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Fox News fires Tucker Carlson, will replace him with cheaper racist

  

Category:  Satire

Via:  hallux  •  11 months ago  •  38 comments

By:   MARY GILLIS - The Beaverton

Fox News fires Tucker Carlson, will replace him with cheaper racist

S E E D E D   C O N T E N T



NEW YORK   – Right-wing propaganda network   Fox News   is tightening its belt after agreeing to pay $787 million to Dominion Voting Systems to settle a defamation lawsuit, and the first unnecessary expense to go is notable white nationalist   Tucker Carlson .

“We made the decision to   fire   Tucker Carlson after realizing that it’s not Carlson himself that the audience responds to, it’s the unending stream of racist and xenophobic content delivered by the kind of weak-chinned man who our audience remembers delivering milk and racist neighbourhood gossip to their homes when they were   children ,” Fox News said in a statement announcing Carlson’s firing.

“Luckily for us, Tucker Carlson is less of a personality and more of a bland   delivery   system for the carefully blended reactionary rage we feed our audience like so much grievance pablum.”

Carlson’s salary is reported to have been in the area of   $10   million a year, and Fox News is expecting to be able to save 90 to 99% of that amount by hiring a cheaper, younger racist to fill his popular timeslot.

“Finding a replacement for Carlson will not be difficult,” Fox News assured investors and viewers. “We’ve already got a short list of dozens of untalented, resentful white men who are quite angry at the world despite being born into extreme wealth and privilege.”

“Our audience, God   love   ‘em, is not particularly discerning or detail oriented. Carlson’s replacement will have to be willing to get plastic surgery to make his face more forgettable, and to change his name to Tucker Charlson so we barely have to change the graphics. We think most of the viewers won’t even notice he’s gone.”

“Rest assured, we’ll soon find someone new who can make our audience feel smart by telling them that they’re hating all the right people. It’s really not that hard. After all, Tucker Carlson was able to do it.”

At press time, Fox News was airing a rerun of “Tucker Carlson Tonight” from five years ago, secure in the knowledge that most Carlson viewers were too far gone to be able to tell the difference.


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Hallux
Masters Principal
1  seeder  Hallux    11 months ago

Pinocchio would do just fine ...

 
 
 
devangelical
Professor Principal
1.1  devangelical  replied to  Hallux @1    11 months ago

cut a couple eye holes in a my pillowcase and make whoever wear it on camera while a voice over spews racist trumpster rhetoric. who'd know in their target audience? they could get that done for minimum wage...

 
 
 
Tessylo
Professor Principal
1.2  Tessylo  replied to  Hallux @1    11 months ago

'will replace him with cheaper racist'

they're a dime a dozen and would sell their souls for about the same price

 
 
 
devangelical
Professor Principal
1.2.1  devangelical  replied to  Tessylo @1.2    11 months ago

coup club clan...

 
 
 
Trout Giggles
Professor Principal
2  Trout Giggles    11 months ago

We could make a list of resentful white men from NT. We can even throw in a woman or two

 
 
 
devangelical
Professor Principal
2.1  devangelical  replied to  Trout Giggles @2    11 months ago

[Deleted]

 
 
 
Trout Giggles
Professor Principal
2.1.1  Trout Giggles  replied to  devangelical @2.1    11 months ago

See? Our job is done!

 
 
 
devangelical
Professor Principal
2.1.2  devangelical  replied to  devangelical @2.1    11 months ago

LOL

 
 
 
Hallux
Masters Principal
2.1.3  seeder  Hallux  replied to  devangelical @2.1.2    11 months ago

Snert!

 
 
 
devangelical
Professor Principal
2.1.4  devangelical  replied to  Hallux @2.1.3    11 months ago

seems we share a fan club...

 
 
 
Trout Giggles
Professor Principal
2.1.5  Trout Giggles  replied to  devangelical @2.1    11 months ago

shit man! who knew that was a taunting comment?

 
 
 
devangelical
Professor Principal
2.1.6  devangelical  replied to  Trout Giggles @2.1.5    11 months ago

good thing I didn't use a screenshot...

 
 
 
Trout Giggles
Professor Principal
2.1.7  Trout Giggles  replied to  devangelical @2.1.6    11 months ago

yeah...that might have gotten you a 2 day vacay

 
 
 
devangelical
Professor Principal
2.1.8  devangelical  replied to  Trout Giggles @2.1.7    11 months ago

I've established my willingness to sacrifice...

