Take The Long Way Home
By Perrie Berlin-Halpern
It was about this time four years ago, that I was getting ready for my daughters’ graduation from high school. They were about to embark on the single biggest adventure of their lives, college, and I was about to take my own journey down a new path in my life, an empty nest. As I sat in the auditorium listening to commencement, I had a vision in my head of what life was going to look like. I am sure that my husband and daughters had their own visions too. But life is seldom how we envision it and this was to be no exception.
My life was to be taken up with being busy with my hubby, Matt. I foresaw a busy schedule of going on travel, going to concerts, and attending the theater. Maybe, I'd even return to writing that book that I started years ago, but never finished due to graduate school. My girls Maddy and Cat, would bloom from shrews into lovely young women. And even though they would be busy at school they would still make the time to drop me a call daily and fill me in with their lives. They would love the experience of being away at school and have an opportunity that I never had, because my family couldn’t afford. I had to put myself through school and work in the family store and play some gigs for the extra pocket money. My kids would have it so much better than I did, and this thought brought me pleasure.
Matt would take up a hobby maybe. He had been talking about taking up racing, maybe golf. We might even be like newlyweds, well maybe not quite, but you get the idea.
The reality of the situation is never what we envision. My daughters were miserable for the first two years at school. They had roommate issues, boyfriend issues, issues on issues. I spent my days running around putting out fires or being yelled at for not putting out the right ones. Matt and I would make plans only to have them overtaken by our daughters’ needs. This is not to say that the girls were any happier than us. They were not. In fact, I think they were quite miserable in different ways. The girls bickered with each other endlessly, so when Cat came home for a year burnt out, you would have thought that Maddy would be happy. She wasn’t. She wanted her sister back. On the other hand, Cat couldn’t wait to go back, but we were advised that this would be a mistake, so she made our lives at home as miserable as she was. I felt bad for her pain, but I felt cheated. What happened to my own dreams? When do I get the time to take the long way home?
A year passed quickly. Cat went back to school, better for the time she spent at home and settled in. Maddy was glad to have her sister back, until the newness wore off and the petty phone calls soon started again. This became the hum of my life, along with two sets of aging parents each with their health issues now added into the equation. The days pass quickly into weeks and then into months. I found myself pondering over my life. How it has a strange way of going slow and fast at the same time. There were nights when I lay in bed trying to figure out where I lost the vision I so clearly had that day my daughters graduated from high school. Some nights I don’t sleep at all.
Four years have passed and in May, Maddy will graduate from Johns Hopkins. I'm sure I will be very proud of her that day. I know I will find joy in her success. I am sure Matt will, too. And then she will return home. And in a way, all of us have taken the long way home. She made it though times she thought she couldn’t make it. Matt will enjoy paying a few less bills. Cat will have to learn how to deal without her sister and friends who graduated ahead of her. As for me, I realize now that my journey is only beginning. That taking the long way home isn’t always a luxury, but sometimes a chore. And although I don’t have as much of the road ahead of me as I have behind me, I will still be searching, as I am sure the rest of us will.
Because life is the sound of distant thunder at a picnic.
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I can't believe that it has been for years since I wrote this other piece , but life is but a dream.
Because life is the sound of distant thunder at a picnic.
Oh! Indeed.
Distant Thunder by Andrew Wyeth
Mac,
I love, love Andrew Wyeth.
I have never heard that song by the Dixie Chicks. It's really nice. But this was the song I was referencing.
Merrily, merrily, merrily you are right !
What a great piece of writing !
Thank you .
Thanks Pat. I don't write as often as I would like. Administering to the site keeps me quite busy.
Congratulations on both your daughters success in school Perrie. Look forward to hearing about what they will do in the future.
As for you, we know you will keep productively busy for a long time to come.
Congratulations to Maddy on accomplishing the mission. Soon Cat will be finished with it as well.
Remember, to help fill your spare time, you always have NT.
Kavika,
NT sure fills up my time (along with stinking accounting). Sometimes there is not enough time for life and NT, but I juggle well.
Thanks for the good wishes.
John,
Funny, in a way this site is therapy for me most of the time. I get the chance to take my mind off of my daily life and discuss things that stimulate me. Other days, when life gets in the way, it's hard to be present here.
Thanks for the goods tidings!
How you can manage your time is miraculous. I would have thought NT would take up 18 hours a day.
Buzz,
It has been challenging to say the least. But if I didn't enjoy it, I guess I wouldn't do it.
Sounds like two wonderful young ladies are making there way on the road to success and happiness.
Congratulations.
I remember making plans when the boys started leaving home, but they kept coming back and leaving and coming back.
Now they are definitively on their own and we talk of wishing they lived around the corner most every day.
Life has a way of getting in the way of the plans we make.
I am confident your girls will do well, they had great role models, and you will continue to mediate and solve problems for them for years to come and will always be glad to do so.
Because you are mom.
Robert,
I couldn't have said it any better. Thank you for your insightful (since you have been there already) and kind comment.
I hope you got to some of those plans you had. I know that I am trying.
Perrie
You know we are doing a lot of things in retirement that we always wanted to do, but never had time when we were working and raising the kids, but one of our favorite pastimes is traveling to visit the kids.
