Trump Orders Bill Barr to Investigate Nation's Ramps | The New Yorker
Category: Stranger Than Fiction
Via: john-russell • 4 years ago • 57 commentsBy: Andy Borowitz (The New Yorker)
S E E D E D C O N T E N T
By Andy Borowitz
June 15, 2020 
Photograph by Nicholas Kamm / AFP / Getty
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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Arguing that "there's something going on" with the nation's sloping surfaces, Donald J. Trump has ordered Attorney General Bill Barr to launch a Department of Justice investigation into the United States's vast collection of ramps.
"It's something we're looking into quite strongly," Trump told reporters on the South Lawn of the White House. "Ramps have treated me very unfairly."
The decision to probe the nation's ramps came after a night of Trump feverishly retweeting anti-ramp conspiracy theories, including one claiming that George Soros had plotted to make American ramps steeper and slipperier than they were during Barack Obama's Presidency.
Trump told reporters that he was also considering signing an executive order requiring all ramps to have an incline of zero degrees, rendering them completely flat.
"Those would be perfect ramps," he said.
Responding to this proposal, CNN's Jim Acosta asked if, by making ramps flat, Trump would in effect be making the nation's ramps no longer ramps at all.
"You're a terrible person," Trump replied.
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A doctor looked into Trump's ear quite strongly and saw light coming through from the other side of his head.
The rest of the thread was deleted for several classless ToS, trolling, taunting and meta comments. SP
There is a solution for Trump's walking problems , although it probably won't help him win the election.
Trump would demand more gold plating and lots more bearers.
I suggest that he just lay down and roll everywhere he goes like Lotan Baba the "rolling saint".
He would need a much bigger seat and a lot more carriers for his fatness. And he is sure to have a buggy whip in his hand for if they don't go fast enough to suit him.
I would suggest that the carriers opt for overage charges as well.
Is Trump Sick? Videos Of Him Walking, Drinking Water Raise Questions About President's Health
KEY POINTS
President Donald Trump again reignited widespread speculation about the state of his health when he showed difficulty in lifting a glass of water with one hand. He also had visible difficulty walking down a gently sloping ramp, and couldn't correctly pronounce the names, MacArthur and Ulysses. Trump pronounced MacArthur as”MacGarther” and Ulysses as “Ulyssius.”
These very public signs of what some doctors say could be symptoms of a neurological malady were plain for the world to see Friday (June 12), when Trump was at the United States Military Academy at West Point, New York. At one point in his commencement speech, Trump paused to take a sip of water.
Videos showed Trump reaching for the small glass of water with his right hand. He brings the glass to his chin and then can't seem to move the glass any higher. He used his left hand to push his trembling right hand up and took a quick sip, looking embarrassed all the time.
As his speech ended, Trump was escorted off stage by the academy’s superintendent, Lt. Gen. Darryl Williams, but had to walk down a ramp outfitted with anti-skid strips to get to the ground. Videos show the unsteady Trump taking careful baby steps as he descended, looking at the ramp all the time. It was a warm, sunny day and Trump looked relieved when he finally left the ramp.
This is the second time in two weeks Trump has apparently had motor problems. On May 25, during the Memorial Day ceremony at the Arlington National Cemetery, Trump showed clear difficulty lifting a wreath, also with his right arm.
Since Trump writes his own WH medical reports, and gives himself sane and healthy results, who are we to doubt him?
Trump hasn't had an honest doctor do an exam on him in many years.
Used to be that presidents would go to actual doctors instead of paid quacks.
Any medically trained person can see his mental and physical abnormalities.
It's obvious that the ''flat ramp'' is the way to go. No up, no down what could be better for an overweight 74-year-old.
Meanwhile, the Army Corps of Engineers are working on a way to get up and down from the ''flat ramp''...
In all truthfulness, I think Trump's physical issues are fairly common for his age, as are Biden's. As long as the right wants to say Biden is debilitated, the other side will show equal examples of Trump's frailities. I would rather see a younger generation in power, but there are examples of leaders all over the world staying in office into their 70's and 80's.
Obama used to take on his secret service team on the basketball court and didn't mind a bit of fouling and bloodletting. Just one of the many reasons his guardians loved him.
Obama would take his secret service bodyguards into the WH kitchen after a workout and allow them to interact with the WH chefs and chow down.
Best president ever according to the secret service and WH chefs
Pretty sure Trump can't even do one pushup..
Healthy body, healthy mind.
I do remember that Hillary stumbled and fell quite lot, even fainted a few times.
And then there was that persistent cough
She was still "Perfectly Capable" though.
A more dishonest cartoon has never been created. There are literally hundreds of concrete reasons for people to disapprove of Donald Trump.
The obsession and blindness is on the side of his supporters , who back his every dysfunctional move like obedient children or cult members.
