Heavily Armed Karl Rove Spotted At Top Of Electoral College Clock Tower -
Sources confirmed this afternoon that a heavily armed Karl Rove has positioned himself atop the Electoral College clock tower and is planning to pick off at least 50 electors with a high-precision sniper rifle.
Wearing a black tactical ammunition vest with multiple submachine-gun magazine pouches, a holster containing an extra semiautomatic handgun, and several M67 grenades clipped to the chest, Rove reportedly walked up 27 floors to the top of the clock tower, which overlooks the Electoral Colleges main quad area and offers the Republican strategist a perfect vantage point to assassinate electors as they exit the Swing State Dining Hall and the Twelfth Amendment Science Building.
Law enforcement officials said Rove appears to be primarily targeting Electoral College attendees from Ohio and Florida.
Mr. Rove is armed, extremely dangerous, and, we believe, mentally ill, said lead FBI agent Peter Coburn, adding that his team is working with Electoral College Campus Security to move the institutions 538 enrolled electors out of harms way. Several witnesses who saw Mr. Rove begin his ascent to the top of the clock tower said he looked stone-faced and was muttering something about making good on his promises to Republican super PAC donors everywhere and to Jesus Christ almighty.
We are currently unable to get inside the clock tower because Mr. Rove has destroyed several flights of stairs with plastic explosives, Coburn added. Either way, we are urging all Electoral College attendees to stay inside the Red and Blue Dormitory until further notice.
According to FBI representatives, evidence of Roves assassination plot was discovered inside the Fox pundits off-campus studio apartment. Amidst old newspapers, weeks-old pizza boxes, and rats, agents said they found an Electoral College yearbook in which multiple faces had been crossed out with red Xs.
In addition, officials discovered several composition notebooks filled with Roves psychotic musings, including his 2004 plans to seize control of the entire country, and a passage in which he graphically describes how he wants to slit Electoral College president Nate Silvers throat and then bathe in his blood while staring at his naked body in the bathroom mirror.
One notebook, sources confirmed, was just page after page of the words Hamilton County written over and over again.
You dont call a state with 991 votes between the candidates, Rove wrote. You dont do that. You never do that. And if you do, Im not the one whos crazy. Youre the one whos crazy. You are the one who must be stopped. You are part of the liberal conspiracy trying to take hold of this nation. And I will be the one to murder you and the children you wanted to abort. I will be the one who stops the madness. I will rain bullets and hellfire on your heads. Say goodbye.
READ MORE: http://www.theonion.com/articles/heavily-armed-karl-rove-spotted-at-top-of-electora,30309/
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