EAT THE PRESS - DO NOT READ IT - A Primer Fer Maroons

  
By:  Eat The Press Do Not Read It  •  4 months ago  •  34 comments


EAT THE PRESS - DO NOT READ IT - A Primer Fer Maroons
"I didn't know I was so damn dumb." - Maroon

Sponsored by group SiNNERs and ButtHeads

SiNNERs and ButtHeads


CAUTION:    This TOME is not, yet, rated!


Viewer discretion is advised! Violence, Vulgarity, Left-Wing Sentiments, Sexual Situations are all included, at  NO EXTRA COST !

(Unless you want to pay more to upgrade your membership).

Within this trusted site, one will find, "All the things that we wish were in an article, that aren't! The real down and dirty stuff that grinds your soul, until it explodes.

(Read at your peril).


Now, lettuce, unpeel this onion.

If you are bored, have shabby taste in literature. . . you SHOULD read this shabbily written, CLASSLESS, piece of  DRIBBLE  written in a fury, by the less than esteemed, Jonathan Livingston Pigeon-Poo, "Doctored."

If you don't think I am  "doctored,"  just take a gander in my medicine cabinet. I take 17 kinds of medications. I even take one to remind me to take my medications.

If I ain't "doctored," who the Hell is?
196
Brothers &  Sistas  of the  Corn Hole De-Generation   now is the time to make that call that you have been "wanting to do" for so long.  

Pick up the phone, Sport, dial the number for your local MENTAL HEALTH facility, and tell them you need an appointment,  "Right this Damn Minute!"

It worked for me. 

Now, I am institutionalized within the luxurious confines of the  Dick Cheney Nursing Home For Disgruntled Republicans  where "Water Boarding Is a Therapy, Not a Torture!" 

Sin-cerely, if you have to sin, at all!

- Jonathan Livingston Pigeon-Poo, "Doctored," Publisher & Flounder of Eat The Press - Do Not Read It!

Located in that lovely, but, nearly all torn-down Village of Mildew, Ohio, where there are  NO JOBS - NOT EVEN BLOW  JOBS!

(I warned you it might be offensive, especially, if you live in a bubble of religious mumble. It is the real world I speak to, not the Trump Alternate Reality of a Reality-TV Celebrity!)



384

TAKE A DAMN BREAK!  Don't you have anything better to do? 


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Eat The Press Do Not Read It
1  author  Eat The Press Do Not Read It    4 months ago

For years, well decade, perhaps, centuries many of my most ardent admirers have "bedeviled" me too "SHUT UP!"

But, I refused TO BE silenced. Like Trump, my ideal, I double down when confronted by REALITY. How do you duck reality?

Read at your own peril.

Send MONEY, Honey, no complaints, and no contaminated Onions.

 
 
 
Eat The Press Do Not Read It
2  author  Eat The Press Do Not Read It    4 months ago

I always start my day with my Morning Trump. You should, too. Don't Forget to WIPE Your Pence. That thing is more TOXIC than your Trump Dump.

 
 
 
JBB
3  JBB    4 months ago

I surely do wish they taught these facts in Texas...

 
 
 
Eat The Press Do Not Read It
3.1  author  Eat The Press Do Not Read It  replied to  JBB @3    4 months ago

My advice, "MOVE!"

I worked at KENS-TV in San Antonio, as a "gofer" (Go orf this, Go for that), when I returned from Vietnam. I loved it, I was stationed at Fort Sam Houston and was introduced to community theater, because my Sgt. stated, "you are no use to the Army. Try out for the Theater, Clown." So, I did, and fill in love with the sound of "One Hand Clapping." 

I assumed that the other one was "pleasuring one's self." Though, I didn't observe it. Whenever I got close to an audience member they screamed and ran the other way.

I should have been a Horror Actor. I like Whores!

I gave up my television career to attend the University of Houston, where I majored in Theater and Girls. It was at U of H where I formed my first comedy group, Three Minus One. I was the Minus One.

