'Benign Neglect' Isn't a Bad Thing for Kids (or Parents)
Category: Mental Health and Wellness
Via: buzz-of-the-orient • 4 years ago • 18 commentsBy: By Katherine Martinko
S E E D E D C O N T E N T
'Benign Neglect' Isn't a Bad Thing for Kids (or Parents)
Little boy uses a sander. @makenamedia via Twenty20
I recently heard a wonderful new parenting phrase that I suspect is going to become a regular addition to my vocabulary. The phrase is "benign neglect," and it refers to leaving one's children (of a responsible age, of course) free to make their own decisions, control their own time, and generally act like smaller versions of the adults they're inevitably going to become.
Jeni Marinucci, whose story for CBC Parents first introduced me to this phrase, described how she treats her children almost as if they were hearty houseplants: "They should be watered liberally and you should ensure they get ample sunshine. But otherwise, just let them be." From a young age, her children have been making their own hair and optometrist appointments (after she showed them how to do it) and doing their own back-to-school shopping (Marinucci pays for it):
"I set a budget, hand it over, and let [my daughter] buy her own clothes. If she wants to spend all $200 on one pair of shoes and a single sparkly pencil, that is entirely her call."
Similarly, their time is their own to use as they wish. On a lazy Saturday, it's up them to figure out a ride to the movies (bikes and helmets are in the garage!) and how to make breakfast and lunch for themselves. Marinucci said she hasn't had to wake up early on a weekend in years, ever since she taught her kids at age 4 how to get their own cereal.
The benign neglect approach may sound extreme to some readers. Indeed, one commenter on Marinucci's article accused her of neglecting to raise her children at all, which seems a bit harsh. It's true that her approach would not work for everyone, but at the very least she recognizes what so many parents these days fail to acknowledge – that our beloved children will spend a far greater percentage of their lives as adults than they will as children, so we parents neglect a fundamental requirement of our job if we fail to prepare them for that independence.
I like that benign neglect pays attention to the parental side of parenting, and does not focus entirely on the children; this, in my opinion, is something that's not discussed frequently enough. Parents desperately need a break from the micro-managing and helicopter (or snowplow ) parenting that dominates Western culture these days, but it's unpopular to admit that. When a parent's health and happiness is ignored, it leads to stress, burnout, and resentment, none of which are helpful to a child.
"If there's anything I've learned in parenting kids for two decades, it's that you control NOTHING. I also have a driving desire to keep things as simple as possible in all areas of my life. The cliché 'work smarter, not harder' has a lot of relevance for parents. Besides, parenting is already exhausting, so why do we insist on making it harder at every turn?"
Marinucci's words reflect my own view that my job as a parent should get easier as the years go by. There are more hands to help with chores around the house, more willing bodies to pitch in and entertain each other, more brains thinking about solutions to problems. The most tiring years of parenting should be left behind with the diapers and car seats – but this will only happen if I hand over responsibilities to my growing children, rather than hold on to them. It's like the old proverb: "Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime."
No one has all the secrets to raising great kids and balancing the gargantuan task with one's own personal needs, but it is helpful to look around and see what others have done. If Marinucci's kids are happy and communicative, and if she, as a mother, is relaxed and well-rested, it's a safe bet that she's on to something good.
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When I was a little kid, and we're talking around 80 years ago in the days before TV and video games, when indoor activities included mecchano and chemistry sets for rainy days, but most of the time through the 4 seasons was spent outside with neighbourhood friends or just alone. Other than school, the only organized activity I had to bear was piano lessons, and I wasn't very good at it - only got as far as grade IV in the Conservatory program. But I did things by myself, I built my own scooter out of a wooden orange crate, a 2x4 for a base, a stick for handlebars, and an old rollar skate taken apart and attached to front and back of the 2x4 for wheels. I learned early on to be independant.
It looked something like this:
The car in that photo gives you an idea of how long ago kids used to do that.
But being on my own so much I got into some real trouble as well. My mother took me to see the Disney movie "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs", where I saw the dwarfs in their mine digging out jewels from the walls.
Our immediate next door neighbour's house, right beside our driveway, had walls covered with pebbled stucco with a sprinkling of coloured glass chips. Do you realize what went through my mind after seeing that movie?
I took a hammer, and dug a bunch of the little coloured chips of glass out of their wall, leaving big splotches of bare wood wall at just about my arm's height - When confronted, I could tell no lie, nor could I sit down for a long time - my dad did believe in corporal punishment. Sometimes always being entirely on your own as a young kid can lead to difficulties.
