What do you think I should do?
Hey everyone,
It seems I have become the women and children rescue for my area. My son had a child with AK, so she and my grandaughter live with me. She just moved back to my home from Illinois after she became pregnant by a different guy. Now, I don't want to discuss her morals or lack of, because that should be her parent's job.
However, her mother is the type that a bad man is better than no man. Her father has had children out of wedlock while married to her mother, so I'm not sure they are the roll models I'd be looking for her to emulate. I'll do whatever, WHATEVER it takes to keep my grandaughter in my household. I just tell AK to make good choices and be safe.
So, her roomate in Illinois decided it would be a good time to relocate back to Wisconsin. She and her daughter are staying with me too. Then two weeks ago a good friend of AW, needed to vacate her apartment stat after it was determined that BB's roomate's son had sexually assaulted her son Ben. So now I have 7 people living in my house. And things are working out for the most part.
They have not contributed one dime for food for the month of Feb. I don't really need to charge rent because I'm making the mortage payment and paying the utilities regardless of them being here. Since they aren't contributing monetarily, I've told them that I'm not cleaning while they are here. Also, whoever cooks doesn't clean.
So, that's where we start. Tonight I've had enough......I made a great lunch, homemade chicken pot pie and chocolate chip icecream sandwiches. Tonight I made spagetti and homemade meatballs. About an hour after dinner, the table is still dirty, the dishes are piling up in the sink and the stove top is covered with spagetti sauce splatter. So I do the dishes, run the dishwasher, take out the trash.....etc. All the while the "MOMS" are sitting on the couch watching a movie with the kids.
So, I made a list of chores I want done tomorrow, turned off the tv in the middle of the movie. And said who's doing what.....I have my list of chores assigned and came up to my room and here I sit typing this rant.
So, do I need to speak up more or was this tough enough? What do you think?
PS, I know I'm wimpy and I hate to fight.......
Thanks for the input! 
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Well, that's an option.
But I'm not going to do that, they are all struggling. BB and AW are working and trying to pool their money for an apartment, so they will probably be gone by April 1. I had a lot of family support when I was getting divorced, and I know how it feels to be where they are. Just trying to keep my own sanity until then......it's a karma thing.
But I appreciate that response.....
That I can do......I'm just not good with conflict. I've set some ground rules and for the most part they are being followed. We all eat together, no food or beverages allowed except for the dining room, children have to wait to be excused and can't leave the table until faces and fingers are washed......MANNERS are first and foremost......And WHINING is not allowed, even by me
OMG too funny.....one of the "MOMS" is of Korean descent and that's what she made for her breakfast this morning. I made egg cups. A slice of bread cut into a circle, press it into a cupcake pan, dribble a little pancake syrup into the bottom, circle with a slice of bacon and drop in an egg. Bake at 400 for about 10-15 minutes depending on how you like your egg. Delicious!
I'm all about good nutrition, if you want a snack it's a piece of fruit, cheese stick or gogurt,espeically for the kiddoes. That's the way I was raised, Hell, I cooked for a family of seven back then too. No chips/soda/icecream. I make good meals with good ingredients and children who don't want to eat it, go hungry or sit at the table until it's done. I've sat with Dani for two hours one night, doing scoop it, eat it, swallow it.....til she was done.
You can be helpful without being a doormat. Tell them all how you feel about clearing the table right after dinner - also a pet leave of mine. Sit down with them and ask how you can help them get back on their feet without it costing you more money. Do NOT allow it to continue without an exact timeline. So speaks the mother of a 34 year old who just moved out last week.
I must presume it is your house. Your house you get to make the rules, same as my father and his before him. Very simple, if one does not care for the rules of the house, then find another house.
Believe me you are doing them nor yourself any favors under the current arrangement, at least in my opinion.
I gave them a list of chores I wanted done today, before I went to my room and wrote this. This morning when I went downstairs, the floors were cleaned and the dishes were done, counters and stove cleaned. So, it looks like it did some good. We'll see if everything got done when I get home from work.
