Patel Hopes to Look Sober by Scheduling Joint Appearance With Hegseth
By: Andy Borowitz
S E E D E D C O N T E N T
Andy Borowitz Apr 21, 20265699351Share
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Amid allegations of heavy drinking, FBI Director Kash Patel is hoping to seem sober by scheduling a joint appearance with Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, sources close to Patel revealed on Tuesday.
"I need to hold a press conference with Pete after he's been on an epic bender," Patel reportedly told his staff. "If you can't find him, get Jeanine Pirro."
Appearing with Hegseth carries with it certain risks, however, as Pentagon staffers have reported that merely standing next to him has made them drunk.
But Patel told sources he is desperate to "do anything" to save his job, sobbing, "I can't go back to flying coach."
Trolling, taunting, spamming, and off topic comments may be removed at the discretion of group mods. NT members that are known plagiarists, repeat comments, or continue to disrupt/deflect the conversation risk having all of their comments deleted. Please remember to quote the person(s) to whom you are replying to preserve continuity of this seed. Any use of the phrase "Trump Derangement Syndrome" or the TDS acronym in a comment will be deleted. Any use of the term "Brandon", "Traitor Joe", or any variations thereof, when referring to President Biden, will be deleted. Right wing trolls can expect to have their irrelevant questions and comments deleted. Posting debunked lies will be subject to deletion. Use of the terms "leftist" or "lefty" will also be subject to deletion. ©
Tags
Who is online
124 visitors
Once you've had lobster it's difficult to eat canned tuna after that
So the day after 'Ladies Night' at the local clubs where Petey has tried to find a new younger model tradwife?
I wonder if Rodney Dangerfield's quote works for alcoholics as well.
If you want to look sober, hang out with drunk people...????