Darkness (continued)
On January 15, I returned to my apartment and at some point collapsed. I didn't pass out, but just collapsed to the floor. It felt so good just lying there and not moving. The next day my two sons found me. While in the ER they were advised to call in family, etc. So much for that....here I am! I hadn't been feeling well for a few weeks...no energy and trouble breathing. My son wanted me to go to the doctor, bu I didn't. My diagnosis was pneumonia and the flu. I was told that it was so toxic that it put my body in chaos.
The worst is yet to come.
My first vision was people dressed in white gowns with white masks. In and out of reality. Smothering and no one will help me. I want to go home. My hands are tied and I can't move my legs. Please let me go home. Please, dear God, help me! I needed to breathe. The sign appeared**first, very clear, then, fading away. My anxiety eased and I could breathe better.
After three weeks in the ICU and three weeks in a ward, I was released to a re hab facility. There was nothing more they could do for me in the hospital. So, I was transported late one evening to the facility. Dark, lonely and I am crazy as hell. That is when I talked to the cabbage man and a woman namef Sues talked to me all night.
While I was there an ongoing show was going on in my head. No food, fictitious people, police banging on the doors to arrest me with TV cameras and busloads of school kids, , throwing myself on the floor to be noticed, and I keep telling them that my son, Mark, is coming to get me. Where is Mark?
I was so afraid then and still am.
**A sign of an oval ivory colored figure with a black background.
..........to be continued
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Maybe, one day it will go away.
Dear Friend Magnoliaave: Hang in there.
You are not alone or unarmed.
Tap into the deep roots of your heritage.
However strong the head winds, trees with deep strong roots sway but are not uprooted.
This Sunday you and yours celebrate a time of new beginnings.
Of re-invigoration.
Tap into that theme.
I am here for you.
E.
I am just beginning to have control over my legs. Physical therapy helped and the support I get from my sons is treasured. It is tough as I can't think of this without becoming emotional.But, I have to tell it to relieve my mind.
Dear Friend Magnoliaave: Best to get it all out.
Here and in private notes and personal emails.
Listening.
Enoch.
That flu is really nasty stuff Mag. Very good that you're back. The physical symptoms will go away as you regain strength. The emotional hit will take a bit longer but it will eventually fade too. Enoch is right. The best thing is to get it out, not just where your friends will know about it and help however we can but also out where you can see it. The scariest thing in the world is something that you're unable to understand and can't figure out how to understand because you can't look at it clearly. Once you've looked at it, it won't be nearly as frightening.
The helplessness. If I ever saw a disabled person being abused, I would lose all control.
Yes. In December, as you state above, you mentioned something *alarming* was going on with you, but it was a mystery and you were unable to share it. Dear lady, I am glad you know now what it is and that much has been done already and will continue to be done to help you mend. You will be in my prayers. May you be blessed in body, mind, and spirit. May as many of us as will, offer you words of encouragement, endurance, and strengthening today.
Tell us as much as you feel safe and proper in disclosing. Sharing these moments can have unexpected healing processes on a deep, deep, level. I am so glad you had your boys coming by to look in and help you decide to go to the Emergency Room! Pneumonia and flu, my goodness! You had to be distressed beyond your ability to cope.
Well, we're here for you to listen and share . . . .
Thank you. By the time the boys got here to check on me, I was a few breaths away from dead so the doctors said. Don't remember any of that.
Dire straits! I am so glad your sons knew to get you to the Emergency Room right away. I'm not a medical person, but I imagine you were breathing shallowly, majorly dehydrated, and suffering from confusion. If you have never experienced pneumonia before, it is hard to know what it is!
Family. Your sons deserve extra hugs! Moreover, you have this online network. Someone is hear all day - everyday. Send up a flare! We can call someone and get help to you.