Childhood in a House of Horrors, Part 2
At 19, I got married for the first time, just to get away from Louise, and went from the frying pan into the fire. He was jealous, always accusing me of messing with his brothers, his Dad, the mailman and every other man that dared get within my eyesight. He didn't want me to even hand my underwear on the clothesline, and getting a job was out of the question till we bought a mobile home. THEN he needed more money, so I went to work in a sewing factory, but he took care of my paycheck of $65.00 a week. I got none of the money, but again, that was the way it was back then. When we separated, he went to Louise and was sleeping with her for awhile, and she blamed me for that. Nothing unusual about that though.
We were married for 4 1/2 years, and I had enough, so I took off. I found out later that HE had been cheating on ME the whole time we were married. I moved up to the state capitol and made a new life there. Through out this, I tried to maintain contact with Louise so I could try and make her love me.
I got a job, took care of my own money, and met new people. Then in 1974, I got raped and strangled. I had gone to work cleaning houses after the painter finished painting, and the boss did it. This happened about55-60 miles from home, and the Sherriff's department got me a bus ticket. I had called Louise and asked her if I could go see her for a coupleof days and told her what happened. Her reply? Word for word: "Go home and go to bed, you will be ok in the morning. Maybe this will teach you not to ask for it." I then called a police officer friend in my town and asked him if he would meet me at the bus station. This man stayed past his working hours and met me when I got off the bus. I will always love that man for that. I told him what had gone on, including what Louise told me, and he actually listened and cared about it.
Couple of years later, I wrote to Louise and told her how I felt about the treatment she gave me, and she sent a letter back telling me if I got a job and quit whoring around she would deal with me, but as long as I made a living on my back, she wanted nothing to do with me.Beaten again, but with words this time.
Fast forward to 2003. I was 55 and that is the time I said this is the end. My beloved Aunt was dying, and I was the one that kept Louise up on what was going on with it here in this county. I even bought her a calling card with a lot of minutes on it so she could call the hospital and it wouldn't have come out of her cheap assed pockets. She immediately gave it to my sister so HER boyfriend could call his folks up in NY. When the time came for the last visit by the family, I called her to let her know that the hospital was calling the family in and she needed to get here. This evil bitch started cussing, ranting, and screaming at me over a damn coffee table. All of a sudden something snapped within me and I told her when Aunt May died someone else would let her know because I had no intentions of talking to her ever again, and I hung up on her. Let me tell you something, friends. It felt like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders, and for the first time in my miserable life, I felt FREE!
When Aunt May's funeral was held, Louise came down here for that in dirty sneakers, jeans, and a stained T shirt, and I KNOW she had better clothes than that. The two sisters were about as bad. They looked like total white trash, and I was so ashamed to even get near them. I didn't have clothes for a funeral, but someone here was kind enough to loan me a nice dress to wear, and I at least looked decent. I owed my wonderful Aunt that much.
Now, let me tell you what I still have from this. I have a raging case of PTSD from the abuse, and fibromyalgia. There are some researchers that are saying that fibro can start from trauma suffered in childhood. I am almost deaf in one ear, have an indentation in my skull, and if one raises their hand at me as if they are going to hit me, they get an ass kicking before I can stop myself. I have scars on my body from my neck on down, and still to this day, I'm asking myself why she couldn't/wouldn't/didn't love me. I guess I will never have the answer to that one. I have kept my word to her, because I have not spoken to her since 2003, and I don't intend to. I have no feelings toward her, no love, no hate. No feelings at all.
I don't want pity from anyone for this. If anything, I want recognition that I got through this without usingsome criminal'sexcuse of rotten childhood. I have NEVER been in jail in my life, and I have NEVER worked a job that I would be ashamed for anyone to find out about. Most of all, I would NEVER, EVER bring hurt to any child. I know all too well what it feels like, I have the mental and physical scars to prove it. But I SURVIVED!!!
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Sometimes, survival is about all we can do-- but you have done much more than that. You have become a loving, kind person, who cares for others around you. Whatever Louise did to you-- and it was a lot-- you have managed to make something very positive out of it. Not only have you survived, you have THRIVED.
That is a LOT to be proud of!
Much love to you!
Thank you so much for the kind words, my precious friend. They mean so much to me, and I very much appreciate them. But, you have been like that for all the years I've known you.
And yes, I am proud that I could live through that, but there were times that I had my doubts.
Ditto my comment on Part 1.
Kavika, thank you for reading and your comments. It means a lot to me; you are my Big Brother and I know I am safe talking to you.