Gluttons for punishment some might say, but we view it joy in seeing the good people the kids have become either because of or in spite of our parenting (or maybe a little of both).
No matter how old your girls get, mom will always be the go to person for problem solving and advice and I am sure you would not want it any other way.
We haven't chatted in ages and I thank you for the back and forth.
I know that you are going to be very proud of the women that Maddy and Cat become! Somewhere in here, they suddenly grow up and realize that you're their best friend, and appreciate all that you've done for them! Note: I'm still waiting, for that revelation to come to my step-daughter... I know they will both be successful at whatever they decide to do-- and you will be fulfilled!
Life seems to have a way of throwing us curve balls, when we least expect it-- many of them with lasting consequences. I am learning to not try to plan ahead-- even to the weekend, because no matter what I plan, something else comes up. It is rather amusing to me for everyone to look to me for plans-- when it does no good to make them. Suddenly, it's Saturday night, and everyone looks at me as if to say, "Now what?" Amuse yourselves, guys!
To me, the future seems to be very uncertain... So, I'm afraid to lay many plans, knowing that it won't matter any way, what I want to do. I'll just have to take care of things as they come up, and do the best I can. Sandwich in the things I want to do, when I can... Somehow persevere. It will all work out for the best-- it always does!
Hi Dowser,
You remember that John Lennon said that life is what happens when you are making other plans and to a degree I agree. On the other hand, I still make plans. Yes, my first trip to Rome got dashed when Maddy broke her front 3 teeth, but we did get there the following year and it was wonderful.
It's going to be hard adjusting to Maddy now. She has been 4 years on her own, I will have to resist "mothering" her. At 22 that will not be well received. On the other hand, she will have to understand that being back under our roof, means that she can't live like a pig... that ain't gonna fly.
When I look back at the article I wrote 4 years ago, I remembered the state of mind I was in. I was feeling like being an empty nester also meant that my life was somehow ending. The article read lighter, but actually I was not feeling like that. It took me a while to adjust.
This time around, even though I am 4 years older, I am trying to think of this as something positive and new, despite some of life's curve balls. Anyway, at least I feel young at heart.
I dread Matthew leaving for college, but am happy for him! He will be a senior in high school next year, and hopefully, I'll be ready for him to go when it's time... I have to be, don't I?
John keeps making all these plans for when we're alone and while I think that's great, I also know that most of his plans aren't going to happen. He's never ever going to quit working long hours, and never going to be willing to just take it easy. It isn't in his nature. He's always going 100 mph with his hair on fire. Too, Brittany will be having kids and he won't want to leave them... etc.
Can Maddy get her own place? Maybe that would be best for all of you!
I am not sure of her plans. Her boyfriend, Davidi is going to be working in NYC. Here is a picture of them at this years Cherry Blossom Festival in Washington:
You give up your dreams of what might be when you have kids and replace those with what their dreams may be. Eventually, they will do their thing and go on their life journey, then you will become a grandparent and a whole new road, probably not entirely of your choosing will start......such is life.....sometimes you just have to enjoy the ride and count each of the blessings that come your way.
I totally agree Gary, especially the part about having kids. Funny how we all do that without thinking... just seems to be part of the master plan. But kids are a lot like an Ikea guide book... "Follow Me" and then you find out that you have left over pieces, LOL.
As for grand kids.... I am NOT there yet. I know that some of my peers, like you are, but me... not so much. I do realize that I will have very little to say either way... but that is life, too.
Some time the road back home is a long and winding one.
Kavika,
Beautiful shot. Did you take it?
No, I didn't take it. Wish that I had, it's quite beautiful.
Congratulations to both your daughters, one as she finishes a goal and the other as she enters the home stretch. That's a wonderful accomplishment and a huge sigh of relief for everyone.
I loved your story. I could relate to much of what you and Matt have and are going through. I'll have to let my husband David know that we are not alone.
I hope you do go back to writing your book. You have a warm and witty writing style., it's very engaging.
Enjoy your long way home.....but if you find a short cut to paradise please pass it on! :o)
Thanks PJ for all your good wishes.
I'm glad that you could relate to the experience. I think that sometimes people feel that only their families have these problems, ( I know that I do from time to time), and it's good to know that you are not alone.. well at least I find solace in that.
As soon as I find that shortcut to paradise, I will forward the information. I believe in sharing!
Your story made me laugh, and cry a little, as it reminds me of our own in so many ways.
The story of all of us, is written everyday on the road to the next day, and is given to us by our parents, to be given to our children. In the end, that road and those stories are all that truly matter. Thank you for sharing part of it with us Perrie.
“The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with eager feet,
Until it joins some larger way
Where many paths and errands meet.
And whither then? I cannot say”
The Lord Of The Rings
Hi Larry,
I had forgotten about that poem. It fits perfectly.
I figured you would relate. I remember when you so bravely shared your own trip through fatherhood on father's day years ago and now she is a lovely young woman who has given great joy and a grandchild. (Gosh you are younger than me, and we are in such different places in our lives.. life is odd, isn't it?)
There is an old saying that goes, "People make plans and god laughs" (the atheist version would be "The best laid plans of mice and men")I guess it's kind of true. And although some of the curve balls that life throws at us are very unpleasant, I guess we live for the good ones. How else would we know the difference?