10 Ways to Have a Better Conversation
10 Ways to Have a Better Conversation
--by ted.com , syndicated from ted.com , Apr 18, 2016
What follows is the transcript of Celeste Headlee's Ted talk:
All right, I want to see a show of hands: how many of you have unfriended someone on Facebook because they said something offensive about politics or religion, childcare, food?
(Laughter)
And how many of you know at least one person that you avoid because you just don't want to talk to them?
(Laughter)
You know, it used to be that in order to have a polite conversation, we just had to follow the advice of Henry Higgins in "My Fair Lady": Stick to the weather and your health. But these days, with climate change and anti-vaxxing, those subjects are not safe either. So this world that we live in, this world in which every conversation has the potential to devolve into an argument, where our politicians can't speak to one another and where even the most trivial of issues have someone fighting both passionately for it and against it, it's not normal. Pew Research did a study of 10,000 American adults, and they found that at this moment, we are more polarized, we are more divided, than we ever have been in history. We're less likely to compromise, which means we're not listening to each other. And we make decisions about where to live, who to marry and even who our friends are going to be, based on what we already believe. Again, that means we're not listening to each other. A conversation requires a balance between talking and listening, and somewhere along the way, we lost that balance.
Now, part of that is due to technology. The smartphones that you all either have in your hands or close enough that you could grab them really quickly. According to Pew Research, about a third of American teenagers send more than a hundred texts a day. And many of them, almost most of them, are more likely to text their friends than they are to talk to them face to face. There's this great piece in The Atlantic. It was written by a high school teacher named Paul Barnwell. And he gave his kids a communication project. He wanted to teach them how to speak on a specific subject without using notes. And he said this: "I came to realize..."
(Laughter)
"I came to realize that conversational competence might be the single most overlooked skill we fail to teach. Kids spend hours each day engaging with ideas and each other through screens, but rarely do they have an opportunity to hone their interpersonal communications skills. It might sound like a funny question, but we have to ask ourselves: Is there any 21st-century skill more important than being able to sustain coherent, confident conversation?"
Now, I make my living talking to people: Nobel Prize winners, truck drivers, billionaires, kindergarten teachers, heads of state, plumbers. I talk to people that I like. I talk to people that I don't like. I talk to some people that I disagree with deeply on a personal level. But I still have a great conversation with them. So I'd like to spend the next 10 minutes or so teaching you how to talk and how to listen.
Many of you have already heard a lot of advice on this, things like look the person in the eye, think of interesting topics to discuss in advance, look, nod and smile to show that you're paying attention, repeat back what you just heard or summarize it. So I want you to forget all of that. It is crap.
(Laughter)
There is no reason to learn how to show you're paying attention if you are in fact paying attention.
(Laughter)
(Applause)
Now, I actually use the exact same skills as a professional interviewer that I do in regular life. So, I'm going to teach you how to interview people, and that's actually going to help you learn how to be better conversationalists. Learn to have a conversation without wasting your time, without getting bored, and, please God, without offending anybody.
We've all had really great conversations. We've had them before. We know what it's like. The kind of conversation where you walk away feeling engaged and inspired, or where you feel like you've made a real connection or you've been perfectly understood. There is no reason why most of your interactions can't be like that.
So I have 10 basic rules. I'm going to walk you through all of them, but honestly, if you just choose one of them and master it, you'll already enjoy better conversations.
Number one: Don't multitask. And I don't mean just set down your cell phone or your tablet or your car keys or whatever is in your hand. I mean, be present. Be in that moment. Don't think about your argument you had with your boss. Don't think about what you're going to have for dinner. If you want to get out of the conversation, get out of the conversation, but don't be half in it and half out of it.
Number two: Don't pontificate. If you want to state your opinion without any opportunity for response or argument or pushback or growth, write a blog.
(Laughter)
Now, there's a really good reason why I don't allow pundits on my show: Because they're really boring. If they're conservative, they're going to hate Obama and food stamps and abortion. If they're liberal, they're going to hate big banks and oil corporations and Dick Cheney. Totally predictable. And you don't want to be like that. You need to enter every conversation assuming that you have something to learn. The famed therapist M. Scott Peck said that true listening requires a setting aside of oneself. And sometimes that means setting aside your personal opinion. He said that sensing this acceptance, the speaker will become less and less vulnerable and more and more likely to open up the inner recesses of his or her mind to the listener. Again, assume that you have something to learn.
Bill Nye: "Everyone you will ever meet knows something that you don't." I put it this way: Everybody is an expert in something.
