how can you tell each other apart?
Excellent Advice. Frankly, I have forgotten to Social Distance between me Pen Names. From this moment forward I shall enforce the mandate, as well as wearing a mask.
Anyone that refuses, goes back in me head.
To dissuade "creditors," I have several non-de plumes:
1. Jonathan Livingston Pigeon-Poo, "Doctored!" (If you don't think I am "doctored," just take a gander in me medicine cabinet. I take 17 medicine. Even one to remind me to take me meds.
2. Reverend Oral Fleece, Pasteur of the "Church of the How Big Is Your Wallet, How Small Is Your Mind."
3. Drs. Ding-Dong & Ding-A-Ling, conjoined Siamese Twin. One is a Medical Doctor, the other is a Vet. That way client can get their shots and see the vet simultaneously.
4. Wintrope Merridethe, Da Turd, in honor of a college mate who had done me wrong. He is the Flounder of the Bird Droppings Institue For Morons, No Idiots, Please!
Others come to me in the night, but, leave in the morning. Do you have this malady, too?
There is Nurse Betty, but she ain't you though! A sweet girl. I like her too. Carries a 'black bottle' around on her work site at the nursing home.
I know Nurse Ratchet, she carries a hatchet around with her to encourage residents to take their meds. She has a 100% compliance rate.
How are you, my friend?
I miss talking with you, although I have no idea what you are talking about. I do like your typing. Stay in touch!
Nurse Rachet! That's her. Nurse Betty comes in for emergencies only! "Black bottle Specials!" I am fine, Champ! How 'fights'? Call your congress people right now! This can't stand - Trump and his senators talking to Russia on "trumped-up" fake reasons during an election season. If we let this go—what does that JERK we call a president and his comrades have up their sleeve next.
Congress
Call. You can look up the direct dial number for your member of Congress or you can call the U.S. House switchboard at (202) 225-3121 to be connected to any number. Use snail mail. Find the contact information for your Representative from the House website or a current reference book, and send a letter.
R ussia = ReD PARty Republicans!
Just so you know. You do this for me and yourself, and I will tell Nurse Rachet to stay on the job and you won't have any need for er—an emergency treatment! (Chuckles!)
Thank you!
Nurse Rachet is tearing me a new one. I am sending my newest piece to my Representative and asking him to read it to CONGRESS.
What do you think are my odd that he will wipe his bum with it instead? He a Re-thug!
A republican, either yell into the telephone mic or just don't bother - on second thought - what the hell?! Yell and make a rachet. Tell him or her you ain't taking anymore of this!! That it means his or her, . . . 'foot.'!
HA!
Well, there is "Doctored" Jonathan Livingston Pigeon, BDIFMNIP, and of, course, Reverend Oral Fleece, Strait From the Street and Not From the Police (Pasture of the Church of the "HOW BIG IS YOUR WALL- How Small Is Your Mine."
And, others that I use when avoiding those pesky collectors.
Sounds like you dreamt that up.
SO, the terrible things don't seem to bother you so much--if the price is right!
You are perceptive! As a Left-Leaning Liberal, I am twisted, too. Are you, Ho-Ho?
That correct. BTW: You are behind in your payments!
Those posts of your are blistering examples of abuse!
La tome est délicieuse!
Gracias, amigo. Mucho gusto en conocrele!
Estás fuera de mi mente
Thank you, thank you. I am so needy for praise. I even pay for it.
See - you are not alone.
If things get bad, I'll send over my imaginary friend "Comrade Adam" to cheer you up. He can tell you not so funny Russian jokes. Which pretty much sums up Russian jokes.
Thank you, Bob Nelson. I love your profile photo and promised not to share it with Federal Authority.
"We get moose and squirrel."
The best TV show ever!
Somehow, I knew I could.
After a forced hiatus, I have returned to my much reviled blogs, Eat The Press Do Not Read It.
As some of you know, our Journalistic Creed is:
"The public right to know every damn thing about every damn thing, including every damn person, supersedes our Right to tell the truth, so we don't.