More Americans Expected to Self-Medicate Than for Any Other Debate in History
HEMPSTEAD, NY ( The Borowitz Report )—As the nation awaits the first faceoff between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump on Monday night, more Americans are expected to self-medicate than for any other Presidential debate in history.
With over a hundred million people projected to watch the debate, roughly sixty million of them will be barely sentient after ingesting what they deem to be the necessary dose of intoxicants.
Davis Logsdon, of the University of Minnesota, estimated on Monday that the level of self-medication for the Trump-Clinton debate could be seven hundred per cent greater than for the first Obama-Romney debate, in 2012.
“The stakes seem higher this time,” Logsdon said. “There’s a sense that, depending on the outcome of tonight’s debate, all human life on the planet could be in peril.”
Across the country, liquor stores reported a desperate run on their merchandise as Americans fortified themselves for what many called “ninety minutes of horror.”
According to official estimates, by 9 P.M. E.T., the nation is expected to have a blood-alcohol level of .10 and will name Canada as its designated driver.
Link.....
HEMPSTEAD, NY ( The Borowitz Report )—As the nation awaits the first faceoff between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump on Monday night, more Americans are expected to self-medicate than for any other Presidential debate in history.
With over a hundred million people projected to watch the debate, roughly sixty million of them will be barely sentient after ingesting what they deem to be the necessary dose of intoxicants.
Davis Logsdon, of the University of Minnesota, estimated on Monday that the level of self-medication for the Trump-Clinton debate could be seven hundred per cent greater than for the first Obama-Romney debate, in 2012.
“The stakes seem higher this time,” Logsdon said. “There’s a sense that, depending on the outcome of tonight’s debate, all human life on the planet could be in peril.”
Across the country, liquor stores reported a desperate run on their merchandise as Americans fortified themselves for what many called “ninety minutes of horror.”
According to official estimates, by 9 P.M. E.T., the nation is expected to have a blood-alcohol level of .10 and will name Canada as its designated driver.
Link....More Americans Expected to Self-Medicate Than for Any Other Debate in History
Tags
Who is online
405 visitors
''According to official estimates, by 9 P.M. E.T., the nation is expected to have a blood-alcohol level of .10 and will name Canada as its designated driver.''
Well the Canadians know how to drive in the snow...Hopefully it will help.
Dear Friend Kavika: Tee many Martoonies.
E.
Enoch,
Me see many Martoonies.
:~)
The article isn't double printed, your seeing double already, niijii.
Over/ under on the appearance of the first Trump lie --- the 33 second mark.
LOL, no doubt.
18 seconds in and the first Trump lie....Ford is leaving the U.S.
9:03 PM ...it has begun.
(Introduction by Lester Holt now)
Newt Gingrich just tweeted that he thinks Trump will be "adequately competent" .
That's funny.
I think this may be true. I know I'm working on it. My Mama used to tell us to "gird our loins", whatever the hell that means, when we were to embark upon an odious task.
I'm just working on an artificial loin girding to be able to watch this thing. It may be the funniest most tragic thing any of us have seen. It's probably just going to be excruciating.
I found a tutorial for the girding of loins. Shyte. I been doing it all wrong. I'm just gonna stick with the emotional morphine.
LOL
Bad news for Hillary :
DEBATE RULES: NO COUGHING BREAKS
There is also a rule that Trumb can't wave his little hands around.
Not really . But here is another actual rule : Hillary gets a footstool and a much shorter podium so she is not dwarfed next to Trump ...
Trump appears to be gasping for breath.
He's got dry mouth too-sign of anxiety.
Doin' my part...Bells Two Hearted Ale and some nice Portland skunk.
Good job!
I am a big fan of Portland Piffle.
Oh yeah, tits-up on that!
I'm playing the reverse drinking game , only drink when they tell the truth , still have yet to have a drink.
Sadly, you might be stone cold sober by the end of this.
There are a buncha fact checker sites and they are already running up the score. Thus far, Trump is winning on the Lie O Meter.
This might be more fun than depressing. Naw.
Reverse drinking game...Ooppps
Trump keeps making faces. He must have forgot he is on split screen.
Clinton...
",,,the bigger issues are, what are his conflicts of interests?"
Trump: "paying no taxes makes me smart."
Take that America.
turned into a sniping act ( as I thought it would) , time to turn it off I guess unless I want to laugh at both sides potshots. worst debate I ever witnessed. A pox on both their houses.
Hillary Clinton looks a lot healthier than Trump does tonight.
All that sniffing and gasping for air through his nose is annoying and probably a symptom of an underlying illness.
noticed that too,,,like he's having a hard time catching his breath. perhaps all those weird faces he has made over the last eighteen months are a sign of a deeper physical/psychological problem than earlier recognized. I see a new article on the front page coming on...
If you're grading on water consumption, @realDonaldTrump is currently in the lead # debatenight
It's ok - he's got a gilded diaper on.
More water for DT.
He's nervous.
This is going very well for Hillary Clinton I think.
Trump just lost the fat vote.
This is interesting. He's nailing her like a junior high bully, verbosely appealing to simpler intellectual formulas with grandiose ideological exclamations, Clinton is coming across as a school marm with knowledge, and occasionally nailing him back with facts in an emotionally appealing manner. This is tight,,,though Clinton obviously knows more.
She is coherent, he is anything but. He's rambling, she is focused.
If someone had never seen either of these two people before tonight, I think the vast majority of people would say that Clinton won easily on demeanor and appearing "presidential".
She also won on appearing more healthy.
Trump just got NAILED on stamina.
Clinton finished strong, and won this debate.
The longer the debate went on, the more Clinton got under his skin. He really went into the weeds and lookend like a fool on the birther question.
Even after the debate when reporters were asking him about the birther question he bumbled and fumbled.
With the continued sniffing and intake of water, I was ready to call 911 for him.
Did you catch the dog whistle moment, where Trump strenuously clarified that he was sued for discrimination but "legally did not admit guilt"? That should be of some comfort to those racist shitbags supporting him.
Wow . So you were impressed with a question that went back to the mid 70s from the POV of today's politically correct BS . I'm sure you were a saint back then too ... NOT !
So you were impressed with a question that went back to the mid 70s from the POV of today's politically correct BS .
Ridiculous comment Petey. It was a legal issue even back in 1973.
Pot smoking was also a legal issue back then . What happened with that ... It became a way to put many blacks in jail .