"Howdy, The News Talkers Fiends", I be a newbie and I want to introduce myself to you all!
A short, but, sad introduction to my new friends on The News Talker.com
I was once like you, now, I'm not.
Due primarily to the frequent, unsolicited beatings I have endured from Conservative Right Wing Christians who daily seek to convert me to their strange, backwoods Mythology.
I have repeatedly tried to explain to them that I have my own spiritual approach. I am an ORTHODOX DRUID, but, like all Christians, they do not believe in "sparing the rod". They believe in crushing the head of non-believers by stoning them, but, not with Marijuana, which, they claim is the Devil's weed. Stoning with a fist side rock is God's way of atonement.
I, in summary, I am, as the local, here, in Mildew say, "Not Right in da head"! Definitely not Right! More Left Leaning I would say.
In my capacity, or, lack, thereof, as Publisher of less than prestigious, Eat The Press - Do Not Read It, ("located in lovely, but, nearly all torn down Mildew, Ohio, where there are no jobs, not even blow jobs") I am somewhat of a local oddity.
Frequently, I am mobbed by my raving, "nearly-naked" fans, as I lumber about on my daily journey to and from the Dick Cheney Nursing Home for the Terminally Weird, where "Waterboarding is not a torture. It's a therapy!"
Where is Mildew, Ohio, I hear some of you ask? Well, for those of you that might be "Curious Yellow", or, a little freakish, "Where Is dat Dump?" is"
"Just a Sharp Right Turn from Commonsense". Or, a hop skip and jump from the "Outer Limits", where legend has it, I was conceived by a sea lion and a very cross, crossed eye, near-sighted pigeon.
Mildew, my fellow feathered fiends, is a "gated "community. No one knows who built the gate, or, why, but, like so many of our fellow Americans, we, too, live in absolute isolation surrounded by a minefield, machine gun turrets and numerous "Toxic Material" warning signs! No one knows for certain if the security measures were designed to keep us in, or, to keep others out! I suspect for both.
Mildew, not that anyone wants to know, is a community comprised of largely Left Lending Liberals, Too, Damn Lazy to Work! We just love that "FREE GOVERNMENT CHEESE"! It is mailed to us once per month, along with our Food Stamps, Obama Cell Phones, and, the latest issue of Hustler magazine. Dr. "Been Crazy", head of HUD has stepped up the "freebies", now, that he and his family entire family, like us, is sucking at the guv'mint tit!
Come visit, us, sometimes, you all. It will be an experience of a lifetime. We don't bite, not at first sight. We are a registered "Tourist Trap" according to the FBI, "where folks check in, but, few check out".
That witty slogan was created by our own Digger O'Dell, owner of the local hotel/funeral home. Digger is the sole Republican in our dimly light community and the only White Man that looks and smells like a Black Vampire.
Come visit us . . . we are desperate, and, don't mine groveling!
Mildew is easy to find if you're still lucky enough to own an auto, we are the second exist passed the sign that reads, "Twilight Zone"!
Our motto is "One small step for man, one gigantic leap from reality"!
See you soon! Bring your own spoon. We eat with our hands.
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Inside all of us, a very crazy person resides. Find your nuts. I can help you.
Enlightenment is not free!
Neither are cheeseburgers, see!
The first 25 respondent get a wad of already chewed gum. Why waste good denture on new gum when you can get gum that is "done"?
I'm sure that more than one time I've resided in Mildew. Actually I committed myself, none of the government intervention for me.
Kavila, I do remember you, now. The make up scared a lot of folks here, and, we are all sorry now, about always burning your house down.
Hi there Eat the Press, it is good to have you here on NT. Many of us have been here for some time and if you need help with something, just ask and one of us will be glad to help out.
Yes, I, like some others, have spent a portion of my life in Mildew. It did take some time to realize that it was not a place that I really wanted to spend the rest of my life. Fortunately, the time I spent in Mildew helped me gain the inner strength to move on and find a better path.
However, there are times when I think I might still have a bit of Mildew left overs to deal with, but, not for long. I am claustrophobic and find that confines don't really suit me.
Thanks for the very enlightening and enjoyable article. I may come for a visit one day. (smile)
He’s been here for a long time too.
Ahhh....thank you for the heads up. I do remember Jonathan by that name being here for a good while. But, with so many new people coming here I am never sure that my memory serves me correctly. (grin)
He said this:
I be a newbie ...
So what does that mean?
Obviously...he a "Born Again"...literally a genuine Born Again Newbie!
(They're hard to find, but a useful addition to any online site
Sort of like 'Hen's teeth'? (grin)
And "Eat the Press' may have been on NV as well...???
Absolutely! And in various incarnations (e.g. Jonathan Livingston Pigeon-Poo). Not really a newbie.
but he's harmless and he's a righteous dude
I had no ideas that "Trouts Giggle"! Is that why I, on occasions, have mild attacks of "chuckles" after eating a trout?
possibly
Or maybe you ate the funny bone. You know trout can be quite bony
Well, I'd be. One learns so much science, here, on The News Talker.com.
Well, as a professional "Confidence Man", my career requires that I travel frequently, often under the cover of darkness, and at the slightest knock of the door, due to the secrecy of my work.