As you lead by example, I know there will be many people who will never have to suffer and endure what you have because of your tenderness, toughness, strength and caring for others.
Thank you Leotie for sharing your soul.
1stwaarrior, thank you so much. You don't know how much I appreciate that as I was afraid when putting this story on here out of a private group that someone would have a smart ass comment to make, and I would go ballistic on them. Even though I don't have any contact with that woman anymore, it's still a sore spot for me.
I very much appreciate the kindness and great comments. You all are truly the family I never had, and it feels so good to me. I am safe, comforted, loved and cared for by a group of people I have never met face to face. I can feel the love and caring coming from all of you.
Leoti , , , YOU ARE WOMAN! I can only hope that writing has given you some kind of release from all of the horror in your childhood. You are definitely a SURVIVOR, not a victim anymore. (((Leotie )))
tzia, yes, I did release more that I didn't know was there. It was hard, writing this, and I did cry through part of it. But a good friend asked me to tell my story, and even though I was nervous about it, here it is. I hope that somewhere along the line, someone can get something good from it in that they are not alone. Doesn't matter if they reply or not, if they feel they're not alone in the pain they went through, that's good enough for me.
I never confronted my abuser and really wish I had. She was a mean worthless woman and I know for a fact I was not the only one she sexually .abused. But you are a very tough and wonderful person you've always went way beyond what your family deserved. The fact no one stepped in to help only exacerbates the whole situation. My step fatherssister was a lot like your mother andit was quite similar to your situationandmy familytook in herthree children for a couple of years while I was a kid. Don't remember much about that. It seems odd but just not much memories there. Fortunately my Biological father died when I was six or sevenhe was not a very nice man. He beat my mother when he came home drunk which was most of the time. Your a strong person and have done well for yourself and endured far more than any one should. Unlike you I have feelings hateful feelings toward my abuser who took my innocence away.
retired, I don't know how old you are, but it took me 53 years to do anything really positive towards my abuser. The day will come when you finally say or think "I don't need to live the rest of my life like this." When that day comes, you will have a rush of peace and contentment. It might take a long time, everyone is different.
I really hate what happened to you and you need to always remember that it was NOT your fault, and you had no control over the situation. The feelings of being worthless,uglyand dirty stayed with me even after I stopped speaking to her. One day, I walked into the bathroom and for the first time in years, I looked in the mirror and realized that while I might not be the best looking woman around, I am NOT ugly. I can tell you without seeing you that you are not ugly, dirty OR worthless. In spite of what happened to you, you are a smart, caring, and beautiful person. I've read a lot of your posts, and can see that you are intelligent.
I am going to send you an email with my private email so if you want, please contact me. It's a little more private than this.
The ordeals of your years have made you a much stronger person and more gentle person traits that we should all strive for.
Thank you Larry.
When things happen that trigger those things, it brings out the anger in me and I have to restrain myself at times, so I am not all the time gentle. I try to maintain, though, I really do.
I understand what you mean I'm 67 years old and it still happens with me and there are times when it is very hard to stay strong without letting the anger out. Keep at it, I promise it does get better and easier as time goes on. Just be who you want to be, remember your are a good and kind person at heart and that is where it counts the most.
It took many years to get to be the person I want to be. I wanted to be someone who escaped the thought of never being good enough for her. That happened and I am forever grateful for that. She is a piss poor example of human kind.
One day before I gave up on her, I was visiting. One of her neighbors came in, and during the conversation, she told the woman that she was born to be a mama. I couldn't help it, I laughed at that one till I had tears coming out my eyes. Never did tell her what was so funny, either.
WOW! Thank you for sharing your story. I am so proud of your strength. Just making it through how you were treated is one thing, but treating others as they want/need to be treated, instead of passing on to others how YOU were treated makes you doubly strong. I am proud. Hope your story helps others on the same journey.
KatPen, thank you so much for the reply.
I don't know about being strong, it doesn't feel like that most of the time. When my friend, Nancy moved in here, one of the first things her sister said to me was that Nancy was mental, and would do strange things. She said if Nancy couldn't make it in here, she was going to put her in an Assisted Living Facility or a mental hospital.
I looked at Nancy's face, and I never saw that. What I saw was that she had been abused, used as something to make fun of and never allowed to be an adult. I saw the pain in her eyes and right on into her heart. Nancy and I started talking after she got moved in and I realized how right I was on the first impression. She is SMART, not retarded, she is a very loving and caring person, but I don't know if she will ever get rid of the fear of people hurting her. I do everything in my power to help her because I KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE!
She tells me she wants to be like me. Still can't figure that one out!