A friendly note from your local porn shop worker-Rant
I was perusing Craigslist today, and I noticed a section I had never noticed before called "best-of-craigslist". Thereis some seriously funny shit in there - this one was too funny:
Dear porn shop/adult store/lingerie boutique customers, here are some fabulous tips on how to not completely irritate me, the poor employee just barely keeping her rage in check behind the counter, also some etiquitte on how to behave in case your mother didn't teach you.
1. For the loud obnoxious 18-25 year olds. Yes I will readily admit that when I see a herd of you coming straight for my door I roll my eyes and groan. First of all lose the fucking attitude when I ask to see your ID. No not your high school id/college id/birth certificate...I need a state issued ID, passports/military ID will also work fine. If you do not have proper identification on your sorry bitch ass, I will, with great pleasure, ask you to leave. Don't get snippy because you haven't been asked before, I AM asking you now, and if you look under the age of 40 I am required to. Why is it that young kids think it makes them look cooler when they laugh REALLY loud and yell everything at one another. It makes you look pathetic and desperate for approval from your peers. Not to mention it scares away my legitimate customers who would have actually purchased something, had your dumbasses not shown up. Plus you rarely buy anything, probably for fear that daddy's princess will get caught with an illicit purchase on the credit card he no doubt pays for. So please, conduct yourselves as adults when you come in.
2. The fucktard mothers that want to bring their baby/toddler shopping. You bitches have got to be kidding me. IT'S AN ADULT STORE! There are penises everywhere. Do you really want your infant seeing that? Oh wait, ya you guys don't care because as long as you get to come shop for lingerie and dildos, you're happy as little clams. Fuck you. Your baby cannot come in. Don't have a tantrum when I tell you this either. Babysitters were created for a reason, use one!
3. Theifs...you douchebags truly are the bane of my existance. When you steal from me, I actually get bitched at by management. Regardless of the fact that I am alone, busy, and trying to get the store tidied up. Have you morons also failed to realize we have a surveillance system that could rival the pentagon? Seriously I see you put that shit up your shirt, and I'm locking you in and calling Spokane's Finest before you even are done attempting to conceal whatever lube/massage oil/vibrator you decided was worth going to jail for. Which is exactly where you will be going and the owner of my job really likes to press charges, not to mention has equipped his employees with tasers strong enough to take down a water buffalo. Don't fuck with me. That pair of crotchless panties isn't worth it I promise.
4. Don't be nervous about your purchase. Seriously I will not remember you
5 minutes after you walk out the door. You young guys don't need to stare at the pocket pussys for an hour before leaving empty handed. Just buy the thing. I don't give a fuck I promise. Older ladies who are too embarrassed to ask for help, dude chill out. Just tell me what you are looking for so we can both be done with this unpleasant experience. You are the one making this awkward.
5. My darling porn guys, you are great breed of customer for the most part. You come in quietly, find your dvd, and get the hell out. It works well for everyone involved. However there are a few of you that like to "browse" for 2 fucking hours. That is a bit much don't you think? Please just come into the store with a general idea of what you want to jerk it to...cause I have to wait for your fickle ass to leave before I can have a cigarette.
6. Stoners. You are a wonderful group of customers. You are always pleasant, laugh at my jokes, and usually make a purchase. My only complaint is that at times your guys smell like you're carrying a dead skunk around with you. Roll down your car windows and febreeze friends! Good lord ya'll reek sometimes.
7. Ok this one is bound to piss off some people but IDGAF! At my adult store we try to carry things for the BBW shopper...aka Fatty Friendly store. However please be reasonable when shopping. Lingerie runs small k? I wear a size SM and 6/8 pant at normal stores, at my work I wear a large and usually cannot pull off the boxed lingerie. So no need to scream, cry, or freak out when I recommend that your 240lb ass may not fit into a size medium. Also NO, I do not feel like taking 30 minutes to try to squeeze all your rolls into a corset. Hun, it's not going to help, you will just look like a walrus in rubber bands. Please let me put you in shit that will fit. Your man doesn't care what the tag says, but he will care if you have more rolls than pillsbury coming out of lingerie that is too small.
Please note that for the most part I like my job. It is not my calling in life, but pays the bills while I sort out my 20's a bit. I really do like most of my customers, and enjoy helping others find ways to have a more fulfillng sex life. If you all come in and treat myself and my coworkers with kindness, respect, and are not terrified of us, we will do our best to make it the easiest shopping experience of your life. To the aforementioned groups of people I was ranting about, well you know who you are, fix your shit and come back and see me. I don't remember you anyway.
Love and Furry Handcuffs
- Location: Spokane
Tags
Who is online
431 visitors
No, I am not the author (lol). I just thought I would share this person's wit with a wider audience. Check out the "best-of-craigslist" section for more funny stuff.
Yikes!- you do know that the NSA has recorded and archived your purchases, right?
It's the lactating nuns on unicycles dvd thatI'm concerned about.
Long as they're willing to release the information to the people who write the Guinness Book, I don't really care.