US, Russia commence Ukraine Piece Talks, where Ukraine will be carved into pieces
S E E D E D C O N T E N T
RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA – Representatives from the United States and Russia met today to commence their “ Ukraine Piece Talks” summit, wherein the two autocrat-led nations will discuss which lucrative pieces of Ukraine each will claim as their property.
With the Russian invasion of Ukraine nearing its three-year anniversary, Piece Talks are being led by US Secretary of State Marco Rubio, Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov, and definitely not Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy who was not invited or even informed that talks would be taking place.
“Thanks to these talks, the Ukrainian region will finally be at piece,” explained Rubio while tugging at a shock collar controller by US President Trump back in Washington. “Sorry, will finally be at pieces .”
“For example Crimea, the piece of Ukraine that was illegally invaded back in 2014, will be officially given to Russia to keep forever,” noted Rubio. “After that, a $400 billion cash piece of Ukraine will be given to the United States, before being transferred directly into President Trump’s offshore bank account.”
Rubio noted that pieces of Ukraine containing minerals useful for building electric vehicles will be handed directly to Actual President Elon Musk .
“After our Piece Talks are done, any remaining pieces of Ukraine will be sold at a discount on the Hungarian version of Facebook Marketplace,” Rubio concluded.
The Piece Talks were chosen to be held in Saudi Arabia due to Prime Minister Mohammed bin Salman’s famed love of bonesaws.
“Originally we’d hoped to hold this Russia/US summit in a secret lair underneath an active volcano,” explained Lavrov, “but the American FAA couldn’t guarantee their planes would make it all the way to Skull Island without crashing.”
In a related story, America and Russia have planned to meet in 2026 to commence Canadian Piece Talks.
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Sorry folks, but no matter how it's spun, D.J. Trump is no J.K. Polk.
I thought it was funny until I got to the end and the Canada part. Are you sure that's entirely satire?
awesome! russian collaborator season opens in the US by spring ... /s
Peace in our time!
It's amazing who many people are gullible enough to think those two paragraphs are true.
Um ... the seed is marked as satire, comes from a satirical site and even has a pun embedded in the title to boot ... anyhoot, seeing as I lurv being amazed, just how many is who many?
I saw the tag. Doesn't stop people from believing those two satire paragraphs are fact.
Didn't stop you from yanking out the first excuse you could think of either.
Crimea was never a part of Ukraine either.
When the USSR transferred Crimea to Ukraine- a then USSR state- it was like transferring their wallet from the left pocket to their right. They never lost control of Crimea- because they controlled Ukraine.
Satire is based on reality. Seems the author forgot that.
Have fun!
Myths and misconceptions in the debate on Russia
?
So, in 1954 Crimea was transferred from the Russian SFSR to the Ukrainian SSR. It was part of a celebration to commemorate the 300th anniversary of Ukraine's union with Russia.
That was true until August of 1991 when Ukraine declared its independence and the Russian Federation recognized Ukraine's independence on December 5th, 1991. About the same time Crimea was also declaring its independence and the Republic of Crimea was formed in 1992 which ended up falling apart by 1995 when they became the Autonomous Republic of Crimea established under Ukrainian authority.
Nope, they clearly understood the premise of satire which was taking a small grain of truth and blowing it out of proportion. The facts show that Crimea was under Ukraine authority from 1995 to 2014 when Russia chose to send their troops to aid a rebel group within Crimea who was trying to reclaim their independence. Of course they didn't actually gain their independence, they are now just another Putin cock puppet (Trump must be jealous, he thought he was Putin's only cock puppet), but to claim they weren't even part of Ukraine is just being stupid. They were, for almost 20 years, under the authority of Ukraine which means they were a part of Ukraine, it's that simple.
Shhh.. they have their own facts.
The Crimea is the land of the Tatars. Neither Russian nor Ukrainian.
You must be one of them.
Who many people do you think believe such obvious satire is true?
But seriously, I wouldn't put it past the poorly educated brain dead MAGAite bigots to be gullible enough to believe such obvious satire if it had been skewed to their brand of idiocy as many seem to after reading some rightwing fascist inspired Babylon Bee satire. But I can't think of a single progressive poster on this site who would be confused about this seed clearly being satire.
I'd venture a guess that many on the left would believe that as true. They've fallen for other idiotic stuff why not this?
Comment #4 below seems to have not gotten that memo...........
He's just commenting on the grain of truth part of the story, not the money being sent to Trumps offshore accounts or the US taking a cash payment. The fact is the talks are happening right now between Trump officials and Putin and there is no doubt part of those talks will include how much of Ukraine Russia will claim, aka " The selling out of Ukraine has begun". That part isn't satire, that is actually happening.
Suddenly this attempt at satire feels almost too prescient. And Trump is objectively stupid whether he feels stupid or not. Stabbing our allies in the back and demanding repayment for our assistance isn't "smart", it's what a lowlife disgusting stupid piece of shit would do.
The selling out of Ukraine has begun.
Good, the quicker we are out of there the better.
Europe claims they are interested; but like with everything else they can't do shit w/o the US.
Putin and his fellow fascists' fondest dream. Genocidal maniacs' fondest dream.
That's insane, of course.
Any two of the UK, Germany and France spend more on arms than Russia.
France and the UK have nukes. France has a nuclear aircraft carrier.
So... yeah...
Piece Talks are being led by US Secretary of State Marco Rubio, Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov, and definitely not Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy who was not invited or even informed that talks would be taking place.
They are doing exactly what they said they would do. The US and the Russian Federation haven't even spoken in 3 years. They needed to reestablish a relationship before the actual peace talks begin. When they do Zelensky will have a seat at the table.
BTW, what is the name of the opinion source being used in the seed?