We won a talent contest for Six Fags, er, "Flags" Over Texas, and moved to Arlington, Texas, where I had difficulty renting an apartment for my Comedy Group because my hair was a tad bit long. No "burr hair cut" for me.

We performed 5 shows a day, during the Summer of 1968, in a musical called, "TV BC," which I co-wrote with the Hollywood writer who penned the original script.

I was granted permission to make as many changes as necessary, put, not paid a dime more. We were not paid much over that.

Since we only had 20 minutes of stolen comedy material, we inserted several "Semi-Original Blackout Skits" that we stole from Vaudeville routines. 

I, and, one of my comedy teammates headed to Hollywood, CA seeking fame and fortune. We came close!

We found famine, and, eviction notices for non-payment. 

I wrote for Richard Pryor, Pat Paulsen, Paul Mooney, Laugh-In, Johnnie Carson's periodic quest who predicted the Future.

Naturally, as a "decertified" psychic, I wrote the predictions, and the guest/star claimed them as his own.

Texas was good, and, odd to me, being a "Born-Again Left-Leaning Liberal," I often had to watch my words, which is difficult to do when someone is shoving their fist in your face for confessing that I was a "Yankee."

That is a "No-No" in the Confederate South. They didn't get the Memo, "Civil War Is OVER, Arse Wipe! Get the Freakin' Frack over it!"

Nice to hear from you, JBB.  Love your hard-hitting, no bull chip posts!

PS:

Please don't get angry at me. I am very sensitive. Grammarly, my Spell/Grammar Checker notified me that there are 12 mistakes in this reply and for an additional $99 they can upgrade my subscription. Do you have $99?

 
 
 
Account Deleted
3.1.1  Account Deleted  replied to  Eat The Press Do Not Read It @3.1    4 months ago

Never apologize for spelling.

Tell people it's the way the British spell it.

Never apologize for being a comedy writer.

It was either that or go into politics.

When they ask you where you are from - tell them - France .

No one really likes France but then no one really dislikes France either. Mainly most people don't think about France except maybe the French.

 
 
 
Paula Bartholomew
3.1.2  Paula Bartholomew  replied to  Eat The Press Do Not Read It @3.1    4 months ago

I was also stationed at Ft. Sam more than once.

 
 
 
Eat The Press Do Not Read It
3.1.3  author  Eat The Press Do Not Read It  replied to  Account Deleted @3.1.1    4 months ago

Thank you, my childhood-phobias have been dispelled.

I am now a Frenchman, Jean Robare! (Aka, John K. Roberts) me, non-pen, non-de-plunders, or, as they say in 'Murica, the name one uses when facing a judge.

It feels as if the screw that was loose within me head is tightened. Again, thank you.

Are you a practicing psychiatrist, or, a quack. Either is fine with me. Not that I am probing, mind you!

 
 
 
Eat The Press Do Not Read It
3.1.4  author  Eat The Press Do Not Read It  replied to  Paula Bartholomew @3.1.2    4 months ago

I like it, too!

I arrived in 1963-65 before I was shipped off to Vietnam to the 8th RRU, in Phu Bia, where I worked in the typing pools, suffering many "paper cuts," and long term debilitation from the overuse of "White-Out" fumes.

My numerous requests for VA compensation have repeatedly been denied. Doesn't the Army realize how important typing up charges for "smoking reefer in a combat zone" played so significant of a factor in that CONFLICT?

At 78.8.9 years, I am rapidly approaching my EXPIRATION DATE and seeking compensation so that I might buy my way into the other side. 

The one with less heat.

I still have fond memories of my time there and when I returned to work at KENS-TV in San Antonio.

Thanks, Paula for stirring up these pleasant memories.

BTW:  I like your post. They are solid!


 
 
 
CB
3.1.5  CB   replied to  Eat The Press Do Not Read It @3.1    4 months ago

So that's it in the altogether with you? A sum total of $99.00? Okay, sell me your joke book!

 
 
 
Eat The Press Do Not Read It
3.1.6  author  Eat The Press Do Not Read It  replied to  CB @3.1.5    4 months ago

Joke Book? 

I am a font of Wisdom. The psychic gateway to every Mickey's D's in the world.

