Republicans Projected to Pick up Seventy Seats in Prison
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a development that could dramatically change the composition of the federal penitentiary system, Republicans are projected to pick up as many as seventy seats in prison, a leading incarceration expert said on Thursday.
“Prognostication is an inexact science,” Davis Logsdon, who studies conviction rates of corrupt politicians for the University of Minnesota’s Guilt Project, said. “Having said that, if current indictment trends hold up, the Republicans could be flipping at least seventy key prison seats.”
Logsdon broke down criminal cases against Republicans into likely convictions, likely acquittals, and toss-ups, and found that the G.O.P.’s path to the magic number of seventy new prison cells was “very doable.”
According to his projections, Republicans are running for prison “especially well” in districts where the G.O.P. member of Congress was an early supporter of Donald J. Trump.
“In those districts, we’re seeing Republicans who did an incredible job of raising money,” he said. “All of that money is going to translate into a huge number of new freshman prisoners.”
All in all, Logsdon sees the prospect of seventy new Republicans in prison as “nothing short of seismic.”
“Prisons need to get ready,” he said. “A red wave is coming.”
DeVos Says Trump’s Forty-Per-Cent Approval Rating Means More Than Half of Country Supports Him
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—An exuberant Betsy DeVos said on Monday that Donald J. Trump’s forty-per-cent approval rating is a “clear indication” that more than half the country agrees with the job he is doing.
“I was so excited to see the President’s approval rating hit forty,” DeVos, the Secretary of Education, told reporters. “Just knowing that well more than half the country is with him gives us a great sense of confidence moving forward.”
She also criticized the media for failing to report “our powerful forty-per-cent mandate.”
“If you believed news reports, you would think that the people supporting the President are in the minority, when in fact they’re forty per cent,” she said.
Concluding her remarks, DeVos offered defiant words to those who are “actively trying to thwart” Trump’s agenda. “To you critics out there who think you’re in the majority, I have some advice for you,” she said. “Do the math.”