I think that being more assertive may have been the right approach....
These young women all have varying degrees of depression - one is bi-polar, one is SLOW.....and mope around and yell at the kids......my solution is get them dressed and send them out to play in the snow and that includes the "MOMS". I've invented crazy dance time.....twice a day for 15 minutes so they can burn off some energy and more importantly laugh and giggle....
It's a work in progress......
Yes, it is my house. For the most part, they do follow the rules. But I may have to have another discussion. For the children, you get what you get and you don't throw a fit. Picky eaters can go without or sit there until it's done. No hands on the wall. Boots and shoes don't touch the hardwoods, they stay on the rugs. No children in the kitchen - biggest culprit here is my 1 1/2 year old grand daughter.....
I guess I just need to make my feelings about things known......but I've been a slow burn person all my life.....
Look, I'm just trying to find a way to help them and myself. I said up front that I don't like conflict, has a lot to do with an abusive ex-husband. Really, I'm just looking for ways to become more assertive without being punishing in the process.
But, thank you for the response.
IT"S NOT FUNNY! (actually it is) He only moved out because I BOUGHT him a mobile home and showed him the door.
Thanks nica. About the only extra is me watching the kiddoes from time to time, and if they are out getting applications for jobs or apartments, then yes I'll watch them. I can't cut the cable, because that would adversely affect me. Most of the time they are stuck watching the cartoon network or dvr'd kids movies......how's that for torture.....
Ok, first thing, I'm a fan. Sticking by family, making sure kids are cared for, kicking ass and taking names. You're the total package.
AW, has found a job as a pizza delivery driver. Pays minimum wage + tips, but after paying for the gas she might not be making much. She's supposed to get her first check tomorrow, we'll see what happens there.
I came home tonight and the place was clean, floors washed, bathroom clean, so I guess the list did work. I did make dinner, salmon and salad with homemade garlic croutons. Mighty tasty.....the kids thought it was chicken, and ate salmon chicken.....LOL
Told the "MOMS" I'm not going to listen to anymore whining or crying. If they don't want to eat what's on the table, they have to go to the basement. And the "MOMS" don't get to scream and holler. If you're child is not doing what they are supposed to be doing, then you get up, and guide them back to proper behavior.
We'll have to see how that works, but my heart isn't trying to beat it's way out of my chest tonight, so I feel better.
Thanks for the kind words......fr sent
How do you vote up comments here? Anyone know?
I agree with everything Flameaway said. Disliking conflict is understandable and admirable; being a doormat is an abdication of duty. Yes, you have a duty to hold these freeloaders to a standard with real consequences if they fail to do their part. Make it clear that it is your way or the highway. Frankly, a tour of a homeless shelter might do them all some good by way of a wake-up call. These are mothers with kids. They need to understand that they took on a responsibility when they had these kids and they need to grow up NOW or they'll be rearing the next generation of failures.
Tough love is... tough. But you need to brace yourself and stick to the standards you have set and to evict the ones who think your home is a vacation resort. Otherwise, well... I hate to say it, but you will deserve what you get. The ball is in your court...
Kay, I hate conflict, too and will go to great lengths to avoid it...often at great costs to myself, my time, my workload, my emotions. So I am going to go put you in my prayer journal, because I understand. I don't think you are wimpy for not wanting to fight. Fighting is easier because you can just let it all out, but carrying it so that you don't cause anyone else to be upset, is a very unselfish, difficult thing to do. I see so much good advice in everyone's comments here! Take the pieces of wisdom from them that fit you. Glean what you can and try to apply what fits with your heart. I would agree that consequences are in order. I find that if you be creative, you will get results without resentment. For example, I teach 1st Grade, and have done so (and Kindergarten, Severely Multiple Handicapped K-3rd grade) for much of my 23 years of teaching. I see people who are very controlling, angry, "my way or the highway" kind of teachers. That breeds resentment. But if you can maybe think ahead and make a plan, come up with what you will do WHEN....and I do mean when, you already know that. I love the ramen noodles idea hahahahahah that is awesome. And yes, if there are too many cozy feathers in the nest, your little birds will never have a reason to leave. When this chore is completed, this reward happens (movie is on), when this chore is completed, ------ reward happens, and so on. Give and take. You seem like the giver type, and it is hard to take. But you must. Have you read The Giving Tree, by Shel Silverstein? Beautiful, poignant, and right on for this situation..it's a kids book, but the best ever about giving and taking and happiness.....read that (WITH EVERYONE IN YOUR HOME!!!!) and I'll be praying for you!!!!!!