Joke Bood, indeed.

 
 
 
CB
3.1.7  CB   replied to  Eat The Press Do Not Read It @3.1.6    4 months ago

I want that 'book' and I want it now! This is an official stick-up: Take the money (when it arrives), send the jokes, or else - Nurse Rachet gets time off! You follow my drift?!

Oh yeah. Call your congress people NOW!

[This little "negotiation" is to be kept separate from our other dealings!]

(Smiles.)

 
 
 
Eat The Press Do Not Read It
3.1.8  author  Eat The Press Do Not Read It  replied to  CB @3.1.7    4 months ago

Me latest creation is languishing. Trumpers hate it. It is so difficult for me to please them. Enjoy. Hope you enjoyed it as much as I did writing it.



It is good to have a friend, again!

 
 
 
Eat The Press Do Not Read It
4  author  Eat The Press Do Not Read It    4 months ago

Generally, I talk to myself on this site. I get entirely too many Right-Wing commentators who want to do terrible things to my body, but, don't want to pay for them.

They are the ones that always want something for nothin'!

 
 
 
Gsquared
4.1  Gsquared  replied to  Eat The Press Do Not Read It @4    4 months ago

Generally, I talk to myself on this site. 

You do keep up quite a repartee...

 
 
 
Eat The Press Do Not Read It
4.1.1  author  Eat The Press Do Not Read It  replied to  Gsquared @4.1    4 months ago

Thank you, Gsquared. I have here of a T-Square. I used it in my drafting class for dueling.

What does Gsquared mean?

 
 
 
Gsquared
4.1.2  Gsquared  replied to  Eat The Press Do Not Read It @4.1.1    4 months ago

The initials of my first and last names are G.G.   Someone I knew from high school used to call me Gsquared sometimes.

Even better, my middle initial is A.  So that's GAG.  Either joke or choke, I guess...

 
 
 
Eat The Press Do Not Read It
4.1.3  author  Eat The Press Do Not Read It  replied to  Gsquared @4.1.2    4 months ago

Very cool.

In College, I earned the nickname, "Little Johnnie Jump Up," because I always had an opinion on everything, especially things I knew NOTHING about.

Stay in touch!

 
 
 
Account Deleted
4.2  Account Deleted  replied to  Eat The Press Do Not Read It @4    4 months ago
Generally, I talk to myself on this site

This could be dangerous unless you maintain at least 6 feet of social distancing. If all of you wear a mask though - you might be OK.

Do you have names for yourselves? If not, how can you tell each other apart?

 
 
 
Eat The Press Do Not Read It
4.2.1  author  Eat The Press Do Not Read It  replied to  Account Deleted @4.2    4 months ago

Excellent Advice. Frankly, I have forgotten to Social Distance between me Pen Names. From this moment forward I shall enforce the mandate, as well as wearing a mask.

Anyone that refuses, goes back in me head.

To dissuade "creditors," I have several non-de plumes:

1. Jonathan Livingston Pigeon-Poo, "Doctored!" (If you don't think I am "doctored," just take a gander in me medicine cabinet. I take 17 medicine. Even one to remind me to take me meds.

2. Reverend Oral Fleece, Pasteur of the "Church of the How Big Is Your Wallet, How Small Is Your Mind."

3. Drs. Ding-Dong & Ding-A-Ling, conjoined Siamese Twin. One is a Medical Doctor, the other is a Vet.  That way client can get their shots and see the vet simultaneously.

4. Wintrope Merridethe, Da Turd, in honor of a college mate who had done me wrong. He is the Flounder of the Bird Droppings Institue For Morons, No Idiots, Please!

Others come to me in the night, but, leave in the morning. Do you have this malady, too?


 
 
 
CB
4.2.2  CB   replied to  Eat The Press Do Not Read It @4.2.1    4 months ago

There is Nurse Betty, but she ain't you though! A sweet girl. I like her too. Carries a 'black bottle' around on her work site at the nursing home.

