You Got Jokes ? Or Do You Got Jokes?!!
This is the Funny Room! And NO!
That Ain't What You 'Thank' It is!
2020 was tart. A real twisted story and so we need to do something funny. Real funny!
Post a "I Got Jokes" moment one-liner or prose and we're be the judge of its ability to liven up a room in 2021. Pull from the joke makers. And yo! Give proper credit when you do!
Here, let me do the honors of starting this off. Not up here!
Down there ⇣
Lisa Lampanelli on Comedy Central Roast Flava Flav:
"Carrot Top! I used to think they called you carrot top because of your red hair. . . now I know it's because everyone would love to see you buried up to your FOREHEAD in dirt!"
I've got a red head joke as well.
ONE EYED REDHEAD
A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air and handed it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks.. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The bloke was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every man you meet?'
'No,' she replies.
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( The suspense is killing you, isn't it )
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She said .........
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" You're just the first man who happened to catch my eye. "
HA!
"catch my eye." I got it!
This is one that I learned in high school some time.
What do a penis and a Rubix cube have in common?
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The more you play with them, the harder they get.
Ohhhhhhhhh! Is that really true?
. . . about the Rubix, I mean. (Smile.)
Sometimes.
Don't clean anything up! The best jokes 'bust' it!
Actually that could sometimes apply to ...both!
A clean one...
What do you call a sleeping bull?
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A bulldozer.
Your mom's so ugly, she tried out for the play, and got the part of the horse.
Credit: My six year old son.
Yo' moma - got jokes!
True story. Running yo-mama jokes with my other son, and the little one drops that on us. Then he cried, because we started laughing...Apparently, we are assholes too often, and he took the laughter as an insult. That was several years ago, now that kid's comedic timing and insight are even sharper. May have let him watch too much Chappelle with me back in the day.
School of hard 'knocks' is OPEN.
LOL! (What you got thar on a 'back-hoe'?)
Eddie Murphy character study joke:
I once saw a Murphy joke so funny that I can't even reproduce it properly:
" I have a buddy in the Army who been away from home so long, and his girlfriend has been seen with so many dudes around here, when he returns home - I advise him to drive his girl down to the police station and get her dusted down for fingerprints!"
If anyone besides me remember this one - 'hit me up' I need help to do better!
Jimmy Stewart roast
LaWanda PAGE brings vintage funny with a few of the greatest jokers of 'roasters'!
A Minister, a Priest, a Rabbi and an Imam walk into a bar.
The bartender looks ups and says:
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What is this-- some kind of a joke?
HA!
(Also, you commenters with the ". . . . " are . . . unexpected.) (Biggest grin ever.)
I really hope this wasn't just made up, and is actually a true story.
The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid-term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.
The answer by this student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+
Okay! That alone drove it 'in' deep! (Yukking it up!)
Good one Buzz. I'll have to remember that the next time someone asks me if Hell is exothermic.
" Don't be fooled by Pamela Anderson's dumb blond routine, this woman is. . .
as smart as a rock !"
Jimmy Kimble. Comedy Central Roast Of Pamela Anderson.
She just married her bodyguard, or just exposed that fact. Makes me think of the movie "The Bodyguard" with Kevin Costner and Whitney Houston.
WOW!
PAMELA ANDERSON I MARRIED MY BODYGUARD ... Fell In Love In Lockdown
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Okay; be better than me! Is this kind of thing love, memorex, or oversexed? Lockdown the new 'romancing the stone'?
AMAZING that you mentioned that movie. I saw it years ago, and just within the last day I started thinking of a few scenes from it - the water slide, the "mule", the Xerox that didn't work etc.
In that case, I'd better start thinking about brushing up on it! Check!
Two Irishmen walk out of a bar.
You got jokes! HA!
LOL! And, you got jokes too! Brrr!
C'mon. I know you want to make us fall down laughing, coughing, spitting, hacking, all around blowing chunks. Hand it over - NOW!
(We're not hard judges. And we want you to succeed!)
Okay, I teased about this one the other day. So here goes.
The Little Rascals were sitting in class when the teacher asked Spanky, "Can you use the word beautiful in a sentence?" He thought for a minute and piped up "Darla, you look beautiful today."
Teacher said "Very good Spanky. Now, Alfalfa, can you use the word lovely in a sentence?" He thinks a few seconds and says "Darla, you look lovely today."
"Very good Alfalfa."
Next she went to Buckwheat. "Buckwheat can you use the word dictate in a sentence?" That was a tough one he thought. Then his eyes lit up and he thought "I've got it!" He looked lovingly at Darla and said "Hey Darla. How'd my dictate lat night?"
The teacher passed out................
HA! You got jokes! Mic drop!
Okay, homosexual joking around:
"Sit on it, CB!"
Paging Tig, Sandy, and Gordy! What is a great logic joke? And would you like us all to roll around on the this floor laughing at its delivery?
Get it - "Paging"?!
HEY! I've heard a rumor that somebody overheard a group of people who were listening to you say:
You Got Jokes!
Wisdom MOMENT
S/he who sits on the red-hot stove. . . Shall Surely RISE!
- David Banks (AKA: Reverend Banks.)
Racy. Classy. Crappy.
You won't believe who roast whom in this one!
WARNING! This is the 70's when men were 'beast' so of course Richard Pryor is gon' slap some CRAP down hard. He is going to step on any 'hoses' and "slits' he finds laying around in free-fall.
FOREWARNED IS 'ARMED!
Relate and Appreciate!