Thanks to everyone for your responses. Some I will try first and some I will try last. Having this little rant has, in itself, made me feel a little better. If I can get the "MOMS" on board I think the kids will follow.
I came home last night and made a big Mediterrean salad, olives, cucumbers, tomatoes, peppers, onions and a hand sized portion of salmon for everyone. Some crusty french bread for those who needed a little extra. Dani, didn't want any, so after she refused to drink her milk, I sent her downstairs to the basement. I said "I'm not going to listen to any whining and crying, and mom's aren't going to be screaming". After Ben tried it, he decided he really liked salmon chicken. Things went pretty smoothly.
Sometime around 8:00 I could hear crying, now I"m on the 2nd floor and the kids all sleep in the basement. So, I went down to see what was going on. Ben was crying because his mother wasn't home. AW, was basically teasing him about being a baby. Then I reminded her that BB had said he was afraid of basements because of something that had happenedto him before. She had told Dani to come to the first floor and be with her and left him in the basement alone.
I told him to come upstairs and get his blanket and lay down on the loveseat. He didn't have to go to sleep he just had to lay down and rest, and then he'd be right there when his mom got home.The other two were already watching ICE AGE, so no biggie. Crisis solved and everyone's happy again.
I told AW that I wasvery disappointed in her. When her daughter Dani, says I LOVE YOU MOM, her response is yeah ok.....I told her if I eversaw or heard Danisay that andshe didn't go over and give Dani a nice big hug and kiss, I'd kick her a$$.......not likely to actually happen, but I think I got my point across.
Really do appreciate the feedback.....and will let you know if I make anymore progress this week.....
Go and spend 4 days at a spa and when you get home, IF nothing has been done, kick them out!
Sounds like a good meal to me. I'm one of those strange people that can have a feast with a can of spam and if the Ramens are shrimp flavored, I'm good to go.
I havent read through the comments, but it is my opinion that if you dont want to be treated like a doormat, you dont accept being treated like a doormat. This is your own home we are talking about? You either affect change yourself or you let them run amok. Those are really your only options. Personaly, I'd be wiping the floors with them, but that's me, and hey, I'm just a little confrontational, lol.
I think you're doing great! You've got a lot of emotional support here, and all of us care. They need to be taking care of YOU, too! Your family will be in my prayers.
Well, again thanks for the suggestions and most of all the support. Sometimes you just need a sounding board. Things are much improved, the kiddoes are behaving better because I'm not allowing screaming and hollering. I'm trying my best to get them to engage in POSTIVEattention rather than negative attention. If one of the kiddoes isn't behaving, I will tell them to come with me and we go do something on a one on one basis. Just enough to get their attention shifted to a better activity.
My house has been cleaned and is staying clean. I even had dinner served to me when I got home from work last night. It wasn't the best thing I ever eaten, but hey it was ready and I didn't have to cook it. Now I get home tonight, and find a couple of notes. AK and Maycie will be at her mom's house for the weekend, it's her mother's birthday tomorrow. AW and Dani and BB and Ben, will be staying at some friends for the weekend. And my house is nice and clean, so I won't have to do any of that.
We've talked a few times about the note, and I asked if I was to bitchy about writing it. All 3 said NO, but it did make them realize how much I was doing and that they really should be doing more. So, hopefully all will go well from here on out.
Thanks again,
Kay
We are all proud of you, Kay!!!! How are things for you today???