I have decided to throw my head into the Presidential Hat for 2020. Send Money!
The upcoming presidential election, scheduled for 2020, if we still have a country, by then. After careful review of the presidential fodder currently under consideration, I decided that "Hell, I am that stupid why don't I jump in, also". And, my mommy said, "Why don't you? After all, you are a full-time moron and a part-time idiot. So, you qualify".
Based solely on my instincts and self-aggrandizement, like Trump, I decided to "toss my head into the presidential hat," and, run as an "a tee-toting spoiler", like Jill Stein, and Bernie did.
"Stinker" was already taken, so I couldn't acquire, the more apt name for my new party of "Distraught Hayseeds, Screwed Deplorables and Left Leaning Liberals to Lazy to Get a Job" (not even a "blow job".
Here is my platform for you all to applaud:
1. BLOW BEFORE YOU VOTE!
Before Legislators cast their vote, they must demonstrate that they are not drunk, or, stoned by "blowing" into a breathalyzer hooked up to their voting apparatus.
Many states in 'Merica require drivers with multiple citations for "Driving Under the Influence" to "BLOW BEFORE THEY GO".
I am proposing a similar device be installed on their Voting Box.
Well, Fellow NewsTalkers.com fiends, misfits, and "natural-born gossipers", I believe that politicians are too often "DRUNK ON POWER", or, a variety of substances.
Congressional leaders have the ability to authorize war!
No sane nation would want drunk legislators making decisions that might kill others, do, we?
2. MANDATORY "DAILY TRUMP DUMPS"!
As many of you are aware the Center For Disease Control (CDC) issued a "dire warning" recently advising Americans to save our country!
"We must, the CDC advised, or, some federal agency with similar initials, urged us to "cleanse our body Politics".
They recommended that every 'Merican start each day with their "Morning Trump Dump".
And added, "Don't forget to Wipe Your Pence. That thing is MORE TOXIC than one's Trump Dump"!
I proposed that we make it a mandatory requirement for all American citizens.
Obviously, it will take a long time to clean up Trump's constantly flowing Crap!
3. BAN REPUBLICANS - NOT GUNS!
To make Americans feel safe, we must "Ban Republicans, not guns".
We may need guns later to get rid of Calcified Conservative Republicans.
4. "MAKE AMERICA GRITS, AGAIN!"
Many Americans, particularly, "Trump Supporters" feeling sad, SHOCKED and disenfranchised since they discovered that Trump's famous slogan that got him elected was not "Make America Grits, Again".
Rather, it actually reads, "Make America Grapes, Again", proposed by Winos and the Wine Distributors who lobbied Trump's campaign with, what else, WINE.
Or, so I was told by a wino living in the basement of the Washington Monument, by the name of, "Sloppy Steve" Bannon!
My first Executive Order will BE TO immediately repeal that slogan.
It is personal, I do not like Grapes, the seeds stick in my teeth.
5. "END GOVERNMENT OF CORPORATIONS, for the Corporations, By the Corporations . . . Until death do us part!"
I believe we should change it back to "Government of Special Interest for Special Interest", because we all have special interests.
Mine is killing flies with a hammer. What's urine.
6. IF CONGRESS LOVES THE MINIMUM WAGE SO MUCH- LET'S MAKE THEM LIVE On "MINIMUM WAGES"!
That will motivate their greedy butts to get off their collective cans and raise the "minimum wage". They probably immediately raise it to $1000 per hour.
7. SAVE TREES - NOT WALL STREET THIEVES!
8. NEVER TRUST A POLITICIAN WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BIBLE IN THE OTHER.
Restore the Separation of Church and State by taxing rich Evangelical, Born Up Side Down and Backward billionaire preachers.
9. NO WARS DECLARED UNLESS CONGRESS'S OFF- OFFSPRINGS, GRANDCHILDREN. SPOUSES, AND, THEIR IMMEDIATE RELATIVES ARE ENLISTED FIRST!
This will slow down the bulk of the military actions that Congress loves to approve.
But, when push gets to shove, politicians will send their own children to war if they can profit from it.
It will not solve all of our wars, but, it will slow them down some.
10. ONLY HOMOSEXUALS SHOULD BE ELECTED TO PUBLIC OFFICE - It's their turn in the barrel.
If you agree with my well-thought-out platform, send me your wallet, % of Eat The Press - Do Not Read It, Do Not Read Anything. Ignorance is Bliss!
Sin-cerely,
Wintrope Merridethe, The III,
CEO & Flounder
E.T.P,
(We are the "original" FAKE NEW, not the REAL NEWS our FAKE president whines about.
We, here, at Eat The Press - Do Not Wipe Your Bun With It are so FAKE, we just make CRAP UP!)
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I have made my decision. Do Not Try To Talk Me Out of It!
A sack of wooden nickles on the way.
Thank you, those things are priceless. I may not have to run. I was only doing it for the money.
Wow, that was quick. An answer to my dreams. Could you throw in a luxurious woman, like Stormy, too?