Number three: Use open-ended questions. In this case, take a cue from journalists. Start your questions with who, what, when, where, why or how. If you put in a complicated question, you're going to get a simple answer out. If I ask you, "Were you terrified?" you're going to respond to the most powerful word in that sentence, which is "terrified," and the answer is "Yes, I was" or "No, I wasn't." "Were you angry?" "Yes, I was very angry." Let them describe it. They're the ones that know. Try asking them things like, "What was that like?" "How did that feel?" Because then they might have to stop for a moment and think about it, and you're going to get a much more interesting response.
Number four: Go with the flow. That means thoughts will come into your mind and you need to let them go out of your mind. We've heard interviews often in which a guest is talking for several minutes and then the host comes back in and asks a question which seems like it comes out of nowhere, or it's already been answered. That means the host probably stopped listening two minutes ago because he thought of this really clever question, and he was just bound and determined to say that. And we do the exact same thing. We're sitting there having a conversation with someone, and then we remember that time that we met Hugh Jackman in a coffee shop.
(Laughter)
And we stop listening. Stories and ideas are going to come to you. You need to let them come and let them go.
Number five: If you don't know, say that you don't know. Now, people on the radio, especially on NPR,are much more aware that they're going on the record, and so they're more careful about what they claim to be an expert in and what they claim to know for sure. Do that. Err on the side of caution. Talk should not be cheap.
Number six: Don't equate your experience with theirs. If they're talking about having lost a family member, don't start talking about the time you lost a family member. If they're talking about the trouble they're having at work, don't tell them about how much you hate your job. It's not the same. It is never the same. All experiences are individual. And, more importantly, it is not about you. You don't need to take that moment to prove how amazing you are or how much you've suffered. Somebody asked Stephen Hawking once what his IQ was, and he said, "I have no idea. People who brag about their IQs are losers."
(Laughter)
Conversations are not a promotional opportunity.
Number seven: Try not to repeat yourself. It's condescending, and it's really boring, and we tend to do it a lot. Especially in work conversations or in conversations with our kids, we have a point to make, so we just keep rephrasing it over and over. Don't do that.
Number eight: Stay out of the weeds. Frankly, people don't care about the years, the names, the dates, all those details that you're struggling to come up with in your mind. They don't care. What they care about is you. They care about what you're like, what you have in common. So forget the details. Leave them out.
Number nine: This is not the last one, but it is the most important one. Listen. I cannot tell you how many really important people have said that listening is perhaps the most, the number one most important skill that you could develop. Buddha said, and I'm paraphrasing, "If your mouth is open, you're not learning."And Calvin Coolidge said, "No man ever listened his way out of a job."
(Laughter)
Why do we not listen to each other? Number one, we'd rather talk. When I'm talking, I'm in control. I don't have to hear anything I'm not interested in. I'm the center of attention. I can bolster my own identity.But there's another reason: We get distracted. The average person talks at about 225 word per minute,but we can listen at up to 500 words per minute. So our minds are filling in those other 275 words. And look, I know, it takes effort and energy to actually pay attention to someone, but if you can't do that, you're not in a conversation. You're just two people shouting out barely related sentences in the same place.
(Laughter)
You have to listen to one another. Stephen Covey said it very beautifully. He said, "Most of us don't listen with the intent to understand. We listen with the intent to reply."
One more rule, number 10, and it's this one: Be brief.
All of this boils down to the same basic concept, and it is this one: Be interested in other people.
You know, I grew up with a very famous grandfather, and there was kind of a ritual in my home. People would come over to talk to my grandparents, and after they would leave, my mother would come over to us, and she'd say, "Do you know who that was? She was the runner-up to Miss America. He was the mayor of Sacramento. She won a Pulitzer Prize. He's a Russian ballet dancer." And I kind of grew up assuming everyone has some hidden, amazing thing about them. And honestly, I think it's what makes me a better host. I keep my mouth shut as often as I possibly can, I keep my mind open, and I'm always prepared to be amazed, and I'm never disappointed.
You do the same thing. Go out, talk to people, listen to people, and, most importantly, be prepared to be amazed.
Thanks.
http://www.dailygood.org/story/1268/10-ways-to-have-a-better-conversation-ted-com/
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All right, I want to see a show of hands: how many of you have unfriended someone on Facebook because they said something offensive about politics or religion, childcare, food?
I don't have an active facebook account, so the answer is none.
But I am definitely amazed at the truth contained in the article.
I'm surprised that such knowledge is actually still being taught.
Good find Girl!
All right, I want to see a show of hands: how many of you have unfriended someone on Facebook because they said something offensive about politics or religion, childcare, food?
I don't have a Fakebook acccount.
But previous to being on NT, I was on that other discussion site (the one that shall not be named) when they had the "friend" function. At one point I had over 1000 friends*--and never ever unfriended anyone--even people I hated!
