Kavika in the Land Down Under - A Night At The Opera
We were living in Australia at the time and my wife was an opera fan. Me, not so much, well actually not at all...Really I hated it.
I had been on a business trip to S.E. Asia and had just returned home. We were living in an area of Sydney named Elizabeth Bay, or as we knew it, E Z Bay. I was a bit tired and was looking forward to sitting on the patio and watching the boats sail by with a drink in hand. Just as I settled in the Redhead tells me we are going to the Sydney Opera House to see an opera, some German name. Oh no Red, I'm tired, stressed out and need some rest. I did not want to go watch the ''Fat Lady'' sing.
Needless to say we ended up going to the opera. Black Tie and all. On the way to our seats we stopped and had a glass of wine, this was not a good idea. First off I don't drink, second I was dead tired. Third, well I'll tell you the story.
We were escorted to our seats by a beautiful young lady, this was a good sign. Settling in, let me tell you, the Aussies do a lot of thing right, but making comfortable seats is not one of them. Once settled in, the people around us were chatting. I'm not a chatter and being tired didn't add to my chattyness. Of course the Redhead was all a twitter and talking to everyone.
Soon the lights went down, and the band started. I know it's not a band, it's an orchestra, but I'm a band kind of guy and I'm writing the story so band it will be. Within seconds the stage was covered with some really strange looking people in helmets, hair in braids which I thought was pretty cool. Then the singing started. Oh my, my ears went into revolt, it was horrible. Suffering though this for some time my thoughts began to wander, the wine was taking effect and I was getting pretty mellow. Propping my elbow on the arm support I was suddenly hit the the dreaded ''JET LAG'' effect.
The woman sitting next to me was in her early to mid 40's, and rather well built. As my head leaned against my hand, it struck...JET LAG and I was asleep in a second. The next thing that I knew my elbow had slipped off the arm rest and I went head first into the biggest boobs in Australia. The Redhead was mortified, I was well, comfortable with the pillows that I landed on and the woman was terrified and let out a scream that could be heard throughout the opera house.
Struggling to remove my head from her boobs I made the awful discovery that my head was stuck to her boobs. By now most people in the Opera House were looking at us. What in the hell, why is my head stuck to her boobs...Then the real terror stuck me. My hair, which I wore in a pony tail, was stuck in a broach that she was wearing. The more I tried to pull away only managed to pull her boobs towards me. I was being attacked by the biggest boobs in Australia. Red was beside herself, the woman was hysterical and the audience was really beginning to think that this could turn into an international incident. Of course the ''Fat Lady'' kept singing and the band played on.
Knowing that my life was hanging in the balance, I put my hands on the women's shoulders, held them firm and jerked my head back. I felt like my hair was being ripped out by the roots when a broach went flying by my head and struck the elderly gentlemen sitting in front of us in the back of the head. Red was screaming at me, ''What are you doing'', I have to admit it looked bad, my hands on her shoulders, her dress ripped and one boob dangerously close to jumping out, the old guy in front of us claiming that I had attacked him.
I had to do something quickly. Pulling myself to my feet and looking at the woman with a stunned look on my face, I said in a very loud voice, ''Well I never expected to be attacked at the Opera, please ma'dam keep your hands to yourself.'' Grabbing the Redhead, who by now was on the verge of a complete breakdown, by the arm I marched, head held high to the exit and left the building.
I later found out that the broach was worth about $10,000 and the woman was the wife of the deputy under-secratary of something or other at the U.S. Embassy.
Needless to say my wife never asked me to go to the opera again. Oh, I was sent back to the states shortly thereafter.
Kavika 2012. All rights reserved. Do not use without permission
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Needless to say that Red has never ''invited'' me to the opera again.
OMG....I remember this one from long ago. I laughed for days after reading it. I am glad to read it again, as I could use the good laughs for several days again. Thank you for sharing this great story again. (smile)
Laughs are good for the soul. Problem is no one was laughing at the opera...LOL
I bet there were some who were laughing after they left and got to thinking of talking about it. Especially, if they were explaining it in detail to someone else. (grin)
Fair dinkum, won't have to go there again.
