My New Business Opens The First of September - All Are invited
My dear NT friends. I'll be opening my new business on the 1st of September. The name will be, (drum roll please)
Little Thunder's Cigar, Book Store, Fry Bread Shop and Beauty Parlor. (we do braids and face paint)
I just received my Cigar Store White Guy (hey, turnabout is fair play) and I have a very prominent place for him outside in the snow and cold. I've named him White Owl, and he be a White Owl holding a box of White Owl's.
I received my first supply of books. I expect ''Arrow in my Shirt'' by G.A. Custer to be a big seller along with Alcoholism in the Non-Indian community. Another hot seller will be ''Become an Indian and don't pay taxes'' by Johnny Depp of the Faguwe Tribe. On the non fiction side, I've already received requests for ''Are Indians really Red, or the First Rednecks.''
I applied to the BIA (Big Indian Assoc) for a loan to get my business started. I got it and don't have to pay it back, ain't America grand! Something about a minority owned business, your tax dollars at work.
My Uncle, Bernie Who-Walks-The-Horse, will be handling the Fry Bread. Bernie, an expert in this, has developed BBQ Fry Bread, we do live in the south. Well almost, and in Missouri BBQ is a religion. My Blood Brother, Enoch is sending a gross of Kosher Winnebagels to add to our somewhat limited menu. Courtesy of the ''Lost Tribe''.
My blood sister Nona will be supplying the ''Frizza'' as co inventor of Frizza (fry bread pizza) she worked long and hard with my Uncle Bernie Who-Walks-The-Horse.
For our Grand Opening we were going to have a Pow Wow, with Fancy Dancers (a couple of make believe Indians from Dancing with the Stars or Victoria's Secret). I was going to do my always popular ''Down Home Stomp Dance''. We'll have Rez Dogs, with Wiki the Warrior Wonder Wiener and Annie the Orphan there doing their thing. At the last minute I've decided to add a ''Square Dance''...I don't understand the meaning of the Square Dance, but thought that I should open it up to white minorities as well. Being a good neighbor and all that.
Just yesterday, Robert Redford contacted me to see if I would be willing to hold a ''Sundance Festival'' (the pun of all puns, but you'll probably have to be Indian to get it) with movies from the non-Indian community. They are given so little coverage that Robert thought that it would be a good thing for race relations to include them, even if in a minor way. One of the movies will be ''I lost my head at an Indian Casino''. Staring Adam Beach as a broke white guy. Co-staring Johnny Depp as Adams side kick, Tone-Deaf.
All my rellies ( Indian for relative) will be there, they number around 500 or so at last count and will be from as far away as next door. Remember we are all related and I can't leave out any rellies. Sleeping arrangements are pending.
I have notified the local sheriff, Buford A. Buford (strange things happen in the Ozarks) that he may see a lot of cars and trucks that look strange to him. Rez cars and truck are a whole different breed (pun intended). A dream catcher hanging from the rear view mirror. One headlight out, each door a different color, Red Power spray painted on the side, and at least 20 years old.
I have been told that white people can't dance. I don't know that for sure, it may be a stereotype but to cover all the bases I'm giving away to the first 25 white people a copy of my book. Dance the Indian way, Drum and Stomp. The first non native group to do this was the Isley Brothers and they called it ''Jump and Shout''..Since the Isley Brothers weren't white guys, you know that they could jump.
My new business will be ozone free to keep line with our motto...Don't take up all the oxygen fool.
Plan on being there September 1st...
Directions as follows...Whether your coming for the east, west, south or north it's best to note that we are in the heart of the Ozarks, deep into Indian Country and moonshine country. No worries we won't attack your wagon train. We are businessmen most of the time.
When you come to the fork in the road (pun intended) follow the road less traveled until you come to the bent tree, left at the bent tree, pass Firewater Freddies Ozark Shine establishment. Then a quick right at the single wide trailer with the coat hanger for an antenna...100 yards straight ahead and you have arrived.
Stay calm folks, it's satire.
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It's satire so staying calm is required.
Excellent piece of work, Kavika. Gave me the good laugh I needed today.
Happy you enjoyed it RW.
Will your store carry pants that will fit "Little Big Man" in the crotch area?
