Trump Orders Bill Barr to Investigate Nation's Ramps | The New Yorker

  

Category:  Stranger Than Fiction

Via:  john-russell  •  4 weeks ago  •  57 comments

By:   Andy Borowitz (The New Yorker)

Trump Orders Bill Barr to Investigate Nation's Ramps | The New Yorker
It's something we're looking into quite strongly," Trump told reporters. "Ramps have treated me very unfairly.

S E E D E D   C O N T E N T



By Andy Borowitz

June 15, 2020 Borowitz-Ramps.jpg Photograph by Nicholas Kamm / AFP / Getty

=================================================================================================

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Arguing that "there's something going on" with the nation's sloping surfaces, Donald J. Trump has ordered Attorney General Bill Barr to launch a Department of Justice investigation into the United States's vast collection of ramps.

"It's something we're looking into quite strongly," Trump told reporters on the South Lawn of the White House. "Ramps have treated me very unfairly."

The decision to probe the nation's ramps came after a night of Trump feverishly retweeting anti-ramp conspiracy theories, including one claiming that George Soros had plotted to make American ramps steeper and slipperier than they were during Barack Obama's Presidency.

Trump told reporters that he was also considering signing an executive order requiring all ramps to have an incline of zero degrees, rendering them completely flat.

"Those would be perfect ramps," he said.

Responding to this proposal, CNN's Jim Acosta asked if, by making ramps flat, Trump would in effect be making the nation's ramps no longer ramps at all.

"You're a terrible person," Trump replied.


Tags

jrDiscussion - desc
smarty_function_ntUser_is_admin: user_id parameter required
[]
 
JohnRussell
1  seeder  JohnRussell    4 weeks ago

A doctor looked into Trump's ear quite strongly and saw light coming through from the other side of his head. 

The rest of the thread was deleted for several classless ToS, trolling, taunting and meta comments. SP

 
 
 
JohnRussell
2  seeder  JohnRussell    4 weeks ago

There is a solution for Trump's walking problems , although it probably won't help him win the election. 

AE001(L).jpg

 
 
 
cjcold
2.1  cjcold  replied to  JohnRussell @2    4 weeks ago

Trump would demand more gold plating and lots more bearers.

I suggest that he just lay down and roll everywhere he goes like Lotan Baba the "rolling saint".

 
 
 
Raven Wing
2.1.1  Raven Wing  replied to  cjcold @2.1    4 weeks ago
and lots more bearers.

He would need a much bigger seat and a lot more carriers for his fatness. And he is sure to have a buggy whip in his hand for if they don't go fast enough to suit him.

I would suggest that the carriers opt for overage charges as well.

 
 
 
JohnRussell
3  seeder  JohnRussell    4 weeks ago

Is Trump Sick? Videos Of Him Walking, Drinking Water Raise Questions About President's Health


KEY POINTS

  • Trump's speech at West Point is now mostly remembered for signs raising questions over his health
  • The first sign was symptoms of what might be motor or phonic "tics"
  • The second could point to a case of "bathmophobia" 

President Donald Trump again reignited widespread speculation about the state of his health when he showed difficulty in lifting a glass of water with one hand. He also had visible difficulty walking down a gently sloping ramp, and couldn't correctly pronounce the names, MacArthur and Ulysses. Trump pronounced MacArthur as”MacGarther” and Ulysses as “Ulyssius.”

These very public signs of what some doctors say could be symptoms of a neurological malady were plain for the world to see Friday (June 12), when Trump was at the United States Military Academy at West Point, New York. At one point in his commencement speech, Trump paused to take a sip of water.

Videos showed Trump reaching for the small glass of water with his right hand.  He brings the glass  to his chin and then can't seem to move the glass any higher. He used his left hand to push his trembling right hand up and took a quick sip, looking embarrassed all the time.

As his speech ended, Trump was escorted off stage by the academy’s superintendent, Lt. Gen. Darryl Williams, but had to walk down a ramp outfitted with anti-skid strips to get to the ground. Videos show the unsteady Trump taking careful baby steps as he descended, looking at the ramp all the time. It was a warm, sunny day and Trump looked relieved when he finally left the ramp.

This is the second time in two weeks Trump has apparently had motor problems. On May 25, during the Memorial Day ceremony at the Arlington National Cemetery, Trump showed clear difficulty lifting a wreath, also with his right arm.