Thank goodness for that dave. I don't think Red could handle another international incident..
Here ya go Kav.
LOL, I haven't seen that in a very long time...Truly funny...
It fit so well with your story I had to add it.
Now that is a good one! Thank you.
Thanks Doc, happy that you enjoyed it.
This is as funny as the first time I read it...… This is a true classic Chief!!
Thanks Nona.
LOLOLOL!!!
Damn funniest story i've heard in a while!
Thanks Kavika!
I am half tempted to wonder if one didn't pull a stunt to achieve a life-time pass from the opera...
GASP, I'm shocked, shocked I tell you...To even think that there was an ulterior motive is GASP, shocking...,
So did you realize beforehand that your ponytail could double as a bosom broach remover; or, is that just a perk that comes with it?
:~)
I'll be taking the 5th on that...
Hahaa.
I can't help but wonder, if I was there near you if I would have involved myself in the ruckus. Then of course I could walk the isle down and out as well.
With head held high as only a opera lover could do...Oh shit, wait a minute..
Great story! Hilarious !
Thanks pat, happy that you enjoyed it.
Wish I could do the sound effects, but War has a song that has the most beautiful chorus of "and the band played on" - which opera bands are prone to do. They just don't know when to shut up.
I do remember that as I marched out, head held high, the Fat Lady was singing and singing and singing...LOL
Boy, did I blow that one - "The Ball of Confusion" by the Temptations -
"And the Band Played On".
I love that song...You know that I showed them those steps. It's true.
Kavika..
I don't know what I like better.. the story or the photo ...
I had no idea you knew Rene Magritte.
You not only tell a great story, but apparently you are quite the conceptualist! A man for all seasons and pow wows.
Ha, you made the connection...
What can I say...A man for all seasons/pow wows...LOL
That was a really funny story Kavika. I got the feeling I was sitting a few seats over and up one row watching ti.
Then you know that it's a true blue story...
Jet lag? ppfffftttttt. I'm betting you put on swim fins and a snorkel and dove right in.
You realize of course, that had you stayed through intermission, you would have received handshakes and back pats from every husband in attendance.
But seriously, this might be my all-time favorite Kav contribution.
But, but, i'm innocent I tell ya.
The greatest stories told are life events. This is a hoot!
Thanks LynneA, happy that you got a laugh out of it.
The visual from your written description had me sitting in the theater watching your story unfold. Your writing skills are most appreciated.
I laughed and laughed and laughed.....
Laughing is good for the soul or sole. Depending.....LOL
Hilarious ..... extra credit for quick thinking under pressure
Not nearly as bad but I had an "under pressure" event like that once at a theater in Toronto. My GF at the time wanted to treat me by making all the arrangements for Miss Saigon which i had been wanting to see. Transpo, hotel, tickets the works. I usually did all that when we were together so it was rather new to her. Everything was great, went by the books right up to when we got seated and starting to settle in for the show, when i noticed a usher walking our way. Being a sports guy who see's stuff like this all the time (people sitting in the wrong seats/section) i elbowed her and said, look, some dumbass is sitting in the wrong seats. We got a chuckle out of that until the usher started working his way towards us. I was getting a bad feeling about this .....
We were sitting in the correct seats but long story short, they were for the day before. It was a seminal moment in our relationship because for the first time i saw the teeth come out on this demure 105 lb woman and they were fully engaged. She totally snapped, started arguing and taking swings at the usher. I had hold her back and carry her out bodily lest she be spending the night in jail. Her in her nice evening dress and me in a fancy Jame Bond tux. Instead i preceded to chase a crazy woman around downtown Toronto for the next hour or so, trying to calm her down until i gave up and went back to the room.
Not sure anyone in the theater could hear me over her screams but best i could come up with under pressure was "shit happens." Short and sweet but i have to admit, it didn't help much either.
Yeah .... good times
LOL good story and despite her possible arguments to the contrary sometimes shit does indeed happen.
Shit happens at the most inopportune times...LOL, the visual is priceless.