Hunter Biden Optioned To Make Room For 7th Grandchild On Family Roster
S E E D E D C O N T E N T
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After careful consideration, the Biden family announced that they have officially designated Hunter for assignment to make room for their 7th grandchild on the family roster.
"It was a tough call demoting Hunter to make room for what's-her-name," said President Biden. "I love my son, but we had to do what's best for the team."
After several years of having her existence denied, Biden's seventh grandchild suddenly joined the family roster on Friday in a shocking move. "Just last week, kindly old family man Joe Biden screamed obscenities at an aide for accidentally patching in a call from the granddaughter he'd disowned," said Chief of Staff Jeff Zients. "Word about the little girl had gotten out though, and apparently disavowing a seven-year-old girl doesn't poll well with voters. Heck, that sort of thing wouldn't poll well in the depths of Hell. Anyhow, we can't have a little disowned granddaughter weighing Biden down in the polls. Welcome to the family!"
Unfortunately, the White House reported that to make room for the granddaughter, Hunter would have to be optioned off. "Hunter had a great run as a Biden," said Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre. "He contributed in literally millions of ways to the franchise. Still, no one can ignore the slump he's been in lately. It's dragging the team down, and it's time to part ways. We thank Hunter for all he's done for the Biden family and wish him well in his future endeavors."
At publishing time, Hunter had reportedly been charged with 732 felonies within a minute of losing the Biden family name.
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She'll be happy to know that all it took for her grandfather to acknowledge her existence after four years was an attack on him in the New York Times and bad polling showing how his monstrous behavior is hurting him politically. Totally normal stuff.
OH NO! Hunter may have to go out and find a real job now since he won't be able to peddle influence any more.