 
 
 
cjcold
3.1  cjcold  replied to  JohnRussell @3    4 weeks ago

Since Trump writes his own WH medical reports, and gives himself sane and healthy results, who are we to doubt him? 

Trump hasn't had an honest doctor do an exam on him in many years.

Used to be that presidents would go to actual doctors instead of paid quacks.

Any medically trained person can see his mental and physical abnormalities.  

 
 
 
Kavika
4  Kavika     4 weeks ago

It's obvious that the ''flat ramp'' is the way to go. No up, no down what could be better for an overweight 74-year-old. 

Meanwhile, the Army Corps of Engineers are working on a way to get up and down from the ''flat ramp''...

 
 
 
JohnRussell
4.1  seeder  JohnRussell  replied to  Kavika @4    4 weeks ago

In all truthfulness, I think Trump's physical issues are fairly common for his age, as are Biden's.  As long as the right wants to say Biden is debilitated, the other side will show equal examples of Trump's frailities. I would rather see a younger generation in power, but there are examples of leaders all over the world staying in office into their 70's and 80's. 

 
 
 
cjcold
4.1.1  cjcold  replied to  JohnRussell @4.1    4 weeks ago

Obama used to take on his secret service team on the basketball court and didn't mind a bit of fouling and bloodletting. Just one of the many reasons his guardians loved him.

Obama would take his secret service bodyguards into the WH kitchen after a workout and allow them to interact with the WH chefs and chow down.

Best president ever according to the secret service and WH chefs

Pretty sure Trump can't even do one pushup..

 
 
 
cjcold
4.1.2  cjcold  replied to  cjcold @4.1.1    4 weeks ago

Healthy body, healthy mind.

 
 
 
It Is ME
5  It Is ME    4 weeks ago

jrSmiley_40_smiley_image.gif

512

 
 
 
Greg Jones
5.1  Greg Jones  replied to  It Is ME @5    4 weeks ago

I do remember that Hillary stumbled and fell quite lot, even fainted a few times.

And then there was that persistent cough

 
 
 
It Is ME
5.1.1  It Is ME  replied to  Greg Jones @5.1    4 weeks ago

She was still "Perfectly Capable" though.

 
 
 
JohnRussell
5.2  seeder  JohnRussell  replied to  It Is ME @5    4 weeks ago

512

A more dishonest cartoon has never been created. There are literally hundreds of concrete reasons for people to disapprove of Donald Trump. 

The obsession and blindness is on the side of his supporters , who back his every dysfunctional move like obedient children or cult members. 

 
 
 
Texan1211
5.2.1  Texan1211  replied to  JohnRussell @5.2    4 weeks ago
A more dishonest cartoon has never been created. There are literally hundreds of concrete reasons for people to disapprove of Donald Trump. 

Dang, of all people, I figured you would really enjoy someone saying that they hate Trump.

Isn't that your message every single day?

Or maybe you don't like the carton because the truth hurts?

 
 
 
It Is ME
5.2.2  It Is ME  replied to  JohnRussell @5.2    4 weeks ago
A more dishonest cartoon has never been created.

Nope !

They've Tried EVERYTHING.....and He's STILL President of these United States.

He will be again too ! jrSmiley_15_smiley_image.gif

An Alzheimer Patient can't save you ! That's why they stay mostly at home !

 
 
 
JohnRussell
5.2.3  seeder  JohnRussell  replied to  Texan1211 @5.2.1    4 weeks ago

I don't hate Trump at all.  I don't hate anyone that hasnt done something terrible to me or my family personally. Internet forums dont apply, nor do dimwitted idiot politicians/game show hosts.  Trump is completely unfit for office. He is a known liar, crook, bigot, moron, and cheat. Not suspected , known. 

You , as a Trump supporter, are the one with a lot to explain, not me. 

