To The Woman With the Bruises
To The Woman With the Bruises
To the Woman with the Bruises,
I know you. I don't know your name, where you live, your age or your phone number.
But I know you.
I know that look in your eyes. That frightened, defeated, depressed, broken look.
I know you, because I once saw that look in my own eyes.
I know what it's like to live with someone who terrifies you. I know what it's like to go to sleep sick and wake up scared.
I know you.
And I want you to hear me, as one survivor to another: It's not your fault.
I know the psychological warfare you've been besieged with. I know how your self-esteem is non-existent, replaced by a constant stream of negatives. I know that you've come to believe that you're so useless, damaged, stupid and lazy that you deserve every word hurled at you in anger, every blow that's ever landed upon you, be it emotionally or physically. I know you believe that if you could just be BETTER, this would all go away, that you'd meet with approval, that finally, he'd be happy. And love you.
After all, he can be sweet, can't he? You have memories that you treasure in your heart, that you keep close and turn back to, time and again. There's hope there. Proof that he can be loving, and kind, and gentle. The rage that takes him over, that's what's to blame. At heart, he's so loving, isn't he?
Here's the truth: No. No, he's not.
His rage is just a part of him as any good you've ever seen. And the reality is that no amount of enduring his rage will ever get him to stop. Nothing you say or do is responsible for his behavior, and therefore, nothing you say or do will ever make him stop lashing out at you.
Because it's all on him. You bear no responsibility for his abuse of you. None.
It doesn't matter how angry you make him, what you've done. If you burn dinner, return home late after work, decided to go out for a girls' night, put a dent in the car. Doesn't. Matter. As an adult, HE has the responsibility to control his emotions, because he's the only one that actually can. There is NOTHING you can ever do that would justify him putting his hands on you in anger. There just isn't.
It doesn't matter WHY he's abusive. It just doesn't. Be it mental illness, addiction or just being an evil, abusive jerk. The end result is the same. Someone that abuses their partner is not someone you need to be with. You can't heal him, save him or fix him. You need to attend to your own safety.
And as for all that crap he's drilled into your head? Think about something: If you're so lazy, stupid, ugly, fat or whatever load of psychologically damaging crap he's hammered into your head, ask yourself... why would he want to have someone like that around? Considering how high his standards are, it makes no sense at all, does it? It's because you're none of those things. What you are is a wonderful person who has the right to be treated by a partner as a blessing in their lives.
He breaks you down, psychologically and physically, because he knows he's not worthy of you, so controlling you, keeping you caged by fear and self-loathing, is the only hope he's got. That's why he ups the stakes the way he does. Finding fault with something he'd praised before -- be it a meal you cooked or a dress you wore -- shows that he needs to assure himself that no matter what he does, he's in control.
There is never, ever a way to satisfy him.
I'm praying you get out. Leave him. There are women's shelters that you can run to. Or, like the Superbowl commercial that aired this year, remember that you can call 911. Please, get help. Get to safety. Get yourself some therapy to undo the damage he's done. Be the woman you were made to be.
And I promise you, that woman? She's nobody's punching bag.
And if you do these things, you'll look in the mirror one day, and the woman gazing back at you will have joy in her eyes. Peace. Excitement. A love of living again. And strength. There will be a strength there that you recognize.
I know you. I was you... I am you. I got out. I stayed out. You can, too.
Be it a violent partner or abusive parents, there is hope. There is a way out.
You can do this. Reach out. Ask for help. Domestic violence hotlines in your area can give you a wealth of information, and are there to help, to listen.
You can do this.
In the U.S., there is both a hotline and a website with chat available. 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE), 1-800-787-3224 (TTY). http://www.thehotline.org
If you're in Canada, domestic abuse hotlines are broken down by province. Go here for more information and a breakdown of hotlines by province.
I wrote this post because no woman, child, or man should ever live in fear. No person, regardless of age, gender, socioeconomic status or any other label you'd like to use should EVER be a victim of domestic violence. I'm participating in the #1000Speak movement to get the message out, to offer understanding and compassion to those who are targets of domestic violence
I chose to write about a woman because statistically, women outnumber men as victims of domestic violence. I gravely suspect that the statistics about men who are abused by intimate partners are even MORE underreported than even the experts are guessing . I hope and pray that as more people speak out, more cry and yell about domestic violence being a crime in our world, that there will come a day when nobody lives in fear from someone who supposedly loves them.
This is my cry out. This is my yell. This is my banner waving furiously. No. More. End domestic violence.
To The Woman With the Bruises
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For women thatare victims of any kind of abuse.....there is hope....
Excellent article Nona.
Absolutely!!
Kav....I'm glad you enjoyed it......
Powerful post!
I've been there. It takes a lot to leave, but I'm not at all sorry I did. To this day, I still have nightmares about it...
