What's Love Got to Do with It? A Question of Faith and Marriage
I came across an interesting article in The Economist entitled, "Across the Aisles" that relates to interfaith marriages in the US. The numbers of such marriages have been steadily increasing over the past few decades and a new subject of focus is beginning to emerge. How do interfaith marriages perform and what impact do they have on society as a whole, from the point of view of religious beliefs? Upon reading the article, I decided to pose some questions to you, the readers: If you find yourself in love with a person of a different religious background and decide to marry them, would you come to an agreement in advance regarding which partner's religion would take precedence in matters such as child-rearing of future children, whether one or both religions would have equal status and influence, or whether you decide to drop both religious beliefs and go on an atheist path?
In the full flush of youth or the heat of a romance, it is very likely that both or one partner is willing to make adjustments, make allowances and be amenable to relinquishing their hitherto-held steadfast beliefs. Consent given once, however, can alter with the passage of time. Prenuptial agreements and prior authorizations willingly signed and agreed upon can become a source of rift in a marriage if either party changes their mind when trials and tribulations, wake-up calls to faith or other compelling circumstances occur. Sometimes, these changes lead to separation and divorce. Other times, they lead to compromise. It all depends upon the individuals involved and the strength of the relationship and the weakness of the faith in so far as it relates to the fundamentals of the relationship.
While most religions (not all) claim to have the same underlying beliefs in terms of the presence of god as the omnipotent entity and principles of morality follow along similar lines, we all know that the practice of the beliefs vary greatly. Rites, rituals and ceremonies such as baptism, communion, bar and bat mitzvah, ablutions and the like that are performed to mark major events and milestones in life are markedly different. And while these, in the younger people, become secondary to their love of a person, frequently they return 10 or 15 years into a marriage, when children come of age for them. Or, if parents find they need to instruct their children in religion in order to form the foundation and guidelines of their moral growth and discipline. Then, the issue of whether to instruct them as Christians, Jews, Muslims, Hindus or whatever the religious upbringing the parents have had becomes the battleground in the marriage, unless one of them doesn't care strongly about their faith and relents to the other or both are able to make a compromise together. Perhaps, they would choose to have both faiths taught and wisdom would dictate, one would hope, that after all, the purpose of all religions is essentially the same. In this case, faith is diluted because two faiths come together to create a more tolerant perspective of both.
It is important, perhaps, to remember that the very fact that two people of different religious convictions chose to marry shows a tolerance to begin with. Love overcame the barrier of differences of religion. If they can continue on that path of tolerance, it is very likely they will find common ground when conflict occurs. Thus, interfaith marriages can lead to societal changes in how religion is viewed and practiced. If more such marriages occur, would it benefit society as a whole? How would it impact the individual religions? Would they weaken the yoke of orthodox religious practices? Would they lead to a freer society? These are questions that deserve some thought.
The United States has a very diverse population. The merging of religions, or the dilution of them through marriage can, over time, reflect itself in a change in attitudes towards the concept of faith. Could you love someone enough to overcome your adherence to the faith you were raised in?
http://www.economist.com/news/united-states/21576125-welcome-sign-tolerance-or-dangerous-dilution-across-aisles
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Personally, I believe love needs to be the strongest element in a marriage.
Ha, looks like marriage is of no interest to folks, lol!
Here is my take on this discussion.
I think that intermarriage is up, because less people are religious.
If you are religious, then intermarriage is only a problem when there are children. If there are no children, no problem.
I know lots of interfaith couples. In the ones where faith was important to them, there was a problem. In the homes where both faiths were practiced, it became a tug of war for which holiday, faith schooling etc. came into play. If one faith was chosen, the other partner felt cheated after the children came. In other words, you must be true to yourself about what you believe and think about it in the long term. Most people don't and then there are problems.
I read once that Kirk Douglas said the biggest mistake he made in his life, was not raising his children in his faith... the regrets of an old man. That is something that everyone needs to think about when getting into such a relationship. Sadly, I don't think that love can concur all.
I am a Tartaric or more to the point, a NeoTantric. I have a belief in some sort of Supreme Divinity whatever she, he or it happens to be, which in my case, is a path to enlightenment. However, I am raising all three of my daughters in an environment devoid of religious context. I have taught them to chose their own path in life and whatever it is, I will support them. My oldest who is 17, chose her route at 13 and has not turned back.
I do not see myself settling down with a male, at least not in the conventional sense, regardless of his beliefs. Having said that, my life-mate can believe in any form of faith there is, or lack thereof. Love, in its higher form, will be our matrix. That same matrix does not see race, culture, nationality, disability or ethnicity as a factor...
We must have something in common, then, AeonPax! I am not Neotantric or "Tartaric", but I am agnostic and have raised my two daughters devoid of religion too. My oldest is 20 and perfectly comfortable being without it. The younger, at 13, appears to be equally so. They have upright moral character and compassion and a depth of vision that goes beyond themselves. It did not take religion for us to teach them that.
You don't think love can conquer all, Perrie? Well, I would have to say then the love isn't the strongest element in that relationship. You are right, though, about how faiths collide within a family when they are challenged. But, it does raise the question, doesn't it, that perhaps, love isn't really what marriage is about? Not always, anyway. What is positive about interfaith marriages is that it is a healthier trend for society. Out of a given number of such marriages, even if some fail, others do quite well. Slowly, over time, it has got to have some deeper influence on how people think about faith and religion.