The rest of the inane thread was deleted for several classless ToS, trolling, taunting and meta comments. SP

 
 
 
JumpDrive
5.3  JumpDrive  replied to  It Is ME @5    4 weeks ago

Here’s my short list of what I’ve got:

  • A tax cut during a booming economy when we should be paying down our debt that will add almost $2 trillion to it.
  • The diplomatic vandalism of backing out of the Iran nuclear deal that all 5 other signatories wanted to keep because it was working. Now Iran is back to refining uranium.
  • The coddling up to Kim Jong Un who is ‘writing love letters’ to Trump while North Korea advances both its missile and nuclear weapons program.
  • The alienation of our allies for god knows what reason.
  • His puerile, moronic performance on the world stage making us look like a country of imbeciles for electing him.
  • The epic lack of management of the coronavirus pandemic. The 6 Asian/Pacific countries that handled this well do not have destroyed economies, have re-opened their economies, and have one fiftieth the number of fatalities even though their combined population is nearly the same as ours.
 
 
 
It Is ME
5.3.1  It Is ME  replied to  JumpDrive @5.3    4 weeks ago
  • A tax cut during a booming economy when we should be paying down our debt that will add almost $2 trillion to it. Government Still Spending the same, is the problem. That's a "Congress Thing".
  • The diplomatic vandalism of backing out of the Iran nuclear deal that all 5 other signatories wanted to keep because it was working. Now Iran is back to refining uranium. It was a "Non-Binding", Not Legal, Piece of Crap, as Mr. Kerry told us numerous times !
  • The coddling up to Kim Jong Un who is ‘writing love letters’ to Trump while North Korea advances both its missile and nuclear weapons program. Where are the other "Allies" on this ?
  • The alienation of our allies for god knows what reason. "Cause they don't pay their "Fair Share" and always seem to want "America" to fight their battles and "Pick up their Pieces" ! Did you ljust love that Monumnet NATO built for themselves ? It waqs sooooo Pretty, and only cost a few Bazillion Dollars to build. What our Allies coulda done elswhere with that money, we'll just never know.
  • His puerile, moronic performance on the world stage making us look like a country of imbeciles for electing him. 'cause he doesn't follow "Placating Politics as Usual" ?
  • The epic lack of management of the coronavirus pandemic. The 6 Asian/Pacific countries that handled this well do not have destroyed economies, have re-opened their economies, and have one fiftieth the number of fatalities even though their combined population is nearly the same as ours. The "Lefts New God" on that, for a month.....said "Nothing to worry about" ! Trump said what Dr. Fauci Told us.

 
 
 
MUVA
5.3.2  MUVA  replied to  JumpDrive @5.3    4 weeks ago

Give your tax cut back.I want mine they can cut spending wait they will never cut spending as along as some in their base demand access to their fellow citizens wealth.

 
 
 
JumpDrive
5.3.3  JumpDrive  replied to  It Is ME @5.3.1    4 weeks ago
Government Still Spending the same, is the problem. That's a "Congress Thing".

If you're already borrowing $670 billion a year and you're not going to cut anything, giving up revenue is moronic. You are just make our kids responsible for more debt, apparently because you don't give a shit about the country you're leaving them.

It was a "Non-Binding", Not Legal, Piece of Crap, as Mr. Kerry told us numerous times !

Bullshit. It was negotiated by scientists who understood what had to be done to have a verifiable agreement, and they did those things. Every signatory nation actually within range of Iranian missiles wants to keep it. If "Mr Kerry" is John Kerry, he defended it.

Where are the other "Allies" on this ?

Irrelevant.

"Cause they don't pay their "Fair Share" and always seem to want "America" to fight their battles and "Pick up their Pieces" ! Did you ljust love that Monumnet NATO built for themselves ? It waqs sooooo Pretty, and only cost a few Bazillion Dollars to build. What our Allies coulda done elswhere with that money, we'll just never know.

A total bullshit screed. Even our military thought this idiocy by our supreme idiot was idiotic.

'cause he doesn't follow "Placating Politics as Usual" ?

No, because he actually is a puerile idiot. He's doing what he's been doing for the past 30 years that I've been aware of him.

The "Lefts New God" on that, for a month.....said "Nothing to worry about" ! Trump said what Dr. Fauci Told us.

