Trump Claims He "Won't Be Able To Pitch For The Yankees" - The Lint Screen
Category: News & PoliticsVia: jbb • 6 months ago • 10 comments
By: guzelvis (The Lint Screen)
And I was so looking forward to it. Butt, next year he is a free agent.
The Hurler-in-Chief bringing his heat to a frightened batter.
Donald J. Trump gave up a lot to serve his country as its president. He could have made billions with his savvy real estate genius, or, starred in his proposed hit comedy series for NBC… Oops! I Married My Daughter (And I Absolutely Love It)!!!
But his biggest missed opportunity may have been to pitch major league baseball.
"Randy Levine with the New York Yankees is a great friend of mine," the president boasted to The Lint Screen. "He runs the team and has been pestering me for years to join his club as a starting pitcher. He's seen my 146-mile-per-hour fastball. Of course, no one's actually seen it-- the pitch is a bolt of lightning that pushes the catcher back about ten-feet when it's delivered. Incredible fastball. A lot of people think it's the best pitch ever."
Trump says he is definitely the most athletic president in history.
"They say Truman was a good surfer, Ford played a little football, and JFK was a creampuff who played tag football," Trump chuckles. "But no president had offers to play major league baseball. Especially Obama. How could he play the national sport when he wasn't even born here?"
The president waits four-minutes for a reply that never comes, then continues.
"All most presidents get to do is throw out the first pitch. What a joke. Teams want me to pitch seven or eight strong innings. I can go nine, ten, or fourteen, whatever it takes. I have the heat. Tremendous heat. More heat than Fauci, I'll tell you that. With lots of movement on the ball, too. All I've ever pitched was no-hitters. I have the best pitch ever in baseball-- everyone knows it."
The president gives a heavy sigh.
"Unfortunately, I won't be able to pitch for the Yankees," Trump says. "I have a country to run. I've got to help people battle the China virus and the Portland anarchists. It's too bad. Because I look pretty sexy in Yankees pinstripes. Everyone says so."
He pauses. "I could have also been a pro golfer, or an astronaut, too," the president mops his damp brow, "Or, I could've been a cowboy"...