Transitions
I wrote She Laughed about two and one half years ago, with a short addendum on our anniversary, so that people would know how the woman I love, my soul mate, the other half of my heart and I had met. I feel it is only fair to share this, and let you see behind the curtain again to see this end of it. If you have not read it, please do before you read this. As I said, they are two sides of the same coin, but that was the first side.
Early last fall, I found that my company was in the process of downsizing. By the end of the fall, I fell victim to this and was shown the door, but was given a pretty good severance package. We had been through this before, and knew how to tighten our belts and get through these things, so we did.
September turned to December, and there was nothing, for I found myself in the position of being a near 50 year old man competing with men a third younger than me, and willing and able to work for a third less. The new year begin with no strong prospects, but we were managing. Judicious spending, dipping to our savings, and 20+ years of living frugally and avoiding debt was paying off for us, and we were getting by.
So it was with utter devastating surprise one evening in Mid January when she walked into the living room and declared:
I want a divorce.
There had been no hints. No clues. No indications that this was coming.
There had been no fights. No discernible growing apart. No angst of not belonging together any longer.
No issues with money, no haranguing bill collectors, no real loss of lifestyle due to the unemployment. We had never missed or made a late payment on anything, so it was not money.
I could not have been more blindsided if a meteor had fallen through the roof.
She simply walked into the living room, and in a somewhat hollow and sad voice said it.
I want a divorce.
I must say, it was not what I expected to hear, and came as the biggest shock that I have ever experienced.
All I could think of was that I had misheard her statement. But, no, I had not. I tried to get my head around this, needed to understand why, had to make sense of it.
Was there someone else? Was she involved with another person? Had I done something to drive her away? Had I hurt, or angered, or alienated her so bad that this was the only recourse? Had I somehow, without even seeing it or knowing it, ruined our relationship?
No. It was none of these. She tried to reassure me. Told me that she still loved me, but wasnt in love with me anymore. She said that there was too much negativity. That she felt as if she was no longer a person, but was becoming part of me. She said a lot, but none of it really explained why this, the nuclear option, was the only response left. None of it explained the situation. None of it told me how or why she seemed so emotionless, resigned, and adamant that this was the answer. None of it told me why.
I asked about counseling, about trial reconciliation periods. I asked about marriage retreats and every other option that I could conjure up into my fragmented, splintered mind, and was told that they were not options. She wanted out. So that was it. That was all. Over. Finish. Fini. The End.
I have heard of people who were so saddened that their heart broke. I have heard of people who were so saddened that they felt as if there were holes or cracks in their world. Dear Reader, neither of these even begins to explain how I felt. My heart shattered. My world crumbled. I wept.
Oh, the next few weeks were amicable. She was aware that I could not just move out, because I was unemployed. We sat down and defined our own property settlement. We agreed upon asset division. We agreed on custody of my daughter. We basically wrote our own divorce settlement.
I slept on the couch during this time, and continued to look for work during the day. I was finally offered a position in Houston, and decided that perhaps leaving Dallas and starting fresh would be a good thing, so I accepted it, and here I am.
You know, there is a theory that its better if you just pull the bandage off quick and hard. Get it over with. Some say it hurts less.
Perhaps....... Perhaps they are right. But it still hurts. It hurts a lot.
I want to say that I am not bitter. I am not angry. I consider myself lucky to have had 22+ years of the most beautiful and perfect relationship I have ever heard of. I am unbelievably saddened that it ended.
I also want to say that I still love her. I guess I always will.
And, I wish I could still make her laugh.
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Peace ... the void will likely be filled and when it is, you like so many of us will have the revelation that "no concept exists without its opposite." By that I mean, to the degree you feel pain, so will be the degree of joy you experience when someone arrives to take your pain away.
I know that this will be littlesolacein this, but there seems to be a lot of this going on, in woman 50-65 years old, so I know that you are not alone. It seems that they pretty much say the same thing that your wife said. Being of the same age group, I am a bit befuddled by it...
I am so sorry for the pain this lose has caused you. I think that you have really made the best of a bad situation. You have shown enormous grace. I hope that they years that follow will bring you a happy new beginning and that your grieving will be short.
I am sorry to hear this and understand your pain and love for her. I went through a similar event in 1972 it also came out of nowhere and I was on active duty in the Army and couldn't just drop what I was doing. I can tell you that in time the pain will become bearable and you'll find new things to busy your self with. And hopefully another will be able to let you smile and be happy again.
As a Side note, Captain, I still love the woman who divorced me in 1972 and I will until I die. It just wasn't meant to be at that time in my life. I have remarried to a wonderful woman and have a 13 year old stepson that I love dearly. They did not replace her nothing can but they have given me a new world and a new lease on life. I am 65 and my wife is 35, so I know it can happen and I hope it happens for you as well.
Max, thanks for the kind words, and for the support.
I tend to write what I know about, which is my life and experiences, and sometimes the muse is kind and gives me the words that makes it bring a smile or a tear.
I do so appreciate the thought and effort you guys take to recognize the work.
Thanks, so much.
Kidd.
Larry, Thanks for the kind words.
I'm glad you landed upright, on your feet, and found someone. Who knows, Maybe this is what is supposed to happen to me, too, right? Anyway, these are the cards we are dealt, and there's no choice but to play the hand out and see who wins, us or the house. I'm glad you won.
As my father used to tell me, in times like these, there's only one thing to do, and that's put your head down and keep pulling, so that is what I am doing. Moving forward.
It's a hill I'm pulling up, but I'm sure there's something on the other side worth seeing, so I'm going to keep going.
Thanks, again.
Perrie,
My wife had gastric bypass surgery and lost a bunch of weight, and I've been told by several differennt sources that a lot of women do this. They get the surgery, lose the weight, get slim, trim and racy again, and decide that they need to start over. And the stories are the same.
I don't know. We went on a cruise back in July before the downsizing started at my old company, and we had a ball. We wined, dined, danced and romanced and it was just like it was 20 years ago. We had a blast. It waslike being on a honeymoon.
6 months later, BOOM. I don't know.
But, the sun came up today, and the world is still turning. The road still winds on ahead of me, and I want to see what's around the next curve, so onward I shall go.
Thanks for the kind words, and thanks, as always, for your support and a place to put my little scribblings. It is extremely helpful to know there is a place to put these thoughts and nice to see the reactions and thoughts of other people who might be going through, or have gone through, similar experiences.
God Bless You, if you believe in him. And I still thank you and appreciate all your work here if you don't.
Captain,
I am so happy to provide a place for you to express yourself and to have support. We have a wonderful community here and if you ever need support, in any way, I hope you know that we will be here for you.
((((((Captain))))))))
I think everybody here has said what i was thinking, so i will just say that I'm sorry things worked out the way they did for you, but glad that you are able to keep moving forward. Who knows what is ahead of you? Something great i would imagine.
Captain,
Here is an article that I just read about this happening more and more:
Pretty interesting. A lot that is said in there is descriptive of me and my (now) ex-wife.