Trump ignored the Obama transition team's presentation to 30 of his people on our weaknesses in handling a pandemic. Trump disbanded the Pandemic Response Team. Trump ignored the October, 2019 report from his own HHS department's 12 state pandemic simulation that showed exactly the same deficiencies as the transition team's presentation. Trump doesn't bother to read the Presidential Debriefing Bulletins that warned of the virus last year. Trump spent 5-6 weeks telling us it would all go away while it spread wildly. When the body count forced us to quarantine, Trump used the War Powers Act to make sure there were enough hamburgers rather than produce the PPE  and test kits that our medical people needed to handle the problem, and that we need to re-open safely. Trump made wearing a mask a political statement with his irresponsible tweeting, making the spread of the disease even worse. While the administration was pushing quarantining, Trump was tweeting "liberate xxx' to activate opposition to the official policy. This guy is a rolling disaster of epic proportions.

 
 
 
It Is ME
5.3.4  It Is ME  replied to  JumpDrive @5.3.3    4 weeks ago

Hahahahahaha !

The "Placators" have done their job on you for sure.

"Trump ignored the Obama transition team's presentation"

It was nothing more than a "colored up" Questionnaire. Wonder how much the advertisement company got for putting out that "Colorful Commercial" !

"Bullshit. It was negotiated by scientists who understood what had to be done to have a verifiable agreement, and they did those things. Every signatory nation actually within range of Iranian missiles wants to keep it. If "Mr Kerry" is John Kerry, he defended it."

https://www.politico.com/story/2015/03/state-department-iran-deal-nonbinding-115978

State Department: Iran deal 'nonbinding'"

Secretary of State John Kerry said in congressional testimony Wednesday that the Obama administration is “not negotiating a legally binding plan” over the Iranian nuclear program, but rather aims for an enforceable presidential agreement. 

Get out, get out, Get out from where-ever you are !

"A total bullshit screed. Even our military thought this idiocy by our supreme idiot was idiotic."

https://www.newsmax.com/Newsfront/NATO-Member-Countries-Trump/2017/01/25/id/770363/

"The United States is one of only five members of the North Atlantic Treaty Organization that meets the recommended defense spending rate, alarming experts according to The Daily Signal. "

I wonder why ALL of NATO countries, started picking up the pace ?

'Cause of what Trump said ?

 
 
 
JumpDrive
5.3.5  JumpDrive  replied to  It Is ME @5.3.4    4 weeks ago
State Department: Iran deal 'nonbinding'"

Why are you so hung up on 'nonbinding'? It simply means that two parties agree that they will do things, but that they don't have to do the things. WRT JCPOA, Iran would dismantle its breeder reactors and not refine weapons grade uranium. The US would allow Iran to participate some more in the world economy. Iran dismantled the reactors and stopped the refinement, so we allowed them more access to the world economy. The fact that the 5 countries within range of Iranian missiles wanted to keep the deal active, whereas the country led by a vengeful idiot didn't want it should tell you something.

The way you change countries is to interact with them. Where trade crosses boarders, armies don't. The Iranians are aryans, like most of us. They should be our natural allies, but we have completely fucked them over for the last 70 years. The old guard there is old. The younger generation wants to be like us. Trump's stupidity just sets everything back.

 
 
 
Tessylo
5.3.6  Tessylo  replied to  JumpDrive @5.3    4 weeks ago
'The epic lack of management of the coronavirus pandemic. The 6 Asian/Pacific countries that handled this well do not have destroyed economies, have re-opened their economies, and have one fiftieth the number of fatalities even though their combined population is nearly the same as ours.'

Ignored every single warning until it was too late.

Disassembled the pandemic response team that President Obama put in place.

A chaotic disaster.

FUBAR.  

 
 
 
Tessylo
5.3.7  Tessylo  replied to  JumpDrive @5.3.5    4 weeks ago

[Deleted]

Pay him no mind.

 
 
 
Paula Bartholomew
6  Paula Bartholomew    4 weeks ago

 he showed difficulty in lifting a glass of water with one hand

That happened to me once.  I had a TIA (Transitory Ischemic Attack).  I was having lunch at a military snack bar and suddenly I could not even lift my carton of milk.  I felt as if I weighed a ton and suddenly all motion ceased.  I could see, think, and breathe, but that was it.  The effects only lasted a few hours but for the next few days my balance was off.

 
 
 
Sparty On
6.1  Sparty On  replied to  Paula Bartholomew @6    4 weeks ago

Scary

 
 
 
Paula Bartholomew
6.1.1  Paula Bartholomew  replied to  Sparty On @6.1    4 weeks ago

If my boyfriend had not found me sitting there, I don't know what would have happened.