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*However the majority weren't real friends-- I didn't really know who all of them were. It was part of a game....
Before Facebook was banned here I opened an account. I can no longer use it, but I keep getting notices from Facebook about people trying to contact me, etc, that I'm unable to reply to. However, I'm just as happy not being able to use it.
This article about communication is a good find, Pj.
I do have a facebook account but I never use it. lol
I ran across this today and it reminded me of an article that someone posted earlier about being civil and thought this would compliment it's message. It's also a good reminder for me to reset.
about being civil and thought this would compliment it's message. It's also a good reminder for me to reset.
Just my opinion...but you are one of the most civil people on this site! There's nothing to reset there...
Thank you Krishna. I definitely have my moments and then I feel horrible afterwards. lol
"Most of us don't listen with the intent to understand. We listen with the intent to reply."
This is an excellent point . It goes to the issue of what conversation is about ...
"Most of us don't listen with the intent to understand. We listen with the intent to reply."
True.
But actually I'd modify that a bit-- we listen in order to find something (a sentence, phrase..even a single word...to latch onto so we can reply in a way that furthers whatever agenda we happen to be pushing).
Well, for one of two reasons actually:
1. To push our political agenda.
2. For those who enjoy the gentle art of trolling, we listen just enough to find something to use to attack that person with! with).
Apparently you are using what goes on here at NT as an example of what to do . Why is that ?
Apparently you are using what goes on here at NT as an example of what to do . Why is that ?
No I'm actually not-- just re-read my comment and realized it was unclear. I meant to describe what I've usually observed actually happening on Internut discussion sites-- not what should be done for good conversation!
Actually I'd prefer that people wouldn't do those 2 things--- but i don't think most people will change.
(When I first started on discussion forum, I never trolled. I was extremely courteous. I was a moderator's dream participant.)
Number two: Don't pontificate.
On the Internet? Gimme a break.
Impossible.
Good Conversation will stop at #1 !!!
You're right Krishna - some on the list may not work depending on the form of communication such as the internet but some will work. :0)
You're right Krishna - some on the list may not work depending on the form of communication such as the internet but some will work. :0)
I think that many people tend to underestimate how different communication is on the Internet. (That also may be one reason there are so many fights and personal attacks. I could be wrong, but I think that if the same people who were constantly getting into nasty online fights were in a room, talking offline, the conversation might be different!).
I think that if the same people who were constantly getting into nasty online fights were in a room, talking offline, the conversation might be different!
I think you're right. Even so, I've noticed some people have the ability to bounce back fairly quick after someone says something hurtful on line. Me, not so much. I take it to heart so it takes me longer to shake it off.
My theory on a lot of internet discussions is this - Give them enough rope and they'll hang themselves.
It is generally very effective.
It works with stupid people John . It works well on you ...
It works with stupid people John . It works well on you ..
LOL!
"I came to realize that conversational competence might be the single most overlooked skill we fail to teach.
While there is some overlap, IMO some of the skills required to be a good conversationalist online are different than those that succeed "in the real world"*.
(Assuming of course that someone considers the offline world to be the real world-- I think for some younger Millenials today the definitons might be reversed!)
Yes dear.
And then there's that!
- That's always a winning strategy Kavika. You're a very wise man.
I think the only way to straighten out civilization is for Klaatu to melt all the weapons in the world, and for electricity to disappear. We need to go back to a simple "pioneer" type life, sort of like the Amish or Mennonites. Banning all forms of religion might be good too, since it seems to generate so much animosity, even within the specific religions themselves.
That's not a bad topic to start a conversation about.
There comes a time when a person may stop and take notice of themselves and others, where they are and where they want to be. Are they being useful or are they wasting their time? Are they being satisfied or are they just becoming more frustrated? Are they being heard or are they being silenced? Do they make a difference or do they not matter? This person may come to some conclusions after thinking of these things and if they follow the advice in the article, if it doesn't seem to make a difference using this advice and they don't start to feel like they are getting some satisfaction, this person may decide there is a better path to follow than the one this person is on now.
Have we lost someone who had something to offer or does it make any difference whether that person is around or not? Have we short changed that person and ourselves? Could we have not been a little more humble at least sometimes? Do we not realize we're not going to change the world, but maybe we could have given some comfort to that person without taking anything away from ourselves?
I was this person some time back and I realized there wasn't where I wanted to be. I also realized I was wasting way too much time and you know time is not for eternity for any of us. I was becoming more frustrated and found although I could hold my own, I really was just as well off to be silent and be less frustrated. Did I make a difference? Who knows? Only each individual can answer that question for himself or herself. I know I believe being me as I know myself is the most important thing in my life, but what difference does that make? I'm sure many feel the same way. Does it matter to anyone else?