This is an interesting subject to me. I have that personality type, what some have called, severely independent and from what my mother has stated, I was born that way. On the other hand, when I was 7 and my parents split up, my mother had no lucrative skill set. Therefore, we moved into a home where I didn't know anyone [for the record, they became my stepdad and stepbrothers]. I swore then that I would never be financially dependent on anyone else and since the age of 16, I haven't been. I even was paying rent at 16 [long story]. I didn't / don't want my kids to have it quite as rough as I did.
My mother believed in corporal punishment too; however, even then, most would deem some of her actions as abuse. My mother never wanted kids; the only reason I am here is because of my father. It's an interesting thing to be told by your mother that she never wanted children and then the actions of my father after I was born [and for 25 years afterward] were those of someone that didn't want me either. When they split up, my now stepparents certainly didn't want another child to deal with either [they each already had two boys]. I realized all of this at a pretty young age and I don't know if it was just part of my personality or what, but I thought, "f*ck em all."
I learned how to deal on my own; get my own cereal and beverages at 3 for breakfast, because heaven forbid my mother get up before 9:30-10 am. The crazy thing is... I was born with a sleep disorder called Hypersomnia, which means I, if given the opportunity, could sleep 18 hours out of 24 even as an adult, so it's not like I was a difficult child by any means. I was sleeping more than anything else.
Now, as a mother of two VERY different children, I can say with confidence that each one has unique needs from me as their mother. My children are from two different marriages; my eldest [my daughter] is from the first marriage and is now 17 and my son is from my second [and current] marriage and is 12 tomorrow actually. My husband (we'll say "D") and my ex-husband (we'll say "J") both have different parenting styles from each other and my own. Both D and J don't believe children should receive explanation as to why we're telling them what to do or why we're saying yes or no. However, I believe a child is human and will learn reasoning if you provide that explanation. Blind obedience is not something I condone. I want my kids to question; otherwise, they'll end up doing something that they shouldn't or simply do something because an adult said so and that can be very bad. When kids are younger, they don't need an elaborate explanation, but as they get older and need to learn more about what it is to be an adult, they absolutely should get a more elaborate explanation. D is far more worried about the kids knowing how to keep their homes neat and clean it seems though; and while yes, it's nice, I'd rather them understand that a good relationship with those in the house is more important than the few dishes in the sink. We also have my daughter's boyfriend living with us; he's 19 and he grew up in a rough household [never enough to eat, physical, verbal, and emotional abuse...]. Anyway, I'm trying to teach all of them independence. I've never been the helicopter parent. I've been letting them make decisions for a very long time. When it involves something in the home, they have input too. They need to understand choices and what outcomes each choice may provide. What may have been my choice or path may not be right for them or the one they choose. J has a specific way he believes our daughter should be, act, react, etc. and when she doesn't fit that mold that he thinks she should fit, he gets angry. He cannot control her and who she is and the choices she makes. I've told him time and time again that she's 1/2 me and he couldn't control me; then I ask him if he couldn't control me, what makes him think he can control her? D seems to frequently compare our children to us at the same age. I've told him that he can't compare, because they are different people in different times.
My husband wasn't independent until he moved out on his own... his dad paid for everything and his mom did everything for them. My ex wasn't independent until I divorced him and that only lasted a few years. Neither of them were ever taught how to be adults and it's noticeable in many instances. I was forced to be an adult at an early age. I've taken jobs I hate because we needed to pay bills. But because I've always done whatever it took, D didn't feel the need to do the same. I've even pointed that out to him. I went back to school so I could be more comfortable financially and I did so being married, having two children and working full time. My children witnessed that hard work and sacrifice and that's a good thing.
My son has always been a bit more independent than my daughter; that's just one way they're different. However, between my mother and J, I partly blame them for my daughter not being as independent. They did everything for her when she was younger, which made it difficult to help her become more independent as she got older. She doesn't have much desire to get a job [and right now, I'm not stressing too bad considering the current world's situation]. Then again, she knows that she won't be able to get her license unless she has a job, because I'm NOT paying for her insurance or gas or maintenance. D and J have made it sound like I need to have her put on my insurance, but she can get her own insurance; plenty of kids get their own insurance. If they want her to have independence, she can have her own.
Gosh this is long. Sorry. Main point, I think that "Benign Neglect" is good to a point; it also depends on the child's personality a bit and the other familial influences early on.
Yes, it is quite a story. But you have made your feelings about "benign neglect" and how that applies to you and your family quite clear.