Mac, I plan on introducing the Ojibwe Cool line of clothing in the near future. The buckskin britches will come in various crotch sizes...I'll be naming the smallest crotch size, ''little hands'' in honor of the ''Great White Father''.
First of all, I think this article is funny, clever and meaningful. And will find a good audience on Newstalkers. American Indians are an unjustly neglected presence in American life.
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To my knowledge, there are zero black people on Newstalkers. Had someone posted a similar article to this one, satirically lampooning whites from a black viewpoint, I don't think the reception would be as nice. I think we would see such an article attacked, as a matter of fact.
Just goes to show you that the audience is as important as the message.
''And will find a good audience on Newstalkers.''
We shall see JR.
Looks like fun! Can I get there from Kentucky? We have a lot of places that would be neat to visit, but you can't get there from here...
You can get here from there Dowser. Just head southwest and stop when you run into a still.
Just don't take the scenic route, right?
That's good start Dowser.
Is it anywhere near Jay's Diner?
Nope, a thousands plus miles south east of Jay's..
But we do share a certain atmosphere. The smell of fry bread pizza...
Nope, a thousands plus miles south east of Jay's..
But we do share a certain atmosphere. The smell of fry bread pizza...
Well that is disappointing
on the distance, but I do like fry bread pizza
. Will you be offering coupons or twofer deals on opening day?
OMG John, we are a upper crust establishment. Coupons and twofers are something that we would never do, it's so McDonalds...
We do take Green Stamps though (you have to be kinda old to remember Green Stamps)
Hysterical !!!!
Thanks Nona. Grand openings and adventures is my middle name.
Very funny! Love it!
I'm looking forward to the Grand Opening Kat, now that will be an adventure.
Should I bring my own fork, or can I just re-purpose the one in the road?
We're big into re-purposing on the rez Steve. I'd go for the one in the road.
Kavika, I have been to your new store three times and each time I was very pleased.
However, I do have a minor complaint. At the front door you have a beautiful display of various arrows of different sizes. I glanced over at the arrow counter and noticed the clerk behind the counter was absolutely stunning. I could not resist getting a better look, so I headed towards her and the arrows..
There was a long line at the arrow counter so I had to wait about forty-five minutes. When it was my turn to place my order, I was told all the arrows had been sold ... the only thing she could offer me was the shaft. She explained that the arrow heads and feathers were back ordered. Foolish me, just to engage this beautiful young lady in conversation a bit longer, I told her I would take the shaft. She offered to gift wrap the shaft, but I declined. I paid and left, happy to have spent a few moments with such a lovely young lady.
Out on the front porch of your store I noticed a group of men who looked like the other customers who were in front of me at the arrow counter. They had all gotten the shaft, too, and were discussing getting back in line to get shaft again.
I think your store will be profitable, Kavika. I have gotten the shaft three times already and I am going back tomorrow with that same group of men.
Al
LOL, good one Al. I see that you've caught on to my advertising trap. My cousin, Ashley Callingbull is the one that is giving you and others the shaft. I'm quite happy that your enjoying getting the shaft.
This is Ashley when she was named Miss Canada.
Yes. She is the one.
I am just pulling up to your store now and there's already a long line waiting for the store to open.
LOL, Al is stuck on Ashley...A very good choice I may add.
Don't you have a cousin that is a singer ?? This cousin absolutely beautiful !!
Yes I do, Keith Secola....Hey Nona beauty runs in the family. I mean, just look at me...LOL...oh those are not old age wrinkles, they're experience lines.
Dear Friend Kavika: I bought a box of Little Thunder's Cigars.
Over time, they went up in smoke.
I made a sandwich of fry break and Col. Chaim Yonkel's Ceasarea Fried Chicken.
It tasted and looked like a UFO (unidentified frying object).
Next week I am scheduled at the beauty shop.
Monday - Thursday 8:00 AM - 5:00 PM.
Friday 9:00 AM, pick up the estimate.
They offered to paint over my face. Two coats.
As the company motto goes, "If your dying to fry, fry Little Thunder.
Enoch, Dining on two wings and a prayer.
LOL, it's the two coats of paint that count...That will cover all the ''experience lines''...