Drunk People Deserve HelpToo
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing
in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloody pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember
about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!
God loves drunk people too you know."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk..
Love it!
[I'm going to go with some dirty jokes... just cuz that's my style]
What are the five sizes of penises?
Small
Medium
Large
OMG
Does that come in white?
A mushroom walks into a bar. He asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says, "I can't serve you." The mushroom asks, "Why not? I'm a fungi (fun guy)."
Guy walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder.....?
a couple of weeks later the man and his monkey showed up again. the bartender, being a nice guy, decided to go ahead and serve them. but then, before the bartender could do anything, the monkey jumped down behind the bar, grabbed a cherry, PUT IT IN HIS BUTT and then ate it.
the bartender said to the man," dude thats gross. what's up with your monkey"?
the man said,"ever since he ate that pool ball, well, now he measures things before he eats them".
A guy was fishing at a quiet lake in the middle of an old forest. He was there all day and wasnt catching anything. As he started getting ready to pack up and leave, a priest came strolling by on the hiking path that passes near his fishing spot. The priest sees the fisherman and calls out,
"Hey, how's it going out here? Catching anything?"
to which the fisherman replies "No father, havent had much luck today. In fact, I was just getting ready to leave."
The priest asks, "Do you mind if I give it a try before you leave?"
The fisherman says, "Not at all, give it a shot"
The priest takes the rod, casts the line, and almost immediately gets a bite. He tries reeling it in but the fish is strong and eventually, it takes both of them to get it out of the water. The fish is HUGE, the proverbial fish story size fish.
In shock, the fisherman says, "WOW FATHER! THAT IS A HUGE SONOFABITCH YOU JUST CAUGHT!"
The priest is somewhat taken aback and says "Come now son, there's no need for type of language. We're all gods children"
The fisherman, thinking quickly, says "No father, that's the type of fish you just caught. It
's called a sonofabitch"
The priest says, "Oh, okay. Well, the monastery isnt far from here. If you like, we can hike back over there and have Sister Mary cook this sonofabitch"
The fisherman says, "That would be great!"
So, the two hike back to the monastery and take the fish down to the kitchen where Sister Mary is getting ready to cook dinner.
Sister Mary sees the fish and says, "Father, that's a big fish you've got there"
The priest says, "Yep, It's a huge sonofabitch, isnt it?"
Sister Mary is stunned and replies "FATHER! There is NO need for that kind of language. We're in GOD'S house here!". to which the priest replies "No, no, no Sister MAry. That's the type of fish it is. It's called a sonofabitch"
Sister Mary, placated says "Oh, okay, well...the pope is coming by for dinner tonight. Why dont I cook this sonofabitch up and we can all eat with the pope?"
Everybody is stoked and agree to have dinner with the pope.
So, Sister Mary cooked the fish , the pope came by, and everybody had dinner. After finishing off his second helping, the pope says, "Now Sister Mary, that was the most delicious meal I've had in some time!"
To which Sister Mary replies" Thank you father, I glad you enjoyed your meal. I cooked that sonofabitch"
and the priest says "I caught that sonofabitch!"
and the fisherman says, "He used my rod to catch that sonofabitch!"
The pope looks over all of them approvingly, kicks his feet up on the table, pulls a cigar out of a pocket, lights it up, takes a drag, looks at them all a second time, and says,
"You know, you motherfuckers are alllllright."
LOL---a Keeper for sure!
Q: Why do women wear make up and perfume?
A: Because they're ugly and they stink.
Q: Why don't men get Mad Cow Disease?
A: Because they're pigs.
Baaaarump ah dump.......
God has to take off for a little while to run some errands and tells Adam and Eve to stay put.
As soon as she leaves, Eve tells Adam that she's gonna go swimming.
Adam tells her they need to stay there just like god told them, but Eve is like, "No way, I'm going down to the beach and am going swimming. You can stay here if you want to."
So, Eve takes off and Adam stays put like god told him.
A little while later, god gets back and sees that Eve is gone. She looks at Adam and says "I thought I told both of you to stay here." Adam replies, "I know, but Eve wouldnt listen. She insisted on going swimming."
God replies" GOD DAMNIT! Now I'll never get that stink off the fish!"
Oh that's bad!
;^)
LMAO!
You're so twisted Max, LOL!
I got one like that, too, Fed. Humm great minds think alike.
I'm not feelin' the love from the guys, LOL!
LOL!
Ewwww... but laughing.
Three nuns die in an an auto accident and go to heaven where St Peter meets them at the gate.
St. Peter says, OK ladies you have to each answer a question to get through the pearly gates. Are you ready, to which all three nuns say yes.
He asks the first nun, "Who was the first man on earth?", to which she replies '"Adam" . Bells go off and the pearly gates open. She walks through and they close.
He asks the second num, "Who was the first woman on earth?" to which the nun replies, Eve. Bells ring, the gate opens and the nun enters heaven and the gates close.
He then turns to the last nun. He says, "Ok sister, let me think. Ahh.... what was the first words Eve said to Adam?" The num is a bit upset that she got this question and says in a very upset tone, "That's a hard one", and then the bells went off and the gates opened.
That's what they say Perrie. And I believe it because you and I have great minds.
These are hilarious Rescue! lmao
LOL,,,can't take credit for it; my wife found it on Pinterest!
:~)
What do a Rubix Cube and a penis have in common?
The more you play with them, the harder they get.
All the good ones here reminded me of one (actually it reminded me of three).
Back when they were building the Trans Alaska Pipeline a lot of the workers came from Texas. Some of them brought an attitude with them. One of them went into a local bar to show how tough he was. He walked up to the bar and said, "I'm the toughest SOB around here". The bartender told him, "Before you can be considered tough around here, you have to pass the tests. First, you have to drink this entire fifth of whiskey without coming up for air. Second, you have to make love to an Eskimo woman and third, you have to go out and shoot a Polar Bear." The Texan just grinned at him, tipped up the bottle and drained it and walked out of the bar without even staggering. Two days passed and the bar patrons started to worry that the guy might have fallen down in the snow and frozen to death. On the evening of the second day, however, the Texan staggered back into the bar. He was a total mess with his clothes (and some of his skin) in shreds and blood all over him. He lurched up to the bar, grabbed another bottle, drained about half of it and turned out to the rest of the patrons. In a booming voice he shouted, "OK, now where's this Eskimo broad I'm supposed to shoot?"
Far be it from me to disparage a Texan's drinking capacity, but the booze might have had something to do with that little error.
Alright Jeff Dunham.
The Spoon.....
A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' & noticed that the waiter who took our order had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water & utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup, I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'
'Well, he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.
If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen & save 15 man-hours per shift.'
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon & he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now. I was impressed, & then noticed that there was a string hanging out of the fly.
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string hanging from your fly?'
'Oh,certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also taught us how to save time in the restroom.
By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it & eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.'
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put your 'you-know what' back in your pants?' 'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'
Sounds like the practical solution ...
So, three men and a woman were deserted on an island. All agreed that the woman would take turns with the men to keep them satisfied. She thought it was a gook plan, too. Everything was going along smoothly until one day the woman died. Things were getting desperate for the men day by day and week by week. A month after her tragic death things got really desperate and horrible. So they buried her.
LMAO!!!