Trump Wants All Americans To Get COVID-19, "You'll Never Feel Better" - The Lint Screen
Category: News & PoliticsVia: jbb • 2 weeks ago • 7 comments
By: PD Scullin (The Lint Screen)
The Con Man-in-Chief makes his pitch for contracting a coronavirus.
Millions of Americans sent their thoughts and prayers for President Trump when he tweeted last week that he and his va va va voom First Lady had come down with COVID-19.
But you can't keep a good grifter down!
Trump was attended to by a team of medical experts at Walter Reed National Military Medical Center. All the king's horses and all the king's men put him back together again with supplemental oxygen, an experimental antibody cocktail, heavy doses of redeliver, the steroid dexamethasone, and monoclonal antibodies made by Regeneron.
After a few days in a hospital bed, and a joy ride in an airtight SUV with vulnerable Secret Service Agents, the big fella flew the coop back to his White House and did a Mussolini on the balcony, ripping off his mask for his adoring science-denying fans!
Now, the prez sez he's "completely cured."
"I've never felt better," Trump said, as a servant delivered a Diet Coke. The president coughed on him, the servant left the Oval Office and collapsed on the floor. "Getting COVID-19 was a blessing from God. I'm like that guy in the Bible who died and came back to life. What was his name? Lawrence, Taurus, something like that. It doesn't matter, you know what I'm talking about. I love the Bible. It's a good book. A very good book."
Trump said he's never had more energy.
"I feel like I could rule the world," he said as a Secret Service Agent fell to his knees and was carried away. The president continued. "I feel like if I didn't like some leader, I could blow their shithole country off the face of the Earth. I have that kind of power."
The president believes all Americans should share his enthusiasm and upbeat attitude.
"I want all Americans to get COVID," he said. "You don't have to fear it, people. Getting COVID-19 is good for you. Just get choppered to Walter Reed, have all the docs do their thing, take the happy drugs, and you'll never feel better. It's incredible. A tremendous feeling."
Across the Oval Office, a cleaning attendant collapses. Chief of Staff Mark Meadows orders servants to throw the body into the bushes.
The president takes a sip of Diet Coke and says, "I've got this pandemic under control. Don't let it dominate your life. It's a gift from God. Trump 2020 Woo Hoo!