 
 
 
JBB
Professor Principal
3  JBB    11 months ago

Perfection...

original

 
 
 
Kavika
Professor Principal
4  Kavika     11 months ago

Tucker has become a victim of the dreaded ''replacement theory''.

Welcome, Tucker you are now one of the replaced.

 
 
 
devangelical
Professor Principal
4.1  devangelical  replied to  Kavika @4    11 months ago

how ironic. abby grossberg was wise to record the antisemite.

 
 
 
Kavika
Professor Principal
5  Kavika     11 months ago

Seems the Russians are interested in helping Tucker out.

Vladimir Solovyov, the most prominent commentator on Russian state TV and a staunch pro-Kremlin propagandist, said Carlson was welcome to join his nightly panel discussion show — while suggesting he should consider a run for the White House.
 
 
 
JohnRussell
Professor Principal
5.1  JohnRussell  replied to  Kavika @5    11 months ago

I dont think Carlson would move there, but it wouldnt surprise me at all if he went on Russian tv as a guest. 

 
 
 
Drinker of the Wry
Junior Expert
5.1.1  Drinker of the Wry  replied to  JohnRussell @5.1    11 months ago

Does he speak Russian?

 
 
 
JBB
Professor Principal
5.1.2  JBB  replied to  Drinker of the Wry @5.1.1    11 months ago

Do you speak Russian? 

 
 
 
Drinker of the Wry
Junior Expert
5.1.3  Drinker of the Wry  replied to  JBB @5.1.2    11 months ago

No.

 
 
 
devangelical
Professor Principal
5.2  devangelical  replied to  Kavika @5    11 months ago

the comrade carlson news hour...

 
 
 
Gsquared
Professor Principal
5.3  Gsquared  replied to  Kavika @5    11 months ago
while suggesting he should consider a run for the White House

Putin and his minions love having Carlson in the White House.  I wonder who they would prefer, Carlson or Trump?  

 
 
 
Drinker of the Wry
Junior Expert
5.3.1  Drinker of the Wry  replied to  Gsquared @5.3    11 months ago

When was Tucker in the WH?

 
 
 
Gsquared
Professor Principal
5.3.2  Gsquared  replied to  Drinker of the Wry @5.3.1    11 months ago

It should have been corrected to say "would love".

 
 
 
JohnRussell
Professor Principal
6  JohnRussell    11 months ago

On Tucker Carlson's web site

$ 25 for a bottle of water. 

800

Tucker Carlson socks -  $ 25 a pair

TCKR149-1-400x400.png

$25 dollars for two golf balls and 8 tees. 

20211031_tucker-carlson_merch-mockups_golf-balls-400x400.png

What kind of moron would wear Tucker Carlson socks ? 

 
 
 
Kavika
Professor Principal
6.1  Kavika   replied to  JohnRussell @6    11 months ago
What kind of moron would wear Tucker Carlson socks ? 

Tucker Carlson.

 
 
 
pat wilson
Professor Participates
6.2  pat wilson  replied to  JohnRussell @6    11 months ago

OMG, I thought ^^^ was a meme. It's not.

 
 
 
Trout Giggles
Professor Principal
6.3  Trout Giggles  replied to  JohnRussell @6    11 months ago

I can get 2 dozen Chrome Soft golf balls at Walmart for 40 bucks

 
 
 
Hal A. Lujah
Professor Guide
6.3.1  Hal A. Lujah  replied to  Trout Giggles @6.3    11 months ago

Yeah but $25 to take a swing at Tucker Carleson’s balls is tempting.

 
 
 
devangelical
Professor Principal
6.3.2  devangelical  replied to  Hal A. Lujah @6.3.1    11 months ago

8907-DEFAULT-l.jpg

 
 
 
Drinker of the Wry
Junior Expert
7  Drinker of the Wry    11 months ago

I didn’t even know that he had a web site.  Thanks for keeping us up on breaking news.

 
 
 
JohnRussell
Professor Principal
7.1  JohnRussell  replied to  Drinker of the Wry @7    11 months ago

You can start making your shopping list now. 

 
 
 
Drinker of the Wry
Junior Expert
7.1.2  Drinker of the Wry  replied to  JohnRussell @7.1    11 months ago

Not my colors and I don't golf.

 
 
 
devangelical
Professor Principal
9  devangelical    11 months ago

 
 

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