To Pay Back $20 Million Campaign Debt, Kamala Harris Agrees To Fight Jake Paul
S E E D E D C O N T E N T
WILMINGTON, DE — After finding out how much money former heavyweight boxing champion Mike Tyson made from his highly publicized Netflix exhibition fight, failed presidential candidate Kamala Harris announced plans to pay back her $20 million campaign debt by agreeing to fight Jake Paul early next year.
With her campaign severely in the red following her lopsided loss to Donald Trump this month, Harris had been searching for quick and easy ways to pay down the remaining debt, making a prize fight against Paul an appealing option.
"It's time for me to wipe that smug smile off Jake Paul's face and make a truckload of cash," Harris said in a statement announcing the fight. "If Mike Tyson can do it at the age of 58, I can do it at 60, am I right? HAHAHA! Besides, age is just a number. Campaign debt is a number. Numbers tell a story. But not with words. With numbers. And the story they tell is time. And the story of time is us. And that's why I'm going to fight Jake Paul in 2025 to get my campaign out of astronomical debt. You better get ready, Jake! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
A Harris-Walz insider revealed the campaign was hoping the proceeds from a match with Paul would yield enough revenue to make up for the exorbitant fees paid to celebrities like Oprah and Beyonce to appear and endorse what ended up being Harris's losing effort. "This could solve all of our problems," the source said. "Even if she loses — which, let's be honest, that's all she ever does — she'll come away with a cool $20 million. We'll all be looking forward to the loss this time around."
At publishing time, Harris's efforts to get her campaign out of debt had hit obstacles after Harris offered to pay John Legend and Julia Roberts $10 million each to help promote her fight with Paul.
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Okay, this one's actual satire and it's pretty funny.
It's absurd enough for even the most brain dead to know it's satire.
At least I hope it's outrageous enough on its face to know it's not just another rightwing conservative Qanon conspiracy theory that some on the right will think of as fact when they read the headline even when labeled 'satire'. Pretty sure we won't have conservative commentators actually debating how quickly Paul would demolish her, or how they believe Beyonce or Oprah were actually paid to appear for Harris because of its absurdity. But I guess you never know. Right wing conservatives have been known to get riled up over conspiracy theories, lies and completely debunked fabricated rumors before.
Gee, thanks DP, if I had known absurdity was what you were looking for all along......
It's not so much what I look for, it's what I expect from comedy and satire. Far too often the Bee just prints thinly veiled conspiracy theories putting words in their ideological foe's mouths that clearly many rightwing conservatives treat as factual based on their comments and nonsensical rants. If they don't put "satire" in bold letters I've no doubt we'd have even more issues like dumbass rightwing conservatives showing up with a rifle at a pizza place threatening them if they didn't show him to the child sex dungeon the Democrats are supposedly running. That kind of crazy rumor and conspiracy theory should be obviously false due to it being so outrageous and absurd. But any publisher of political satire shouldn't just assume their audience can tell the difference, especially the Bee whose target audience has at best a room temp IQ and have already shown a propensity to indulge in and spread wild conspiracy theories as facts.
Why doesnt she do like Trump and sell made in China knock offs of her necklaces , to the brain dead, for $2000 each ?
Oh yeah, shes not MAGA.
Well, to be fair she's also not nearly popular enough to pull that off.