Therefore, I was forced by the pursuits of disgruntled employees, lovers, business partners, and such, to utilize many inconspicuous Nom de Plumes.
Among my favorites are:
1. Untrue Merridethe, The III, publisher and founder of EAT THE PRESS - DO NOT READ IT! The content is worthless, the value is in the pulp in the paper when one eats it. So, EAT IT, MICHAEL! Don't Beat It! That is so Paseo!
2. Jonathan Livingston Pigeon-Poo, CEO of the Bird Droppings Institute - A Think Tank For Morons, No Idiots, please! "We do your think fer you for money, honey"!
3. My spiritual side was exposed as "The Very, very Reverend Oral Fleecez', Pasteur, Church of the How Big Is Your Wallet, How Small Is Your Brain?
4. And, of course, my medical training, lack thereof, came in very handy when I portrayed Doctors Ding Dong and Ding-A-Ling, Siamese Twins conjoined in a unique manner.
There were so many others "Pen Name", that my Mother wrote to from her quarters at the Dick Cheney Nursing Home For Wayward Republicans, where "Waterboarding is a therapy, not torture"!
Cerf ice it to say, that it is good to be back in the warm bosom of The News Talker.com community of broken wings and shattered dreams where "mum", no snitching is better than rum, and, not as messy.
Note, not that I have anything to hide!
Well, it looks like I have been "outed again". I may have to "skiddadle" out of heres, too, if'n' the word gets out. I have secret society pursuing me all the times, mostly, in me Night Scares.
Newsvine.com, like so many of my Literary Publishers, were often jealous of my artistry and liberties that I took, and, frequently, all to frequently, I was, innocently confined to Newsvine.com Jail.
So, naturally, as a "born again", I did just that under another alias.
Actually, I cut my teeth on "Hem's teeth", Hemingway, with my first offering: "The Old Man And The Desert", A Hilarious Parody of Hemingway's Classic. It got me barred from Key West.
I'll share it with you, if you beg.
Mine never did, Raven Wood. Finally, like "the Donald", I stopped listening to it. Now I am "unglued" all the time.
I am not "harmless", "mindless", but, not "harmless". That is so demeaning! I would report you to CoC, but, my "Jesus" taught me to "Forgive, but, Never Forget", so, I can't.
Oh, the Life of a Tooth Sayer is torturous.
Pardon me, sir. I will never call you harmless again.
I bite the last girl that did that. It was in the Second Grade. It seems like only yesterday. Perhaps, it was!
Well Raven Wood, I do have a problem that I can not seem to solve.
It's "technical" in nature, so, as a woman, do you think you can really help me, with you being as General John Kelly said, "women are to be idolized and placed on a pedestal" as there place in our society. You know, the pedal that I am talking about fer woman, built back in the 1950's, according to the Commander-In-Cheetos's Chief of Staff, General John Kelly.
I don't want the Guv'mint coming down on us.
The photo ( shopped a bit I suspect ) of DJT Jr. is outstanding.
On the lighter side, and much to my chagrin, this morning the neighbor on the other side of the road on the NE corner by the pond righted his Trump/Pence sign, which is beginning to show some wear I must add, pounded the stake firmly into the ground and in less than an hour a deer moved through, knocked the sign down again and ten minutes later a gaggle of geese ambled through on their way to the pond and several of them pooped on the sign. Was not great day in Mildew, Ohio again.
Sometimes its tough being a true believer I guess.
I thought more like Eric?
Oh, no, all of me words, photos and scientific discoveries are the work of others. I never buy anything for sale, that is so paseo! "Liberate things" is what I always say, when questioned by the police, "I did not steal that. I liberated it!"
Usually, after 5 years they let you go, too. Suckers!
Yes, it does look more like Eric than Donald Trump, junior. Both have that "trout mouth" look of someone that that has just swallowed a live fish and is in the throes of belching.
You have a keen eye. Are you a spy? There are so many among us, now. One must ask, as in my old profession, "Are you a cop", before exchanging money.
Thanks for your post.
Well, in Mildew, Ohio, where there are no jobs, not even blow jobs, the wild life is smarter than the town folks.
Bring your own spoon. We eat with our hands.
What, no sporks?
Sporks? They're Foons...
That is correct. So many Trump "Deplorable" have difficulty with their "s's" as in "Sh*t Hole Countries"! Much of my early life was spent there. That is where I learned to be fluent in cursing, which I enjoy to this day.
No, "sporks", they were out-lawed when Jimmy Carter came to town, as "too dangerous". He was such a "whoosh", you know.
We also do not eat with our clothes on, in case anyone is packing.
Welcome to NT!
You should come with me to Eastern KY, where the little burgs of Couch, Springs, and Climax lay...
Love to visit other countries! Do I need a passport, shots, a Conservative Approved Bible, and a portable Spit Tune, as I had been advised decades ago that they items were mandatory?
LOL!
I hear that! It is like a sixth sense when one "chuckle", my hungry, needy ego picks it up instantly and nourishes on it for weeks. Thanks for sharing the "LOL"!
Hi, Eat the Press Do Not Read It, I am John K Roberts, your alter self, living in the lap of poverty as you luxuriate yourself at my expense. One day, "Pow, Right in the Kisser, Alice"!