Dang, of all people, I figured you would really enjoy someone saying that they hate Trump.
Isn't that your message every single day?
Or maybe you don't like the carton because the truth hurts?
Nope !
They've Tried EVERYTHING.....and He's STILL President of these United States.
He will be again too !
An Alzheimer Patient can't save you ! That's why they stay mostly at home !
I don't hate Trump at all. I don't hate anyone that hasnt done something terrible to me or my family personally. Internet forums dont apply, nor do dimwitted idiot politicians/game show hosts. Trump is completely unfit for office. He is a known liar, crook, bigot, moron, and cheat. Not suspected , known.
You , as a Trump supporter, are the one with a lot to explain, not me.
The rest of the inane thread was deleted for several classless ToS, trolling, taunting and meta comments. SP
Here’s my short list of what I’ve got:
If you're already borrowing $670 billion a year and you're not going to cut anything, giving up revenue is moronic. You are just make our kids responsible for more debt, apparently because you don't give a shit about the country you're leaving them.
Bullshit. It was negotiated by scientists who understood what had to be done to have a verifiable agreement, and they did those things. Every signatory nation actually within range of Iranian missiles wants to keep it. If "Mr Kerry" is John Kerry, he defended it.
Irrelevant.
A total bullshit screed. Even our military thought this idiocy by our supreme idiot was idiotic.
No, because he actually is a puerile idiot. He's doing what he's been doing for the past 30 years that I've been aware of him.
Trump ignored the Obama transition team's presentation to 30 of his people on our weaknesses in handling a pandemic. Trump disbanded the Pandemic Response Team. Trump ignored the October, 2019 report from his own HHS department's 12 state pandemic simulation that showed exactly the same deficiencies as the transition team's presentation. Trump doesn't bother to read the Presidential Debriefing Bulletins that warned of the virus last year. Trump spent 5-6 weeks telling us it would all go away while it spread wildly. When the body count forced us to quarantine, Trump used the War Powers Act to make sure there were enough hamburgers rather than produce the PPE and test kits that our medical people needed to handle the problem, and that we need to re-open safely. Trump made wearing a mask a political statement with his irresponsible tweeting, making the spread of the disease even worse. While the administration was pushing quarantining, Trump was tweeting "liberate xxx' to activate opposition to the official policy. This guy is a rolling disaster of epic proportions.
Hahahahahaha !
The "Placators" have done their job on you for sure.
"Trump ignored the Obama transition team's presentation"
It was nothing more than a "colored up" Questionnaire. Wonder how much the advertisement company got for putting out that "Colorful Commercial" !
"Bullshit. It was negotiated by scientists who understood what had to be done to have a verifiable agreement, and they did those things. Every signatory nation actually within range of Iranian missiles wants to keep it. If "Mr Kerry" is John Kerry, he defended it."
State Department: Iran deal 'nonbinding'"
Secretary of State John Kerry said in congressional testimony Wednesday that the Obama administration is “not negotiating a legally binding plan” over the Iranian nuclear program, but rather aims for an enforceable presidential agreement.
Get out, get out, Get out from where-ever you are !
"A total bullshit screed. Even our military thought this idiocy by our supreme idiot was idiotic."
"The United States is one of only five members of the North Atlantic Treaty Organization that meets the recommended defense spending rate, alarming experts according to The Daily Signal. "
I wonder why ALL of NATO countries, started picking up the pace ?
'Cause of what Trump said ?
Why are you so hung up on 'nonbinding'? It simply means that two parties agree that they will do things, but that they don't have to do the things. WRT JCPOA, Iran would dismantle its breeder reactors and not refine weapons grade uranium. The US would allow Iran to participate some more in the world economy. Iran dismantled the reactors and stopped the refinement, so we allowed them more access to the world economy. The fact that the 5 countries within range of Iranian missiles wanted to keep the deal active, whereas the country led by a vengeful idiot didn't want it should tell you something.
The way you change countries is to interact with them. Where trade crosses boarders, armies don't. The Iranians are aryans, like most of us. They should be our natural allies, but we have completely fucked them over for the last 70 years. The old guard there is old. The younger generation wants to be like us. Trump's stupidity just sets everything back.
Ignored every single warning until it was too late.
Disassembled the pandemic response team that President Obama put in place.
A chaotic disaster.
FUBAR.
[Deleted]
Pay him no mind.
he showed difficulty in lifting a glass of water with one hand
That happened to me once. I had a TIA (Transitory Ischemic Attack). I was having lunch at a military snack bar and suddenly I could not even lift my carton of milk. I felt as if I weighed a ton and suddenly all motion ceased. I could see, think, and breathe, but that was it. The effects only lasted a few hours but for the next few days my balance was off.
Scary
If my boyfriend had not found me sitting there, I don't know what would have happened.