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Garland Appoints Special Counsel To Cover Up Biden's Crimes

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Category: Satire

Via: gregtx • last year • 10 comments

Garland Appoints Special Counsel To Cover Up Biden's Crimes

U.S. — In a press conference today, Attorney General Merrick Garland announced he will be appointing a new special counsel, David C. Weiss, to investigate the Bidens and then cover up all their crimes.

S E E D E D C O N T E N T

"I have given Mr. Weiss full power and authority to investigate Hunter Biden and the Biden family. We must conduct a thorough investigation so we can know which crimes to sweep under the rug," said Garland. "After a thorough inquiry, Mr. Weiss will be in charge of destroying all evidence, bringing no serious charges, and granting Hunter Biden immunity forever. He is a man of the utmost integrity and I trust him to do this job to the best of his ability."

The new Special Council will be given access to all damning evidence of corruption and bribery against the President, which he will retain and then destroy. All remaining witnesses will then be invited to a surprise paddle-boarding party at the President's beach estate.

Former President Trump, who nominated David Weiss to his DA position in Delaware, reacted on Truth Social, saying: "MILKTOAST GARLAND HAS APPOINTED DAVID WEISS AS 'SPECIAL COUNCIL' TO INVESTIGATE LITTLE HUNTER'S CRIMES AND TRUST ME — WEISS IS NOT EVEN THAT SPECIAL. HE'S A PHONY PROSECUTOR WHO'S BEEN HIRED TO TOTALLY LET THE BIDENS GO FREE! SAD!"

At publishing time, President Biden had thanked the Special Council for his outstanding service to the nation and wired him some bribe money.

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Professor Guide

1 seeder GregTx last year

512

Professor Principal

2 Sean Treacy last year

Babylon bee is the most accurate media in the country

Professor Guide

2.1 seeder GregTx replied to Sean Treacy @2 last year

They seem to nail it more often than naught....

Professor Principal

2.2 JBB replied to Sean Treacy @2 last year

No, but it is quite amusing seeing rightwingers all worked up into high dudgeon being indignant about the SATIRE they read in the Bee...

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2.2.1 seeder GregTx replied to JBB @2.2 last year

So you're able to recognize satire?......

Professor Participates

2.3 Thrawn 31 replied to Sean Treacy @2 last year

Onion owns them.

Professor Quiet

3 Ronin2 last year

I wonder if Weiss will be conducting the investigation himself. After the FBI and Internal Revenue Agents who worked with him last time got thrown under the bus; who would be dumb enough to take that assignment?

I hear that Hunter needs a "real job". Desperate, already familiar with the case, and would be fine with a fix outcome that favors the Brandon family. He covers all of the criteria.

Professor Quiet

3.1 Jasper2529 replied to Ronin2 @3 last year

I hear that Hunter needs a "real job".

Wasn't that part of his "plea deal"? Delis and convenience stores always have "Now Hiring" signs in their windows. And he could always be a line chef in fast food kitchens. Oh, wait ... that's not the kind of line he does.

All of those jobs don't require experience ... just like his work at Burisma, etc.!

Professor Participates

5 Thrawn 31 last year

Didn't conservatives want a special counsel?

Professor Quiet

5.1 Ronin2 replied to Thrawn 31 @5 last year

A legal special counsel. Not someone associated with the DOJ/government that has already been proven to be in the tank for Brandon family.

Hunter/Brandon.

To begin with, Weiss is not eligible to be a special counsel under the special-counsel regulations . To be clear, the attorney general has all the authority he needs to assign Weiss to the case (and, indeed, Weiss has been assigned to it throughout Garland’s tenure). But under the regulations that Garland purports to be applying, what makes a special counsel special is that he or she is a lawyer brought in from outside the government , not just outside the Justice Department. As Section 600.3 of the regulations states without ambiguity, “the Special Counsel shall be selected from outside the United States Government.” The point of the exercise is to bring in a scrupulous, experienced former prosecutor who does not work for the incumbent administration , because there is a connection between the president and the investigation that creates a profound conflict of interest for the Justice Department. There could not be a more serious, blatant conflict of interest than a situation in which the president’s Justice Department is conducting an investigation of the president’s son that implicates the president in potentially impeachable conduct.

If you don't like the National Review- how about Cornell University?

§ 600.3 Qualifications of the Special Counsel.

(a) An individual named as Special Counsel shall be a lawyer with a reputation for integrity and impartial decisionmaking, and with appropriate experience to ensure both that the investigation will be conducted ably, expeditiously and thoroughly, and that investigative and prosecutorial decisions will be supported by an informed understanding of the criminal law and Department of Justice policies. The Special Counsel shall be selected from outside the United States Government. Special Counsels shall agree that their responsibilities as Special Counsel shall take first precedence in their professional lives, and that it may be necessary to devote their full time to the investigation, depending on its complexity and the stage of the investigation.
(b) The Attorney General shall consult with the Assistant Attorney General for Administration to ensure an appropriate method of appointment, and to ensure that a Special Counsel undergoes an appropriate background investigation and a detailed review of ethics and conflicts of interest issues. A Special Counsel shall be appointed as a “confidential employee” as defined in 5 U.S.C. 7511(b)(2)(C) .

Impeachment proceedings should begin against Garland immediately.

Weiss also wants to refile charges in either DC or Southern California. Why? Because he will get a liberal POS judge that will rubber stamp any new plea deal he and Hunter's lawyers work out.

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