 
 
 
loki12
7  loki12    4 weeks ago

And the abject retardation and hypocrisy of the leftest media continues.

Trump plays golf every weekend!!!!!!!!

Trump can't lift a glass of water?

Trump is playing Golf again this weekend!!!!

Who have to be a complete moron to believe this bullshit about his health..............The TDS crowd will believe what every shiny object is presented to them it seems.

 
 
 
JohnRussell
7.1  seeder  JohnRussell  replied to  loki12 @7    4 weeks ago

His severe afflictions are sporadic. 

Joe Biden gives completely "perfect" speeches and interviews all the time. Yet the mentally afflicted political right insists on saying he stumbles over words, slurs words and forgets. Biden doesnt do any of those things any more often that Trump does, yet you keep insisting on attacking Biden. We are thus going to attack Trump. Get over it. 

 
 
 
Texan1211
7.1.1  Texan1211  replied to  JohnRussell @7.1    4 weeks ago
We are thus going to attack Trump. 

So, business as usual, eh?

 
 
 
JohnRussell
7.1.2  seeder  JohnRussell  replied to  Texan1211 @7.1.1    4 weeks ago

As long as you think it is cute to say Joe Biden has lost his faculties of course we will attack Trump for similar issues. Trump has said more stupid things in 4 years than the other 43 US presidents ,combined, said in the other 236 years of the nation's history. He has also mispronounced more names, slurred more words, and made more factual mistakes than all the rest. There isnt a single basis for Trump supporters to say Biden is mentally infirm that doesnt apply, and moreso, to Trump. 

 
 
 
Texan1211
7.1.3  Texan1211  replied to  JohnRussell @7.1.2    4 weeks ago
As long as you think it is cute to say Joe Biden has lost his faculties of course we will attack Trump for similar issues.

SO, QUOTE me saying ANY of the crap you just claimed I said.

Come on, give the post numbers.

And PLEASE don't insult normal people's intelligence by claiming IF someone attacks Biden you will attack Trump. You have been attacking him for 4 years--easily documented in almost every article you comment on that has ANYTHING to do with politics. And well before Biden decided to even run.

 
 
 
Sparty On
7.1.4  Sparty On  replied to  Texan1211 @7.1.1    4 weeks ago

Yeah this is the old, "if you tell a lie often enough, it becomes the truth" gambit.   Classic

Trump resisters love that one.   Pays homage one of their heros.  

Vlady Lenin.

 
 
 
loki12
7.1.5  loki12  replied to  JohnRussell @7.1    4 weeks ago

They're so sporadic that they need a special decoder ring to identify. Are they keeping Biden in his basement so he can remember where he is?  

 
 
 
JohnRussell
7.1.6  seeder  JohnRussell  replied to  Texan1211 @7.1.3    4 weeks ago

This article is about Trump having trouble walking down a ramp or drinking a glass of water and slurring or mispronouncing words. It is not about all of Trump's other dysfunctions and psychological disturbances. That would take an encyclopedia. 

 
 
 
JohnRussell
7.1.7  seeder  JohnRussell  replied to  Sparty On @7.1.4    4 weeks ago

Your comment literally addresses nothing.  I don't know how you get away with it here. 

 
 
 
Texan1211
7.1.8  Texan1211  replied to  JohnRussell @7.1.6    4 weeks ago

I directly responded to your post.

 
 
 
Sparty On
7.1.9  Sparty On  replied to  JohnRussell @7.1.7    4 weeks ago

[Deleted]   Complain and hope.

Complain and then hope someone else tickets the comment.

[Deleted]

 
 
 
JohnRussell
7.1.10  seeder  JohnRussell  replied to  Sparty On @7.1.9    4 weeks ago

You rarely address the topic. All you do is complain that people are attacking Trump. 

I have a clue for you - he deserves to be attacked. 

 
 
 
Sparty On
7.1.11  Sparty On  replied to  JohnRussell @7.1.10    4 weeks ago

I was addressing the topic.   I was addressing the liars, lies and overreactions about it.

One would have to be "not" deluded to see that though i suppose.

 
 
 
Tessylo
7.1.12  Tessylo  replied to  JohnRussell @7.1.10    4 weeks ago

[Deleted]

 
 
Loading...
Loading...

Who is online

Kathleen


40 visitors