Oh I thought when I first started online participation on Newsvine I was going to finally get to talk to some other people with completely different ideas about life than I had and finally I would be able to understand them and maybe they would gain something from the conversations as well, but that fantasy was quickly put to rest.
I hung around on the Ed Schultz site on MSNBC. I saw him one night while flipping the channels and thought I would check him out, since I thought he was an absolute nutcase. That's when I discovered a site like this one where people went to air their differences. Although I was pursuing an honest assessment of our differences, it didn't take me long to realize I was the latest piece of meat for the Ed Schultz lovers to gnaw down on. It was like a frenzy! Ed would put a question at the bottom of the screen at the end of his program and his fans would kill to be the first one to have a comment on the website. I really do believe they would have killed if they had to actually fight their way to something like a blackboard to be the first to comment. After awhile, I began calling it "The Ed Schultz Orgasmic Feeding Frenzy Hour" for the first hour or so after his program ended.
This went on for a couple of years and I can't tell you how many people I saw chewed up and spit out, but some of them kept coming back for more time after time. I had avoided the dreadful suspensions and the banning the whole time I was there. They just couldn't seem to get a good hold on me. Boy did I have to review everything I posted over and over to accomplish that.
Well, right at the end when they were going to change their format, big brother had grown tired of chasing me around and not getting anywhere, so he sicced three people on me and started making things up. Well, I was informed the next day I was banned. I have to tell you, I was depressed about it. I had been there for over two years and although there were only two or three people at times who agreed with my ideas, I didn't like the idea of not being able to go back.
When you don't get so wrapped up in it like I did, you find you get a hell of a lot more done. I actually started feeling better and I believe I increased my income 30%, but I still kind of missed it anyway. So.....
So one night I was looking on the Internet and ran across this article by a fellow named Bruce. I don't think it is our Bruce, but maybe it was and in his article was something about this site. I checked it out and have been here ever since. Now I took that break mentioned above and will probably take some more along the way, but when I came back here after my the break mentioned above as I was that person, I came back with a different attitude than I had before. I realized all the people on here are pretty good people and I feel confident if we were to meet in person, we would probably get along just fine, some more than others, but all the same, just fine.
My attitude now is anytime you're talking to people like us and it is about politics, religion, race, sexual preferences, well you get the idea, about anything and the more you get to know each other the more it is like a bad marriage or a good marriage as well. Well, let's just put it this way. It's one or the other and sometimes in between.
I don't waste as much time as I once did. I don't take things so seriously, since I've come to terms with the fact everyone else is wasting their time as well and I do learn some things along the way.
To close this I have come to the conclusion there is no real conversation on a political blog or whatever this is considered or at least it is rarely demonstrated here or anywhere else. It's more like a frenzy like the video I'm about to put up below where we want to blow it out, be heard, but have little interest in listening to each other, although I'm sure by some of the things I've read from each of us we may be listening to each other but by God we're not going to admit it.
And face it, we're selling a product here. The product is the "Article" we put up. If the product is something people can get excited about because it is that good or can draw enough comments to allow it to remain on the "Front Page" for an extended time then we have done a good job. The quality of the product is rarely the reason it gets a lot of comments. Sometimes it is an article that takes us away from the troubles of the day and other times it gives people the opportunity to release frustrations most are not even aware they have. We end up being drawn into the article by something we read. I think everyone should be able to honestly say they had no intentions of participating in any articles when they started to read a few things and then they saw one comment they just had to write a response to and found out hours later they were still participating and the clothes had not washed themselves. The walk in the park will have to be put off until tomorrow since it is too late now.
At the end of the day and who knows when that is, since I've been known to spend all night at times, all we've done is waste time that could have been used for more useful purposes. You say "It's my time and I can spend it any way I want to spend it". Well believe me, I'm completely aware of this, look at how long this comment is. Now how long will this comment be of any significance or will it be of any significance at all? How long will this worthy article be of any significance? You know. Immediate satisfaction, a draw on a cigarette for some, a shot in the arm for others, but the invisible motivation to participate is not to communicate with others, but to express ourselves and relieve ourselves of something we can't quite understand, but we know there is some reason just beyond our comprehension that makes us waste hours and days doing nothing but fussing with each other, being the one who finds the next article we think will be a hit. At this time the article is 18 hours long and the last comment was 13 hours ago until this one. Read the comments. Imagine this girl had given this lecture in a classroom. Read the comments, then tell me what is the reason people participate on the Internet on sites such as this. Does "10 ways to have a better conversation" seem to be an important consideration or are there other reasons that often provide some self-worth of oneself or being a part of something that is only a click away?
A good article, a worthy subject, but not a hit.
Have a wonderful day or night whichever is the case if you read this. six