(((Dowser))) I'm so sorry you had to live in "Hell" I saw my Mother and Step-Mother go through some absolutely horrifying beatings.......I just hope that there were no children that witnessed your"Hell."
Mine was mostly emotional abuse. One time was all it took, and I left. No, there were no children around. My parents were absolutely no help.
It is a relief to be out of it, and always has been.
The violence against women act insures that men abused by their women will stay abused . If the cops are called it will always be the man who is thrown in jail even if the woman was the abuser . [I did a thread on this a while back .]
For several years my mother was one of the women with bruises. She lived off from welfare in Grand Rapids Michigan and an ex-husband had weaseled his way back into her life to live off from her, while he got drug money robbing gas stations and liqueur stores and beat her when he couldn't get drug money. Fortunately for her there was a program at the local YWCA that was paid for by the government that offered free training to any women on welfare who wanted to learn a trade. She took the bus everyday even in the snow to learn to become a secretary and run payroll systems
Also at the program was counseling for abused women. She started seeing a therapist who would be her therapist for nearly 30 years. He got her into a safe house and called the police on her "room mate", who very, very firmly reminded him that he'd already been to prison twice and the next time would be for life without parole, so he should stay as far away from mom as possible or they would make sure he'd never be a free man again, even if they had to be creative about the charges. He died several years later, homeless and frozen in an alley.
They helped her get on her feet and she took a job working for Social Security in GR and she's been there for more then 35 years. She turned 80 today (St Patty's Day) and still works there as often as her health allows (she has brittle bones and is a 25 year survivor of breast cancer) usually 3 or 4 days a week and has no retirement plans. They love her because she's the only one there who really knows how to make the old payroll system run for that office. Her late husband (a really, really great guy who was married to her for 17 years before lung cancer got him) died 12 years ago, so she says if she retied she'd just sit around and be lonely.
You know every time I hear someone say something completely ignorant about cutting back on social programs I think "What a completely heartless asshole", because they do work and my mom is proof. Instead of being stuck on welfare, she used a government funded program (two of them actually) and became a hard working, taxpaying citizen. So for you who want to save yourself a fifth of a penny a year in taxes to cut a government help program I say, fuck you, you cheap short sighted piece of shit.
Excellent story MM and with a happy ending for your mum. Kudos to her, as they are well deserved.
MM, happy birthday to your Mom! Thank you for sharing her life. I march on in support of programs vital to helping those in need.
Nona,
Great article!
I know you. I was you... I am you.
Powerful words,so applicable topathswe may have already walked. We can be the hope for others still chained in desperate circumstances.
I am very proud of her. We (her kids) couldn't help her, she had to want it for herself because being abused is almost like an addiction. Her self esteem told her she deserved it. She had to figure out on her own that she didn't. Pretty tough broad.
Mine was mostly emotional abuse. One time was all it took, and I left. No, there were no children around. My parents were absolutely no help.
It is a relief to be out of it, and always has been
My Father inflicted every kind of abuse. He didn't care if us kids were around or not, but he certainly NEVR did it around any adults....
No help from your parents........that is just so sad Dowser...it's hard to imagine parents not helping their child when their child is being abused.......no matter what age the child is....
HAPPY BIRTHDAY to your brave Mom!!! What an incredible woman she is, and a great role-model to other women!!!! I wish there had been programs available when my Mother was being abused........
Thank you for sharing this with us MM....it goes to show that there is help out there......which also brings hope.
Bravo to your mom, Mickey. She is in my prayers!
Your words pierce my heart. As I walk past people, those who seemingly look like they've got it all together, stories like yours ring in my ears. Life's journey is hard, leaves scars (seen & unseen) and yet many of us continue the journey with an enhancedunderstanding of how fragile it is. Hopefully bringing our experiences to help those around us.
Peace to you Raven Wing, peace to you.
You do not have to let anyone hurt you.
Well, I guess you are right. I'm a male, haven't been there, so I should just keep my mouth shut. Sorry to be so ignorant on such an important topic.
I found that statement somewhat abusive and that's why I responded the way I did.
During my career I worked with scores upon scores of abused women to help them find a way out. When they are ready "You don't have to let anyone hurt you" can be very empowering.
Bottom line. Don't be an abuser.
If the YWCA program had been cut out from budget by some asses who would happily de-fund it now, my mom may have been killed by her abuser. The government gave her a chance and she took it. The government does do good things and it makes me think that anyone who says the government IS the problem is a moron.
You're welcome. We live with the loss of life's most precious gift, a child(ren). Our circumstances may be worlds apart, yet forever joined where most will never have to journey - I pray parentsare spared this, the greatest loss of all.
Abuse is an insidious cycle, thedynamics are often misunderstood by those who have not experienced orhave known someone who has. May you be the difference in the lives you touch, nothing screams truth than experience. The fragility of your heart is strengthened daily by your will to rise above...may you soar!
Bravo to your mom, Mickey And to you too Dear Dowser.....