Forget Trump's indictments. We should be worried about China's man-bear hybrids.

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Forget Trump's indictments. We should be worried about China's man-bear hybrids.

I know a covert bear cover-up when I see one. And if you ask me, this goes way deeper than just some Hangzhou Zoo intern dressed up as a sun bear.

Climate change may be causing our faces to melt off and former President Donald Trump might be getting indicted every other day or so, but there’s a far more pressing issue most Americans are missing:  Chinese man-bears .

Unless your internet melted in the most recent heat wave, you should know about  a viral video from a zoo in China's Zhejiang province  showing a bear standing upright on two legs and, at one point,  appearing to wave  at human visitors.

This sparked a flurry of sensible social media speculation that the Malayan sun bear at Hangzhou Zoo might actually be a dude wearing a bear costume, probably because the video looks EXACTLY like a dude wearing a bear costume.

I've seen bears and I've seen dudes in bear costumes and that's DEFINITELY a dude in a bear costume

The bear is standing up straight in very human-like fashion. Its fur around the back  appears a bit wrinkled up , like it’s an ill-fitting costume. And, as previously mentioned, it waved at people.

Zoo denies sun bear is actually human in  a suit amid internet conspiracy.  Angela, a Malayan sun bear has the internet wondering if she's actually a human in a costume.  The Hangzhou Zoo says none of its bears are humans. Viral Press / AP

Even more suspiciously,  zoo officials reacted swiftly to the internet rumors  by saying the sun bear is “definitely not a human.” That seems a bit too defensive. And it’s just what I would say if I were trying to get people to believe my dude-in-a-bear-suit ruse.

Chinese zoo controversy over a sun bear on two feet is too suspicious

Local media  quoted a zoo official  saying: “Our zoo is government-run, so that kind of situation would not happen.”

Right. That’s the same kind of response American officials give when you ask them where the alien spacecraft we’ve recovered are located. (THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE!)

The zoo  also put a quote from the bear in question , Angela, on its website: “Let me emphasize again: I am a sun bear! Not a black bear! Not a dog! It's a sun bear!”

Sure thing “Angela,” if that is your real bear name. You think I just stumbled out of a den below the roots of a tree in a coniferous forest yesterday?

At Hangzhou Zoo in Hangzhou, in China's eastern Zhijiang province, on Aug. 1. 2023. STD, AFP, Via Getty Images

Who are you going trust, a bear expert or your gut?

Of course a bunch of zoologist or bear-ologists or whatever they call themselves raced out to defend China’s alleged sun bear. Wong Siew Te, a wildlife biologist and the founder of the Bornean Sun Bear Conservation Centre in Malaysia,  told NBC News that Angela  is “for sure” a sun bear.

“Sun bears could be very human-like,”  he said . “They stand like humans and walk like humans.”

Sure thing, buddy. We suddenly see a bear in China that’s clearly a dude in a bear suit and you say, “Nothing to see here, folks. These bears have always stood and walked like humans. Duh.”

It's clear the Chinese plan to use human/bear hybrids to spread propaganda

I know a covert bear cover-up when I see one. And if you ask me, this goes way deeper than just some Hangzhou Zoo intern dressed up as a sun bear. No, I think what the internet witnessed at that zoo is the first clear sign that China has created a human/bear hybrid that it will use to infiltrate our zoos and forests, spreading communism and stealing our precious American pic-a-nic baskets and whatnot.

America's attempts at a human/bear hybrid have, so far, been failures.  Courtesy of Warner Bros.

Think about it. If you bred a dude/bear hybrid with communist leanings and wanted to take it for a test drive, the most logical spot would be a zoo. Then once the hubbub over your upright, waving, obviously part-human bear comes, you can just deny it and say, “Oh, please. It’s just a regular ol’ bear, folks. Nothing to worry about. And by the way, have you considered a classless society with communal ownership of all the major means of production? ”

Trump's indictments might be a big deal, but don't sleep on this Chinese bear problem

We Americans should be worried. We may be wrestling with climate change and a former president facing myriad criminal charges, but it’s clear we’re also losing the human/bear-hybrid race to China.

That’s unacceptable. After all, we’re the country that created the right to bear arms. So we need to get cooking on our pro-democracy human/bear hybrids and disperse them to the zoos and forests of our enemies.

Failure would be unbearable. (I apologize for nothing.)