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Americans make odd choice to celebrate decision that led them to this point

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Category: Satire

Via: hallux • 6 months ago • 2 comments

By: LUKE GORDON FIELD - The Beaverton

Americans make odd choice to celebrate decision that led them to this point

S E E D E D C O N T E N T

“UNITED” STATES OF AMERICA – To the surprise of international observers, millions of Americans chose to celebrate the anniversary of their declaration of independence today, despite the fact that this decision has clearly not worked out.

“It’s a bit sad really, seeing them run around with red, white and blue clothing while waving sparklers,” said Canadian Martha MacLeod. “I mean, they must know how things are going for them right?”

“That would be like me celebrating the anniversary of the time I chose to drop out of high school to sell beauty products door to door.”

Though everyone agrees that things would hardly be perfect if America was still part of Great Britain, it still seems odd to throw a big party pretending life is better without universal health care, gun control and being forced to choose a President from two options: a possibly demented genocide supporter and a guy who thinks the genocide should be done harder.

“I know everyone likes a day off. But couldn’t they celebrate something that actually turned out alright? Like the time they went to the moon. Or the invention of the Twinkie or something?” inquired Irish man David Collins.

Many have taken comfort in the knowledge that most Americans were too drunk and/or full of meat to really think about what they were even celebrating anyway.

“Sure, if I’d had ten Sam Adams and 6 burgers before 5pm, I guess you could convince me to do anything, even boisterously sing a National Anthem belonging to a dying, failed experiment of a country,” said Aussie Nick Hughes.

“We should probably just let them have it. After all, it’s almost certainly their last 4th of July party.”

At press time, FIREWORKS!