If Jewel is your real name, your parents named you well! You know, Jewel, I can see the wonderful, calming influence your father's attitude had on you, despite the challenges and fears that your mother presented. I am not affiliated with religion either. I know families where one parent is atheist or agnostic and the other is not. I know those can work quite well because one partner, in your case your father, has the calmer approach, the non-believer approach which is likely to be more tolerant of the believer approach (as I can be, depending upon the individual I am dealing with). It probably becomes more combatant when two strong faiths collide.
I am so glad that your perspective reflects the gentleness of your father and the rationality that goes with it!
Wow, Jewell, you obviously have a rare and amazing story! I can only admire the father who raised you! What an incredible man!
Way to go, Barbara! See, it is possible to change the world, one marriage at a time!
Thank you for sharing this wonderful family story.
It isn't just among Jewish people, though, is it, Mickey? Fear of dilution is what prevents interfaith marriages in families where orthodox religious practices are observed, regardless of the religion involved. We hear horror stories of where some crazy father killed his daughter because she chose to marry outside of their faith - they do come up from time to time, you know.
Thank you for stopping by, Mickey -- always a pleasure to see you!
Good for you, Mickey! You have worked it out wonderfully!
You are right, Jewel - sneers mean nothing when you have your own convictions.
As a non-religious person, it is often difficult for me to reconcile the smart, productive people I see with the religious views that they espouse. An extension of that logical dissociation is the idea of interfaith marriages and the very real conflicts that can arise from such over something that (to me) is a total non-issue.
It is my feeling that religions have had their day and should be on the way out, yet it would seem that a fair amount of people are not of that opinion and continue to turn to religion when they should be turning to their neighbors, sans religion.
When broken down to the basic forms, most religions are the same in that religions give one a structured way for communities to interact. Marriage just happens to be one of those structures to exist in. It comes with definitions and proscriptions and above all it is used to maintain a sense of unity within a culture, whatever that culture may be.
Tradition is where we see the breakdown in interfaith marriage, because the differing faiths may have differing rituals and traditions. People who are deeply rooted to tradition will have more of a problem with this type of marriage, I would say, than people who are not as closely related to those traditions.
So, if there is a rise in the successful interfaith marriages, there probably is an increase in the numbers of people not bound by tradition, and maybe that would mean an increase in numbers of people not bound by faith. At least one could hope.
yes, Mickey, it is a growing trend, without doubt. Maybe the next generation will see even more of it!
Exactly what I hope, Brolly! Even I am not religious and try to understand why traditions and rituals become such an issue - to me, they would be a non-issue. But, the fact that people are learning to separate the rituals from the essence of faith, that is the most significant change, that interfaith marriages can bring about. Let's hope for the best, huh?
Learning what the difference is in both lust and - far more importantly - LOVE is in relationships is critical.
If you cannot love and are not in love with that other person do NOT have sex with them. Yes, obviously they may need an immediately lust fest visited upon them...but that may not be with you IF there is no love involved. Leave such people be so they can find someone that can love them and not merely lust after them.
There ARE total incompatible pairs out there:
I suspect that the Puritans and Amish have no knowledge of the multiple serial orgasm..possibly not of orgasms AT ALL and thus I cannot imagine getting married to one of them. Why would any sane female want to exit the planet with unused orgasms?
If she is going to scream Allah Akbar and then kill me after lovemaking...I think Ill pass on the Shariah law even being a male. Who knows if a pressure cooker could be kept around....etc. A marital "blow up" might take on epic proportions in the case of such a pairing.
I can tell you all from personal experience that if you are NOT part of the local religions majority fitting in in made impossible by those that ARE part of that majority. Thus such decisions as what to do with kids should really take the kids into account...dont you think? And if that means moving...believe me....MOVE.
Love in a relationship is well worth waiting for as a relationship without love is not worth being a part of.
Dear Friend Neetu2: This is an important topic. Thanks for posting it.
I my immediate and extended family I have no experience with interfaith marriage.
That said, as a Rabbi and a Chaplain I constantly interface with couples of Jewish and non-Jewish religions who are thinking of intermarrying, or have already done so. Some seek my counsel, others wish for me to marry them.
There is biology and there is theology. People are attracted and often marry for biology. The theology is there, but up front takes a back seat. It comes more to the fore over time as people re-settle back into their usual life patterns. Often this is prompted by questions of how to raise the children. All this is covered in your article and prologue. It re-appears in comments in this thread. I can only confirm what is already there.
There is the famous Woody Allen joke about the atheist and the agnostic who divorced. They fought constantly over which religion they should not raise their offspring.
Both from my theological perspective and by personality I do what I can to bring people together by accepting them for who they are, and respecting that for which they stand. That isn't moral relativism. It is working with people to achieve the best possible outcome.
There have been times in more isolated communities where most of the families have husband and wife of different religions by birth and nurture. I respect them all. I welcome them all, as I do for their children when I am called to conduct services, provide pastoral care, counsel, resolve disputes, educate, etc.
Often the one raised non-Jewish who is thinking about marry a spouse, not losing their heritage tells me up front or over time that of all the people in a family, Congregation or community I was the most religious and the one who first and most accepted them.
Interesting.
Peace, Abundant Blessings and the Divine Presence Abiding in Homes Where There is Peace Among All Family Members.
Enoch.