 
 
 
Eat The Press Do Not Read It
4.2.3  author  Eat The Press Do Not Read It  replied to  CB @4.2.2    4 months ago

I know Nurse Ratchet, she carries a hatchet around with her to encourage residents to take their meds. She has a 100% compliance rate.

How are you, my friend?

I miss talking with you, although I have no idea what you are talking about. I do like your typing. Stay in touch!

 
 
 
CB
4.2.4  CB   replied to  Eat The Press Do Not Read It @4.2.3    4 months ago

Nurse Rachet! That's her. Nurse Betty comes in for emergencies only!  "Black bottle Specials!"  I am fine, Champ! How 'fights'? Call your congress people right now! This can't stand - Trump and his senators talking to Russia on "trumped-up" fake reasons during an election season. If we let this go—what does that JERK we call a president and his comrades have up their sleeve next.

Congress th?id=OIP.V25rmKF_879zDCNoMYuhUwHaFj&w=231&h=160&c=8&rs=1&qlt=90&pid=3.1&rm=2

Call. You can look up the direct dial number for your member of Congress or you can call the U.S. House switchboard at (202) 225-3121 to be connected to any number. Use snail mail. Find the contact information for your Representative from the House website or a current reference book, and send a letter.

R ussia = ReD PARty Republicans!

Just so you know. You do this for me and yourself, and I will tell Nurse Rachet to stay on the job and you won't have any need for er—an emergency treatment! (Chuckles!)

 
 
 
Eat The Press Do Not Read It
4.2.5  author  Eat The Press Do Not Read It  replied to  CB @4.2.4    4 months ago

Thank you!

Nurse Rachet is tearing me a new one. I am sending my newest piece to my Representative and asking him to read it to CONGRESS.

What do you think are my odd that he will wipe his bum with it instead? He a Re-thug!

 
 
 
CB
4.2.6  CB   replied to  Eat The Press Do Not Read It @4.2.5    3 months ago

A republican, either yell into the telephone mic or just don't bother - on second thought - what the hell?! Yell and make a rachet. Tell him or her you ain't taking anymore of this!! That it means his or her, . . . 'foot.'!

 
 
 
CB
4.2.7  CB   replied to  CB @4.2.6    3 months ago
". . .make a ratchet."

HA!

 
 
 
Texan1211
4.3  Texan1211  replied to  Eat The Press Do Not Read It @4    4 months ago
I get entirely too many Right-Wing commentators who want to do terrible things to my body, but, don't want to pay for them.

Sounds like you dreamt that up.

SO, the terrible things don't seem to bother you so much--if the price is right!

 
 
 
Eat The Press Do Not Read It
4.3.1  author  Eat The Press Do Not Read It  replied to  Texan1211 @4.3    4 months ago

You are perceptive! As a Left-Leaning Liberal, I am twisted, too. Are you, Ho-Ho?

 
 
 
Bob Nelson
5  Bob Nelson    4 months ago

La tome est délicieuse!

 
 
 
Eat The Press Do Not Read It
5.1  author  Eat The Press Do Not Read It  replied to  Bob Nelson @5    4 months ago

Gracias, amigo. Mucho gusto en conocrele!

 
 
 
MonsterMash
5.1.1  MonsterMash  replied to  Eat The Press Do Not Read It @5.1    4 months ago

Estás fuera de mi mente

 
 
 
Eat The Press Do Not Read It
5.2  author  Eat The Press Do Not Read It  replied to  Bob Nelson @5    4 months ago

Thank you, thank you. I am so needy for praise. I even pay for it.

 
 
 
Account Deleted
5.2.1  Account Deleted  replied to  Eat The Press Do Not Read It @5.2    4 months ago

See - you are not alone.

If things get bad, I'll send over my imaginary friend "Comrade Adam" to cheer you up. He can tell you not so funny Russian jokes. Which pretty much sums up Russian jokes.

 
 
 
Kavika
6  Kavika     4 months ago

36z1tx.jpg

 
 
 
Gsquared
6.1  Gsquared  replied to  Kavika @6    4 months ago

"We get moose and squirrel."

The best TV show ever!

 
 
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